another day of quarantine. another day of writing. another day of reading. another day of running. another day of dog walking. another day of drinking. another day of jerking. when will this thing be over? I want answers but the answers never appear. I watch countless videos all saying different things. I read countless articles all saying different things. I watch the leaders of countries all saying different things. I see leaders of provinces and states all saying different things. I reach out to friends and they are all saying different things. So I march on to the beat of my own drum. I march on using my instincts. my gut. my heart. I look back and see that almost three months have gone by since this whole thing started. time flies. time always flies. do people change? change opinions? change eating habits? change drinking habits? change exercise habits? change daily habits? I have been attempting to change for forty years but am I really just the same guy that I was forty years ago? Just older and more shrivelled. more aches. more pains. less hope. less hair. but really the same guy. that scares me. I have been seeing psychiatrists and psychotherapists for forty years and we’re still bouncing around ideas and diagnosis. adhd. ptsd. manic. impulse control disorder. intermittent explosive behaviour. bipolar? not to mention shame and loss and drinking too much (what is too much?). I also read too much. run too much. write too much. everything is too much. too much noise. too many thoughts. too much clutter. too many truths (what is truth?).
so now I sit and write. as I write I am listening to Tom Waits and I feel great. Murphy asleep under my feet. Just back from a 10k run. Everything seems great. everything seems fine. everything seems hopeful. but now I am going to stop writing. I am going to go downstairs and eat. I am going to drink a coffee. Murphy will want a walk soon too. And then I will read a bit. watch a few youtube videos. read a few posts on facebook. watch some mainstream news. watch some alternative news. listen to opinions and opinions and more opinions. I will see two completely different opinions on Sweden. two completely different opinions on Bill Gates. Two completely different opinions on Trump and Trudeau and Ford and Hilary and so on and so on and then my mind will be cluttered again and I will feel lousy and confused and frustrated again. so then I will relax and read and drink and write and then the vicious dull cycle will begin all over again. day after dreary day. over AND OVER. I want to read books. big books. not small articles. I want to live in the mountains and by an ocean. I want to wake up to beautiful weather and beautiful people (inside and out) and lessen the noise but strengthen the love. strengthen connections. human contact. human contact. human contact.
I REALLY JUST WANT HUMAN CONTACT.
we will all die at some point.
I don’t want to fight over Covid or over Trump or snowflakes or Hilary or Trudeau or Ford or Scheer or #metoo. I don’t want to fight over people I’ll never meet. I don’t want to fight with anyone. I am sure we are all more similar to each other than we think we are.
the elites may be different but that is 1%.
99% are left to love and to connect with.
human connection.
always human connection.
notanotherphony. 