notanotherphony.

great sleep. two beers. two glasses of wine. sleeping pills. anxiety pills. want to get off the meds. who needs them? what are they good for? do they help in any way? mind is somewhat foggy but maybe I need to accept that. write about that. our mental health resources in canada are atrocious. we are all, basically, left to fend for ourselves and society hopes our issues just go away.

well…FUCK THEM. THEM SENDING OUR SOCIETY INTO WARS, POVERTY, DULLNESS, HOMELESSNESS, RAPES, MURDERS, DEBT.

sick leaders and sick governments with sick rules and a sick society to show for it.

why do we allow such useless bores to rule us?

are we that dumb or that complacent or both?

we work. we shit. work some more. shit some more. drink bad beer. talk about useless things. follow useless bores speaking useless thoughts. useless lives leading other useless lives.

rich.

poor.

debt ridden.

big empty houses with big empty cars and big empty hearts and big shallow souls.

what have we become?

where are we going?

there are constant wars raging with innocent lives lost.

big banks with big bucks and big egos fucking everyone over except the big guy. the big people.

big dull corporations offering big dull products becoming bigger and wealthier while the little man with little products and little egos get left behind and buried under broken down homes and a broken down system.

why do people go to mcdonald’s when there are so many better burger joints around?

why do people drink such shitty beer when there are so many better beers around?

why do people watch such shitty tv when there are so many better shows and better films around?

peasants.

maggots.

bores.

sheep.

rule followers.

fake and phony.

phony and fake.

fake tits.

fake hair.

fake eyelashes.

fake lips.

fake smiles.

fake teeth.

fake niceties.

fake confidence.

WHY DO WE APPLAUD THIS?

HELLO?

IS ANYONE OUT THERE?

ANSWER ME!!!!

please.

why?

another shitty sleep. the 125 mg of zoloft combined with 7.5 mg of zoplicone not working.

still anxious. still can’t sleep. i also take concerta and still have all of my adhd symptoms. why am i even taking these meds? am i crazy? am i desperate? am i afraid of the alternative? how many other people are taking meds that don’t work?

despite a seemingly shitty sleep i am alive and filled with energy and filled with clarity. good conversations about film this morning. passion. art. passionate about art. vulnerability. passionate about vulnerability.

met taylor’s old soccer coach at starbuck’s today. he was there with his wife. he was dressed up and clean shaven. she was not. he was going to a funeral today. she was not. we spoke about getting together for a beer or a round of golf. we hadn’t seen each other for awhile. he then told me that he just got diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. WOW!!! that floored me. so young. he is only forty eight years old. i felt for him. what is he going through? fears? why’s? how’s? what’s the future look like?

diseases are so scary. one day you’re going to work and going to hockey arena’s and soccer fields and hanging out with friends and your wife and kids and twenty four hours later you’re diagnosed with a debilitating and deadly disease.

LIFE CAN BE SO CRUEL.

the wrong people get hit with the worst news.

another reminder to start living now. day by day. do not wait for life to happen. find you’re passion and what you love to do or have to do and do it.

love.

life.

friends.

bad news.

disease.

fear.

unknowns.

death.

woke up tired. great sleep. so good that i didn’t want to wake up. got an email from CRA in the middle of the night that woke me up and kept me up for awhile. managed to fall back asleep though…eventually. crazy dreams but, of course, i forget them now. coffee is brewing and bob is texting me about work. i don’t want to go but i need to make money. i need to figure out a way to make more money more consistently. producing? notanotherphony? agent? life coach? mindset coach? mindfulness coach?

GET SERIOUS.

NOW.

coffee is finished brewing and i want to stop writing.

I NEED MY COFFEE.

morning coffee’s are the best. second best are late morning coffee’s while reading a great book. Murphy is beside me and i am still tired. time to drink my coffee and start the day. hope it rains. i need an oil change on my car. we live way too far from everything up here.

tired.

coffee time.

CRA?

what do they want?

MONEY OF COURSE!!!

what is the government good for?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!

great sleep. still too much wine and too much crappy food. healthy habits and healthy eating begins (AGAIN) tonight.

need to take a shit but need to finish this story. finish this journal. i’ve had a tough week when it comes to healthy living. no problem though. just need to get back on track. more mindfulness observations yesterday. less dull talks with dull people and more inspiring talks with inspiring people.

i am someone that needs to make daily lists.

i need to meditate daily.

i need to exercise daily.

i need to write daily.

vulnerability.

the power of vulnerability.

tell my stories.

tell my story.

life story.

take the time to reveal my life.

reveal my emotions.

reveal my story.

reveal my thoughts.

less focus on the industry and less focus on the status quo and more focus on art.

notanotherphony.

energized and tired. oxymoron. looking forward to running today. missed a whole week. looking forward to walking with Murphy. spending time with Murphy. construction work yesterday and it was on a big site. not my scene. too loud. too dusty. too much testosterone. too many boring conversations about boring topics and boring performances of those boring topics. hard hats required. zits on my head. zits on my forehead. long day and long drive. solution?

DOGME 95.

make my film.

how can i make my film?

who can help me make my film?

a small team of passionate artists.

i will look at this today.

make this a priority today.

touch base with alfred today.

ABANDONED.

“if you don’t get love from your family, who do you get it from?”

continue reading the LOW SELF ESTEEM book.

continue to look at and work on my performance anxiety issues.

keep showing up.

challenge the status quo.

make films inexpensively.

tell stories.

ART.

CREATE.

FUCK THE SYSTEM.

the system creates cookie cutter boredom that the sheep of our society drool over. embarrassing.

WE ARE A DEPRAVED AND DULL SOCIETY AND WE DON’T EVEN KNOW IT.

write and create.