going insane.
little by little life is pushing me further and further into some sort of irreparable feelings of frustration, anger, and total boredom.
daily dog walks filled with frustration.
daily jerks filled with frustration.
daily work filled with frustration.
frustrating lies and frustrating lives.
is anybody truly happy?
and what have they done to achieve that happiness?
were they born into real privilege and born into real money?
breathe.
breathe.
breathe.
another day down the drain.
the drain filled with bad food and sad hope.
hoping for better lives but doing very little to change.
exercise perhaps?
i have allowed too many people to make too many decisions for me.
i wonder how bored i will be tonight?
probably just as bored as last night and the night before that and the one before that and the week before that and the month before that and pretty soon you look back on twenty years of your life and wonder if you have been bored for those twenty years too.
i look around and see so many dull houses with the same dull paint jobs and the same dull lawns.
are there countries out there that would better suit me?
i find canada very safe but very dull.
yes.
yes.
yes.
i need to be more positive.
i need to meditate.
i need to see psychotherapists and i need to change in order to live my best life.
read healthier books.
have more gratitude.
more surrendering.
how much more inner work do i need to do in order to be fixed?
and fixed from what?
getting molested?
losing my dad?
being arrested for mouthing off to a mcdonald’s manager when i was eighteen?
is fixing myself “shutting up” or “shutting down?”
aren’t we all supposed to be unique and aren’t we supposed to surrender and accept?
but do we only surrender and accept the one’s who follow society’s rules and follow the handbook on how to be a mature adult?
have we gotten so pathetic that there is a job out there that makes a lot of money called a “social media influencer”?
and do these “influencers” have any value or insights that challenge anything in this world?
are they just hot guys and hot girls smiling and showing off their bodies?
in an interesting twist of fate or in an ironic twist of fate and/or a valuable and treasured observation,
I WOULDN’T EVEN FUCK THESE FAKES AND I WOULD PRETTY MUCH FUCK ANYTHING.
i’m not sure if that’s because i was molested or because of my adhd, bipolar disorder, shame, anxiety, or just plain high testerone levels?
or is it because of my objectification of women?
do i objectify women?
and do women not objectify HOT MEN?
do we all walk around objectifying everyone?
do we all wish we had open sexual relationships and less shackles and handcuffs?
is that why we admire youth?
is that why we reminisce about our youth?
is marriage weighing us all down?
are society’s rules weighing us all down?
GUILT.
SHAME.
SHAME.
GUILT.
is any of it necessary?
does anyone really care?
while i am trying to sort out my life and my “inner child”, politicians and other leaders are ruining countries and ruining the world. these leaders are committing fraud and committing murder.
rapes.
murders.
orgies.
debaucherous behaviour.
debaucherous lies.
debaucherous smiles.
debaucherous platforms.
USELESS MAGGOTS.
but we are useless sheep for putting these sick individuals on some sort of pink pedestal.
one day i want to be a priest.
the next day i want to be an angry tortured writer of truth.
nobody wants the truth.
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.”
almost another day gone.
my head is fuzzy.
or my brain is foggy.
fuzzy and foggy.
so many people pulling so many scams.
“to do” lists filled with cleaning and paying taxes and more cleaning and more paying of bills.
WHAT HAPPENED TO DRINKING AND WHAT HAPPENED TO FUCKING?
so many people living lives filled with quiet desperation.
i wonder if it will snow again tonight?
my dog is constantly staring at me.
I NEED TO MOVE.
I NEED A CITY.
I NEED LIFE.
I NEED ART.
ART.
REAL ART.
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP BARKING!!!
BARKING.
CRYING.
BARKING.
CRYING.
BARKING.
CRYING.
shit…maybe these pills aren’t working after all.
notanotherphony. 