notanotherphony.

woke up at 5:30am. not sure why but I did. i still have a cold or allergies or covid. still not sure what it is but i’m stuffed up and have a sore throat. drank a bottle of wine last night and passed out early. a long day on the construction site. hot sun beaming down on my bald head. hard work. little pay. long days. long talks. long drives. long talks. for some reason the customers vent their frustrations onto me. they think that I am the leader. i am the owner.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO OVER HERE? WE’RE NOT HAPPY WITH THE WORK. THE BRICK NEEDS TO COME OUT MORE, DON’T YOU THINK?”

“well i don’t really know too much about that. i’m not good with grading.”

“WHAT ABOUT THE SIDE? WHY ISN’T THERE BORDER BRICKS ON THE SIDE?”

“yeah, I don’t know. to be honest I am just an actor. i am only here to help out.”

“YOU’RE AN ACTOR? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN IN?” the customer asks with genuine interest.

I tell her about Burt Reynold’s and other movie stars and she makes me pasta and her husband brings out homemade wine and we chat some more and they complain some more and I just nod and smile. smile and nod. everyone likes me. everyone feels comfortable enough around me to tell me their life stories. their life’s frustrations. their excitement. their struggles. their pain. maybe they know what I have been through in my life. maybe my face and my body tell my story. reveal my pain. i am open and I listen. i accept and don’t judge. we continue eating. we continue drinking. the sun is beginning to go down. my wife and daughter waiting for me at home. we were supposed to go to The Keg for dinner. but, as always, i let them down. i am never good with time commitments. i am never good with time management. always letting people down. always rushing to meet deadlines.

now tired.

still sick.

burnt neck.

sore stomach.

sore back.

sore knees.

sore feet.

sore eyes.

sore throat.

sore hand.

sore heart.

sore soul.

ready to go back to work but also ready to go back to bed.

two coffees down.

one shit.

i’ll eat a breakfast sandwich and get on the road.

long drive.

long day.

short nights.

and then life is over.

enjoy every minute.

enjoy every day.

enjoy life with all of it’s ups and downs.

one day there won’t be a life.

life.

death.

woke up with a sore throat and a stuffy nose. allergies? a cold? covid? who knows? who cares? my body is aching. my back is sore. my stomach is rumbling. my penis is burning. what’s wrong with me? i live alone with my wife and daughter. and dog. i am loved only by my dog. my wife and daughter neglect me. disrespect me. look down on me. avoid me. don’t listen to me. don’t love me. a toxic relationship that is weighing us all down. hiding. putting up walls. pretending. none of this behaviour helps. where is your fire? where is your joy? where is your hope? where are your dreams? what are your dreams? what has happened to you? are you aware of your fear? aware of your hiding? aware of your walls? life doesn’t wait around for anyone. open up. be silly. play. do not worry about opinions from other people. do not worry about looking silly or looking dumb. live. live life. live life to it’s fullest. how to break the pattern? how to break the habit?

CHAOS IS GOOD.

CHAOS IS GROUNDING.

CHAOS KEEPS US ALIVE AND KEEPS US PRESENT.

day 1.

day 2.

day 3.

day 4.

day 5.

day 6.

day 7.

one week.

one month.

one year.

one decade.

one century.

dead bodies.

dead friends.

dead family.

lives lived fully.

lives lived in fear.

dull lives.

dull dreams.

pretending and screaming.

fake laughs. fake joy. struggling inside with a big smile on the outside. a strained smile and a strained relationship.

when will things change?

when will life be happy?

when will you have friends?

when will you have fun?

when will you LIVE?

don’t die while still living. a life unlived is a life forgotten.

forgotten.

sad.

irrelevant.

WAKE UP.

another birthday passed for Triggy. another day older. another day. another day. just another day…for her. she no longer gets excited about things. she no longer gets excited about life. about fun. about work. about anything. anything and everything. nothing.

went to bed too late and got up too early. jerked off late and when I jerk off late I have a struggle getting to sleep. i had a great sleep nonetheless. great sleep. troubled sleep. why do I care so much about sleep? why do I worry so much about sleep? why am I troubled so much about sleep?

a tough day at work yesterday. tired. groggy. achy. tired muscles and a tired life. doing construction labour work at 55 is not what I envisioned as an excited child nor a curious and troubled teen nor a creative and passionate twenty something nor a driven, talented, and still passionate thirty something.

what happened?

where did time go?

where did my hopes go?

where did my life go?

tough day on the construction site.

good guys.

great customer. she cooks us lunch everyday. she makes us espresso. so friendly. so caring. Italian mother’s are always so caring. always so loving.

another shooting in the States yesterday. six dead. a Fourth of July celebration turning ugly. daily mass shootings. daily destruction. daily trauma. daily deaths. but nothing changes. the US are so stuck on their rights and freedoms. so stuck in the past. so stuck with old white men in old boring suits making rules for the whole company. an awful system filled with awful men. AND NOTHING CHANGES.

such common sense buried under the graves of old rich white dinosaurs who, once, thought they were important but were only really important to their rich friends and rich wives. dullness at it’s finest.

dull.

lacking intelligence.

no heart.

no soul.

no creativity.

no empathy.

no authenticity.

no… nO…NO…NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

DAD’S DEAD.

February 17, 1978.

Bernard Wavell Mckenna.

Architect.

Dad.

Friend.

Husband.

Soccer Coach.

Uncle.

A GREAT MAN.

A GREAT LOSS.

so sad.

LIFE ITSELF.

LESS DRUGS. I seem to be more fucked up and more lost. relying on meds that may or may not work for a mental disorder I may or may not have. HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVE A MENTAL DISORDER? I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH MANY BUT ARE THE DOCTORS RIGHT?

body sore. body always sore. BUT FUCK ALL THAT AND FIGHT THROUGH IT. FIGHT THROUGH THE ACHES. FIGHT THROUGH THE PAINS. FIGHT THROUGH THE SHITTY DOCTORS AND SHITTY PSYCHOTHERAPISTS. FIGHT THROUGH THE SHITTY RULES. FIGHT THROUGH THE SHITTY TOWNS. FIGHT THROUGH THE LACK OF MONEY AND PILING BILLS. FIGHT THROUGH THE LACK OF CONVERSATIONS AND LACK OF COMMUNICATION.

forget the books.

forget the experts.

forget the rules.

forget the regulations.

less meds.

less compliance.

less advice.

less looking for approval.

less deadlines.

less comparison.

less hair but more masculinity.

less money but more character.

less dinners and less trips but less lies and less deception.

less is more…sometimes.

rest and relaxation is for those who have money.

having money can help in the journey of life but I just need a purpose. i need a meaning. i need to contribute.

I AM A WRITER.

I AM AN ACTOR.

I AM A SURVIVOR.

stories of loss.

stories of false arrests and false commitments.

stories of attempted suicide.

stories of good friends and great fucks.

stories of youth.

wins.

losses.

loves.

kisses.

great parties.

great fucks.

great concerts.

shameful Mondays.

WALKS OF SHAME.

great trips.

sadness Sundays.

freedom and open hearts.

unzipped pants and wrinkled hands on a youthful penis and an innocent soul.

#metoo.

forgotten fucks.

forgotten follies.

forgotten friends.

forgotten fun.

everything is forgotten when mired in depression and mired in mud.

muddy mind.

muddy heart.

today is the first day of the rest of my life.

make of it what I will.

less meds.

less work.

less rules.

less sitting.

less waiting.

less complaining.

less following.

less thinking.

LESS AND LOSS AND WRINKLED HANDS.

Nicole’s birthday today but she pretends she doesn’t care. she pretends it means “nothing.” she pretends to not care and not feel. not worry and not despair. why pretend? what’s the point of pretending? in pretending, you’re avoiding. avoiding pleasure. avoiding pain. avoiding vulnerability. avoiding shame. years and years of avoiding and hiding leave you nothing but a hard shell and no friends. no family and no hope. the key to life is to be open. be alive. be vulnerable. why do people NOT see this? the only person you are fooling is yourself.

BE OPEN.

BE NAKED.

BE SILLY.

life is weird.

life is ridiculous.

life is a circus.

embrace the circus.

don’t follow the dull rules made by dull bankers with dull haircuts. be crazy. be alive. be open. be. see. me.

Monday morning sirens from a society that has gone mad. chasing false dreams and false homes. long commutes on dangerous highways chasing money from shitty jobs and shitty bosses. a race to nowhere for most but most don’t know any better. they wear nice slacks and breathable golf shirts. nice clean shoes and a nice clean shaven face. nice and dull. dull and boring. boring and predictable.

I need to shit again but I want to finish this chapter. chapter? chapter of what I do not know but I don’t want to know. i just want to write. no thought. no plan. open up my heart and open up my soul. old style writing that is restless and real. not dull and phony.

i hear the loud siren. i hear the loud birds. i hear my neighbour screaming at his wife or kids. i hear a small engine airplane flying overhead but still can’t see it. my shit is half out my ass and it is making me sweat (again). always shitting. always sweating. i wonder what people look like when they shit. i wonder what type of shits they have. how often. how much toilet paper do they use. i’m tingling from a weekend of booze. wanting to cut back but never really do. eating shit. drinking shit. crapping out shit.

July 4th, 1981. Nicole was born.

July 4th, 2022. It is Nicole’s 41st birthday.

she says she doesn’t care.

but she should care.

we should all care.

life is about living and caring.

DO NOT HIDE.

DO NOT PRETEND.

life will pass you by in an instant.

“TIME FLIES.”

what do you want to do?

JUST DO IT.