still 53. still dealing with ADHD. still dealing with Anxiety seemingly caused by my ADHD. over forty years of therapy and over forty years of doctors and over forty years of meds and over forty years of books and over forty years of frustration and seemingly at the same spot. STUCK. looking for answers. looking for help. always looking for answers. always looking for help. i feel bloated today too. too much coffee. too much cream. too much sugar. everything is too much except for help with my ADHD. that seems to elude me. one week after a thorough analysis from a specialized doctor at CAMH and still stuck taking the same meds that don’t work. still stuck searching for qualified ADHD doctors. still suck searching for ADHD coaches. a phone appointment with my family physician today still in search of help turned into shaming and frustration. her on me. her frustrated. me shamed. “You keep going around in circles. what do you think your CAMH appt was for? We’ve been down this road before. You’re just spinning and spinning!!! I will not change your medications again as you have tried all of those stimulants and Straterra and you are never happy with them!!!” she said with frustration.
“Well hasn’t CAMH emailed you with his recommendations? his assessment?” I asked with confidence but feeling shame.
“No. But that’s what CAMH are like. They are very slow.”
“Okay…well I’ll continue to take the Zoloft even though the CAMH specialist told me that Zoloft works against ADHD.”
“I don’t know what to tell you other than try emailing CAMH.” she continued.
“Okay. Thanks.” I replied.
And with that I hung up the phone and drove in shame and frustration down to my Covid Test. Still searching. still trying. still frustrated. still confused. mind still foggy. body bloated. hair falling out and what’s left going grey. sweating. pasty mouth. foggy mind. hopeful…always hopeful but always frustrated.
mental health.
let’s all talk about mental health.
talk can be good but for me talk is cheap.
why is our system so flawed?
I tried researching our various governments and various parties to find out who is the biggest proponent of funding to mental health issues but the info is so confusing and so scattered that I gave up. that is always the case with government issues and government policies. lots of promises. lots of big numbers thrown around. lots of smiles and lots of bluster but no clear platforms. no clear answers. no clear info. talk. all talk. all confusion. all white smiles and white lies. and the frustration continues.
why is there not more mandatory physical activity for kids? I believe phys ed has been reduced at schools even prior to Covid. why? physical exercise has been proven to help in dealing with mental health issues. why are there NOT more commercials for physical exercise and the benefits? why are there NOT more commercials for the benefits of healthy eating? we have government sponsored Covid commercials which is great BUT we should also have government sponsored commercials for healthy eating and physical exercise. why wait until kids have issues until we treat? until we medicate? why not be proactive instead of reactive? who do I talk with about this? how do I get my voice heard?
do people really care about mental illness unless they have a family member who has it? and even then…do they really understand it? Is it similar to other issues in the world? racism? sexism? poverty? if you haven’t experienced it then try as you may but you just won’t understand it. can’t understand it. there are so many issues in the world and we only have so much time so do people generally only care about issues that affect them? do I do this too? is it better for me to understand this? does it make things easier or harder? are we all alone in this world? not in a negative way. just a factual way. empathy is huge. empathy is great. empathy is fantastic. love is real. love is good. love is love.
is greed more important than life?
exercise.
eat healthy.
do not consume garbage.
do not get caught up with toxic people.
read.
connect.
human connection.
don’t hide.
love.
be curious.
it is sunny outside.
i meditated today for the 15th day in a row.
i feel good despite my frustrations.
many people are worse off than me.
many people are better off than me.
i hope that I can help people who need help.
i am good at talking.
i am good at listening.
i am good at understanding.
i appear to judge people but I am one of the least judgmental people I know. real. raw.
doctor?
doctor’s?
hello?
hello?
do you need help?
do you know what ADHD is?
itch.
scratch the itch.
fix one and release the other.
need more awareness.
need more funding.
need funding to go to tangible things NOT gimmicks.
need more love and less greed.
i guess at some point we will all die.
i hope that I die loving and living.
NO REGRETS.
NO REGRETS.
NO REGRETS.
NO MAS.
notanotherphony. 