notanotherphony.

time to write and, as always, when it is time to write my creative juices disappear. lost amidst a busy brain and a lack of confidence. confidence waning as the days pass and my life gets shorter. old age fast approaching and while most people I know are looking at retirement I am searching for a job and searching for a career.

it is another dreary day outside and my dog is at my feet. I have exercised. drank coffee. jerked off. done some laundry. ate lunch and done the dishes. a once exciting life crumbling to it’s knees in a state of boredom and a state of financial stress. constant calls from collection agents have not stopped since I left school over twenty-five years ago. I have not killed myself and that is a victory in and of itself. my life has had many setbacks and many crashes BUT I remain hopeful and I am still able to “get it up” and that is a source of confidence. the day will, eventually, come where I no longer can get hard and no longer be able to fuck and that will be a rough day. my manhood taken away from me. shrivelled up body parts and a shrivelled up mind. sore bones. sore muscles. sore teeth. sore head. sore. lost. sad. lonely. afraid. bored. restless. awake. sleeping. blurry eyes and a blurry mind. I am looking forward to old age. really looking forward to it.

each day passes. human connections made. empty calendars. empty pockets. empty fridge and empty promises. empty governments and empty hearts. pretty soon our world will be filled with empty people doing empty jobs and telling empty stories. rich dull maggots with big lips, big breasts, big teeth and big cars talking amongst each other while looking down on the rest of the human beings that occupy their territory. such a sad game of watching fake women sipping cocktails and talking utter nonsense. shallow and afraid. desperate and weak. wanting a women’s movement while spreading their legs for old perverted rich men with saggy skin but big cars. big wallets and small minds. dull. boring. fake. did I say DULL??? fake tanned women clinging on beside them. wanting to be important but only important for the night. sick sick sick. fake fake fake. dull dull dull. and we follow them? we adore them. we admire them. we are sick and sad. depraved and lost.

the world was once a beautiful place filled with beautiful people and beautiful dreams. now we are hanging on by a fake thread and a fake leader.

i once said, “LOVE EVERYONE”.

now I say, “FUCK EVERYONE.”

the ying and the yang.

where is the healthy balance?

CAMH are you there? I am still waiting. 6 months and counting. i have not killed myself though. But I do not watch bad tv. nor do I listen to bad leaders.

I AM ME.

but I am still getting old and still lost.

namaste?

does anyone really understand addictions? do doctors? do parents? do psychiatrists? do psychotherapists? it is such a volatile word and a volatile affliction. i have struggled over the years with my own bad habits. my own over-indulgence. my own blackouts. my own arrests. my own shame. my own discipline issues. my own manic behaviour and my own dangerous and reckless activities. but am I addicted? one would say “yes” and another would say “no”. the struggles are still real but I feel that I have some control over my behaviour and some coping skills. but what about those who suffer without understanding their problems nor understanding their pain? how do we help those who refuse to see the pain that they cause loved ones. loved ones including themselves? do we sit back and wait? sit back and hope? do we give them tough love? do we seek to understand them? do we let them go? do we forcibly stop them from ever taking drugs or alcohol ever again? and how could we possibly do that? do we have a full on intervention? can we ever save them? can they ever save themselves? expensive rehab facilities with, seemingly, the top of the line doctors and therapists cannot guarantee results. many go back to using within a year of leaving. the pain and hardships that these people cause is staggering and yet the addicted refuse to stop. and I am NOT blaming them. i have dabbled in my own addictive behaviours but, luckily for me and my friends/family, I have managed to survive. I have managed to live. I have managed to pull through…somewhat. But my issues pale in comparison to others. I have seen the insides of long term rehabilitation facilities and I have seen inside the dark and musky walls of the Don Jail and a few others during my rough patch of my earlier years but I survived and I “got better”. somewhat. sure I had some support from family and friends and sure I had love from family and friends and sure I had some tough love and rough times but I know that those who struggle with addictions also get love and never ending support from their family and friends. the extreme pain. the utter frustration. the fears. the shame. the doubts. lost youth and lost lives. the uncertainty. do those who are not addicted nor have addictive personalities truly understand the struggle? the struggle? the struggle?

what to do?

love?

help?

seek help?

seek advice?

get treatment?

what if you got treatment and then relapsed?

family?

friends?

what a terrifying illness.

who to blame?

why blame?

sitting in silence.

“just this one last time”.

“I can control it”.

wow.

sad.

who has survived?

who has survived to tell their story?

how did you survive?

how did you succeed?

what is the secret formula?

what is the secret to success?

love.

unconditional love.

but even with unconditional love the demons arrive.

ticking time bomb?

life.

life is beautiful.

but life is also challenging.

screaming.

crying.

yelling.

we were all little babies at one time.

little babies filled with smiles and laughter.

hugs and kisses.

hope.

hope.

hope.

human heart.

human humanity.

human beings.

open the heart.

open the heart.

open the heart.

unblock the baggage.

tune out the noise.

focus.

love.

compassion.

ADDICTIONS.

IS THERE A WAY TO A BETTER LIFE FOR ALL?

listen.

heart.

DO NOT GIVE UP!!!

ASK FOR HELP!!!

ALWAYS ASK FOR HELP!!!

YOU ARE LOVED!!!

the struggle continues. the experiments continue. the lack of quality “mental health experts” who actually care continues. the struggle is left to the one who is struggling. cute ad campaigns like “Bell Let’s Talk” do very little to help the sufferer. suicide rates continue to rise. suicide victims continue to be forgotten. mental health affecting most people but still not being recognized as something serious enough to be taken seriously. a war rages on in Ukraine. innocent lives lost. The Grammy’s continue. The Oscar’s continue. less quality and more award shows. agendas being met but not improving our society. not improving the product. I rarely see old bald white guys in shows. I rarely see old black bald guys in shows. I rarely see old white/black/asian/indigenous women in shows. Hollywood is sick. The followers are sicker. our society is starved. art can be found but one must search. most prefer one minute Tic Tock videos about NOTHING. Influencers and Brand Ambassadors seemingly more important than real art and real people.

ART? NO. ENTERTAINMENT? NO. DULL AND UNINSPIRED PRODUCT. YES.

copycats and fake smiles. fake dresses and fake lips. everything fake. everything dull.

the untethered soul. breathe and allow. let go and open up your heart. open up to give and open up to receive. life moves quickly and, sometimes, life ends before you start living. be present. try to be present. engage in life. engage in love. quit hiding and running. get out of your comfort zones and do what you want. do what makes you happy. grow. grow daily. try to be positive but also try to be real. do not get bogged down by other people. surround yourself with inspiring people if you want to be inspired. open up and listen to other people’s stories. I met an older guy in the steam room yesterday and he told me about his Dad dying when he was only 32 years old. he got hit on the back of his head during a “takedown” and never recovered. he was a cop in York Region. He went to a few doctor’s and was not diagnosed properly and died. the guy I was talking to said he was only 8 at the time. My Dad died when I was 10. he died suddenly from a brain hemorrhage while coaching soccer one night. he was 36. we spoke for awhile about childhood trauma and life and how trauma affects people. we spoke about everyone having some sort of story in their lives. very few have lived perfect lives. the struggle is real and the struggle is everywhere amongst us. be open and listen. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. ask for help. open up to new friends and new experiences. live life and love life. love life even when it is a struggle or even when there is trauma. grieve when you need to grieve. sleep when you need to sleep. exercise when you need to exercise. love. love always. open heart always. human connection is vital. DO NOT HIDE. be silly. don’t let judgements stop you from doing what you want to do. be alive amongst the dull and dying. be free. be curious. be still but also be moving. moving and shaking. playing and loving. open and honest. observe the beauty.

childhood trauma is real but one must work with it and through it in order to have a better life. a happier life. where to start? where to begin? what to do? who to talk to? what medications to take? the answers are endless but the trust and the disappointments are also endless. who to believe and what to believe. what works for one doesn’t work for another. keep searching. keep meditating. keep trying. keep unlocking. keep breaking down walls. keep attacking the fears. keep addressing the issues. keep listening to the body. open up. open up. open up. stop the fear of being hurt. stop the fear of being alone. stop the fear of disappointing. stop the insanity. stop the struggle.

daily routines.

daily disciplines.

daily meditation.

daily exercise.

daily lists.

daily goals.

daily habits.

daily love.

day after day.

week after week. month after month.

year after year.

and then one day you wake up and you’re 55 with no hair and some zits on your face.

life is cruel.

the problem with mental illness is how do you know if you have a mental illness? society tells you that you don’t and that you just have to buckle down and you have to eat better and sleep better and exercise better and drink less and take your vitamins and strive to be your best and love more and fight less and be zen more and be more still and less frantic and get a great job and listen to your boss and don’t question too much because if you question too much then you will look like a disgruntled employee and nobody wants a disgruntled employee and then you stifle your thoughts and stifle your emotions or let them loose and get fired and then you sit in shame and then people blame and then you seemingly make excuses and then some people tell you to “GROW UP” and then others tell you to go see a psychiatrist and then when you do they say that you have ANXIETY DISORDER OR NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER OR DEPRESSION OR ADHD OR BIPOLAR OR PTSD OR A COMBO OF ALL and then you take meds and take more meds and then your mind is busy and your head hurts so then you complain and want to go off your meds and then others tell you to stay on your meds and others tell you to smoke weed and then you try that and that doesn’t work so you are frustrated and then edgy and lost and then people tell you to “FORGET IT ALL AND LIVE YOUR LIFE” but your mind is still foggy and your head is sore and your vision is blurry but then you have a few good days and you are excited again and think that it will all work out but then you have a bad day and want to go off your meds or change your meds or get another diagnosis as you are convinced that no one has really taken the time to diagnose you properly and if they do take the time then there is a huge waiting list for that type of psychiatrist and you are left frustrated again and lost again and hopeless again and then in your head again and wanting help but people are fed up with listening and fed up with helping and then you sit in shame again.

and while all of this is happening in your mind there is a needless war going on and many needless deaths and The Kardashians are still making millions and billions for a product that is phony and sick. phony and sad.

gas prices are going up.

house prices are going up.

face is pulsating.

“YOU’VE GOT TO BARE DOWN.”

MEDITATE. MIND STILL FOGGY.

and now back at square one.

we are all left to fend for ourselves.

I AM A WARRIOR.

the fake and phony continues to rear it’s ugly head. ugly heads. fake plastic people in fake plastic homes with fake plastic cars and fake plastic lips. fake and phony. phony and fake. fake accents on fake faces with fake hair and fake bodies. fake minds and fake souls with fake friends and fake shows. fake and phony. phony and fake. how has our society become so sick? so malnourished? so sad? so dull? so lost? so plastic? so hard? so blocked? so lonely? so desperate? so blocked? so sheltered?

sad lives following sad people. watching sad shows and listening to sad music. shows and music with fake hearts and fake souls.

where is the truth? where is the honesty? where is the heart? where is the soul? hearts and souls blocked beneath red bricks and red lips. hearts and souls longing for love and connection but being driven further and further away by mindless television and mindless noise.

artists calling themselves artists while offering up little of themselves. offering up fake opinions from fake instagram accounts and fake boardrooms. fake smiles hiding empty souls and empty hearts. emptiness better…much better than blockages. blockages lead to destruction and death. death and destruction.

human connection. human connection. human connection. i love everyone with open hearts and open minds. i would like to love everyone with blocked hearts and blocked minds too but I find the work exhausting. i find the lack of connection exhausting. i find the lack of love exhausting. exhausting and sad. life continues moving. it is moving faster as I get older. day planners filled with irrelevance. finding relevance in a phony world. finding relevance in a phony world. finding relevance in a phony world.

FINDING RELEVANCE IN A PHONY WORLD.

RESTLESS AND REAL.

NOT DULL AND PHONY.

real people.

real stories.

real emotions.

real.

FINDING RELEVANCE IN A PHONY WORLD.