a beautiful run today at Island Lake. It was cold but sunny and the benefits of the sun outweighed the feelings of cold. it always does. i now sit at my computer wanting to write but not really knowing what to write about. mental health is at the top of my mind. it always is. but what to say about it is another thing altogether. it is Bell Let’s Talk day today and everyone champions this noble cause by Bell but as much as this initiative gets people talking which is great…what if you are already talking but nobody is listening? what do you do then? I have been talking for over thirty years but I’ve never fully received the help I have needed. ADHD is a tricky ailment. a tricky condition. most people don’t really understand what it really is. they think it is an illness which makes kids hyper and problematic. it makes kids restless and toxic. it makes kids angry and rude. but it is much more than that. first of all it affects adults too. as much as my ADHD affected me as a kid and into my early adult years it seemingly affects me more now. back then I would play sports and drink heavily and fuck lots of girls and get into fights and work numerous jobs and get arrested and get into fights and then fuck more girls and go on random trips and sleep at random houses in random towns and go to various schools and still be in high school at the age of twenty-three and I was still happy. still hopeful. still dreaming. still fucking. still playing. still acting. still making people laugh and making friends wherever I went despite all of my problems. but the problems never went away as I aged and continued to struggle. the struggle is not debilitating. i am functioning. i never feel like killing myself. i appear smart and I appear happy and am always hopeful. always alive. always energized. but deep inside I am lost. confused. scattered. some days are great and then others are foggy. I am extremely hard on myself. I sit down to work. sit down to type. sit down to make list after list after list that goes untouched. unfulfilled. I have over sixty notebooks with three hundred stories scattered all over my house. all over my brain. I know that I am capable of so much more and yet my foggy mind gets in the way of my foggy life. it is hard to be confident when you are not sure if your brain will suddenly freeze. suddenly scatter.
now at the age of fifty-three I have a family. a family of three. a loving family of three who need me as much as I need them. but my confusion and fogginess does not help. what was once fun and games despite the struggles and the arrests is now torment. is now shameful. is now frustrating. frustrating and scary. will I ever get ahold of my ADHD? will I ever get the help that I need? will I ever thrive? will anyone ever really understood what I am going through? do people know what I do daily to function? do we ever really know what anyone does? do our governments really care? and if they don’t care that is fine but I wish they would stop pretending that they do.
poverty sucks.
our world is flawed.
our leaders are sick.
our system is a sham.
people are good.
most professions are really not needed but pay pretty well.
“good help is hard to find.”
perseverance is key.
don’t quit.
signs.
signs.
signs.
heed the warnings.
read the signs.
love people.
do not let the maggots win.
i wonder why more people who are desperate do not do more desperate things?
open your eyes.
open my eyes.
blurry but always trying to see more clearly.
watch.
listen.
observe.
does anybody really listen anyway?
create.
create.
create.
“what sets you on fire???”
my day.
ma journee.
at a glance.
2020.
2021.
2018.
1981.
random years in a random life.
“what are you going to be when you grow up?”
GROW UP!!!
GROW UP!!!
GROW UP!!!
“WHY DID YOU DO THAT??? WHY DID YOU DO THAT??? WHY DID YOU COME SO FAST???”
“i’m sorry.”
i opened the door and then got out of the old man’s car. i thanked him for molesting me and said “bye”.
WHY?
why?
WhY?
bye.
notanotherphony. 