notanotherphony.

i was excited to drive. drive endlessly. drive anywhere. good music playing on the stereo. music without words but with lots of sound and lots of soul. lots of heart and lots of emotion. it was dark. it was cold. i was alone. i couldn’t sit and waste another night watching another irrelevant show. an irrelevant movie. fake. fake actors. fake story. fake smiles. bright lights and bright images. dull and soulless at the same time.

i drove in the country across country roads and county roads. looking for some excitement. looking for a conversation. looking for a pulse. looking for good beer and good wine and good people with interesting stories about their interesting lives. the dullness of suburban life beginning to weigh on me. lacking character. lacking uniqueness. lacking energy. lacking fire. and even lacking community. suburbs offer very little except hockey rinks and soccer fields. dance competitions and walmarts. do most people enjoy this life? maybe they do. maybe they don’t. maybe they don’t know any better. maybe they’ve never explored city life or remote town life. maybe it’s me and not them. maybe the suburbs satisfy most people and is that wrong? it is only one man’s opinion. we all have opinions. it is good to have opinions. society tries to shut our opinions down or shut them out but we should be allowed opinions on anything and everywhere. OPINIONS ARE NOT FACT. opinions are ideas and thoughts and beliefs that come from people’s minds. from people’s hearts. from conditioning perhaps. from influences perhaps. BUT THEY ARE NOT FACT. offer up opinions but listen to other opinions. that sounds logical. opinions without research and without experience can be problematic. rigid opinions and rigid beliefs can be problematic. facebook memes can be problematic and signs that say “FUCK TRUDEAU” can be problematic BUT, at least, these people have opinions and a passion. i would rather talk to an extreme right wing “expert” than talk to a listless and passionless stump who offers up nothing but agreements and defeatist attitudes. that being said, there must be a better way of living and better governments that actually care than what we have currently in place. when I mean currently I am speaking about the system NOT the individual nor the individual party. how can we have so much abundance of wealth. enough wealth to give millions and millions to other countries (I AM NOT AGAINST THIS) to help them in their struggles but we, seemingly, have very little to help our own struggles and our own economy (whatever that term means)? why are our governments so lacking in transparency and so lacking in giving us clarity as to what they are spending our money on? why is so much money wasted on, seemingly, irrelevant projects like statues etc but the money is lacking when it comes to fixing our health care fiasco or fixing our poverty issues and real mental health issues? IS THERE A BETTER WAY OF SPENDING MONEY? THERE MUST BE. why do we allow a system that really only has three parties? TRANSPARENCY. TRANSPARENCY. TRANSPARENCY. WE NEED FULL TRANSPARENCY AS TO WHERE THESE GOVERNMENTS ARE SPENDING OUR MONEY.

does anyone really trust Ford or Trudeau or Singh or Pollivierre? and is the system so rigged and so flawed that even if someone with real intelligence were to run that they would not even be able to fix our country? why is that? and why do we allow that? and is part of the problem on us? as long as we, as individuals, are financially successful or financially stable do we tend to turn a blind eye to social issues? and would I do the same thing if I was rich? if someone were to come up with a clear cut plan on how to fix what ails us in this country and this individual laid it out very clearly and very precisely and it meant a few extra hundred dollars a year in taxes would this NOT be a good thing? I am sure many of my friends with money would agree that this would be a good thing? if we were to get rid of poverty and get rid of homelessness and help our citizens wouldn’t we all be better off? a country where everyone is stable financially and everyone has access to good schooling and good healthcare. a country where we helped each other instead of fought each other. a country where we listened to each other and NOT blame each other. a country where we learned from each other instead of blamed each other. a country where we all asked more from our elected officials and more from our leaders. a country where poverty and homelessness are NOT ACCEPTABLE.

governments that are held accountable for their actions.

why are our leaders not held accountable for their actions?

choosing another leader from another average party to fix our country is NOT THE ANSWER.

the system is flawed and every four years we fight and blame and become passionate about a new leader from a different party coming in to save us. what happens? same old shit for another four years. my life has not changed financially or drastically for fifty years as a result of who is in power? why do we fight and berate and vote as if our lives depended on it all to have a similar talking head in power? does this ever get your attention?

the garages are open. the bad beer is flowing. bad couches and bad health.

i keep driving hoping for some excitement.

well not today.

i drink a bottle of wine and go to bed.

tomorrow is a new day.

hopefully i will have an exciting and interesting conversation with someone.

many books to read. many passions. many ideas. many interests. many thoughts. many emotions. many friends. many ticks. many tocks. many pens. many bills. many aches. many pains. many drunken nights. many hungovered days. many arrests. many fucks. many jobs. many struggles. many losses. many frustrations. many clothes. many receipts. many wins. many days spent in front of a psychiatrist. many days spent in front of a psychotherapist. many days spent in front of teachers. many days spent in front of boring guys and dull girls. many days looking out my window. looking for something hopeful. looking for answers. looking for my childhood. looking for excuses. looking for my Dad. looking for help. looking for money. looking for fun. looking for excitement. looking for authenticity. looking for trust. looking for belief. looking for work. looking for my car. where did I park my car? looking for good music. looking for good films. looking for good books. looking for good people. looking for art. looking for artists. looking for critical thinkers. looking for life to expand. looking for a life to live. looking for ways out of this dull and mundane life. dull and mundane state. looking inward and searching outward at the same time. I want to travel. not to Florida. not to resorts. not to disneyland or disneyworld. i want to travel to the middle east. i want to travel to africa. i want to travel to south AMERICA. i want to travel to europe. i want to travel to india. i want to meet people from all over the world. i want to exchange our life stories. i want to know their life stories. human connection over commerce. human love over big business. i met a guy in the steamroom yesterday and he was from Iraq. a man in his thirties. early thirties. I asked him about saddam Hussein. I had just watched a show on him and the show emphasized how brutal he was. i asked him his thoughts. he said that, at the time, about fifty percent of Iraqi’s liked him and about fifty percent of Iraqi’s didn’t like him. similar to our politicians in Canada and the US. but he also said that, now, about ninety percent of the Iraqi’s wished he were back in power and NOT DEAD. the US mingling where they shouldn’t mingle. stories that we tell. stories that the media tell us. stories that books tell us. stories that movies tell us. stories that politicians tell us. lies and deception. MOST PEOPLE WANT TO BE LOVED AND HAVE A FAMILY AND PROVIDE FOR THEIR FAMILY AND HAVE FUN. MOST PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD WANT THE SAME THING AS US. I met another guy in the steamroom who was Jewish and he thought I had a Yiddish soul. very nice guy. so was the Iraqi. i asked the Jewish man what Israel was like as his son lives in Haifa. he said it is beautiful. his son loves it. he said that in his sons building there are jews living there. palestinians living there. other nationalities. other religions. i asked him about the troubles between israel and palestine and he said that his son hasn’t witnessed any of it. he said that his son has friends who are palestinian and friends who are jewish and friends who are muslim and friends who are from israel. he calls me Christopher instead of Christian as many jews do but I don’t mind that. i find it endearing in a weird sort of way. i like being told that I have a Yiddish soul. i also met another jewish couple one night at my friends bar. it was a cold Sunday evening and it was pretty empty as it was late. we were all drinking bourbon and wine and listening to great music and having great chats. i asked them about living in Israel as they both had lived there for awhile. they said the same thing…people from palestine and people from israel get along. they said that israel is filled with people and cultures from all over the world. this is NOT from a book. this is from people who have lived there. so why do we get bombarded with all the negative news? why do we ONLY see atrocities from the middle east? what do the media and politicians want from us? why do they bombard us with their opinions and their agendas? and why do we listen to them? why do we fight, constantly, with our fellow human beings? why do we kill our fellow human beings in needless and senseless wars? why do we identify as Canadian, Russian, American, Ukrainian, Jewish, Muslim, etc etc etc. why can’t we all understand that we are ALL HUMAN BEINGS???? who has done this to us and why? why are we trying to remove ourselves from each other instead of joining together with each other. i want to learn about different cultures and different traditions and different lives through human connection and human stories and human beings rather than news or tv or movies or books.

I LOVE LIFE.

I HATE POLITICS.

I LOVE HUMAN BEINGS.

I HATE WAR.

I LOVE HUMAN CONNECTION.

I HATE SILENCE.

I LOVE AND WANT TO BE LOVED.

I HATE AGENDAS. I HATE HIDDEN AGENDAS.

I LOVE HUMAN STORIES TOLD BY HUMAN BEINGS.

I LOVE ART. REAL ART.

why do we allow politicians to rule our lives?

LOVE.

LIFE.

FAMILY.

HUMAN CONNECTION.

HUMANITY.

PEACE.

Boxed up. tired. a sore pimple on the inside of my nose. hungover. weening off meds. weening off society. weening of my addiction to self help books and self help gurus. I AM ME. I DON’T NEED TO CHANGE ME. I AM ME. I DON’T NEED TO CHANGE ME. I AM ME. I DON’T NEED TO CHANGE ME. a lifetime of trying to please and trying to fit in has brought me nowhere and brought me very little. little money. little pleasure. little house. little luck. we are a society built on “not being enough” and not being…can’t think of anything else at the moment. daily ads. daily smiles. daily self help gurus telling us how to live and how to be successful. fake caring human beings running billion dollar businesses and talking a billion dollar game with a billion dollar smile and a billion dollar confidence. but really having nothing to say nor nothing to play. rehashed self help books from old rehashed coaches from long ago. THE AMERICAN DREAM. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

FUCK THEM ALL AND CREATE. CREATE FROM THE HEART. CREATE FROM THE GUT. CREATE FROM THE BALLS. CREATE FROM THE CUNT. DON’T CREATE FROM THE BUSINESS MIND AND DON’T CREATE WITH A BOARDROOM OF UNINSPIRED PRODUCERS AND UNINSPIRED SCRIPT SUPERVISORS. FOR ALL THE SUPERVISING WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SHITTY SCRIPTS AND SHITTY MOVIES???

DO NOT WRITE FOR THE MASSES. DO NOT WRITE FOR THE SHEEP. DO NOT WRITE FOR KIDS. LET KIDS WRITE FOR KIDS. LET KIDS BE KIDS. FUCK DULL PARENTS AND DULL RULES. TIK TOK IS THE LATEST DISTRACTION OF USELESSNESS. FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM HAVE BORED US TO DEATH AND NOW WE NEED ANOTHER SOCIAL MEDIA BOREDOM. does the average person have that much time to waste that they watch shitty videos and make shitty comments? get outside and enjoy the weather. get outside and enjoy people one on one. talk. discuss. engage. flirt. fuck. drink. do drugs. discuss life. discuss current events and discuss family life and family love. WHY WATCH TIK TOK VIDEOS FOR CHEAP LAUGHS AND CHEAP THRILLS?

sitting here at the computer waiting for my daily Metamucil intake to kick in. FUCKING PHARMACEUTICAL DRUGS!!! BUSINESS OVER HUMANITY. ALWAYS BUSINESS OVER HUMANITY. WHY DO WE ELECT USELESS LEADERS AND ALLOW USELESS LAWS? ARE WE JUST PATHETIC SHEEP FOLLOWING RULES AND LAWS THAT, IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT, DO NOT SERVE MOST PEOPLE. DAILY STRUGGLES. DAILY MURDERS. DAILY SUICIDES. DAILY LAWSUITS. DAILY SADNESS. DAILY AND DEADLY DISEASES. DAILY ROBBERIES. DAILY FIGHTS. DAILY LETTERS FROM RICH COMPANIES ASKING FOR THEIR DAILY MONEY. DAILY ROBBERY FROM HYDRO COMPANIES. DAILY ROBBERY FROM INSURANCE COMPANIES. DAILY ROBBERY FROM PHONE COMPANIES AND CABLE COMPANIES. DAILY ROBBERY FROM RICH GROCERY OWNERS. DAILY LIES. DAILY DECEPTION. avoid living under “their” rules. speak up and speak out. speak loud and speak proud. use your own mind. use your own heart. use your own soul.

DO NOT BE A PAWN.

DO NOT BE A SHEEP.

DO NOT BE A SNAKE.

we have become a society of nothingness except for wellness and big business. wellness has combined with big business and created ADDICTS. addicts hoping for the next self help trick to work. addicts following twenty three different gurus on their podcasts and their IG accts and Facebook accts. gurus only caring about their lavish lives while reeling in vulnerable lost souls with little hope and little help. lost families. lost lives. lost kids. lost focus. lost passions. lost fire. lost trust. lost and lonely.

YOU ARE GOOD JUST AS YOU ARE. DON’T LET THE SNAKES TELL YOU ANY DIFFERENTLY.

DO NOT BECOME THEM. DO NOT FOLLOW THEM. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?

WHO DO YOU WANT TO LOVE?

WHO DO YOU WANT TO FUCK?

WHO DO YOU WANT TO READ?

WHO DO YOU WANT TO DRINK WITH?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO EAT?

delve inwards and stop boring dull people talking about boring dull things IMMEDIATELY!!!

NO LONGER BE FORCED TO SIT FOR AN HOUR TALKING TO SOMEONE ABOUT NOTHING.

time wasters.

fuck them. politely. politely fuck them.

i am still tired.

i am still hungover.

i am still waiting for my Metamucil to kick in.

i am still waiting for the pimple inside my nose to stop hurting.

i am still trying to ween off zoloft.

i am still trying to be clear.

but today I will be me and sit in whatever shit I am dealing with today.

i will sit with this shitty feeling.

i will not try to run my way out of it.

sit.

create.

maybe masturbate.

censorshop is awful.

Time to write and, of course, nothing to say. whenever I sit down to write my mind goes blank. my emotions go blank. my irritability is heightened. the resistance is real. i will fight through it the way that I am fighting through life. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I WILL NOT BACK DOWN. I WILL LOVE BUT I WILL ALSO HATE. HATE THOSE WHO DO HARM UNTO OTHERS. HATE THOSE WHO ARE TIME WASTERS. HATE CRAZY DRIVERS AND RUTHLESS KILLERS. SICK AND SAD SOCIETY. EXTREME CAPITALISM AT IT’S WORST. CONSTANT MURDERS. CONSTANT ASSAULTS. CONSTANT BANKRUPTS, CONSTANT STRESS. CONSTANT SUCIDES AND CONSTANT GREED. FUCK THE GREEDY AND FUCK YOU TOO!!!

SICK OF SNAKY INSURANCE COMPANIES AND SICK OF SHITTY UNIONS AND SHITTY BOSSES AND SHITTY LEADERS AND SHITTY RULES. RULES MADE UP BY THE RULERS. RULES MADE UP BY THE RICH TO KEEP THE POOR AT BAY. RULES MADE UP BY OLD WHITE MEN WITH WHITE HAIR AND WHITE SHINY TEETH. SHINY CARS. SHINY HEADS. SHINY SUITS AND SHINY WIVES. WIVES AND LIVES. MARRIED BUT FORGOTTEN. FORGOTTEN LOOKS AND FORGOTTEN CONFIDENCE. RULES. RULES. RULES. “YOU MUST ALWAYS FOLLOW THE RULES JOHNNY. THAT IS HOW TO SUCCEED IN THIS LIFE. STAY IN SCHOOL. AND STAY OFF DRUGS!!!”

Johnny follows the rules and ends up working in the factory yard of UPS. sending out packages and listening to boring people talking about their boring lives. one package at a time. wasteful garbage being shipped off to wasteful people. wasted lives and wasted wives. the buzzer sounds and the peasants go to the lunch room. no bosses in sight. they are out for fancy lunches in their fancy cars. in useless meetings talking about useless ways to make more money and keep the peasants at bay. sick and sad the way every other corporation is sick and sad. depraved and fat. gluttonous and lacking real intelligence. book intelligence but that doesn’t equal real intelligence. it makes you money but doesn’t make you happy. a never ending chase for the next big deal and the next big bonus. taking trips to Vegas to try and make more money and witness more fake plastic people with fake plastic tits and fake plastic lips. tits and lips and lips and tits. what happens to fake tits when these fake people die? do they remain intact buried under hard dirt and soft soil? is the grave filled with bones and silicone tits?

snakes and dragons and snakes and ladders and snakes and fakes and rakes and pancakes. sloppy seconds filled with sloppy bellies and sloppy bums. sloppy apartments and sloppy lives. each day becoming sloppier. each day becoming sadder. each day becoming closer to death and closer to life after death? really? life after death? lies. lies. lies. we are being told lies. lies after lies after lies. when will this corruption end? when will the elites be overthrown? when will we fight back and take control. at least take control of our own lives.

crazy dreams.

crazy people.

crazy betting apps.

crazy betting commercials.

one shitty commercial after the next.

WHY NOT ADVERTISE PORN WHILE THEY ARE AT IT???

we are sad and pathetic.

i still need money.

i still need love.

i still need a Dad.

i still need to live in a city.

i still need art.

i still need to create.

i still need to avoid bores.

I NEED TO AVOID BORES.

I NEED TO AVOID BORES.

I NEED TO AVOID BORES.

i refuse to lose.

FUCK EVERYONE AND NAMASTE.

Monday morning and looking for work. looking for money. getting old and looking for work is not the way that I planned it when I was younger and hopeful and talented and connected and free. life has taken many turns but I never imagined this one. some have it harder but I can only think of myself at this time. comparisons have never helped nor do they help now. so many jobs and so few opportunities. hanging on by a thread and nowhere to turn. nowhere to hide. daily lists after daily lists and then the week goes by and I am still broke and still searching. still stressed and still lost. job hunting has become less personal and more robotic. nobody wants to meet in person anymore. it makes sense as the jobs that are listed are low paying “nothing” jobs that any semi average person can do. the hunt continues. the lists continue. the daily walks continue. the daily runs continue. the daily meditations continue. the daily medications continue. but the flow of money does not continue.

stay on my clock.

stay on my schedule.

do not allow others to dictate the schedules. dictate my life.

what am I good at?

what sets me on fire?

what gets my creative juices flowing?

what excites me?

what bores me?

human connection is vital but I find myself connecting less and less.

lack of financial stability getting in the way of leading an exciting and fulfilling life.

jobs?

careers?

want to go all in on acting but going all in on acting seems foolish. seems fruitless. seems hopeless.

sitting in limbo is foolish too.

help?

is there any help out there?

silence ensues.

silence ensues.

silence ensues.

I was once a kid sitting on my Dad’s lap laughing and smiling.

now I look at pictures of myself sitting on my Dad’s lap laughing and smiling.

i am crying.

life gone.

years gone.

love gone.

hope gone.

do not let the powers that be ruin your lives. ruin my life.

FIGHT BACK.

do the work.

listen and hear.

so many rules and so little creativity.

we have become machines.

we have become robots.

we have become slaves to the system.

i can’t even get in the system.

gratitude.

gratitude.

gratitude?

LOVE.

CONNECT.

HUMAN BEING.