day two and three of Concerta and my new commitment to figuring out how to live with adhd. very little help from Bell and it’s “let’s talk” campaign. very little help from our government. very little help from my psychotherapists. very little help from anyone. it is such a frustrating and misunderstood disorder that many don’t know how to help. left to my thoughts, shame, and lack of structure I meander through life hoping for a miracle but settling for ten km runs and drinking wine while listening to good music. today is a new day and, although, my head is buzzing a little bit I feel that today is a good day. had a great long walk with Murphy and his friends in the back trails and now I am quickly writing a note before I forget and before I throw on my running clothes to go running in the back trails before I get changed and go down to my Father In Laws for a Thanksgiving Dinner. company is always better for me than being alone. being alone I accomplish very little. i look at my phone. i look at Youtube. i read five different books. i drink coffee. i jerk off. i wash clothes. i do the dishes and then I may mow the lawn. lots of busyness but not much accomplished. grateful for great friends. and grateful for a great family. even when my family and I struggle I know that we love each other. love is so vital for me. love is so vital for everyone. imagine growing up not feeling loved? how sad. how can people be so cruel to their own children? life is so short. live with love if possible. i forget that sometimes. another problem with my adhd. i get so fixated on fixing myself that I forget about my loved ones and I forget that they need me as much as I need them. not need in a needy way but need in a loving and understanding way. adhd is cruel if left alone and untreated but can be such a blessing and a gift if treated properly and treated with love and understanding from people who love and understand you. love and understand me. but this is not easy. it is not easy for me to always understand and love. do we ever really know what is going on with someone else? why are we always so quick to judge? why are we always so quick to attack? why are we always so quick to talk? sit and listen. sit and listen. please sit and listen and listen with love. love. love. love. i just want to love and be loved. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. as a fifty-four year old man with adhd I still don’t know what Thanksgiving is about. I am not joking. I am serious. I don’t know many things about our history and about hanging up paintings or building a deck. I never really cared about those things as a kid. I never had a Dad to teach me basic life skills. I also had adhd and a Mom who loved me very much but who was also in pain from the death of her husband. I had great friends. i always had great friends. i still do. i am not a great friend though. i miss events. i miss birthdays. i miss parties. i agree to things then back out last minute. i am never really there for them but they have always stuck by me. everyone has always stuck by me. I am sooooooo grateful for that. there is that love thing again. unconditional love is real, I guess. I grew up thinking that it wasn’t and that I had to do something great to get love. to get approval. this lead me down some sideways paths with sideways people. waking up in people’s houses I didn’t know and waking up with girl’s I didn’t like. didn’t love. didn’t listen. didn’t respect. but I didn’t respect myself and if you don’t respect yourself how can you respect other’s? those days were fun but amidst the fun was lots of chaos. lots of pain. lots of shame. lots of going insane. and then sitting alone in a dark jail cell wondering what happened to my entitled life? entitled life? entitled life? i have always wondered why my life was entitled?
and now I sit alone in my upstairs bedroom that I pretend is an office but with no job that needs an office and I write, listen to great music, drink a coffee, pop an Omega 3-6-9, pop some Zoloft, pop some Concerta, and sweat. i am always hot. why am I always hot? always on FIRE. FIRE. FIRE. FIRE.
CREATE.
TRUE SELF?
AUTHENTIC SELF?
WHO AM i?
ADHD.
why did it take ten different psychotherapists and over forty years to get a proper diagnosis of ADHD?
adhd…such a frustrating disorder.
but I am on fire and grateful to great friends. great family.
love.
love.
LOVE.
notanotherphony. 