inspire kids.

tossed and turned all night in bed. not the first time.  never been a good sleeper but it seems to be getting worse with age.  wine sometimes helps.  sleeping pills sometimes help.  Tylenol Cold pills sometimes help.  all three together really help.  but sometimes I worry about overdosing so that method of sleep enhancement usually is saved for extreme circumstances like an early morning shoot or an early morning meeting when sleep is absolutely necessary.  when did my inability to sleep get so bad?  not even sure when it started.  but it just started and now it won’t stop.  similar to so many other problems.  hang ups.  addictions.  they just start.  they just continue.  they just wreak havoc and before you know it you are engrossed in it.  such a vicious cycle.  such a vicious life.
  I woke up from my night of not sleeping and quickly drank a cup of coffee.  I was about to have a second one but I knew that it would interfere with my Concerta medication so I stopped myself.  my willpower sometimes stronger than my urges.  the Concerta has been giving me extreme “dry mouth” lately but without it my mind wanders.  my mind becomes blurry.  I have tried other meds all to little or no success.  the search continues.  yoga has been a salvation for me.  calming.  loving.  feeling.  focusing.  breathing.  I wished I took the advice of so many people twenty years ago who said that yoga and meditation would be a game changer for me.  but I didn’t.  I never did.  never do.  I was stubborn.  still am.  sometimes you have to give up control and listen to others.  not everyone is dull.  not everyone is a sheep.  I continue my search. 
  after my coffee I packed my gym bag and packed my sample bag of boots.  Had a meeting with Town Shoes later in the day.  I tried to get a workout in but as usual I was running late so I skipped the workout and went straight to the steam room.  I opened the door.  steam was dense.  I saw a man in one corner so I sat in the other.  He said “hi” and I said “hi” back.  good guy.  seen him at the gym many times.  we talked about the winter and the upcoming cold spell.  “It’s about to get real cold.  Real cold.”  he said.  “Yeah I heard.  we haven’t had much of a winter so far.  no snow.”  “It’s coming.”  “Yeah for sure.  I hope we have snow for Christmas.”  I continued.  “Oh we will.  we will.”  he replied.  we talked about the snow for awhile and then we moved onto skiing.  he told me that he has a pass for Blue Mountain but it doesn’t compare to Whistler or even Sunshine in Calgary.  he lived in both places.  “Blue Mountain is like a hill.  Nothing beats Whistler.  You can only do a few runs and then you’re wiped out.  there are only hills out here.  not mountains.”  I told him that I lived in Calgary for a year and LOVED IT.  he said that it is cold in Calgary but a dry cold and I, once again, agreed.  if you haven’t experienced a dry cold compared to what we get then you wouldn’t understand but there is a big difference.  there was a moment of silence between the two of us when the steam door opened and a third guy came in.  older.  nice.  Italian I think.  somehow someway we began talking about going down south for vacation.  the one guy was leaving for Antigua in a few weeks.  the other guy leaving tomorrow for Aruba.  “Nice.”  I said.  I said this as if I have been to both places.  as if I am a big shooter of some kind.  we continued our talk.  both guys spoke about the recent Hurricane and the destruction that it did to many places.  Both Antigua and Aruba were spared the devastation.  “Cuba and Puerto Rico got hit the worst.”  the older guy said.  “Yeah, that’s terrible.”  I responded.  the one guy said “bye” and then left the steam room.  I continued my talk with the older gentleman.  he said he just listened to a podcast where there was an author on the show who wrote a book about our society and how bad it is and that he sometimes wishes that he wasn’t born because it is so catastrophic.  “I had to turn it off.  too depressing.  You can’t listen to that stuff for too long or you’ll become depressed.  I am aware of the happenings in the world but I don’t get fixated on it.  My sister watches the news all day and then wonders why she is so depressed.  It is not healthy.”  “Yeah I agree.”  I said to the man but I didn’t really agree.  Just trying to keep the peace.  why argue with an older nice man in a steam room in Orangeville?  what’s the point?  I wanted to tell him that we should all be more informed.  that we should all be more empathetic to the happenings in the world.  I wanted to say that to him but I didn’t.  I agreed with him and told him that we were lucky to be living in Canada.  I brought up Ai Weiwei and the documentary he did on the refugee crisis but the older man hadn’t heard of it.  Nobody really has.  while we are force fed shitty Hollywood movies that offer up nothing and having zero heart and even less soul great films go unnoticed.  unwatched.  lonely pieces of art that few see but the few who see FEEL more than the average man.  average woman.  feeling is much more interesting to me than thinking.  sometimes they can work well together but many times they do not and I prefer feeling over thinking.  the key to my life is in the feeling.  the death of me and my life is in the thinking.  thinking always getting me in trouble while feeling always leading me to my gut.  my center.  my being.
  the older man left and then a younger guy came in but it was time for me to leave as I was now running late for my appt.  I quickly showered and got dressed.  I then hopped in my car and drove off.  I went down highway 10 to hwy 410.  nothing even remotely interesting to report.  traffic was light for once and I listened to Sigur Ros, Bonnie Prince Billy, and finally Mumford and Sons.  I like the idea of listening to these underground art house bands but sometimes I prefer pop art house music like Mumford and Sons.  They make me feel.  feel good.  I need that.
  anyway, I eventually made it down to Town Shoes for my appt and I rang the bell to get let in.  A young man let me in with a smile and asked who I was there to see.  “I’m here to see Brent.”  “Okay let me buzz him for you.”  The man buzzed Brent but Brent wasn’t there.  “I left a message for him.  You can wait here for him.”  The man left with a smile and I sat down.  I had two bags with me.  I looked in the mirror that was to the left of me and I realized that my transitional glasses hadn’t transitioned yet.  Shades.  “I am wearing shades.  I am also wearing a toque.  huge beard.”  always wanting to be a rock star but actually a shoe salesman.  neither really.  a few more friendly people walked by and asked if I have been helped and I said “yes.”  so many friendly people.  it never used to be like this.  management.  probably new management.  leadership key in all walks of life.  a bad leader and everything crumbles but a good leader inspires.  a good leader brings people together.  a good leader gets the most out of people and a good leader respects people.  DONALD FUCKING TRUMP IS NOT A GOOD FUCKING LEADER.  HE IS THE ULTIMATE MAGGOTT!!!
  Brent finally arrived and I had my appointment.  I charmed Brent the way I charm most people but charming is one thing.  succeeding is something quite different.  After about an hour of talking shoes (dull) I left with an order and walked away tired.  uninspired.  I jumped in my car and wanted to visit other stores.  I wanted to go to Yorkdale and see the new Sporting Life store.  I also wanted to eat but then I called Nicole and she said, “Are you crazy?  It is Friday afternoon at 2 o’clock.”  You should get out of Toronto as fast as you can or you will be STUCK.”  and she was right.  I will be STUCK.  I am always STUCK.  STUCK a big part of my vocabulary.  a big part of my life.  I am on the quest to be UNSTUCK but right now I am still STUCK.  I drove onto the 401 (traffic) and made my way to the 410 (more traffic) and then onto highway 10 (no traffic but buffoons driving like buffoons making me wish for traffic to keep these speed demons in check).  I grabbed a pita at Pita Pit and spoke with the nice girl behind the counter.  I speak with everyone and everyone speaks with me.  what does it all mean?  are there messages?  I then went to Starbucks where I ordered two coffees and a hot chocolate for Rylee.  I was struggling with the three drinks when a young pretty girl helped me out by getting a tray for me and then held the door open for me as I struggled with the coffees.  People are so nice.  so friendly.  what makes people hate?  what makes people sad?  so much goodness in our world.  I want to help everyone.  sad adults were once promising kids filled with hopes and dreams.  I left Starbucks and drove home.  It was great seeing Rylee and Nicole.  “guess what Dad?”  “What?”  “I am the member of the month at the Yoga Studio.  Taylor announced it at class and I was so happy.  my face went red because I was so excited!!!!”  “That’s amazing Rylee!!!  I’m so proud of you.”  and I really am proud of her.  she is a young girl filled with so much love and so much acceptance.  I want the absolute best for her.  she deserves it.  all kids deserve it.  kids don’t have a choice in who their parents are.  parents should take parenting seriously and do everything they possibly can to give their kids opportunities in this life.  to give their kids love.  to give their kids respect.  don’t hurt kids.  Inspire kids.  they are our future.  they are us.  Rylee is amazing.  loving.  caring.  smart.  beautiful.  big heart.  bigger soul.  a special and unique girl who deserves a great life.  I am fifty years old.  My Mom is eighty one.  My Dad is dead.