is there a cure?

i’m tired today. tired and hot. my eyes are groggy. i went for an early morning walk with my dog in the steady rain and it felt great. i always feel great in nature. i always feel great exercising. i always feel great out in the elements. rain or shine I love being outside. i am relentlessly bored and relentlessly restless at home. tv shows don’t cut it for me. movies can, at times, keep me focused. make me feel. make me love. but only good movies with deep stories. stories of loss and pain. i feel more human after watching a movie with those themes. it is hard for me to stay still for the two hours necessary to watch a film though. i would rather be doing. rather be moving. rather be living. rather be connecting. my head is buzzing a little today. my focus is not quite there. my structure eludes me. always eludes me. i need an adhd coach who can hold me accountable. i also need one to help me figure out what I want to do with my life. i am fifty-four and still searching for my purpose. still searching for my passion. the time is now but the time was now before now too. the times is always now and yet I am always in the now trying to figure out what I want to do in the now. what seems like a simple task is monumental for me. get a dayplanner and write out my goals. write out my plan. write out my appts. write everything down. hour to hour. simple. and yet I sit here with scattered notebooks and a scattered brain. eyes still foggy and tired. terrible sleep last night. very rarely a good sleep. I spoke with my doctor today who said that there are many clinics who focus on adhd but in her experience they are all run just like a business. money more than care. i am sure there is both but doesn’t anyone offer great work at lesser pricing for those in need? mental health awareness is great but if the help is too costly then it becomes irrelevant that everyone is talking. right Bell? my fight is with our system for mental health. someone else’s fight is racism. someone else’s fight is sexism. someone else’s fight is poverty. there are many fights and many battles out there. which one do you focus on? too many battles and not enough time. such is life. an acceptance of that can help but it also can hurt. it can hurt to know that there are so many people struggling out there and very few resources to help them. we are all not equal. everyone is born into a different plight. everyone is physiologically different. why do we always insist that we are all equal. we are all human beings that deserve love and acceptance but we are all NOT equal.

i need to eat lunch.

i need to eat healthier.

i need to sleep better.

i need to find more enjoyment.

i need to find more excitement.

i need to travel more.

i need to write more.

i need to listen more.