notanotherphony.

tired.  bored.  restless.  tired eyes.  tired muscles.  bored heart and bored soul.  longing for more but stuck in less.  less time.  less fun.  less excitement.  less money.  less family.  less friends.  less hope.  less hair.  less ideas.  less work.  less sun.  less life.

less is more.

more or less.

cloudy.  dreary.  dirty.  cold.  misty.  no sun.  no life.  no sun.  no fun.  no sun.  no sun.  no sun.  no sun.  no sun.

holidays upon us.  busyness upon us.  loneliness upon us.  stress upon us.  everything is upon us and it is time to let go.  let go of the past.  let go of the future.  let go of toxic relationships and toxic jobs.  toxic behaviours and toxic people.  let go.  live life.  have fun.

some say, “BE.”

others say, “DO.”

some people say and do nothing.

sitting on new couches and watching new tv’s with new shows and new cars.  new friends and new clothes.  new hope but always mired in sadness and desperation.  desperate for things to change but never willing to do the work it takes for their lives to change.  watching The Bachelor for marital advice.  watching Trump for leadership advice.  watching kids grow.  dogs grow.  adults shrink.  elders die.  die lonely and in pain.  lost amongst the busyness of life.  lost friends.  lost family.  lost husbands and lost wives.  lost children and lost dogs.  so much loss in this world.  so much pain in this world.  so much needless STUFF IN THIS WORLD that offers up nothing.  no heart.  no soul.  no fun.  no value.  so many high paying jobs that give the world NOTHING.  cancer kills.  so does diabetes.  car accidents.  heart attacks.

how painful would it be to “lose” your kids?  to never see them again.  ever.  wondering what happened to them.  wondering where they went and why they left.  looking back on life and finding flaws.  mistakes.  mistakes that could be turned into learning experiences but usually turned into sadness.  lethargy.

lethargic people with lethargic ideas and lethargic conversation.

dull lives.

sad and lonely lives.

lost lives.

day by dreary day.

life passing by…cloudy…misty…dark…lonely.

grey.

deep breath.

bring in the light.

smile.

hope.

love.

echinacea.

stratterra.

omeprazole.

zoplicone.

wine.

beer.

and now fast asleep.

LIFE.

amidst the chaos of life love springs forward and overwhelms me with feelings of joy.  feelings of loss.  feelings of hope.  feelings of gratitude.  feelings of calmness.  feelings of sadness.  feelings of feelings.  feelings always more powerful than thoughts.  thoughts getting in the way of freedom and love.  thoughts getting in the way of flow and clarity.  follow your heart.  follow your gut.  follow your intuition.  breathe.  relax.  love.  open up to people.  open up to the world.  one life to live.  ONE.  do not give up.  do not let the peasants (politicians) beat you down.  beat us down.  come together with love and passion.  the people in power will continue to pound lies and deception down our collective throats.  our collective souls.  BUT STOP THE INSANITY.  CREATE.  CREATE ART.  CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT OF HOPE.  CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT OF TRUST.  forget the old and ineffective ways of the past.  teaching through fear.  coaching through fear.  parenting through fear.  fear needs to be squashed out.  squashed out by hope.  squashed out by love.  squashed out by respect.  trust.  do not put the maggots in charge on a pedestal.  useless fuckers that ruin the world but grease their pockets.  leaders with small penises but LARGE EGOS.  leaders that were never leaders but always bully’s.  tune them out.  they offer nothing.  they are a distraction to life.  a distraction to love.  a distraction to living and loving and inspiring.  inspiring our kids to do better with their lives.  inspiring our kids to help make this world a better place to live.  inspiring our kids to go for their dreams instead of following useless outdated curriculums and useless old leaders.  when do parents recognize the damage they have inflicted on their kids?  when do coaches recognize the damage they have done to their players?  when do teachers recognize the damage they have done to their students?  do politicians ever look in the mirror?

FEEL.

LOVE.

CREATE.

searching.  always searching.  searching for answers.  searching for acceptance.  searching for hope.  searching for respect.  searching for calmness.  searching for ecstasy.  searching for excitement.

answers always at the end of my baby finger’s fingertip.  right there.  right there.  right there.  thoughts coming fast.  too fast.  slow down brain.  slow down and allow my feelings to come through.  listen to beautiful music.  NOT POP MUSIC.  watch powerful films.  NOT FLUFF.  read powerful books.  not facebook fights.  be.  allow.  let go.  love.  surrender.  but surrender to real.  do not surrender to the phonies.  there are phony people everywhere.  some are easy to spot but many hide behind fake love and fake art.  fake yoga and fake meditations.  fake people not even realizing they are fake.

human connection.

human connection.

human connection.

we all need more human connection.

human conversation.

wild nights with wild friends and wild amounts of booze but crazy conversations about crazy things that really aren’t crazy but the useless masses will tell us that WE ARE THE CRAZY ONES AND NOT THEM.

dull and sad.

why follow our leaders?

so dull and so sad.

life.

life.  so beautiful and yet so painful.  love.  hate.  years whizzing by and leaving sad memories behind…somewhat.  some things you never forget.  dad dying.  sexually molested.  jail cells.  alcohol centres.  fights.  fucks.  losses.  wins.  mom overdosing.  nana dying.  friends dying.  many deaths but so many births too.  the birth of my daughter being the highlight of my life.  but the highlight sometimes isn’t easy.  I sit alone drinking a glass (bottle) of wine after kissing my thirteen year old daughter goodnight.  THIRTEEN.  THIRTEEN.  THIRTEEN.  WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?  where are the memories gone?  where are they stored?  old pictures bringing me to tears.  tears of joy.  tears of love.  tears of loss.  lost time and lost connection.  always love but sometimes not showing it enough.  my daughter is such a beautiful soul.  beautiful spirit.  beautiful person inside and out and I don’t think she knows that I think that and this hurts me.  hurts her.  life getting in the way of love.  chaos.  fast mind.  fast cars.  fast life.  fast judgements.  fast reactions.  slow down.  listen to the pulse.  listen to the music.  listen to the sounds of whistling birds and whistling leaves.  don’t listen to the political chatter.  don’t listen to the experts.  the experts rarely are right.  right.  wrong.  what does it all mean?

i’m sorry.  i’m sorry.  I miss you dad.  friends?  so many and yet so few.  so many connections and so few get together’s.  protecting.  protection.  help?  helping.  not fair.  just be.  live.  love.  laugh.  connect.  do.  inspire.  create.  passions.  art.  love.  loss.  feb.  17, 1978.  I will never forget.  so many years ago.  so many painful deaths following the death of my dad.  life not always fair.  love everyone.  EVERYONE.  find the good in people.  inspire people.  inspire our youth.  do not give in to society and all of it’s uselessness.  useless coaches and useless teachers hurting our kids.  stifling our kids.  instilling fear in our kids.  creating hatred.  creating monsters.  creating sheep.  coaches and teachers sometimes doing more harm than good.  but good coaches and good teachers doing more good than harm.  sometimes a kids only chance is having an inspiring coach or an inspiring teacher as their parents have been following the useless rules of society for much too long.  following useless politicians and useless bosses.  useless manuals and useless priests.  so many useless leaders in our useless but beautiful world.  the wrong people always in charge.  such a fucked up world but such a beautiful world.

INSPIRE.

INSPIRE.

INSPIRE.

do not give up.  ever.  build leaders.  build thinkers.  build creators.  build a better life than what we have now.  time to fight back.  do not sit still.  do not give up or sit down or lay back or WAIT.  NEVER WAIT.  DO.  LIFE IS SHORT.  LONG FOR SOME PEOPLE.  VERY SHORT FOR OTHER’S.

friend’s getting cancer.  friend’s dying.  friend’s sometimes forgotten.  sit still.  slow down.  breathe.  breathe.  breathe.

I NEVER WANT TO DIE.

I LOVE LIFE SO MUCH EVEN WITH IT’S ANGER AND FRUSTRATIONS AND COMPLEXITIES AND SADNESS AND LOSSES AND CONFUSIONS.

I LOVE LIFE.

LIVE LIFE.

DO NOT LIVE LIFE ONLY ON VACATIONS OR HOLIDAYS.  LIVE LIFE ALWAYS AND PASS THIS BEHAVIOUR DOWN TO OUR KIDS.  DO NOT PASS DOWN LAZINESS OR BOREDOM OR COMPLACENCY OR HATE OR DULLNESS.

INSPIRE.

ONE LIFE.

ONE.

ONE.

ONE.

LOVE.

LOVE.

LOVE.

FEBRUARY 17, 1978.

SEPTEMBER 24, 2005.

i wish that they met.

I am fifty one years old with a wife and thirteen year old daughter.  I live in a town in the middle of nowhere with big trucks and big mouths.  a town that votes for dull politicians and it’s citizens drink Tim Horton’s and frequent church.  not much goes on in this town.  the odd speeding ticket is issued.  the odd domestic assault.  the odd car crash.  but not much else.  bars close down at 9pm on weekdays and most stay open until midnight on weekends.  polite people.  rude people.  nice people.  dull people.  people who avoid the cities and avoid culture but people who enjoy family.  enjoy friends.  all kinds of nice people.  and LOTS of old people.  old people who have lived the majority of their lives in small rundown apartment buildings and then get transferred over to the “old folks home” when they can no longer walk or shit on their own.  old people who were once young and filled with energy and hope now sit lonely in their tiny apartments with no family and no money.  sad lives.  lonely lives.  dull lives.  what happened?  how did their lives play out?  what brought on the boredom?  the loneliness?  the sadness?  so many lives unfulfilled.  so many lives winding down without hope.  without friends.  without family. without fun.  lives lost but never lived.  life whizzing by.  day after day.  week after week.  month after month.  year after year.  decade after decade.  and then…DEAD.

fire.  fire.  fire.  art.  art.  art.  create.  create.  create.  challenge the system.  challenge the status quo.  challenge the leaders.  challenge everything and anything.  the lies are real.  the system fails so many.  the corrupt governments continuing to lie.  continuing to create chaos.  continuing to pretend.  pretending to help.  but sit back and watch crime grow.  watch poor people die.  watch poor people starve.  watch people with mental health issues struggle and struggle and struggle.  passed over and passed through a system that FUCKS EVERYONE except people with money.  a system that wants you to work for peanuts in shitty jobs that kill your heart.  kill your soul.  jobs that take half of your income away for taxes that pay for the shitty services that they offer.  a fucked up system with shitty psychiatrists who don’t give a fuck about you but just want your fucking money.  no care.  no heart.  no soul.  “no money?  then you are fucked!!!”  FUCK ALL OF THEM.  FUCKING SELFISH FUCKING PIGS!!!

so many jobs that offer up nothing to our society.  so many jobs that kill people.  their hearts.  their souls.  kill their family life.  kill their sex life.  kill their hopes.  such shitty jobs that line the pockets of old rich white guys but jobs that kill everyone else.  kill the souls of hard working men and women.  kill the environment.  kill the animals.  kill the kids.  kill anyone and everyone but as long as these pigs make money then they are a success.  WHAT A FUCKED UP SYSTEM!!!  WHO MADE THIS SYSTEM?  WHO ALLOWED THIS SYSTEM?  WHY ABIDE BY THE RULES IF THE RULES GET YOU NOWHERE BUT IN DEBT AND AWAY FROM LIFE?  A SYSTEM THAT FORCES YOU TO EAT SHITTY FOOD THAT IS USUALLY ROTTEN AND USUALLY EXPENSIVE.  WHAT A FUCKED UP SYSTEM.  A SYSTEM THAT APPLAUDS OLD LOUDMOUTH WHITE MEN BUT KILLS THE HOPES AND DREAMS OF POOR KIDS FROM OTHER COUNTRIES.  A SYSTEM THAT SUCKS IN THE POOR AND THE UNEDUCATED.  SUCKS THEM INTO WATCHING SHITTY SHOWS.  SCROLLING ON THEIR SHITTY PHONES.  A FUCKED UP SYSTEM WHERE YOUNG ENTITLED BOYS FROM ST. MIKES ARE JAMMING BROOMSTICKS UP THE ASSES OF THEIR UNSUSPECTING TEAMMATES WHILE LABELLING IT AS TEAM BONDING.  RAPES.  VIOLENCE.  RACISM.  MURDERS.  STARVING KIDS.  SICKENING WARS.  SICKENING LEADERS.  SICKENING SCHOOLS FILLED WITH A DULL SYSTEM AND MANY DULL TEACHERS.  GREAT TEACHERS GETTING FUCKED BY THE UNION.  FUCKED BY THE MASSES.  MASSES FOLLOWING THEIR RULES AND CALLING OUT ANYONE WHO FIGHTS BACK AGAINST THE RULES.  A SYSTEM THAT PRODUCES ROBOTS WITH SMALL MINDS AND SMALL DICKS.  BIG TRUCKS.  AND BIG MOUTHS.  A REALLY FUCKED UP SYSTEM THAT FUCKS 99% OF THE PEOPLE BUT THE 99% TOO BUSY TO NOTICE.  TOO BUSY TO LIVE.  TOO BUSY TO FUCK.  TOO BUSY TO PLAY.  TOO BUSY TO LOVE.  TOO BUSY TO FIGHT BACK.

FUCK OUR USELESS LEADERS.

ALL OF THEM.

FAKE SMILES.

FAKE PERSONALITIES.

FAKE JOBS.

FAKE PARENTS.

FUCK ALL OF THEM.

“HEY DOC…FUCK YOU TOO!!!”

 

death.  sickness.  disease.  sadness.  depression.  lost hopes.  lost dreams.  no hope.  no dreams.  mired in depression but blaming everyone else.  holding kids hostage.  hurting your own children but refusing help.  needing help but blaming others.  life passing by.  slowly.  quickly.  no way out.  no friends.  no relationships.  hurt.  pain.  anxiety.  no exercise.  bad eating habits.  no structure.  no fun.  no goals.  no successes.  failures.  no parents.  no help.  lost parents.  lost souls.  no hearts.  no thoughts.  DEATH.  brief mourning.  the mourning continues.  the mourning is more depression than mourning.  blame it on the death of loved ones but it is a mask for pain.  a mask for depression.  kids playing outside.  kids having fun.  butterflies and angels.  snakes and ladders.  dogs and cats and bunny rabbits leading kids down poor paths that lead to hiding instead of exploring.  helping mom instead of playing.  letting go but hanging on.  hurting our children with unresolved pains from the past.  sickening.  selfish.  rotten.  mirrors everywhere but never used.  fake IG posts trying to mask the pain.  the shame.  nothing working.  the walls are crumbling.  the pain is growing.  walls caving in.  boredom.  dull.  lonely.  sad.  no more “goodnight Daddy”.  painful.  unfair.  hurt.  open wounds.  a little kid in a grown up body with grown up friends and grown up rules that the peasants follow to a “tee” but never really working.  PAIN.  SORROW.  LACK OF LOVE.  LACK OF CONNECTION.  LACK OF UNDERSTANDING.  LACK OF LIFE.  LIVES MATTER.  WHERE IS THE MIRROR?  WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS?  WHERE ARE YOU?  WHO ARE YOU?  WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

one life to live.  one kid to raise.  painful memories never resolved.  do you need help?  ask for help.  break down the wall.  BREAK IT DOWN!!!  too many lives wasted in ego.  wasted in “strength”.  wasted on people’s opinions that do not matter.  grow.  evolve.  live.  let go.  breathe.  do.  be.  love.  allow.  surrender.  let it all out.  ask for help.  do not be a hero.  do not put me down.  do not talk down to me.  do not treat me like a second class citizen.  look in the mirror and accept.  WHO ARE YOU?  WHO ARE YOU?  WHO ARE YOU?

life passing by.  passions?  dreams?  goals?  loves?  hope.  lack of hope.  help.  help.  help.  ask for help.

“bless me father for I have sinned.”

jail.

drunk.

father dead.

friends dead.

family members dead.

friends in pain.

family members in pain.

society in pain.

the world is in pain.

feel.

hurt.

sad.

lost.

sleeping.

no more “goodnight”.

sore stomach.

pains.

aches.

alive.

I am alive.

I am ready.

I am creating.

I am different.

I am unique.

no more holding back.

no more hiding.

no more rules.

only truth.

only feelings.

little thoughts.

I am sad tonight.

I am worried tonight.

some things will never change.

time to go.