my first recollections of my life. the heights drive. a long time ago. good times. fun times. innocent times. young and innocent. shitty housing complex filled with new immigrants in a new country. no money but happy. a simpler life. a life filled with hope for everyone. some moved on but many did not. fractured lives. fractured friends.
heights drive. playing with Dom and Merrick. outdoor swimming pool. nightly bonfires. drunken adults. young parents. fun parents. new parents. a start of a new life. new beginnings. hope. a long time ago. so many long ago gone. long ago forgotten. life. so precious and so fragile. piecing the fragmented moments together. what number did we live in? a long time ago. good times. family fun. mom. dad. nana. dom. and me. myself. family. smiles. laughs. hope. always hope. long ago gone by the wayside. left at the last psychiatrist office. the last jail cell. the last gym. the last Christmas. the last class. the last audition. the last love. the last fuck. the last job. the last kiss. the last drink. the last drug. the last report card. the last fight. the last breath. hope?
the good times at the heights drive. 10 cent newspapers. open boxes. I remember stealing one once. I was so scared that I would get caught and get arrested. worries. fears. hope?
playing road hockey with other kids. playing hide and seek. playing nicky nicky nine doors. outside constantly. vague memories of great times. poor times but loving times. hopeful times. mom. dad. nana. dom. me. family. so long ago. lonely.
I remember seeing a bunch of full paint cans in the laundromat of our shitty housing complex and opening up the cans and plastering paint all over the walls and floor and washing machines. I was with Merrick and a few other guys but I forget their names. it was a long time ago. we made a mess. we were kids. kids being free. no rules. no boundaries. freedom to make mistakes. hope. lots of hope. lots of fun. lots of life left to live. I am now fifty one years old. no dad.
I remember the excitement of getting a new dog. we called him Snoopy (how original). he was a little beagle. a puppy. we loved him so much. our teenage neighbour walked him daily. she loved him too. then one day she walked him and he ran away from her and got run over by a TTC bus. he was dead. she was devastated. she had to walk home and tell us the horrific news. sadness. life. I wonder what happened to that girl? she was so nice. did she ever recover? does she still have guilt? loss. death. more death to follow.
I remember my first kiss with a girl. we were on the second level playground. surrounded by shitty apartments and cracked roadways. I don’t even know how it started but it did. it was over fast. it was on the monkey bars. Merrick was there. then it was over. I don’t even remember her name. I wonder what happened to her. life. loss. hope.
Friday night parties. bonfires. drinking. laughing. drunkenness. fighting. typical behaviour by typical people. good times. less thought and more do. free. alive. open. fun. hope.
I remember playing wall ball with the Indian Hard Balls. then one afternoon I decided to join my friends and jump from the second floor balcony onto the first floor balcony. it was about a 12 foot drop. my friends jumped first and made it. I then jumped and missed the landing. my head knocked violently off the hard concrete floor. I collapsed. my friends tried to wake me up but I did not move. they ran to get my Mom. she came running over and thought that I was dead. she was frantically trying to wake me up by hitting me and screaming for help. help arrived (great neighbours who cared. who loved.) shortly. an ambulance took me away. my Mom screaming. kids silent. North York General Hospital. I called it the “H” hospital. I was concussed. three days in a hospital bed. I survived but barely. Mom’s fears alleviated. it was a long time ago. my Mom is now eighty years old. life whizzing by way too quickly. family.
the complex seemed so big but I drive by now and it is so small. so old. so run down. so poor. it was my first recollection of life. love. what number did we live in? the memories of long lost youth. forgotten youth. hopes and dreams. memories fading.
and then BOOM. one more arrives. I remember the old crotchety superintendent woman. old. skinny. scary. she would pick up garbage in our complex with a steel pointed stick. old. scary. always wore black. she looked like an old nun. just as scary.
then one day I decided to throw a big boulder threw her front window. not sure why but I did. I smashed the window with the toss and took off in fear. I quickly ran home and locked the door behind me and put on the tv. my Nana wondering what kind of mischief I was into this time. I remember a Mr. Clean commercial come on as the doorbell rang. I was silent. stunned. scared. my Nana opened the door and it was the police. then my memory fades. what happened? and what happened to that old superintendent? I assume she is dead like so many others who once lived there. a long time ago. good times. innocent times. fun times. Merrick and Tina Atkinson. my first friends. I wonder where they are. I wonder what they are doing. lost. angry. drunk. both parents dead. my Dad dead too. kids? not sure. they were once young and innocent but now old and bitter. hanging on by a thread. by a drink. but will, at some point, die too. the circle of life.
the heights drive. my first memories of life. my first memories of loss. my first memories of rules. my first memories of freedom. my first memories of fear. my first memories of girls. my first memories of love. my first memories of family. my first memories of hope. hope. love. loss. friendships. family. smiles and long days and even longer nights. youth at work. youth at play. forgotten youth. forgotten family. it was a long time ago. I wonder what happened to everyone who once lived there?
youth.
love.
hope.
family.
friends.
it was a long time ago.
life.
notanotherphony. 