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Jack Tait just woke up from a twenty-three day nap and he is both horny and alive.  he wanted to both connect with the world and conquer it.  poor Jack is a walking contradiction.  a big dick with only one ball.  he is both happy and sad.  tired and wired.  Jack Tait is a man of truth.  a man among pussies.  we lost men to the pansification of society years ago and Jack doesn’t see it coming back.  back to the good old days.  days when men were men and women were women.  not an objectification of women.  not a degradation of women.  just an understanding of women.  men are now weak and meek.  Jack sees the tattoos and laughs.  geeks pretending to be cool.  “TATS ARE FOR SUBURBANITES,” Jack screams.  he then plucks sixteen nose hairs from his nose and reads Bukowski’s, Women.  His one ball sitting lonely and sad on the dirty ground.  it is cold and clear.  Jack fucked a girl last night but he forgets her name and she left soon after.  girls have needs too.  Jack wants to connect with people but people judge too much and thus Jack is alone.
  Jack talks to the rabbit beside him but the rabbit doesn’t respond.  he has been reading many “self help” books lately and is prepared to not be scared.  he knows that at sixty life is coming to an end.  “sixty is the new forty” people say but Jack doesn’t buy it.  he wants to listen to sad songs and drink wine while looking at pictures of old loved ones who died in World War Three.  “why do people hurt other people Jesus?  Jack fell back asleep and dreamt of beautiful people and beautiful trees.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”  Jack Tait screamed as he ran out of his rundown farmhouse out in the middle of nowhere.  it was bright.  it was sunny.  but it was damn fucking cold.  Jack Tait was naked.  his one sagging ball bleeding profusely.  following right behind him was an angry ugly pitbull with no teeth.  “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLP!!!”  Jack screamed but no one answered.  they never do so Jack continued to run.  the angry ugly pitbull fast approaching.  Jack looked to the lord above but he saw Hitler instead.  “HEIL!!!”  Hitler said.  “FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING LITTLE MOUSTACHED MAGGOT.  I WILL HEIL HITLER YOU RIGHT BACK TO FUCKING AUSCHWITZ WHERE YOU BELONG YOU SAD SACK OF SHIT!!!”  Hitler continued screaming something with passion but Jack didn’t understand him so he continued to run.  pitbull still chasing him.  Jack knew that he shouldn’t have listened to Mahmoud Singh at the steamroom.  he knew that one ball was better than none but Singh was persistent so Jack tried to cut off his second ball.  he missed and hit his jugular vein on his scrotum.  blood everywhere.  this woke up the rabid pitbull who in turn woke up Hitler.  Hitler would have attacked Singh due to his race and colour but Jack Tait is a man of sheer integrity and he protected Mr. Singh.  He once tried to rip off his teacher’s turban back in summer school in 1945 but that was back when Jack had two functioning balls and a huge penis that he used to fuck many girls with.  Jack was a dick back then.  cocky.  now he is a one nutted good Samaritan.  people judge Jack but he does not mind.  he knows who he is and what he is capable of doing.  he no longer has the stamina to fuck all night and prefers to blow his load in thirteen thrusts.  he then fingers his female companion until she has an orgasm…fake or real.
  Jack runs and runs and runs some more.  pitbull is relentless.  it’s ugly tongue dangling from it’s ugly mouth.  and ugly jaw.  lock jaw.
  Jack wishes he had his blue tricycle but Hitler stole it last night and rode down to Harlem to deliver a speech.  Jack falls down and cries in pain.  “DADDY…DADDY…DADDY…PLEASE COME HOME.  PLEASE COME HOME.  WE ALL LOVE YOU.  WE ALL MISS YOU.  YOU ARE THE GREATEST AND YOU DIED TOO SOON.”
  Jack looked up and the ugly looking pitbull stood in front of him.  staring contest.  this lasted for three hours.  Jack shit his pants twice.  no toilet paper.  Jack was told to never look a pitbull in the eye but he never listened to THEM.  THEY WERE ALWAYS WRONG.
  Jack Tait fell to the ground.  tired.  dead.  dead tired.  the pitbull locked it’s jaw on Jack’s neck but the pitbull didn’t have any teeth so Jack laughed.  and laughed.  and laughed.  and laughed.  and laughed.  he looked to the sky and saw Hitler laughing too.  WHAT A FUCKING FRENETIC BASTARD HITLER WAS.  FUCK HIM AND GOEBBELS.  FUCKING NAZI’S!!!
 

Jack Tait ended his two month yoga retreat and looked down at his crotch and realized he still had one ball.  it had grown some but shrivelled lots.  there were little grey hairs attempting to cover the wrinkles on his one ball but the little grey hairs did not do a good job.  Jack Tait felt better and more alive than he had before he went to the yoga retreat.  he also felt more connected to the earth.  while at the yoga retreat Jack Tait snuck off and smoked crack with some Somali’s from Ethiopia but he was insistent that nobody film him because he had promised his YOGI that he would not do drugs while on the retreat.  Jack Tait is a man of his word but sometimes forces beyond himself force him to do things that he otherwise would not do.  Jack Tait was a new man.
  Jack Tait hopped on his blue tricycle and began the long journey back to his tiny little deserted farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.  he knew that it was going to be a long trip so he pounded back a forty of “Jack” and began pedalling.  he looked up to the skies above and saw a picture of Hitler in the clouds.  Jack shrugged this off and continued pedalling.  Jack decided long ago that his brain was fried from many years of taking uppers and downers and smoking weed and snorting blow and pounding back forties of “Jack”.  Jack is a realist and not another phony.  even though his ride was quiet he still could hear the usual dumb assholes yelling and screaming about nothing.  Jack never could figure out why there were so many dull dumb boring people in this world doing nothing but following the teacher’s manual and reciting old washed up motivational speakers from the forties.  “why follow assholes from the forties?” Jack thought.  “Follow me and ye shall be saved!!!”  NOBODY LISTENED.
  Jack pulled over to the side of the long winding road to take a leak but jerked off instead.  Jack had not masturbated for two months and he was horny.  his one ball jumped up and down while his throbbing fourteen inch penis was being attacked.  Jack blew his load in thirteen seconds and hopped back on his tricycle.  two worms were now sitting on Jack’s seat.  Jack said “HI” and gently put the worms back on the ground.  Jack wondered why he hadn’t taken a shit for sixty days but he figured that this had something to do with Yoga.
  Jack continued his descent back down into the real world.  a world filled with maggots and baggotts and laggotts and waggotts.  he had a big smile on his face.  he also had a big beard and a big ball.  small penis now.  it was once big…ten minutes ago…but once his load was blown it shrunk.  Jack didn’t give a flying fuck.  he finished his yoga retreat and he was a free man.
  Jack took a big deep breath and looked at his hand and saw the many wrinkles and non connecting lines and wondered just where life had gone.  his Dad was no longer on earth.  either was his Mom.  his friends had long passed away and his few girlfriends were now with corporate monsters.  he thought about the good old days when he played hockey and soccer and went swimming in the pond and then he thought of the bad old days when his Dad died and his Mom left and his Nana died and his friend was murdered and he stopped pedalling.  Jack Tait took a HUGE deep breath and began to cry.  and cry.  and cry.  and cry.  and cry….”WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY…WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY…WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???”
  LIFE IS CRUEL…and fun…and happy…and sad…Jack Tait put his bike on the ground and lay down on the dirt road.  he will never see his Mom or Dad or best friend ever again.

I drink my coffee and observe.  I watch.  I listen.  I drink my wine and observe.  I read.  I learn.  I look at silly pictures and even sillier “self help” quotes and am amazed at how dumb our society is.  “was it always this stupid???”  I look outside at our pool and it is filled with leather skinned phonies.  uninteresting and dull.  dumb I can take…boring is a sin.  I listen to people defend shit movies.  shit shows.  shit people.  shit sports teams.  do people read anymore???  and “NO” fifty shades of sperm doesn’t count.  I read various articles about Fat Ford smoking crack but then I read other articles about Obama being a war criminal.  I read that the late Jack Layton was abusing our system but then other intelligent people defend him.  Intelligent people defend Rob Ford too.  I read right wing propaganda as well as left wing propaganda and constantly ask myself, “WHY THE FUCK DO I BOTHER???”  bullshitters everywhere.  phonies everywhere.  some real people are afraid to meet other real people because they have been burned by the phony too many times.  I watch dancing with the stars and ask myself, “WHY?”  another day closer to death and still in the same position.  I see complacency ruining our society but most do not care.  bills.  expenses.  zits.  bad drivers.  murders.  car accidents.  telemarketers.  cancers.  fear.  selfishness.  dull.  mundane.  boring.  rule oriented.  driven by boring rules and boring people making those boring rules.  BOREDOM HAS TAKEN OVER.  unleash the fire.  unleash the soul.  unleash the passion.  DO NOT LISTEN TO THE PANSIES AND PARROTS.  HEART AND SOUL ARE MOST IMPORTANT IN A WORLD FILLED WITH SHIT.  I WILL CONTINUE TO DO THE NOBLE THING AND LET YOU PHONIES CONTINUE TO LIVE YOUR BORING LIVES BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES INVITE ME OUT FOR A COFFEE BECAUSE I WILL HAVE TO LIE AND I DO NOT WANT TO LIE.  BORE YOUR OWN FRIENDS WHO ARE ALREADY BORING.  DO NOT BORE ME.  on a side note…I would love to change the dummies of our world but they do not want to grow so FUCK THEM.
  goodnight.

i woke up with a pounding head and immediately jerked off.  blew my load into my left hand and then transported into my right and flushed it down the sink.  still had a pounding head.  i grabbed my hunk of shit blackberry and took a “selfie” of me standing naked but sucking in my cheeks to make the illusion that i was a model.  i am not.  i am real though.  i then looked at my bank account and saw forty one dollars.  i grabbed a beer and sat down on the couch.  jerked off once more.  then i did a facebook post telling everyone how great i am because everyone really cares.  after that i ate an egg but before i ate that little brown egg i took a picture of it and then posted it on my facebook wall.  head still pounding.  i took an advil and then had two coffees.  i took a big sloppy yellowy brown shit and used a whole roll of toilet paper to wipe my ass.  before flushing i took a picture of it and posted it on my facebook wall.  i then flushed the toilet but it flooded.  yellowy brown shit and water mixed in with toilet paper all over the floor.  another quick pic and then posted it on my facebook wall.  i checked my messages on my shitty blackberry and there weren’t any.  i tossed a whole pile of cold water on my face and then looked in the mirror.  i looked like shit and felt even worse so i went onto my facebook wall and proclaimed how happy and beautiful i am.  i also told everyone how talented i am and how much money i have but it’s really my mom’s and dad’s money as deep down i am a useless human being.  i posted a picture of the dirty lake and posted it on facebook telling everyone that i am living in a penthouse suite in a really ritzy building.  it is actually a hunk of shit building filled with dope dealers and pitbulls and noisy assholes and dog shit everywhere but i want everyone to love me.  even if the love is phony.  i am phony but i am not even sure if i know that i am phony because all of my friends are phony and i have never had to live a real life in my whole life.  life is fun and games.  until i get old and then it is filled with depression and anger and sadness but i am too dumb to think that far ahead.  i have only read one book in my life and that is 50 shades of grey.  i jerked off for the third or fourth time and then posted a pic of my semen.  it was white and gooey.  i then went out for a phony lunch with phony friends at a phony eatery that serves miniscule portions but charges astronomical prices.  i post all of the wonderul pictures immediately on my facebook wall and get a whole pile of phony assholes to hit like and tell me how handsome or pretty i am.  i have never seen a real movie filled with real emotions and therefore i cry when i watch titanic.  “is that a true story?”  i search for shitty tv shows to hide from my shitty life but decide to take another “selfie.”  i go to my closet and put on my most beautiful dress or suit and suck in my cheeks again and take another “selfie” and then have a shower.  i also sip some champagne.  i know it tastes like a dog’s ass but i have seen p diddy drink it so i know it is cool.  i take a pic of my champagne glass and post it on my wall.  WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO BEFORE FACEBOOK???
  I “make love” and pretend it is good and then i immediately have a shower because i need to look pretty.  who am i and why am i writing this?  i search through cosmo and other useless magazines and see all of the hot celebrities and wish i could hang out with paris hilton.  “OMG I WOULD JUST DIE IF I COULD SPEND ONE NIGHT WITH KIM KARDASHIAN!!!”
  i grab a humongous bottle of wine and chug it down and thank the lord winifred nelson that i am real in a world filled with phonies.  good night.