i love you nanny.

i sit in the hospital room.  palliative care.  it is sunny outside.  smiling faces.  honking horns.  wind blowing.  radios blaring.  but inside it is quiet.  nanny lying down.  eyes closed.  breathing but never really going to live again.  she has been given forty-eight hours to live.  she will pass away in less than two days.  eighty-five years of living and it comes down to this.  lying down on a crappy bed with tubes hooked up to her.  looking at her family that will never ever see her again.  sadness has filled the room.  beautiful cards with beautiful messages.  inspiring and sad at the same time.  pictures fill the room.  old pictures of a time when life was fun and exciting.  fresh and new.  i look at nanny lying there and cry.  i’m not the only one.  tears fill the room.  life is cruel.  you never know when it is going to end and yet we continue to live like we will never die.  neglecting friends.  neglecting family.  neglecting hopes.  neglecting dreams.  death facing nanny in the eye and what does she say???  “how is work going christian?”  so kind.  so caring.  i look at her holding back the tears and think of the pain she is in.  wondering about the thoughts that fill her head.  i want to hug her the way i would like to hug my mom.  i rarely talk to my mom.  she will die soon.  sad.  lonely.  sad life filled with regrets and wishing she had more years left but realizing she doesn’t.  i do not want my mom to die.  i do not want nanny to die.  i look at nicole and see such a loving person.  i cry again.  time slows down.  for a moment.  it will speed up again and death will inevitably happen.  for nanny.  for mom.  for nicole.  for rylee.  for me.  dad…i miss you so much.  i wish that you lived longer.  i love you nanny.