notanotherphony.

great sleep. no booze the night before. interrupted sleep but no booze was key. less booze equals more production. limit my alcohol intake without limiting my fun. clearheaded and ready to enjoy the day. bring joy to people’s lives. what makes me tick? what sets Rylee on fire? what sets Nicole on fire? stop being afraid. stop hiding. embrace discomfort. be vulnerable. be alive. be free. be curious. always be curious.

LIVE MY BEST LIFE.

LIVE LIFE TO IT’S FULLEST.

CREATE AND LOVE.

made it through another long and passionless work week.

another week off of my life.

another week closer to death.

another week closer to old age.

old.

wrinkled.

hopeless.

hopelessly waiting to die.

hopeless life.

hopeless death.

the weekend has arrived and I still have no money to enjoy it.

working 60 hours a week but still no savings.

still no life.

still getting pestered by pests wanting money.

money and bills and speeding tickets and time.

people wanting and wanting and wanting.

LIFE.

LIFE AT IT’S WORST.

the sun is out and so are the mosquitoes and black flies.

i am old and bald and wrinkly and have sunburnt skin and no hair and no job and zits and mosquito bites. what a great hand i was dealt.

the power of positivity telling me that, at least, i am alive and should be more grateful.

GOD…I THANK THEE.

rows and rows of dull houses that cost little to build but are now worth millions. a society that is always selling. selling shit that peasants consume.

boston pizza.

pizza pizza.

mcdonald’s

taco bell.

kentucky fried foreskin.

why do we buy shit?

consuming shitty product and eating shitty foods.

what is wrong with us?

what is wrong with us?

what is wrong with us?

what is wrong with society?

MONEY.

MONEY.

MONEY.

the real artists are poor and the manufactured artists with massive marketing funds and massive egos are rich.

the real artists offering real hearts and real souls but needing secondary sources of income to survive in this artless world.

CAPITALISM + CORPORATISM = THE RICH CONTINUE TO GET RICHER AT THE EXPENSE OF THE POOR.

another long day at work. soooo tired. soooo sore. throat scratchy. eyes blurry. glasses on. glasses off. glasses on. glasses off. sore throat. scratchy throat. no booze tonight. need one day off. maybe i’ll feel better tomorrow. no booze. no run. no shit. no fuck. no money. no hope? no fun. gratitude?

now i understand HUMP DAY. eight. nine. ten. eleven. twelve hours a day in a shitty job for shitty pay. stuck in brutal traffic. eating shitty fast food. no exercise. no life. no friends. no fun. no excitement. lost in life. lost in misery. lost in surrender. surrendering to a fake god. a fake dad. a fake life. a fake boss. a fake premier. a fake prime minister. the daily grind in a dull life. retirement party? why? wasting week after week and year after year in a job that you hate for a boss that doesn’t even know you. nor care for you.

HAPPY HUMP DAY.

TGIF.

fucking life.

fucking rules.

fucking religions.

fucking bosses.

fucking leaders.

how do you get out of hell?

how do you have a positive mindset?

how do you get a good job?

how do you make good connections?

how do you get help?

down and troubled and needing love. needing care.

every single part of my body is sore.

every single part of my body is tired.

AM I SICK?

AM I TIRED?

AM I SICK AND TIRED?

depressed?

truthful?

bipolar?

normal?

living someone else’s life?

alive and dead.

alive and kicking.

wanted dead or alive.

focus on what brings me joy.

tired.

tired.

tired.

how are you supposed to live a vibrant life when you are always tired and always beaten up? always tired and always beaten down?

BED.

time for bed. up at 6am to start the process all over again.

the american dream?

i really don’t want to write but i promised myself that i would write daily and even though i am drunk and tired i will still write. i am drunk. i am tired. i am burnt. i am sore. sore legs and a sore mind. too much thinking and too much working. working long days and working too much. i need to run and i need to write. create and connect.

i had a physical today.

i was the right weight for my height. while i sat in the room at my doctor’s office i looked outside from the 6th floor and saw many people below.

hand still tired.

hand still sore.

I WANT TO GET DRUNK AND I WANT TO CONVERSE.

i looked out the window and saw so many old people in wheelchairs and walkers and needing assistance.

OLD AGE.

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

my left heel hurts and my right knee hurts.

aches and pains.

ticks and tocks.

does anyone care?

are we all crazy?

what do we want?

what do we do?

money.

money and act.

the art of money.

soooo tired.

soooo broke.

soooo lost.

soooooo found.

lost and found and tired eyes and a BIG HEART.

tears. tears. and more tears. saying goodbye to Rylee was so tough. so much love. so much life. so much promise. Rylee is one of the most amazing human beings I have ever met. she has endured so much in her short life and, yet, she continues to amaze. continues to love. continues to care. continues to surprise. she has so much promise and I don’t even think she realizes it.

we spent two fun filled days in Whistler with an old friend of mine before embarking on our trip down to Vancouver to move Rylee into school. lots of laughs filled the car. lots of singing. lots of funny stories. lots of hidden sadness as we all knew that the time to say goodbye was nearing closer and closer. As, I am sure, many Dad’s before me, I felt thoughts of guilt. thoughts of pain. thoughts of lost time and lost connection. I wished I spent more time connecting with Rylee. I wished I had more fun with Rylee. I wished I had more trips and more adventures. And I wished we could go back and start again. start fresh. but we can’t. that is on me and I fully accept it and feel it.

we ate some lunch and then arrived at the beautiful UBC in Vancouver. loads of young adults with their nervously excited parents beside them. lots of smiles. lots of positivity. lots of sunshine. lots of love.

LOVE.

LOVE.

LOVE.

such an amazing experience.

we picked up Rylee’s school package and drove to her residence. we unloaded her bags and two young volunteers helped us carry Rylee’s bags up to her room. all the names of the girls were on each room door and we spotted Rylee’s name halfway down the hall. we opened the door and entered her room. her room was cute. small. lots of storage though. she was on the second floor. she met some of the other girls on her floor and they all seemed nice. they all seemed excited. such positivity in the air.

Nicole was in charge of setting up Rylee’s room. i was told to keep out of the way but not in a rude way. more in a practical kind of way. it seemed to work as the process flowed smoothly. almost too smoothly as that meant we were closer and closer to saying goodbye. I looked at Rylee with such a sense of pride. such a sense of joy. such a sense of love. such a beautiful, young, smart, empathetic, caring woman. she was glowing. i was soooo proud of her and, yet, I had this sense of extreme loss. such mixed emotions but it felt good to have emotions again. to feel again. in our never ending search for money and search for joy we, sometimes, forget to feel. humanity, in my opinion, is a much more important quality than joy or being wealthy or talented or strong. simple humanity and we were in the middle of the most important human event in our family’s seventeen years together and I felt it. as did Nicole and Rylee. but we all held it in. we all tried to be strong. tried to be stoic. and then it was time to say our final goodbye’s and we all bawled in unison. tears of love. tears of loss. tears of remembered memories and tears of new beginnings and tears of the ending of a chapter. we all hugged and all felt REAL LOVE. REAL FAMILY LOVE. such an amazingly happy and sad moment that I will never forget even when I am old and senile.

we all recovered a few minutes later and then we all laughed and told more stories and held each other tightly. it was time to go. Rylee was meeting one of her new friends in a different dorm. we all walked out together and watched Rylee walk away. so happy. so confident. so beautiful. so young. so smart. so pretty and so human. i miss her so much and it has only been two days since I last saw her.

i know that it will get easier.

i know that time flies (too fast).

i know that “this too shall pass.”

But I don’t want my feelings of love to pass. I am, often, moving too fast. chasing too many jobs and too many parties and reading too many books. this event. this milestone. this feeling. this moment was such a lesson for me.

LOVE.

LOVE.

LOVE.

open up my heart and take people in. love them with all that I have. life is too precious to waste sitting in anger and negativity.

listen.

love.

feel.

WE ARE SOOOOOO PROUD OF RYLEE.

WE MISS HER LIKE CRAZY.

WE LOVE HER LIKE CRAZY.

SUCH A POWERFUL EXPERIENCE OF LOVE.

WHAT A LESSON.

WHAT A LIFE.

WHAT A YOUNG WOMAN.

LOVE.

Rylee…we love you.