notanotherphony.

had a great sleep in the basement with my dog last night. Taylor upstairs sleeping in our bed. Triggy sleeping in Taylor’s bed. sleeping has always been “an event” in our lives. with our family. there is much worse one could focus on.

after more than a week away in LA I am very happy and very glad to be back home. back with my family. back in a dull town in Ontario. LA is too spread out for me. TOO HOT FOR ME. TOO BUSY FOR ME. busy highways. fast cars. fake people. fake stars. i prefer New York. i prefer Chicago. i prefer Vancouver. i prefer London. i prefer Toronto. i love travelling but I get homesick quickly and homesick often. i need more money and I need more family time. i need more hair and I need more confidence.

Now I sit outside on my back patio with Murphy beside me. drinking a coffee and feeling the crisp cooler air of Ontario. rows and rows of townhouses, all looking the same, are staring at me. rows of dull homes with dull people. low aspirations and low IQ’S. low hopes. low dreams. shitty beer. shitty trucks. shitty clothes. shitty interests. shitty hobbies. loud and uninteresting. the loudest are usually the richest and usually the dullest. chainsaws and lawn mowers. car alarms. loud mufflers. screaming kids. barking dogs. screaming moms and loud fireworks. suburban living at it’s finest.

The sun is beaming down upon my face but it is warm. NOT HOT. now a loud truck starts up with a loud muffler. gas prices soaring. food prices soaring. hopes and dreams fading. another truck off to work. loud and proud. and guzzling gas. the birds are chirping. bird feeders bringing in all the birds in the area to shit on our shitty cars and shitty lawns. my fingernails need to be trimmed. i need to take my first shower in three days. i can feel the salt water from the ocean stuck in my facial hair. stuck on my balding head. going up my red nose. i wish I was a dog. not always. just today.

long day at the beach. swam in the ocean. lots of waves. lots of girls. lots of guys. lots of kids. lots of sun. many different ethnicities all together and having fun. fun in the sun. i feel bad about not getting Triggy a gift but without lots of money, needless gifts that end up in the garbage is not in the cards. “It’s the thought that counts. Right?”

anyway, a wonderful end to a wonderful trip. a working trip but ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY!!!

i am now sitting at the airport waiting for my flight back home. still edgy. still sweaty. lots of beautiful people walking around but I don’t think that I am one of them. i have to really work hard to really be beautiful. maybe I need to work less and in working less I will feel more beautiful. i prefer to look dirty. I am “ME” when I am dirty. i thrive when I am dirty. being pretty doesn’t suit me. i am bald. i am old. i am wrinkly. i am poor. i am sweaty. i am edgy. my skin burns in the sun. my skin is sensitive. i am a sensitive dirty old man. i wonder if I am the poorest man in this airport? my face is pulsating. i am waiting. i am writing. i am thinking. i am seeing. seeing happy faces with happy smiles and happy families. i see an airport filled with joy. all ethnicities. all genders. why do people hurt each other? i see the greatness in our society and, yet, there is so much evil in our society as well. what causes this? economy? our system? our rules? our greed? our lack of love and lack of respect? why are some people sooooo angry? sooooo sad? soooo lost? i am farting. i feel sorry for the ones who will be seated beside me on the plane.

soooo many people in wheelchairs. i wonder what happened to them? many are alone. how sad. where is their family? where are their families? i need to take a shit before I go onto the plane. once i am on a plane i hate getting up. i like hiding in my seat. don’t move. don’t talk. don’t put my seat back. i am too nice. too polite. too caring. is that a fault in every culture? it seems to be a fault in North America. It shouldn’t be a fault.

many heavyset american men walking around in bright golf shirts and talking very loudly. BIG AND BOLD. i am skinny and edgy. fragile and confused. HEART. EMPATHY. CURIOUS. AWAKE. AWARE. INTELLIGENT. a curious and artistic heart. a curious and artistic soul. but with the curious heart and the artistic soul comes a lack of conviction. a lack of confidence.

OWN THAT.

OWN ME.

I attended a funeral yesterday for a, once, vibrant woman with vibrant dreams and a vibrant smile. she was loved by many and she, herself, loved many. i hadn’t seen her in two years. my fault. not hers. Covid causing so many problems and some of these problems still lingering around. lack of impetus to get out and visit friends. visit family. connect. discuss. communicate. love. the funeral was such a celebration of life but it was SAD. funerals are always sad. witnessing the devastation of finality. the devastation of a love lost. a life lost. “gone to a better place?” there is nothing better than LIFE ITSELF. right here in the now. LOVE.

LOVE.

LOVE.

LOVE.

so many great speeches. so sad. so real. so vulnerable. real life and real love.

human connection at it’s finest. people from all walks of life there. different ethnicities. different genders. different sizes. different ages. different goals. different dreams. different political opinions. different religions. different socio-economic statuses. BUT…there was LOVE FOR ALL. tears. beautiful stories. beautiful people. LOSS. devastating loss. life can be so cruel but it never promised anything to anyone. life goes on. life always goes on until one day it doesn’t and then you are gone. hopefully not forgotten. HOW CAN SOMEONE WITH SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE AND SO MUCH LOVE TO RECEIVE GET SICK SO FAST AND DIE???

family is so important and in the chaos of life we, sometimes, forget. we were all little babies with young parents and wide open eyes and an even wider open heart. love for all. love piercing at you with big blue eyes or big brown eyes. holding on tightly and never wanting to let go. the days pass and we begin to let go. we begin to harden. time hardens many BUT CHOOSE NOT TO HARDEN. LIFE IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH WITHOUT BEING HARDENED AND WITHOUT BEING BITTER!!!

always choose love. I am dying a slow death but one day I may be gone as quickly as my friend went or as quickly as my Dad went. the church was filled with love and filled with tears and, selfishly, I will never forget that. perhaps fractured families with fractured stories and fractured egos finally letting go and re-connecting for good. re-connecting with openness and understanding. why do we try to change people? love people for who they are. I am sick and I am tired of trying to change to serve people’s ideas of what I should be. what we should be.

be me.

be free.

I LOVE MORE THAN MOST.

I FEEL MORE THAN MOST.

I MAKE LESS MONEY AND HAVE LESS DIRECTION BUT MORE FIRE AND MORE PASSION.

but that shouldn’t matter.

does it matter if someone likes Trump or Trudeau or Ford or God or Jesus or Buddha?

i want to meet people who have different opinions and different lives. none of it matters in the end. we all die with tears shed and families devastated. wonder. confused. sorrow. JUST CRY. LET IT OUT MOM. YOU WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER. LET GO AND GET OUT OF YOUR SHELL. BREAK DOWN YOUR BRICK WALL.

love.

love.

love.

please love again.

life is much too short to hold grudges and to hold in anger. hold in thoughts. hold in tears.

keep your eyes open but, more importantly, keep your heart open.

go to bed loving.

go to bed with a smile.

go to bed with loving thoughts and know that each day wasted is another day you can’t get back. another day closer to death and closer to unresolved relationships.

i love you Dad.

i miss your beaming smile and your vibrant energy.

i miss playing soccer with you.

i miss playing road hockey with you.

i miss watching sports with you.

but most of all I miss sitting on you.

i miss YOU.

funerals are sad but I am grateful for everyone who opens up their hearts and opens up their arms for the surviving and grieving family members.

i wish we could always be so open and so loving.

last day in LA. feeling rejuvenated. looking forward to being home. being with my family. being with my friends. seven days away seems so short but it seemed so long. maybe it’s because I’m getting old. maybe it’s because it’s too hot here. maybe it’s because it is too sunny. maybe it’s because I miss my family. my body feels better than yesterday. less drinking last night. more sleep. more excitement to return home. more peaceful today. a little wind. my beard is growing back. i have more confidence with my beard. i feel more ballsy and more anti-societal. i am comfortable in that look. people tell me that I look ten years older with my beard but I feel ten years cooler.

OWN ME.

I NEED TO OWN ME.

the sun is always out in LA.

i love the four seasons of Toronto. maybe Vancouver would be a great place to live. a great place to visit. a great place to work. a great place to explore.

my energy is coming back.

my left thumb is shaking. is that from too much booze? am I getting sick? too many pills? not the right pills? not the right doctors? not the right questions? not the right answers? not the right goals? not the right actions?

the mountains are beautiful.

my arms are tanned but my face remains red. i want to run. i want to run. i want to run. i want to be an elite runner. train hard. eat healthier. drink lots of water. read and write. have convictions but have compassion. now my right hand is shaking. how awful must it be to get a disease that slowly kills you. slowly kills your mind. slowly kills your body. a disease that you can do nothing about. a disease that slowly kills you and slowly kills your loved ones.

IF THERE IS A GOD WHY DOES HE ALLOW PEOPLE TO SUFFER SO MUCH?

SO MUCH PAIN.

SO MUCH SORROW.

SO MUCH DESPAIR.

SO MUCH HURT.

rape.

torture.

physical abuse.

sexual abuse.

murder.

wars.

disease.

poverty.

racism.

anger.

hate.

lies.

deception.

SNAKY POLITICIANS.

SNAKY SALESMEN.

SNAKY BOSSES.

SNAKY RULES.

SNAKY LIVES.

FIGHT THE POWER!!!

six days of sun and six days of booze have taken it’s toll on me. i am tired. shaky. achy. restless and rundown. i am looking forward to returning to my boring town in a boring country. maybe boring is good for me. my face is pulsating. my arms are tired. sweating constantly. one more day and I’ll be back in my own bed with my own family. i sit in my room and hear screaming kids. i write a sentence and then stop to take a break. i am looking at empty wine bottles and they are not inspiring me. i want to stop. i need to stop. i need a break. the sun is shining and the kids are screaming. i am homesick. “BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.” i never believed that statement. but after a week away from my family and a week away from my dog and a week away from unpredictable weather I am counting down the minutes until I get back home. LOVE. i miss LOVE. i miss clarity. i miss routine. i miss peace. I miss quiet. maybe LOVE EVERYONE IS BETTER THAN FUCK EVERYONE. maybe living up north in the country is what I need. maybe peace and quiet is better for me. i know longer seek wild nights and deadly mornings. i know longer look for the biggest party and the drunkest girls. i want to hug Taylor. i want to hug Sarah. i want to cuddle Murphy. i want rain. i want snow. i want clouds.

there are two more bottles of wine on the table but I want a beer instead. just one ice cold tall beer. sipping it slowly. a water may be better. ice cold water. ice cold beer. NO MORE WINE!!!

the weekend crowd has arrived at the hotel. lots of people. lots of noise.

my fingers seem to be hairier than before this trip.

I AM NOT MADE FOR THE SUN.