THE LIFE AND TIMES OF A BORING MAN IN A BORING TOWN.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

i think i had a great sleep. feel good. feel awake. feel a big sore zit brewing on my nose. 55 years old and still getting zits. bald. grey. zits. adhd. anxiety. saggy skin. saggy balls. some people get all the breaks and others have to do so much and work much harder at life for little results. little money. life unfair. i need a sip of coffee.

i was in the city yesterday and it felt great. i felt great. the city is filled with so much energy. so much vibrance. so many pretty people wearing pretty clothes staring at pretty buildings. groups of people out on patios enjoying life while the suburbanites sit on their couches watching shitty tv.

why do people choose to avoid the excitement and culture of a vibrant city and, instead, opt for the boredom and dullness of a dull suburb with dull people and dull dogs? the city brings hope. the city brings excitement. the city of dreams and culture and hot girls and handsome boys and unique restaurants and unique buildings. unique streets. unique people. unique coffee shops. unique bars. unique architecture and unique lives. i love the city. i love cities. i am bored stiff in the suburbs. boring people. boring houses. boring restaurants. boring bars. boring trucks. boring clothes. boring. boring. boring. THE LIFE AND TIMES OF A BORING MAN IN A BORING TOWN DOING BORING THINGS AND DRINKING BORING BEER. and then one day that man gets diagnosed with a debilitating disease and he slowly begins to die. dying a slow and painful death. sad. lonely. scared. can’t sleep. can’t find joy. can’t fuck. can’t eat. can’t play sports. can’t live a wonderful life. and he can’t even jerk off.

LIFE IS SAD.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT YOU CAN.

LIVE LIFE.

why are we so sad and so dull?

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

great sleep. two beers. two glasses of wine. sleeping pills. anxiety pills. want to get off the meds. who needs them? what are they good for? do they help in any way? mind is somewhat foggy but maybe I need to accept that. write about that. our mental health resources in Canada are atrocious. we are all, basically, left to fend for ourselves and society hopes that our issues all just go away. WELL FUCK THEM!!! THEM sending our society into wars, poverty, dullness, rapes, murders, debt. sick leaders and sick governments with sick rules and a sick society. why do we allow such useless bores to rule us? are we that dumb or that complacent or both?

we work. shit. work some more. drink bad beer. talk about useless things. follow useless rules. listen to useless bores speaking useless thoughts. useless lives leading other useless lives. rich. poor. debt ridden. big empty houses with big empty hearts and big shallow souls. what have we become? where are we going?

there are still wars raging with many innocent lives lost. and we all accept it.

still big banks with big bucks and big egos fucking everyone over except the big guy with the big cigar. and we all accept it.

big dull corporations offering big dull products becoming bigger and wealthier while the little man with little products and little ego gets left behind and buried under their broken down homes and broken down system. and we all accept it.

why do people go to mcdonalds when there are so many better burger joints around?

why do people watch such shitty tv when there are so many better shows and better films around?

peasants.

maggots.

bores.

sheep.

rule followers.

fake and phony.

phony and fake.

fake tits.

fake hair.

fake eyelashes.

fake lips.

fake smiles.

fake teeth.

why do we applaud this?

hello?

answer me. please.

1985.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

another crappy sleep last night. up at 4am but never in a deep sleep. tossing and turning and then tossing and turning some more. the new adhd meds (stimulants) are fantastic but they have hurt my sleep. the non stimulants were great for sleep but also great for sleeping when i wanted to be awake.

another day gone and another day of almost nothingness. work. coffee. dog walk. coffee. lunch. audition and then physio. dinner and now a beer plus some meditation. in a great mood today even with the lack of sleep.

i wonder why wars and killings have become so normalized?

i wonder if trudeau is as bad as many people say he is?

i wonder if it is true that he is raising the carbon tax on april 1st and if he is why isn’t there more of an uproar? perhaps an uprising.

will pollievre be any better?

will he really bring in more homes which will make homes more affordable?

will he really put more money in our pockets?

will he really make our lives better?

what has trudeau done that has been good for our country as a whole?

what has trudeau done that has been bad for our country as a whole?

is ford good?

has he made our province better? and better for who?

has social media made our society worse?

do you tube influencers actually influence anybody? and if you are influenced by one of them shouldn’t you seek immediate help? perhaps a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist would serve you better.

do people exercise everyday?

do people read everyday?

do people meditate everyday?

do people connect everyday?

do people laugh everyday?

is there enough money in the world to stop world hunger?

if so, why haven’t we stopped it?

will there come a time when school is no longer needed?

can we not learn everything we need from the internet and reading books on our own?

why do we need to take math? we have calculators.

do people still listen to music on the radio?

my wife was sick and now she is getting better and i am starting to feel sick.

do kids not play outside anymore?

gym should be mandatory.

we should all try and be as healthy as we possibly can.

i look forward to my morning exercise.

i love running. i love running on the trails.

i am bored still.

always bored.

i love human connection and i love stories.

it is always cold in our house.

i was sexually molested by an older man once. i allowed it. it was after lining up for bruce springsteen tickets back in 1985. i got the tickets. hitchiked home. got picked up by an older man. he stroked my penis. i ejaculated and then he dropped me off at my house. he was mad that i “came” too quickly. i said sorry and then left his car. my dad died eight years earlier. after i was molested i fucked many girls and got into many fights. i was angry and lost. hurting inside. lost. confused. i also played in the canada games later that summer for ontario. 1985. eighteen years old.

the springsteen concert was great. lots of fun. drunken debauchery and great music. i got arrested later that year for assaulting a mcdonald’s manager after he was trying to kick my friends and i out of the establishment for being too drunk and obnoxious. i told him to keep his hands off me or i would beat on him. he said he would call the cops and we left.

the next day the cops called me down to the station and said that i had nothing to worry about. i went down to the station and they fingerprinted me. assault and public mischief charges. i told the cops that i never laid a finger on the manager and they said that it didn’t matter. i threatened him which, according to the law, is assault.

it was a tough year.

1985.

turned 18.

got molested.

played in the canada games.

got drunk. fucked lots of girls.

got in many fights.

and then got arrested.

my life was beginning to take shape.

DAD CAN YOU SEE ME?

don’t listen to the experts.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

just got home from working two jobs and it is 8pm. i started my first job at 4am. i have no money. no excitement. no trips planned. no elaborate dinners and no pension. i am almost fifty-seven years old and I have less money now than when I was thirty-six. i am tired. i am sore. i am bored. i am old. i am lost. always lost. always bored. always hoping for a new day to save me from the last day but the new day always ends up being the same as all the other days. miraculously i am not depressed nor am i anxious. i have adhd and, possibly, ptsd and hints of bipolar disorder but i have accepted these impediments unlike most of society. i have accepted them and accepted our lack of resources for anyone who suffers with mental health issues. i don’t want to sit at a desk anyway and i don’t want to wear a name tag. i don’t want to shave and i don’t want to wear a suit. i don’t want to have sales goals to reach and i don’t want to go to company christmas parties. i don’t want to wear fake clothes and i don’t want to have a fake smile. i don’t want fake conversations and i don’t want to sit in any more GODDAM BORING SALES MEETINGS LEAD BY SHITTY MANAGERS WHO OFFER UP NOTHING BUT STATUS QUO QUOTES AND STATUS QUO INSPIRATIONAL SPEECHES. i like free beer and free wine. but if someone gives me a free bud or a free molson canadian i won’t drink it. i am not an alcoholic but i have been called one many times. i have also been called a pig. i have been called troubled and i have also been called funny and strange. i think i am a good guy with a big heart and a big soul but not everyone will agree with me. i watch lesser people get ahead and lesser people get jobs that i should have gotten. i have watched lesser people win awards and lesser people get rich. i don’t know why. it is NOT from my lack of effort nor is it from my lack of intelligence. i get bored in boring jobs and most of the jobs i have had over the years have been boring. i have read numerous self help books and seen numerous psychotherapists. i have taken many pills and i have listened to many experts on life. my windshield was broken the other day. i was driving at a normal speed on a normal road when a normal dump truck passed me and unloaded various rocks and pebbles from his truck. of course one hit my car and now i need to spend 500 dollars to fix the windshield when i don’t have 500 dollars to fix it. i also don’t have money to pay off my telus bill. i work three jobs and have very little money. i don’t watch shitty tv nor do i listen to shitty music. i am doing my best to avoid eating shitty food and i had knee surgery 8 weeks ago. my knee is still swollen but i am exercising again which brings me joy. i want to visit portugal and i want to go to new york city. i want to live forever but i know that won’t happen. i will miss my daughter when i die. i wished we never had to die. we spend our whole lives with people and then, one day, they are gone…forever…my feet are sore. i continue to work and i try to continue to love. i also continue to exercise. the acting industry bores me. i chose the wrong career. choices we make when we are younger can come back to bite us hard and bite us relentlessly. am i the only one who feels this way? i wish more people were honest and more people were vulnerable. i wish we still had strong communities and strong families but the chase for money or the need to work to survive has lessened community and lessened family get togethers.

there are horrific wars going on and horrific acts of violence. do the politicians care for human life?

sick.

sad.

lost.

alive.

passionate (used to be?)

bored.

bored.

bored.

i love real people and real conversations and i wished we all got along.

money.

money.

money.

time.

time.

time.

go.

go.

go.

don’t listen to the experts. they are wrong.

listen to your gut and listen to the birds chirping outside.

i got a sunburn today. march 13th.

time for bed.

tomorrow is a new day.

#hope.

eating out of garbage cans.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

life continuing to move forward. continuing to move at a faster and faster pace. i was, once, a ten year old happy kid playing hockey and soccer with my friends. two young parents. two grandmothers and one old lonely grandfather. now i am fifty-six years old with no grandmothers, no grandfathers, and no Dad. i still have a Mom but who knows for how long. the circle of life. i have one wife and one beautiful daughter. i have a younger brother but he has his own family and life isn’t as easy as it once was. i miss my childhood friends and childhood hockey and soccer teams. i miss my Dad. i miss my old schools and miss my old girlfriends. i have lost friends due to cancer and car accidents and other traumatic events. i miss our fun times together and our crazy times together. lots of parties. lots of drinking. lots of drugs. lots of fucks and lots of fun.

i somehow someway managed to end up living in a small dull town north of toronto where big loud trucks are everywhere and cyclists and walkers are nowhere. lots of shitty beer and lots of shitty homes. shitty bars and shitty dogs with annoying barks and annoying owners. i am a slave to my dog and a slave to my wife. i am a slave to the system and a slave to my bank account. stuck doing very little while others post daily pics of their trips to spain, cayman islands, greece, italy, and australia. there are numerous wars going on with numerous children dying and numerous women and men also dying. horrific acts of evil to go along with horrific acts of greed. while some are planning weddings on the moon others are waking up under a brown box under a dirty highway looking for any scraps of food they can find in the nearest garbage can. the world is definitely a messed up place where we can connect with random strangers from random countries but we choose to ignore atrocities and ignore the less fortunate. we watch bad hollywood movies and listen to bad hollywood music. we revere fake celebrities and ignore intellectuals like Noam Chomsky and Chris Hedges. we worry about AI but most of us have already lost our hearts and lost our souls. we are robots in human skin. lack of empathy. lack of humour. lack of intelligence. lack of fire. lack of purpose. why is our world so broken? why do we give in to the system and give in to the rules made up by old rich white men? rules that favour them and their elite friends but offer up nothing of value except overpriced homes and fake money? stock markets and investors. traders and speculators. WHAT A SYSTEM OF BULLSHIT.

it is sunny outside. people are smiling. families are torn apart and life continues to move forward. tomorrow it is supposed to be sunny again. i still miss my Dad. i also miss my daughter. i hope she is doing well and living life to her fullest. we lack money but we don’t lack love. other families lack love but they don’t lack money. i wish there could be some sort of balance. some sort of equality. we never really do know when we are going to die and we never really do know when we are going to fall in love or fall out of love. and what is love? unconditional love? i think i was born at the wrong time. i don’t like where our society is now nor do i see it getting better without major shifts by major protesters fed up with all the lies and all the deception. why do we put politicians on pedestals? why are people’s flags at half mast? i think we need real art. i also think we need business. but when one becomes dominant while the other becomes invisible we lose. we cannot live life as one big business. we have so many highly intelligent people in our world so why is our world in shambles? why are there still wars raging and children starving? mass shootings and mass poverty? mass murders and mass depression? daily suicides and daily murders. daily diseases and daily tortures. daily caucus meetings and daily deceptions.

confusion.

chaos.

lack of empathy and lack of respect.

lack of good leaders and lack of knowledge.

lack of listening and lack of love.

we have an overabundance of needless gadgets and an underabundance of empathy and love.

i wish things would be better.

i hope we can make things better for our kids.

family is most important to me.

family is not most important to others.

life is not easy.

but if you can’t get love from your family then who do you get it from?

abandoned little child. i feel for you.