love. always love.

I woke up today with a cold.  some call it a “man cold” but I prefer the term “cold.”  only I know how I felt.  how I feel.  I didn’t feel good.  I had a stuffy nose.  sore throat.  my energy was low.  eyes blurry.  I wanted to stay home and drink coffee and discuss life but I had a few meetings that I needed to attend.  One was for laser hair removal on my neck.  the other was with an ex ceo of a major clothing brand that is very prominent.  the laser hair removal never making sense to Nicole as she looks at me with my huge beard and she sees me trying to grow out my balding head of hair and she wonders why I care about hair on my neck.  and Nicole is right.  it is silly.  I don’t even know why I care about hair on the back of my neck.  for an old man of fifty years I am still consumed by zits and hair growth on my neck.  such meaningless hang ups in the grand scheme of life and yet these are very real hang ups to me.  why?  I do not know. 
  I arrived at my laser hair removal appointment and was instantly greeted by the pretty but “fake pretty” receptionist.  the girl would have been pretty without the fake breasts and fake puffy lips but she was still nice and friendly so I really shouldn’t be judging her.  and who am I to judge as I sit in the waiting room waiting to get my neck zapped by lasers?  HYPOCRITE.  COMPLICATED.  FRACTURED. 
  Anyway, I chatted briefly with the receptionist before being called in to get my neck hairs zapped by a laser.  The woman told me to take off my shirt and lay on my stomach.  I obeyed her and lay down.  I’ve always enjoyed laying down in spas.  so relaxing.  women so friendly.  I would have preferred a massage but today it was lasers.  I winced as the machine was pushed up and down the back of my neck.  In the past I would have fantasized about the technician and imagined all kinds of sexual happenings but this time I lay down and spoke with the technician with a level of respect and love that I haven’t felt in years.  I have always been respectful and loving but many think that I haven’t.  that I’m not.  I mess up like everyone else messes up but I own up to my fuck ups while many others do not.  I am human after all.  an old human being getting older by the day.  RESPECT.  the woman was from the Middle East I believe.  friendly.  thorough.  kind.  I wish all humans could just get along and love and hug each other.  instead we are littered with ugly humans running the world into oblivion. we need more artists and less politicians.  I want my daughter to grow up and live in a beautiful world void of hatred and void of dumb rules made by greedy politicians.  rules that only serve themselves and their rich white cronies.
  The woman finished zapping me and I handed her ten dollars for her thorough service.  “You were so thorough.  soooo good.  thank you sooo much.  I hope you are here next time.”  and there always is a “next time” as the hairs never leave.  never diminish.  but I keep coming back.  hoping for a miracle.  a miracle?  it’s only a few neck hairs. 
anyway, I said goodbye to the receptionist and booked my next appointment.  I then walked back to my car and drove over to Square One to meet the ex ceo.  I stopped for lunch at Whole Foods and due to my “cold” I had soup and some cold noodles.  more beautiful girls.  more respect.  I then sat down and began eating.  the food tasted soooo good and then I saw my police buddy, Tyler, walking into Whole Foods with his new girlfriend.  they were holding hands.  they looked happy.  I hid.  I didn’t know if Tyler wanted me to see him.  he seemed so happy.  good for him.  I didn’t want to rain on his parade.  I just want people to be happy.  too much sadness in this world.  not enough love.  not enough communication.  not enough conversation.  LOVE.  LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.
  I finished my food and snuck out of Whole Foods.  I think I went unnoticed.  I will text Tyler later to laugh about it.  I headed over to the mall and went inside.  I briefly looked for a baseball hat (who knows why again) in Sportcheck.  a few cops watched me.  then I went to Second Cup and grabbed a coffee and read some Kerouac.  On The Road.  started slow but loving it now.  sooooo poetic.  sooooo inspirational.  Second Cup was busy.  one of the baristas was pretty.  soooo many pretty girls everywhere but I am married to the prettiest.  I also have the prettiest daughter.  Inside and out.  I noticed an older man in a wheelchair struggling to find a seat so I told him that the seat across from me was empty.  He wheeled over.  I moved the chair that was in front of the table.  he sat in his wheelchair and waited for the pretty barista to bring his coffee.  she put the coffee down in front of him.  black coffee.  “Did you want me to put cream in it?”  I asked the older man.  “No thank you.  I dip my cookies in the coffee.  I’ve been doing this for years.  I have to watch what I eat as I have dentures and I don’t want them falling out.  did you want a cookie?”  “No thanks.  But I remember eating those cookies when I was a kid.”  they were Dad’s oatmeal cookies.  I used to love those cookies.  ate them by the box.  anyway, I spoke with the older man for awhile and then went back to reading Kerouac.  I was surrounded by noise.  by conversations.  by lights.  by pretty girls and yet somehow someway I managed to keep my concentration on the book.  Yoga helping me slow down and be in the moment after years of living in the past and living in the future.  I feel so much better.  I finished my coffee and closed my book.  I stood up to walk away when the older man spoke again.  “I used to read a lot.  I loved reading.  I find it too difficult to read these days.  I am too old.”  “You’re not too old.  But that’s great that you read.  Nobody reads anymore.”  I replied to the man.  He nodded his head and smiled as I nodded my head and smiled.  human connection is everywhere when you are open and ready to receive.  and human connection is nowhere if you are closed and hide in your home.
  I walked around the mall for a bit and then noticed a woman wearing a pair of Red Wing 8 inch Moc Toes.  I wasn’t going to say anything but then I walked over to her and asked her where she got her boots.  “Get Outside,” she said.  I told her that I was the rep for Ontario and we spoke for about fifteen minutes.  I found out that she was from Switzerland and she had two sisters and they both wore Red Wing boots too.  After awhile the woman’s son came out and smiled at me with a young man’s smile.  Uncertain who I was and what I wanted from his Mom.  I didn’t want anything other than to make her feel good.  I acknowledged her beautiful boots.  her quality boots.  Most people wear cheap flashy celebrity endorsed product so it is always refreshing to see someone wearing quality goods.  there is still hope for humanity.  I said bye to the woman.  to her son and then exited the mall to go and meet Ken the ex ceo of the big clothing brand.  I saw him standing by Simon’s and walked up to him.  “Ken?”  I said.  “Christian?”  he said back and we both said “Yes.”  we shook hands and then walked to a coffee shop where we both ordered Chamomile tea and then sat down.  we discussed so many things in the one hour that we met.  the one hour that we talked.  Ken found out about my endeavours.  my life.  my hopes.  my dreams.  I found out about Ken’s endeavours.  Ken’s family.  Ken’s travelling.  Ken’s new dreams.  new aspirations.  we spoke as if we were brothers who hadn’t seen each other for a few years.  No awkwardness.  no discomfort.  Ken had just sold his shares of the big brand that he was ceo of and had made millions.  I still live paycheck to paycheck.  polar opposites on the payscale and yet so connected and so close on so many other levels.  Just two grown men trying to figure out life.  figure out family.  figure out jobs and passions.  figure out schedules and spouses.  After an hour or so we both agreed that we had to get going.  as we walked out Ken mentioned that he had to get up early to finalize a deal on a new cottage up in Inverhuron.  I told Ken that we used to go there every summer.  “I love the sunsets and the camp fires right on the water.  so beautiful.”  Ken agreed with a big smile.  We gave each other a hug and agreed that we would see each other again.  I walked back to my shitty car and drove home.  the drive was surprisingly quiet on the 410 and then BOOM.  traffic suddenly came to a halt.  a standstill.  forty minutes of no movement.  no life. listening to the same cd’s over and over.  I just wanted to get home.  to see my wife.  to see my daughter and BOOM.  why is there always BOOM?  constant traffic jams in a constant traffic jam of life.  lost time.  lost lives.  why?  so sad.  so meaningless.  I finally made my way to the cause of the traffic jam.  A HUGE cement truck flipped over on it’s side and had slid completely off of the highway.  other cars completely demolished.  destroyed.  a certain casualty.  certain casualties.  a needless casualty.  needless casualties.  five fire trucks.  four ambulances.  three cop cars.  and five tow trucks.  a senseless accident and a senseless death.  senseless deaths.  why do people continue to speed?  speed kills.  and kill it did.  I wanted to feel sadness but I truly didn’t.  I am an empathetic guy but when I see the speeds that these trucks go and the danger that they cause I lose my feelings for them.  maybe I shouldn’t but I do.  was it all worth it?  obviously NOT.  But some people never learn.  there will be more accidents.  more deaths.  more loss.
  I finally made it home and quickly ate dinner before going to yoga with Rylee and Nicole.  Yin Yoga.  deep poses.  long breaths.  big emotions.  LOVE.  LIFE.  FAMILY.  STILLNESS.
  slow down and breathe.  slow down and love.  slow down and connect.  slow down and communicate.  slow down and feel.  slow down and give.  slow down and receive.
slow down and take in all that life has to offer.
do not take life for granted.
live life to it’s fullest.
don’t give up.
love.
always love.