notanotherphony.

my birthday has come and gone. not much of a celebration. Covid taking it’s toll. Covid flexing it’s muscles. when will this pandemic or endemic end? is it real? has our government failed us again? do our leaders care about us all or do they care about themselves and their rich friends. is greed the death of us? has love been replaced by money and objects? has love been replaced by money and distractions? nonsensical movies and fluffy music. bad video games and bad tv. bad conversations and bad breath. bad behaviour and bad cars. bad food and bad people. are we all on a never ending cycle to get back to our youth? days of play. days of fun. days of life. days of hope. is our society speeding to the end of life? speeding cars. speeding opinions. speeding seasons. speeding calendars. speeding life. lives coming to an end and filled with regrets and sadness and lost hope and lost love. no hugs. no kisses. no parties. no trips. no crowds. no humanity. when does it end? where does it end? how does it end? who ends it? WHO ends it??? WHO…WHO…WHO…are they alive? are they helping? where has Julian Assange gone? has he disappeared the way the way that Edward Snowden has disappeared? what happened to Che Guevara? What about Martin Luther King Jr? Malcolm X? the real heroes have all disappeared while the corrupt leaders are still alive and still in charge. why do we allow this? so many lies. so much deception. forced agendas instead of real human connection. lives continuing on but mired in doubt. mired in debt. mired in pain. mired in childhood trauma but sweeping the trauma under the carpet and then passing on our wonderful wisdom to the next generation of lost souls and lost hearts. “all you need is love. love is all you need.” talk. speak. speaking. talking. connecting. listening. hearing. loving. hugging. kissing. fucking. raw. real. alive. free. freedom. free from lies. free from doubt. free from shame. free from pain. free from a busy mind and free from a blocked heart. the goal of my life is freedom. real freedom. NOT the government issued kind. the kind that keeps most down while allowing the top few percent to thrive. GANDHI…where is he? who was he? what happened to him? passions. purpose. life. keep chipping away at walls. keep my eyes open. keep my curiosity alive. be curious. always be curious.

Covid-19. have we learned anything? real estate prices going up as people are losing jobs. why? gas prices going up as people are losing jobs. why? bank fees going up as people are losing jobs. why? hydro rates are going up as people are losing jobs. why? how is all of this possible? we are headed for a major depression and the housing market is still on fire. why? how? how to become truly free from our system. how to be self sufficient. how to be human in a concrete world. a world filled with smartphones and bad podcasts. podcasts filled with nothingness. similar to movies filled with nothingness and malls filled with nothingness and books filled with nothingness and music filled with nothingness. we applaud the wrong people. we appreciate the wrong people. we worship the wrong people. sheep following sheep. phonies following phonies.

DO NOT OBEY.

DO NOT SURRENDER.

DO NOT LISTEN IF THE MESSAGE IS FILLED WITH LIES.

BE CRITICAL.

CRITICAL THINKER IN A PASSIVE WORLD.

critical thinking.

free feeling.

emotionally critical.

critically emotional.

what is underneath my wall?

what is underneath my wall?

what is underneath my wall?

keep exploring.

today is a new day.

i still love life.

the struggles continue. good days and bad. therapy now bringing me back to my youth, once again. lack of confidence. lack of self esteem. where did these issues begin? how was my childhood? did I have anxiety that was masked as hyperactive? did my playing of sports hide my insecurities? did I suffer in silence. did I suffer? how many masks did I wear? how many masks do I own? who is the real me? i am about to turn fifty-four and I am back to square one. back to ground zero. i still suffer with adhd but still no help. still the wrong meds. still too expensive for real help. i still run daily. i still meditate daily. life continues. i wish that I had a normal brain. i wish I have a normal brain. why does mine wander so much? why is mine so foggy? god are you out there? have you ever been out there? i seem fine on the outside. i seem smart. i seem talented. i seem passionate. i seem driven. i seem healthy. but I am seemingly lost. seemingly sad. seemingly confused. seemingly scared. seemingly abandoned. seemingly lacking love. unconditional love. but I don’t need it now I needed it then? did I get it? and if I have to ask the question then I should know the answer but my brain deceives me. my memories elude me. my seemingly happy childhood may have been filled with smiling masks and an empty heart. what to do now? how can I be healthy now? how do I gain confidence now? self esteem. confidence. stay still. be big. be bold. scream. move and shake. “oh no. you should be still. you are deflecting when you are moving so much.” i am lost. i am confused. hopeful? not so much anymore. time seems to be going quicker as my confidence seems to be draining. is this Covid? is this me? has my whole life been a lie? am I just a little weak and sad kid hidden by a burly beard and a loud bark? FUCK!!!!!!

my hands are wrinkled. my teeth are rotting. my hair is falling out. my body is still strong but when that goes do I fall deeper? how deep can one go? can you fix the issue? what is the issue? adhd? anxiety? self esteem? confidence? childhood trauma? lack of real and unconditional love? and if one does not get real and unconditional love as a child does he or she search their whole lives for approval? and is that game always a losing game? does that create extreme happiness with extreme sadness? i am tired. my vision is blurry. covid is draining me. lack of human contact is fucking with me. being a kid was so much easier even with so much pain. tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. my birthday is fast approaching. will I drink alone on my couch again? FIRE. BALLS. PASSION. CONVICTION. fire. f i r e. balls. b a l l s. passion. p a s s i o n. conviction? i am tired and I want to go to bed. but I hate sleeping. what to do? what to do? i am always wondering what to do? i used to wonder who to do but not anymore. now it is what to do? what do I want to be when I grow up?? that will be the saying on my gravestone. why do I make life so difficult? so many solutions but the solutions seem impossible. my fucking brain fucking with me!!!!!

RUN.

HIKE.

DOG WALK.

FOGGY.

FOGGY.

FOGGY.

I AM TIRED.

I AM TIRED.

I AM TIRED.

TAKE OFF MY MASK.

WHO AM I?

it is 1:11pm.

i don’t want to meditate.

I WANT TO RUN FREE!!!

I WOULD PREFER TO BE A WILD ANIMAL.

I HATE TALKING.

I HATE THINKING.

I ONLY WANT TO FEEL.

i like to cry.

i love to cry.

i think i also love to laugh.

i sometimes love to scream and yell.

i hate feeling anxious.

me.

be me.

be I.

self.

authentic self.

manic and confused.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Broke my ribs on Thursday. Painful. painful to breathe. painful to sneeze. painful to cough. painful to sleep. fell down on ice while walking my dog. didn’t have enough time to put my hands down. I also have had a breakout of zits on my neck. I am bald too. broken nose. some people are born beautiful. others are born not so beautiful. they have to work for what they get. such is life. i would rather be a man than a model looking man. not that I am much of a man. i don’t know how to fix cars. i don’t know how to hang up appliances. i don’t know how to build a deck or a fence. I am a thinker. I am a talker. I am a man who loves to engage in conversation and loves helping others. but only when those “others” ask for help. My mind is still foggy. i am trying Zoloft and Adderall together now. my doctor has given up as she said that I just go in circles and she’s not wrong but this is part of mental illness. if I went in a straight line I wouldn’t be asking her for help. our society talks a big game but very little is actually done about mental health. i know that there are big initiatives just like there are big initiatives with race issues and poverty issues but do these big initiatives just line the pockets of friends and family? millions of money going here. millions of money going there. this and that and that and this. big words. big programs but I am on an ADHD Forum on Facebook and the amount of people struggling and trying to figure their shit out without the help of good doctors is astounding. it is quite sad. it makes me feel better about my situation but that’s not what the forum is for. it is supposed to bring us all together and provide resources for others struggling with the same illness the same condition. I am worried about the Adderall but I am on a low dose. I am aware that it is working at this precise moment as my head is pulsating. meds. no meds. marijuana. no marijuana. cbd oils. mushrooms. maybe I need new glasses. i am getting old. i see my hands are beginning to wrinkle. I need to start putting on Oil of Olay. does that work? can anybody help me? there are lots of creams and there are lots of meds and there are lots of doctors with lots of opinions but many just spin in circles. well, at least, I am not consumed by bad tv and bad movies. i also can’t stand fluffy music by fluffy boys. nor do I like fluffy music by fluffy girls. but the girls are better to look at. is that sexist? is everything sexist? is everything racist? is everything homophobic? i am old and I am white. is that now a curse. i still struggle. do you want me to prove it? i can prove that my life is more of a struggle than your’s. do you wanna bet?

i drove down a quiet road last night in a quiet car listening to my peaceful music quietly and it made me feel love. love is always better than hate. understanding is better than talking. empathy over chaos.

i am getting called down by my wife.

i am cutting this short.

i don’t want to ramble.

i will try and cut back on my coffee intake today as the stimulant medication is kicking in.

BREATHE.

BREATHE.

BREATHE.

I NEVER WANT TO DIE AND I REALLY REALLY REALLY MISS EVERYONE.

I HOPE WE CAN ALL HAVE ONE BIG LOUD GET TOGETHER WHEN THIS PANDEMIC ENDS.

damn zits.

i am 53 and still get zits!!!!!!!!!

a beautiful run today at Island Lake. It was cold but sunny and the benefits of the sun outweighed the feelings of cold. it always does. i now sit at my computer wanting to write but not really knowing what to write about. mental health is at the top of my mind. it always is. but what to say about it is another thing altogether. it is Bell Let’s Talk day today and everyone champions this noble cause by Bell but as much as this initiative gets people talking which is great…what if you are already talking but nobody is listening? what do you do then? I have been talking for over thirty years but I’ve never fully received the help I have needed. ADHD is a tricky ailment. a tricky condition. most people don’t really understand what it really is. they think it is an illness which makes kids hyper and problematic. it makes kids restless and toxic. it makes kids angry and rude. but it is much more than that. first of all it affects adults too. as much as my ADHD affected me as a kid and into my early adult years it seemingly affects me more now. back then I would play sports and drink heavily and fuck lots of girls and get into fights and work numerous jobs and get arrested and get into fights and then fuck more girls and go on random trips and sleep at random houses in random towns and go to various schools and still be in high school at the age of twenty-three and I was still happy. still hopeful. still dreaming. still fucking. still playing. still acting. still making people laugh and making friends wherever I went despite all of my problems. but the problems never went away as I aged and continued to struggle. the struggle is not debilitating. i am functioning. i never feel like killing myself. i appear smart and I appear happy and am always hopeful. always alive. always energized. but deep inside I am lost. confused. scattered. some days are great and then others are foggy. I am extremely hard on myself. I sit down to work. sit down to type. sit down to make list after list after list that goes untouched. unfulfilled. I have over sixty notebooks with three hundred stories scattered all over my house. all over my brain. I know that I am capable of so much more and yet my foggy mind gets in the way of my foggy life. it is hard to be confident when you are not sure if your brain will suddenly freeze. suddenly scatter.

now at the age of fifty-three I have a family. a family of three. a loving family of three who need me as much as I need them. but my confusion and fogginess does not help. what was once fun and games despite the struggles and the arrests is now torment. is now shameful. is now frustrating. frustrating and scary. will I ever get ahold of my ADHD? will I ever get the help that I need? will I ever thrive? will anyone ever really understood what I am going through? do people know what I do daily to function? do we ever really know what anyone does? do our governments really care? and if they don’t care that is fine but I wish they would stop pretending that they do.

poverty sucks.

our world is flawed.

our leaders are sick.

our system is a sham.

people are good.

most professions are really not needed but pay pretty well.

“good help is hard to find.”

perseverance is key.

don’t quit.

signs.

signs.

signs.

heed the warnings.

read the signs.

love people.

do not let the maggots win.

i wonder why more people who are desperate do not do more desperate things?

open your eyes.

open my eyes.

blurry but always trying to see more clearly.

watch.

listen.

observe.

does anybody really listen anyway?

create.

create.

create.

“what sets you on fire???”

my day.

ma journee.

at a glance.

2020.

2021.

2018.

1981.

random years in a random life.

“what are you going to be when you grow up?”

GROW UP!!!

GROW UP!!!

GROW UP!!!

“WHY DID YOU DO THAT??? WHY DID YOU DO THAT??? WHY DID YOU COME SO FAST???”

“i’m sorry.”

i opened the door and then got out of the old man’s car. i thanked him for molesting me and said “bye”.

WHY?

why?

WhY?

bye.

still 53. still dealing with ADHD. still dealing with Anxiety seemingly caused by my ADHD. over forty years of therapy and over forty years of doctors and over forty years of meds and over forty years of books and over forty years of frustration and seemingly at the same spot. STUCK. looking for answers. looking for help. always looking for answers. always looking for help. i feel bloated today too. too much coffee. too much cream. too much sugar. everything is too much except for help with my ADHD. that seems to elude me. one week after a thorough analysis from a specialized doctor at CAMH and still stuck taking the same meds that don’t work. still stuck searching for qualified ADHD doctors. still suck searching for ADHD coaches. a phone appointment with my family physician today still in search of help turned into shaming and frustration. her on me. her frustrated. me shamed. “You keep going around in circles. what do you think your CAMH appt was for? We’ve been down this road before. You’re just spinning and spinning!!! I will not change your medications again as you have tried all of those stimulants and Straterra and you are never happy with them!!!” she said with frustration.

“Well hasn’t CAMH emailed you with his recommendations? his assessment?” I asked with confidence but feeling shame.

“No. But that’s what CAMH are like. They are very slow.”

“Okay…well I’ll continue to take the Zoloft even though the CAMH specialist told me that Zoloft works against ADHD.”

“I don’t know what to tell you other than try emailing CAMH.” she continued.

“Okay. Thanks.” I replied.

And with that I hung up the phone and drove in shame and frustration down to my Covid Test. Still searching. still trying. still frustrated. still confused. mind still foggy. body bloated. hair falling out and what’s left going grey. sweating. pasty mouth. foggy mind. hopeful…always hopeful but always frustrated.

mental health.

let’s all talk about mental health.

talk can be good but for me talk is cheap.

why is our system so flawed?

I tried researching our various governments and various parties to find out who is the biggest proponent of funding to mental health issues but the info is so confusing and so scattered that I gave up. that is always the case with government issues and government policies. lots of promises. lots of big numbers thrown around. lots of smiles and lots of bluster but no clear platforms. no clear answers. no clear info. talk. all talk. all confusion. all white smiles and white lies. and the frustration continues.

why is there not more mandatory physical activity for kids? I believe phys ed has been reduced at schools even prior to Covid. why? physical exercise has been proven to help in dealing with mental health issues. why are there NOT more commercials for physical exercise and the benefits? why are there NOT more commercials for the benefits of healthy eating? we have government sponsored Covid commercials which is great BUT we should also have government sponsored commercials for healthy eating and physical exercise. why wait until kids have issues until we treat? until we medicate? why not be proactive instead of reactive? who do I talk with about this? how do I get my voice heard?

do people really care about mental illness unless they have a family member who has it? and even then…do they really understand it? Is it similar to other issues in the world? racism? sexism? poverty? if you haven’t experienced it then try as you may but you just won’t understand it. can’t understand it. there are so many issues in the world and we only have so much time so do people generally only care about issues that affect them? do I do this too? is it better for me to understand this? does it make things easier or harder? are we all alone in this world? not in a negative way. just a factual way. empathy is huge. empathy is great. empathy is fantastic. love is real. love is good. love is love.

is greed more important than life?

exercise.

eat healthy.

do not consume garbage.

do not get caught up with toxic people.

read.

connect.

human connection.

don’t hide.

love.

be curious.

it is sunny outside.

i meditated today for the 15th day in a row.

i feel good despite my frustrations.

many people are worse off than me.

many people are better off than me.

i hope that I can help people who need help.

i am good at talking.

i am good at listening.

i am good at understanding.

i appear to judge people but I am one of the least judgmental people I know. real. raw.

doctor?

doctor’s?

hello?

hello?

do you need help?

do you know what ADHD is?

itch.

scratch the itch.

fix one and release the other.

need more awareness.

need more funding.

need funding to go to tangible things NOT gimmicks.

need more love and less greed.

i guess at some point we will all die.

i hope that I die loving and living.

NO REGRETS.

NO REGRETS.

NO REGRETS.

NO MAS.