just got home from working two jobs and it is 8pm. i started my first job at 4am. i have no money. no excitement. no trips planned. no elaborate dinners and no pension. i am almost fifty-seven years old and I have less money now than when I was thirty-six. i am tired. i am sore. i am bored. i am old. i am lost. always lost. always bored. always hoping for a new day to save me from the last day but the new day always ends up being the same as all the other days. miraculously i am not depressed nor am i anxious. i have adhd and, possibly, ptsd and hints of bipolar disorder but i have accepted these impediments unlike most of society. i have accepted them and accepted our lack of resources for anyone who suffers with mental health issues. i don’t want to sit at a desk anyway and i don’t want to wear a name tag. i don’t want to shave and i don’t want to wear a suit. i don’t want to have sales goals to reach and i don’t want to go to company christmas parties. i don’t want to wear fake clothes and i don’t want to have a fake smile. i don’t want fake conversations and i don’t want to sit in any more GODDAM BORING SALES MEETINGS LEAD BY SHITTY MANAGERS WHO OFFER UP NOTHING BUT STATUS QUO QUOTES AND STATUS QUO INSPIRATIONAL SPEECHES. i like free beer and free wine. but if someone gives me a free bud or a free molson canadian i won’t drink it. i am not an alcoholic but i have been called one many times. i have also been called a pig. i have been called troubled and i have also been called funny and strange. i think i am a good guy with a big heart and a big soul but not everyone will agree with me. i watch lesser people get ahead and lesser people get jobs that i should have gotten. i have watched lesser people win awards and lesser people get rich. i don’t know why. it is NOT from my lack of effort nor is it from my lack of intelligence. i get bored in boring jobs and most of the jobs i have had over the years have been boring. i have read numerous self help books and seen numerous psychotherapists. i have taken many pills and i have listened to many experts on life. my windshield was broken the other day. i was driving at a normal speed on a normal road when a normal dump truck passed me and unloaded various rocks and pebbles from his truck. of course one hit my car and now i need to spend 500 dollars to fix the windshield when i don’t have 500 dollars to fix it. i also don’t have money to pay off my telus bill. i work three jobs and have very little money. i don’t watch shitty tv nor do i listen to shitty music. i am doing my best to avoid eating shitty food and i had knee surgery 8 weeks ago. my knee is still swollen but i am exercising again which brings me joy. i want to visit portugal and i want to go to new york city. i want to live forever but i know that won’t happen. i will miss my daughter when i die. i wished we never had to die. we spend our whole lives with people and then, one day, they are gone…forever…my feet are sore. i continue to work and i try to continue to love. i also continue to exercise. the acting industry bores me. i chose the wrong career. choices we make when we are younger can come back to bite us hard and bite us relentlessly. am i the only one who feels this way? i wish more people were honest and more people were vulnerable. i wish we still had strong communities and strong families but the chase for money or the need to work to survive has lessened community and lessened family get togethers.
there are horrific wars going on and horrific acts of violence. do the politicians care for human life?
sick.
sad.
lost.
alive.
passionate (used to be?)
bored.
bored.
bored.
i love real people and real conversations and i wished we all got along.
money.
money.
money.
time.
time.
time.
go.
go.
go.
don’t listen to the experts. they are wrong.
listen to your gut and listen to the birds chirping outside.
i got a sunburn today. march 13th.
time for bed.
tomorrow is a new day.
#hope.
notanotherphony. 