my busy mind continues to get busier while continuing to be less productive. filled with thoughts. filled with books. filled with music. filled with youtube clips. filled with massive amounts of information. filled with passion. filled with fire. filled with rules. filled with “to do” lists. filled with schedules. filled with frustration. noise. headaches. blurry eyes. barking dogs. screaming kids. firework explosions. car alarms and chirping birds. a sensitive mind and a sensitive heart. sore wrists. sore ankles. sore back. sore shoulders. sore head. everything sore. everything busy. nothing accomplished. day planners. yoga. cycling. tennis. soccer. HEAD POUNDING. NOISE. NOISE. NOISE. WHY IS EVERYONE SO FUCKING LOUD???
barely functioning. barely hanging on. a medical system that pushes the mentally ill to the curb. pushes them with a big stick. a big sign. a big list of lies and a big list of red tape complete with waiting lists and waiting on phones with bad music. sitting and waiting. sitting AND waiting. sitting and waiting. a waiting game of epic proportions. waiting in vain for a miracle to happen but, instead, stuck in a system that favours the rich. favours the elite. favours the dull. a powerful system of corruption. a powerful system of fraud. a powerful system of greed.
“you can call back in four months. we get a lot of referrals from doctors”. the same message over and over and over. paying for health care that doesn’t help. “try this pharmaceutical DRUG. if that doesn’t work, try this one. if that doesn’t work, try this one.”
“Can I get a prescription for medicinal marijuana?”
“NO…THERE IS NOT ENOUGH RESEARCH ON THE LONG TERM EFFECTS OF MARIJUANA. KEEP TRYING THESE PHARMACEUTICALS. WE WILL EVENTUALLY FIND THE RIGHT ONE.”
I leave depressed. I leave lost. a man once filled with hope is now filled with hopelessness and despair. pounding head. pounding heart. twitchy hands. twitchy eyes. uppers. downers. fast track solutions not working but seemingly no long term doctors. everything short term in a society filled with low attention spans and low tolerance. anger more prevalent than love. angry politicians offering up fake hope. fake smiles. fake balls. everyone fake but the fake followers continue to follow. hoping for a miracle in a less than miraculous life.
what do people do for fun these days? dull tv. dull movies. dull music. dull conversation. a society of dullness adding to my busy brain and pounding heart.
“HELP ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED!!!”
But, as always, NO HELP.
a system filled with lies. filled with deception. filled with dullness.
pounding head.
doctor?
jesus?
mom?
dad?
yogi?
coach?
teacher?
eckhart tolle?
god?
priest?
psychiatrist???
“TAKE THESE PILLS!!! TAKE THEM NOW. THEY MAY WORK. PROBABLY NOT BUT COME BACK IN A MONTH AND WE’LL TRY SOMETHING ELSE!!!”
I walk around aimlessly. scratching. itching. tweaking. sniffling. I breathe for one second and I am still. one second becomes two. then three and four. stillness. birds singing. refrigerator moaning. head still pounding.
why do I live here?
what is here for me?
is there NOT a better place to live?
life allowing life to drag me down.
look outside of the box.
the world is filled with beauty.
the world is filled with excitement.
the world is filled with art.
TAKE THE PLUNGE.
CREATE.
CREATE.
CREATE.
stop reading and start creating.
music.
film.
stories.
notanotherphony.
REAL STORIES.
REAL PEOPLE.
REAL EMOTION.
restless and real.
not dull and phony.
notanotherphony. 