notanotherphony.

seven days in LA and I am HOT. i am sweaty. i am edgy. shaky. nervous. shaky hands. foggy mind. lost and restless. restless and lost. too much sun. too much wine. too much driving. too much pondering. miss being home. miss Taylor. miss Sarah. miss Murphy. miss some sense of routine. miss some peace. miss some quiet. miss my running. miss working. miss my bed. miss my morning coffee. miss saying GOODNIGHT to Taylor. miss saying GOODNIGHT to Sarah. miss Murphy sleeping up against me. my skin is tingling. my confidence is waning. constantly trying to figure out life. constantly trying to figure out a better way. a better way to live. a better way to make money. a better way to parent. a better way to act. a better way to LOVE. i am tired. i am lonely. i am homesick. whenever I visit the US I feel less worthy. less confident. less successful. i see confident people leading confident lives while I still live paycheque to paycheque. when will the struggle end?

need to get back to the drawing board. always need to get back to the drawing board. need my routine. need my family. need my daily runs. daily hikes. daily meditation. daily goals. daily reading. daily writing. daily practice. daily INSPIRATION.

INSPIRE.

WHAT SETS ME ON FIRE?

100KM RUN?

MARATHON?

PUSH MYSELF.

the sun drains me. too hot. too sweaty.

am i on the right meds?

can anyone help?

LIFE COACH?

HELP.

HELP ME FOCUS.

HELP ME COMMIT.

HELP ME FINISH.

HELP ME FOLLOW THROUGH.

HELP ME BE GROUNDED.

HELP ME.

HELP ME.

HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!

55 becomes 60.

60 becomes 70.

70 becomes 80.

80 becomes 90.

time moves too quickly.

loved ones lost.

lost loved ones and lost hugs.

lost hopes and lost dreams.

lost balls and lost minds.

lord are you there?

do I ask you for help even though I don’t believe you are real?

what are my convictions?

what do I stand for?

what would I fight for?

i love seeing love.

i love seeing happy people.

i love seeing people in love.

i want to be a positive influence on our family.

i no longer want us all to struggle.

i am sick of the struggle.

i am sick of the uncertainty.

i am sick of the lack of positive influence on Taylor.

I WANT TO BE A REAL DAD.

I WANT TO HAVE MY DAUGHTER RESPECT ME.

I WANT RESPECT BUT I MUST, FIRST, RESPECT MYSELF.

DO IT.

DON’T WAIT.

LIFE COACH, “DON’T WRITE ANOTHER THING UNTIL YOU HAVE PUBLISHED ALL OF YOUR CURRENT WORK.”

listen to him.

heed his advice.

has our world become phonier?

are all these fake people in fake cars successful?

CONSISTENCY.

LET GO OF FEAR.

JUST DO IT.

TRUST MYSELF.

TRUST ME.

i am worthy?

why have I lacked confidence all my life?

how can I fix this?

ACTION.

ACTION.

ACTION.

NOTANOTHERPHONY.

PURPOSE.

stomach sore. senokot’s not the best solution. mind is busy. humming old songs. dog at my feet. dog is always at my feet or on my leg. loving dog. busy dog. too many pills may be causing constipation. never ending supply of solutions but most don’t work. probably capitalism and it’s lies and deception. fucking snakes everywhere. constantly fighting the snakes and constantly fighting the dumb rules and dumb politicians. authoritarian figures thinking they are too important. too smart. too powerful. the wrong people always in charge. a consistent cycle of shitty leaders keeping the system consistent.

consistently bad.

consistently dull.

consistently sick.

sick leaders. sick system. sick rules. sick economy. sick culture. sick shows. sick books. sick music. sick people.

WE ARE A SICK SOCIETY.

SICK AND LOST.

LOST AND DUMB.

BLIND AND LAZY.

and then our lives come to an end.

NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT ME.

NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT ANYBODY.

stomach bubbling. morning coffee and morning reading. need to take a BIG SHIT and clear out my system. clean out the system. tired but awake.

WRITE.

WRITE.

WRITE.

CREATE.

CREATE.

CREATE.

nobody really helps.

must do it on my own.

FUCK EVERYONE.

life does not slow down. figure it out. simplify life. always simplify life.

WHAT SETS ME ON FIRE?

WHAT SETS ME ON FIRE?

WHAT SETS ME ON FIRE?

need some money.

want to travel.

want to explore.

hate dull towns with dull restaurants and dull people.

boring rule followers in shitty suits and clean faces.

LIFE IS ONE BIG CON JOB.

corporate cons.

political cons.

facebook cons.

ig cons.

product cons.

always be aware of the con.

fake and phony.

never saying anything from the heart.

dull opinions on a dull life.

champagne??? GROSS!!!

what will I get up to today?

gym – check.

dog walk – check.

WRITE?

notanotherphony?

create?

what is the resistance?

why don’t I go all in?

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY SO I SHOULD SAY IT!!!

FIGHT AND WRITE.

FUCK AND WRITE.

DRINK AND WRITE.

indeed is shit.

no money. no job. no leads. no prospects. no fun. no work. no play.

day after dreary day I reach out to agents and casting directors for work but “crickets”. day after day I apply for jobs. “crickets”. money lower than low. in overdraft. no food. no humanity. fifty-five years old and nobody wants me. lots of skill. lots of personality. lots of energy. lots of smarts.

NO JOB.

society is made for the youth. but the youth offer up nothing but big egos, big tits, big cars, big houses, and big mouths. no substance. no heart. no soul.

CRICKETS.

my daughter has more money than me at the moment. i need a job. i need confidence. i need help.

CRICKETS.

BELL LET’S TALK CAN FUCK OFF.

FUCK BIG CORPORATIONS AND BIG BOX STORES.

the sheep follow and the sheep shop. shopping sheep. sloppy sheep.

it is raining outside. raining and gloomy. my dog at my feet.

I NEED WORK.

I NEED A JOB.

in our constant need to push humanity away and bring in automated robots we use INDEED to apply for jobs. algorithms and faceless resumes. such a society of shit. peasants and maggots. movies are unwatchable. tv shows are shit. music is shit.

POP CULTURE IS SHIT.

FAKE FOLLOWERS AND FAKE PEOPLE.

FUCKING PATHETIC.

back from our trip to Vancouver. beautiful city. beautiful mountains. beautiful ocean. beautiful people. inspiring and full of energy. Rylee so happy to be there. Triggy happy too. why didn’t we move to Vancouver years ago? why do we live in a dull town with dull houses and dull people? why can’t we change? why can’t we grow? why can’t we make big decisions and big plans? get away from negativity and dullness. uninspiring people with uninspiring conversations. surround myself with passionate crazy artists. crazy people. NOT society type people who follow dull rules and eat dull food. drink dull beer and drive dull cars. dull houses and dull ideas.

GROW BALLS.

GROW CONFIDENCE.

GROW MINDSET.

GROW IDEAS.

GROW CONNECTIONS.

GROW BALLS.

BALLS.

BALLS.

BALLS.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY BALLS?

SHRINKING DAILY.

STOP THE FEAR.

STOP THE INSANITY.

FUCK EVERYONE AND DO LIFE MY WAY.

WHAT IS MY WAY?

WHAT IS MY VOICE?

WRITE.

WRITE.

WRITE.

fight the judgements.

FIGHT THE RESISTANCE.

FIGHT THE FEAR.

society is run by greedy snakes and dull sheep. the greedy snakes win because the dull sheep follow the rules that lead them to shitty jobs in shitty towns.

lack of money.

lack of fire.

lack of goals.

lack of hope.

take pills to survive their shitty lives. their shitty wives. wives. dives. lives. knives.

poverty stricken but still fighting. fighting their co-workers and fighting their facebook friends while doing nothing to fight the maggots than run the world. ruin the world.

MAGGOTS AND SNAKES.

GREEDY LIARS AND GREEDY FAKES.

sad and pathetic.

FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT.

FIGHT FOR TRUTH.

FIGHT FOR MYSELF.

FIGHT FOR MY FAMILY.

FUCK EVERYONE ELSE.