notanotherphony.

i sit in the dark because i don’t want to bother Murphy, my dog. it’s 6am and I can hear the wind howling outside. cold wind. cold air. snow. early winter mornings are tough but I love winter. love being outside. love the fresh air. wrist is sore. shoulder is sore. old age beginning. memory fading. skin sagging. hopes fading. opportunities waning. bank account shrinking. i just need a job to make some money but even JUST getting a job seems difficult these days. so confused as to what to do. what I want to to do. STUCK in my decision making process. need to sit down in silence and listen to my gut. sun is rising now. a new day. want my hair back. want my beard back. i look much older with my long bald scraggly grey hair but I feel better. maybe I am too exposed with my buzzed head and trimmed down beard. vulnerability. the power of vulnerability. great book. soooo truthful. the more vulnerable I am the better I am. empathy is huge too and I have a lot of it when I don’t wear a mask. human connection is big for me too. too or to? murphy is such a loving dog. he clings to me and drives me crazy, at times, but he is so LOVING. his eyes are so piercing.

Rylee is such a great kid and I wish I had a closer relationship with her. a vulnerable and caring and empathetic relationship. i will make that one of my goals. “be there” for her emotionally. really “be there”. Triggy is great too but she has put up too many walls. she’s too afraid to be seen. she has endured a lot of hurt in her life. she has chosen the path of shutting down and shutting out. but I will continue to try and help her break down her walls. underneath the walls is a beautiful human being with a beautiful heart and a beautiful soul.

FAMILY.

woke up to a message from the bank stating that we are in “overdraft” again. constant struggle to make money in this world filled with bankers, politicians, real estate brokers, and fraudsters. constant struggle to find good work with good people, good bosses, and good wages. the most despicable human beings revered while the nice ones are left to rot on sides of highways and sides of garbage bins. I have to ask myself, “why do I get sucked into their game? why? why? why?

there has to be a better way.

there has to be more fire.

less pleasing.

more passion.

less rules.

FIGHT THE SYSTEM AND FUCK THE SYSTEM.

why can’t I nail down a goal or nail down a project or execute a goal or a project?

questions to ask myself.

questions to ponder.

bored but then do something that “UNBORES ME”.

my wrist is sore.

my hands are wrinkled.

the wrong people want to walk with me.

no one wants to hear me but I have to listen to them. sad, dull, depressing, angry, boring stories from old washed up men.

i have the most interesting stories. the most interesting ideas. the most interesting stories with interesting characters and delivered with an interesting energy.

TELL MY STORIES.

WHY CAN’T I COMMIT TO “FUCK EVERYONE???”

NO ONE CARES.

MONEY RULES EVERYTHING.

houses.

cars.

trips.

clothes.

food.

gas.

classes.

glasses.

notanotherphony.

real people.

real stories.

real emotion.

JUST DO IT.

DON’T GET BOGGED DOWN BY DULL PEOPLE TELLING DULL STORIES.

woke up early and had a fantastic shit. it felt so good. the Senokot to the rescue once again. my belly shrunk by three inches and my weight shrunk by three pounds. it is a gloomy and miserable day outside and I have had my first coffee. i have also had some yogurt which is a first for me this year. zero consistency in my life and zero productivity. bank account low and almost not there. hope is waning although I continue to try and put on a brave face. the system bothers me and the workforce pains me. so many useless jobs making huge amounts of money and so many extremely useful jobs making so little. how did this happen? great music hard to find along with great movies and great books. shitty music and shitty movies and shitty books very accessible and very popular. shitty fast food restaurants continue to serve millions while small family run restaurants with great food and great service struggle to stay afloat.

i can’t even get a job.

am i too old?

am i too honest?

am i too authentic?

am I too passionate and too talkative?

job hirings being done through websites and little human interaction. little human connection. a fast life that keeps moving but no one knows where it is moving to and nobody cares where it is moving to. fast cars. fast videos. fake faces. fake smiles. fake batons and fake purses. fake jewellery and fake media.

i am cold but soon I will be sweating. i am quickly becoming old and that scares me and saddens me. life has been such a struggle at times but my life has also been filled with so many great experiences with great family and great friends. many fucks. many drunken nights. many blurry nights and wasted days. a free life on one hand and a tormented life on the other. the tormented side the most fun. bored. boring. dull. slow. lost. found? loss. death. near death. near loss. lost friends. lost girlfriends. lost Dad. lost jobs. lost innocence. lost hair. lost passions. lost purpose. lost fun. lost excitement. lost mind. lost money. lost childhood. lost love. lost. lost. lost. hope?

HOPE?

stomach grumbling. feeling nervous but I have nothing to feel nervous about. Murphy at my feet protecting me. he is always protecting me. he is always loving me. he is always there for me. dog. a man’s best friend. I will be so sad when he dies. death is sad. i don’t want it to be sad but it is. silence. lessen the noise. lessen the rules. lessen the noose. life continues to move at an alarmingly fast pace. so many skillsets and no job and no money. antsy and restless but don’t trust that any of my ideas and any of my art and any of my purpose will be rewarded with any money. looking for a factory job while Doug Ford runs our province. looking for a factory job while Justin Trudeau runs our country. life is insane. insanity is normality.

i should trim my beard and look presentable. i also should buy new running shoes. i can run for hours and hours and hours and then drink for hours and hours and hours. extremes. energy to burn but nothing to burn it on. messy room. messy mind. messy life. life is messy. but life is beautiful.

thirty became fifty very quickly. fifty will become seventy very quickly. seventy will become ninety very quickly. who am I trying to please and why? the morality police are on high alert but they’re not offering up anything unique nor anything exciting to replace the cancelled ones. “LIFE IS SO NICE AS LONG AS WE ALL GET ALONG AND ALL SING THE PRAISES OF EACH OTHER AND ALL DO AVERAGE WORK WITH AVERAGE PEOPLE AND AVERAGE OPINIONS.” i can now go to bed. smiling and nervous. “I HOPE I DIDN’T OFFEND ANYONE TODAY.”

robots and robots and robots and robots and robots and robots and robots and robots and robots.

so many hours in a day.

so much sadness in this world.

so much money and so many resources.

how to live my last chapter of my last life?

i need peace.

peace within me.

but I am not a peaceful guy.

change or not change?

that is the question.

the latest rant from the woke cultured sheep is the outrage and disgust against Leo Dicaprio and his young girlfriend. he is almost fifty years old and she is nineteen I believe. “she is still a kid”, they say. NO SHE IS NOT. SHE IS AN ADULT BASED ON THE LAWS IN THE US. “this is just another abuse of power!!!”, they continue to rant. how do they know if it’s an abuse of power? Leo is a powerful actor sure. but this woman is a successful model. and maybe that doesn’t even matter. the straight facts seem to be (although this isn’t even confirmed) Leo at forty-eight is dating this model, Eden Polani, who is nineteen. we really don’t know much more than that. how can the woke mob decide that this is, in fact, an abuse of power? so any man who is dating a younger women is, automatically, accused of an abuse of power? Could it possibly be love? could it possibly be lust from both sides? could it be possible that they are just enjoying life and having fun and, really, hurting no one? could it be possible that she is “using” him for his fame and his fortune and opportunities? the possibilities are endless. life is filled with endless possibilities.

who has become our moral compass? and where do these morals come from?

so it is “okay” to be gay. it once wasn’t. I love everyone.

it is “”okay” to be a transgender person. it once wasn’t. i love everyone.

it is okay to have sex before marriage for most. at one point it wasn’t. i love everyone.

it is okay to have a beard. at one point it wasn’t. i love everyone.

it is okay to smoke marijuana. at one point it wasn’t. i love everyone.

someone said that “she is barely out of high school and she can’t even drink because you have to be twenty-one to drink in the states. she is still a kid!!!” who decided that you can’t drink until you are twenty-one but you can drive at sixteen and you can go to war at eighteen and you can be finished three years of college (so you should know what you want to do with your life by eighteen) by the time you can drink? these ages seem random. random laws by random people. does anyone know when we really become an adult? and aren’t we all different as much as we are the same? and why do we care so much about Leo and what he is up to? still not doing anything illegal. why are we so infatuated with rich celebrities and their lives? why does anyone watch The Kardashians? why do we parade around young girls and boys and they become sex objects to sell movies and to sell music but then we attack any man for liking these girls? our entertainment industry sells sex but then frowns upon anyone who takes them up on their supposed offerings.

we are a sick society and nobody cares until something “shocking” happens. shocking to them not to others.

there is sex trafficking going on daily but nobody bats an eyelash or an eyelid.

pornography is rampant and easily accessible to anyone at any age and no one bats an eyelash or an eyelid.

there are needless wars with so many needless deaths and horrific injuries and losses of innocent children and lost mothers and tortured fathers but no one bats an eyelash or an eyelid.

poverty.

real abuses of power by governments.

murders.

rapes.

shootings.

TTC assaults and murders.

car accidents.

devastating drug trafficking and devastating homelessness and no one bats an eyelash or an eyelid.

rising prices on everything.

rising cases of poverty.

rising crime rates.

rising problems with our health care.

inner cities that are rat infested and drug infested and lack any hope…no one bats an eyelid or an eyelash.

celebrity sex tapes.

failed botox experiments.

failed marriages. fifty per cent of marriages end in divorce. who sold us on the idea of getting married? is getting married normal? or do we force marriage upon our people? why do we listen and who are we listening to? why don’t we challenge any of these rules? any of these laws?

why is Leo disgusting again?

why do we care again?

our society (FAKE SOCIETY) is consumed with youth and, yet, when we act on our human impulses we are deemed “disgusting.”

ageism exits for both men and women.

i thought that we were all about inclusivity and non judgements. that’s what I was told. that’s what I hear.

so is our society about inclusivity and non judgements as long as it fits someone’s agenda? and whose agenda is this?

our society is becoming more lost. more woke. more sick. more dull. more judgemental. more angry. more hopeless. less artistic. less free. less intelligent. less accepting. less passionate.

rules.

laws.

judgements.

celebrity culture.

celebrity worship.

celebrity phoniness.

i wonder how many of our wives would fuck Leo if they ran into him at some random bar in some random town?

AWARENESS BY ANTHONY DE MELLO.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BOOK.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND LISTENING TO KC ACCIDENTAL.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND WATCHING MAGNOLIA.

read more.

consume less tmz.

fuck more.

drink more.

exercise more.

engage in good conversation more often.

life, for me, is difficult enough to worry about who Leo is dating or fucking or sucking or playing with.

i hope he’s happy.

i hope she’s happy.

laws…who makes them?

another week begins. another week of hope. feeling constipated again but I am aware of this and I know what to do to fix this or combat this. now to put my thoughts and awareness into action.

books to the right of me. books to the left. a never ending search for something that excites me. something that moves me. something that inspires me. something that shakes me. i am searching and searching and will continue to search but at some point the search will be over and my life will be over. when does the search end? i have a messy room. books. jackets. more books. more jackets. pens. notebooks. pictures. scripts. taxes. receipts. tripod. printer. lamps. stereo. broken computers and broken thoughts. broken dreams and broken plans. a world of brokenness and a world of hoplessness with periodic bouts of hoplefullness.

hot. sweaty. agitated. restless. tired. still hot. still sweaty. too much coffee. too much wine. too many beers. too much pizza. too much energy or too little focus. still hot. still sweaty. mind semi foggy. stomach rumbling. nauseous. IS IT TOO HOT IN HERE!!!! IS THIS A MAN PERIOD THAT I AM EXPERIENCING??? IS THERE SUCH A THING???

i need fresh air. i need extreme weather. i need extreme pleasure. i need extreme pain. i need extreme excitement. i need extreme days and extreme nights. lost in the suburbs and rotting away. rotting away with the rest of the corpses. day by dreary day. week by dreary week. month by dreary month. year by dreary year. each day we get older and each day we are closer to death. closer to the end. are you happy or sad or content or miserable or depressed or angry or horny or lost? lost and forgotten. forgotten and lost. lust and lost. lustful and lost. lost and found. do we still have lost and founds? or do people find and keep. individualism over community. the american dream over love and togetherness. big boats and big cars. big houses and big scars. hidden secrets and hidden emotions. big smiles on the outside and severe pain on the inside. ALWAYS PUT ON A SMILING FACE. ALWAYS LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE. POWER OF POSITIVITY OVER THE POWER OF AUTHENTICITY. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO TRUTH? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HONESTY? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO VULNERABILITY? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO SOCIETY? WHERE HAVE WE GONE WRONG? WHERE HAVE I GONE WRONG? HAVE I GONE WRONG OR AM I IN THE WRONG COUNTRY IN THE WRONG TIMES? LOST FREEDOMS AND LOST ART. LOST OPINIONS AND LOST DOGS. when I was a kid my dog, Snoopy, got run over by a TTC bus. the young girl who was walking our dog was devastated. so were we. sad. sad puppy dog eyes and sad human hearts. i wished dogs lived longer. i never want to see Murphy die. it will be so sad. he is such a great dog. so loving. so caring. so full of energy. so passionate. so free. dogs can teach us so much.

why get a dog if you do not want to walk your dog? get a rabbit.

i’m still hot.

i’m still sweaty.

my beard is dripping coffee all over the table.

i need to shave. or maybe I just need to trim.

why is my life filled with extremes?

acceptance is key.

but what to do with my acceptance is also key.

key.

key to life.

DO THESE TEN THINGS AND GIVE ME THIS AMOUNT OF MONEY AND YOU WILL BE SUCCESSFUL…EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT.

i really need a purpose.