i miss you.

I attended a funeral yesterday for a, once, vibrant woman with vibrant dreams and a vibrant smile. she was loved by many and she, herself, loved many. i hadn’t seen her in two years. my fault. not hers. Covid causing so many problems and some of these problems still lingering around. lack of impetus to get out and visit friends. visit family. connect. discuss. communicate. love. the funeral was such a celebration of life but it was SAD. funerals are always sad. witnessing the devastation of finality. the devastation of a love lost. a life lost. “gone to a better place?” there is nothing better than LIFE ITSELF. right here in the now. LOVE.

LOVE.

LOVE.

LOVE.

so many great speeches. so sad. so real. so vulnerable. real life and real love.

human connection at it’s finest. people from all walks of life there. different ethnicities. different genders. different sizes. different ages. different goals. different dreams. different political opinions. different religions. different socio-economic statuses. BUT…there was LOVE FOR ALL. tears. beautiful stories. beautiful people. LOSS. devastating loss. life can be so cruel but it never promised anything to anyone. life goes on. life always goes on until one day it doesn’t and then you are gone. hopefully not forgotten. HOW CAN SOMEONE WITH SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE AND SO MUCH LOVE TO RECEIVE GET SICK SO FAST AND DIE???

family is so important and in the chaos of life we, sometimes, forget. we were all little babies with young parents and wide open eyes and an even wider open heart. love for all. love piercing at you with big blue eyes or big brown eyes. holding on tightly and never wanting to let go. the days pass and we begin to let go. we begin to harden. time hardens many BUT CHOOSE NOT TO HARDEN. LIFE IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH WITHOUT BEING HARDENED AND WITHOUT BEING BITTER!!!

always choose love. I am dying a slow death but one day I may be gone as quickly as my friend went or as quickly as my Dad went. the church was filled with love and filled with tears and, selfishly, I will never forget that. perhaps fractured families with fractured stories and fractured egos finally letting go and re-connecting for good. re-connecting with openness and understanding. why do we try to change people? love people for who they are. I am sick and I am tired of trying to change to serve people’s ideas of what I should be. what we should be.

be me.

be free.

I LOVE MORE THAN MOST.

I FEEL MORE THAN MOST.

I MAKE LESS MONEY AND HAVE LESS DIRECTION BUT MORE FIRE AND MORE PASSION.

but that shouldn’t matter.

does it matter if someone likes Trump or Trudeau or Ford or God or Jesus or Buddha?

i want to meet people who have different opinions and different lives. none of it matters in the end. we all die with tears shed and families devastated. wonder. confused. sorrow. JUST CRY. LET IT OUT MOM. YOU WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER. LET GO AND GET OUT OF YOUR SHELL. BREAK DOWN YOUR BRICK WALL.

love.

love.

love.

please love again.

life is much too short to hold grudges and to hold in anger. hold in thoughts. hold in tears.

keep your eyes open but, more importantly, keep your heart open.

go to bed loving.

go to bed with a smile.

go to bed with loving thoughts and know that each day wasted is another day you can’t get back. another day closer to death and closer to unresolved relationships.

i love you Dad.

i miss your beaming smile and your vibrant energy.

i miss playing soccer with you.

i miss playing road hockey with you.

i miss watching sports with you.

but most of all I miss sitting on you.

i miss YOU.

funerals are sad but I am grateful for everyone who opens up their hearts and opens up their arms for the surviving and grieving family members.

i wish we could always be so open and so loving.