after a consistent and never ending break I am back to my struggle and back to my thoughts. thoughts and struggles always around. always close. always getting in the way of extreme joy and extreme relaxation. the world is changing and I am aging. I was once thirty-six and now I am fifty-four. I am back on my meds and back into my books. I am still trying to find the secret to letting adhd work for me instead of allowing it to debilitate me. many don’t believe adhd to be a “thing”. they, obviously, don’t have it. the struggle is real. the lack of empathy is also real. i am now back on Concerta, once again, after a few months off. a few months of scattered thoughts. impulsive actions. cancelled appointments. messy rooms. lack of sleep. lack of structure. lack of confidence. lack of progression. the struggle is real, once again. once again, the struggle is real. “there is no such thing as adhd,” they say. but “they” have never had it. I wish “they” could experience it for one week. one month. one year. not fifty-four years. forty of those years undiagnosed. professionals not really being professionals. the wrong people always in positions of power. positions of authority. talentless “yes” people moving up the ladder but moving up with zero to offer. they will die. we will all die. some die unfulfilled. many die lost and alone. a lifetime of chasing the wrong things in the wrong country with the wrong people. where are the real artists…real artists…WHERE ARE YOU????
my mind is clear today. but who knows about tomorrow. time to get as much done as possible today for tomorrow brings a new day and a new mind. a new sense of hope coupled with a headache and a crippling memory. JUST DO IT. everyone says, “JUST DO IT.”
driving into the city all week and the drivers have gone mad. they have gone bad. they are undeniably sad. five am commutes filled with busy roads and manic drivers. fast. slow. riding each others “ass”. all in a rush to get to their shitty jobs with somewhat shitty pay. why? is there nothing else out there? are you not worried about killing someone? killing yourself? smashing your car? what is the rush? why are you always rushing? why are you so impatient. everyday another accident. everyday NOT a single lesson learned. peasants. maggots. rats. rodents. the city is filled with them. the province is filled with them. the country is filled with them. the world is filled with them. what is life for? what is your purpose? what are your passions? how old would you like to live until? do you have family? do you have friends? has everyone become so frustrated with the world that they have all become so selfish. drive. drive. drive. in. out. in. out. brake. accelerate. fools looking around me to see all the other cars ahead of me. “FUCK FACE, YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANYWHERE FAST!!! RELAX AND LISTEN TO DRAKE YOU WORM!!!! where have all the real people gone? bad music. bad movies. bad culture. celebrity worshippers worshipping celebrities that offer the world nothing. why follow them? what is so dull about your life that you feel the need to follow a narcisstic bore?
and now I am bored. bored with writing. bored with reading. bored with my day. everything boring. lacking excitement. lacking purpose. lacking structure. it is now 2:44pm. i want a coffee. i want to fuck. i want to run. i want to act. i want to travel. i want to play hockey. i still remember my first team. The Flemingdon Kings. I loved playing hockey.
notanotherphony. 