notanotherphony.

I have finally picked up everyone’s clothes.  now it is time to do the dishes.  then the laundry.  then cook dinner or get take-out.  out to get meds.  not mine this time.  then walk the dog.  then feed the dog.  then pick up the dog from doggy daycare.  then a few other errands.  then to the gym.  then pick up my wife from work.  then answer some texts.  then answer some emails.  speak with Rogers again for a half an hour.  still nothing really resolved after my epic three and a half hour talk yesterday.  wife and daughter asleep.  wife sick.  daughter beside her.  me…all alone upstairs.  always alone upstairs.  lonely days.  lonely nights.  living away from people I want to be around.  wondering what the next ten years has in store.  wondering when will things change for the better.  wondering if things will ever change for the better.  how much more does one man have to do to be “better”.  exercise daily.  reading daily.  writing daily.  trying my hardest to eat healthier daily.  breathing daily.  empathy daily.  listening to other’s daily.  helping other’s daily.  no money but still spending a hundred dollars in pizzas for the striking teachers.  waiting for monies owed to me.  the wait is always longer than when one has to give.  customer service no longer a “thing”.

living away from an urban center is difficult.

life is short.

boredom is long.

The Joker was great.  some say “overacting”?  Really?  most performances are underacted and boring.  finally a Hollywood movie with a point.  with a purpose.  with a heartbeat.

if one knows that exercise is good for them why wouldn’t one exercise?

EXTREME OWNERSHIP.

most have too many excuses.

look in the mirror.

another day down the proverbial sewer.  what does proverbial mean?

humanity lost amidst extreme capitalism.  money does not buy happiness.  some money does but there comes a point where it no longer does.  one car.  two cars.  three cars.  one house.  two houses.  three houses.  golfing.  vacationing.  dining.  “I’LL TAKE IT.”  beats sitting down on a shitty couch watching shitty shows in a shitty town.  boredom reigns supreme.

life is sad when you have nothing to live for.

life is sad when you have no purpose.

life is sad when you have loads of energy.  loads of passion.  loads of intelligence.  loads of charisma.  loads of smarts.  loads of friends.  BUT SIT IN FRONT OF A TV ON A COUCH IN A SMALL TOWN.

it is going to snow on Saturday.  WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK.

doug ford and his puppet sidekick trying to bring back “the founding fathers” the way trump is trying to bring back “the founding fathers”.  when will we wake up and stop these greedy puppets from running our towns.  running our cities.  running our provinces.  running our countries.

most people bore me.

most people would rather make love to money than make love to human beings.

does life end in your twenties?

are we dying a slow death.  when is the peak?  when is your peak?  why not make this year be your peak?

EXTREME OWNERSHIP.

STOP BLAMING.

MINDSET BIG.

there should be classes on mindsets.  how much does French matter these days unless you live in Quebec or France?

uncomfortable.

hot.

sweaty.

shitty chair.

sore back.

restless.

bored.

need comfort.

need to stand.

need to move.

always need to move.

humanity needed.

but craziness also needed.

safety is boredom and boredom is boring.  boring lives.  boring towns.  boring jobs.  boring food.  boring beer.  boring conversations.  boring leaders.  boring hockey.  boring baseball.  boring debates.  boring life.

boring life.

boring life.

boring life.

all work and no play makes jack a dull boy.

stretch the back.

open my eyes.

slow my mind.

life quickly moving.

1984?

2001?

2020.

I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT I HAVE MADE IT TO 2020.

I am so bored with people.

I am so bored with people.

I am so bored with people.

life is boring when you are with boring people.

life is exciting when you are with exciting people.

“that’s right Mrs. Fisher.  you are always right.”

Jack Tait…are you still there???

life is so fucking difficult when you have more than yourself to look after.

time for bed.

alone.

upstairs.

sad.

FUN.

FUN.

FUN.

LIFE SHOULD BE FUN.  NEWS BULLETIN…WE ALL DIE.

life continuing to move forward.  to move fast.  to move in all directions.  dog barking.  already had a walk but he can be as needy as other’s for my time.  my energy.  I feel that I am always giving away my time.  my energy.  my life.  but I will take ownership for my life.  my problems.  my wins and my many losses.  LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

one minute of peace as my dog has stopped barking and I am able to type with a foggy tired brain.  a tired foggy brain taking in Sinead O’Connor’s, SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL.  but alas, I hear a garbage truck.  now a snowmobile.  mind speeding up.  breath stinky.  too much coffee.  too many pills.  too much stimulation.  not enough action.  not enough connection.  human connection is needed.  always needed.  always missed.  I lack human connection.  BUT I TAKE OWNERSHIP.  EXTREME OWNERSHIP.

BORED.  SO BORED.  ANOTHER DAY.  ANOTHER DOLLAR.  WHAT A SHITTY SAYING.  I WANT TO LIVE.  TO LIVE A FULL LIFE FILLED WITH ADVENTURE AND PASSION AND CREATIVITY AND DISCUSSIONS AND GREAT WINE AND BETTER TALKS AND GOOD FILMS WITH GOOD FOOD.  CITY LIVING IS LIVING.  SUBURBAN LIVING IS DYING.  DYING A SLOW DEATH IN MALLS AND HOCKEY ARENAS AND DOCTOR’S OFFICES AND SCHOOL ASSEMBLIES AND FITNESS GYMS AND TIM HORTON’S.  CITY LIVING IS FILLED WITH GREAT RESTAURANTS AND GREAT COFFEE SHOPS AND GREAT CINEMAS AND GREAT DIVERSITY AND GREAT MUSIC AND GREAT HOUSES AND GREAT LIBRARIES.  I LOVE CITIES.  I HATE SUBURBS.  BORING.  BORED.  TIRED.  RESTLESS.  STRUGGLE.  FAR DRIVES EVERYWHERE.  TRAFFIC EVERYWHERE.  TIMMIE HORTON’S EVERYWHERE.  SHITTY TAKE-OUT EVERYWHERE.  DULL PEOPLE.  DULL TRUCKS.  DULL LIVES.  DULLNESS AND BOREDOM.  BOREDOM AND DULLNESS.

IRAN???

I have heard great things about the country.  Tehran is supposedly a fantastic city with young artists filling the streets.  but, once again, old dull politicians ruining cities.  ruining countries.  ruining lives.  ruining the world.  BUT GETTING FINANCIALLY REWARDED FOR IT.

OUR SYSTEM IS FUCKED.

OUR SYSTEM IS FLAWED.

there are many assholes like Sean Hannity and Donald Trump whose mouths are bigger than their brains.  bigger than their hearts.  do they have hearts?  do they have brains?

tired.   brain foggy.  eyes blurry.  sleep awaits me.  tired arms.  tired legs.  tired mind.  tired eyes.  everything tired until I lay down to sleep.  attempted sleep in an attempted life.  an attempt to succeed but everything is just a bit “off”.  my chair is off.  my shirt is off.  my eyes are off.  my brain is off.  my thoughts are off.  my listening skills are off.  the power of positivity.  I CAN’T FUCKING SEE DOCTOR!!!  HELP ME!!!  AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT NOISE???  I CAN’T FUCKING THINK!!!  EVERYTHING IS OFF DOC.  HELP ME PLEASE!!!  PLEASE HELP ME.  MY FUCKING SHIRT IS DRIVING ME INSANE WITH IT’S NOISY BUTTONS SLIDING AGAINST THE TABLE.  WHY IS MY COMPUTER SO FAR AWAY.  SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  EVERYTHING IS A LITTLE OFF.  EVEN MY FUCKING SPELLING IS OFF!!!  FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!

AND NOW MY BACK HURTS!!!  WHAT THE FUCK IS AN OLD WHITE MAN SUPPOSED TO DO?  I NEED TO RAISE THIS GODDAMN CHAIR.  MY NECK IS BEING STRAINED.

PAUSE.

chair raised.  I feel weird.  noisy shirt still driving me crazy.

how many poor people will die tonight?

how many poor people will kill tonight?

how many poor people will rob tonight?

how many poor people will steal tonight?

how many old white politicians will laugh tonight?

how many old white politicians will lie tonight?

how many old white politicians will count their money tonight?

how many old white politicians will read a book tonight?  ZERO!!!

DONALD TRUMP.  DOUG FORD.  SICK PATHETIC INDIVIDUALS WITH SICK PATHETIC AGENDAS.  WE’RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK UP TO THESE MAGGOTS?  WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THE LEAD OF THESE PEASANTS?  DULL.  WHITE.  OLD.  BORING.  DUMB.  OUT OF SHAPE.  FAKE.  FAKE FUCKERS LEADING FAKE LIVES WITH THEIR FAKE WIVES AND FAKE SMILES IN THEIR FAKE HOMES WITH THEIR FAKE EMOTIONS AND FAKE TEETH.  FAKE FUCKS.

FAKE.

FAKE.

FAKE.

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO FAKE?

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO FAKE?

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO FAKE?

my back is sore.  my ears are ringing from my damn shirt buttons.  my chair is uncomfortable.  my eyes are blurry.  I am tired.  I am bored.  I need an adventure.  I need to live.  I need a life.  I need an outlet.  I need discussion.  I need human connection.  I need a glass of wine.  I need to act.  I need to make a film.  I need to create.  I need to be a good Dad.  I need to exercise.  I need to get a new car.  I need to move to a city.  I need to escape the suburbs.  I need to have fun.  I need to help people.  I need to expose the liars.  I need to expose the frauds.  I need to inspire.  I need to stop wasting my life away.  I need to slow down.  I need to speed up.  I need to see my Dad again.  I need to help people.  I need HELP.  HELP ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED.  WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!  WHO BELIEVES THIS SHIT?  HOW CAN WE BE SO GULLIBLE?  WHY DO WE NOT THINK FOR OURSELVES!!!

I AM FED UP.

I AM TIRED.

TOO MANY NEEDS.  NOT ENOUGH MONEY.  NOT ENOUGH FUN.  NOT ENOUGH HOPE.

HOPE???

FREEDOM???

MORE IS LESS OR LESS IS MORE.

BELL LET’S TALK???  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I AM BUDDHA.  LISTEN TO ME AND I WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE.  BUT BEFORE I SAVE IT CAN YOU PLEASE DEPOSIT ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS INTO MY ACCOUNT.

RELIGIOUS FANATICS.

THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT.

THE EVANGELICALS.

SO FAKE.  SO FUCKED.  SO SICK.

AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

 

I want the truth.  I seek the truth.  I want to read and consume as many books as I can.  I want to watch documentaries and YouTube clips.  I want to listen to intelligent thinkers and people who have studied our world without any biases.  without any political affiliation.  I want to seek the truth.

why so many wars?

why is the US always at war with someone?

why are there so many wars in the Middle East?

there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq so why was Saddam Hussein targeted?

why is Saudi Arabia always left out of these wars?

it seems like the US bomb the weak.  the vulnerable.  they leave the powerful alone.  why?

when I think of war I think of all the needless lives lost.  what was accomplished?  what is accomplished in the Middle East?  what is the US after?

why does the US spend so much on the military when there are so many people in extreme poverty in their own country?

people starving in their own country.

people killing each other in their own country?

why do we still listen to our failed politicians?

what do these frauds do for you?  to you?

why do we all fight each other when it comes to politics?

when will we realize that the two parties always in control are very similar?

does anyone care about the poor?  the disenfranchised?  the lost?

why is Capitalism always applauded but Socialism is an absolute “evil word”…”evil philosophy?”

are we brainwashed but don’t realize it?

if capitalism is so good why are there so many killings and so much poverty in the US?  why are there so many wars?  why is there so much hate?

if capitalism is so good why are there so many people struggling with mental illness?

if capitalism is so good why are there so many suicides?

if capitalism is so good how can the US elect a greedy, misogynistic, unintelligent, sickening man to run their country?

if capitalism is so good why are there rarely any good leaders elected?

WHY HAVE THE INNER CITIES OF AMERICA REMAINED POOR?

TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS HAS BEEN PROVEN TO BE A LIE.  ACCEPT THIS.  DO NOT CONTINUE TO LIE AND DO NOT CONTINUE TO BELIEVE THE LIE.  IT IS A LIE PURPORTED BY THE ELITES TO KEEP THE MONEY IN THEIR GREEDY POCKETS.

THE LIES ARE SO BIG AND THE LIES ARE SO FREQUENT, HOW AND WHY DO PEOPLE STILL BELIEVE THEM?

SLOT MACHINES WILL MAKE YOU POOR.

CASINOS WILL MAKE YOU POOR.

WHY DOES HOLLYWOOD PRODUCE SO MANY ATROCIOUSLY BAD MOVIES YEAR AFTER YEAR?

WHO WATCHES THESE ATROCIOUSLY BAD MOVIES?

WHY DO YOU WATCH THEM?

THE BACHELOR?  BACHELORETTE?  HALLMARK (SUZANNE…HAHAHA)?

KARDASHIANS?

WHY?

I WANT EQUALITY.

I WANT EVERYONE TO HAVE A FAIR CHANCE OF EARNING A FAIR LIVING.

I WANT HUMAN BEINGS TO CARE FOR HUMAN BEINGS AGAIN.

I WANT LESS WARS.  OR NO WARS.  NO HATE.  OR DIRECT YOUR HATE AT THE RIGHT PEOPLE.  THE LEADERS OF OUR COUNTRIES.  THE LEADERS WHO CONSTANTLY FEED LIES.  CONSTANTLY CREATE DECEPTION.

WHY DON’T WE ENGAGE IN CRITICAL THINKING?

THERE IS A POPULAR ADAGE THAT STATES IF YOU DON’T VOTE YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN BUT I SAY IF YOU DON’T RESEARCH YOU CAN’T VOTE.  WE ARE LEAVING OUR COUNTRY TO VOTERS WHO DON’T READ.  DON’T RESEARCH.  DON’T LEARN.  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY SOCIALISM IS EVIL?  A PHILOSOPHY THAT HELPS HUMAN BEINGS.  DOESN’T CRUSH HUMAN BEINGS.  A COLLECTIVE IS BETTER THAN AN INDIVIDUAL.

HEART OVER COMMERCE.

CONVINCE ME PLEASE BUT DO NOT BRING UP CUBA OR RUSSIA OR PAST FAILURES WHERE A DICTATOR TAKES OVER AND RUINS THE COUNTRY.  ISN’T THAT WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE US?

SOCIALISM VS. CAPITALISM.

BOTH PERHAPS FLAWED BY THE PEOPLE WHO RUN THE SYSTEMS BUT I WILL ALWAYS TAKE LOVE OVER COMMERCE.

ALWAYS LOVE.

LOVE.

STOCK EXCHANGE???

WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK????????!!!???

 

 

amidst the confusion I find myself.  amidst the confusion I look inside not outside.  amidst the confusion my heart becomes bigger and my mind becomes less busy.  amidst the confusion I become human.  amidst the confusion there comes clarity.  clarity of purpose.  clarity of life.  clarity of thoughts.  clarity of feelings.  bring on the confusion.  bring on the chaos.  amidst the confusion and the chaos I become a human being.

I care about humans more than I care about WAR.

I care about humans more than I care about HATE.

I care about humans more than I care about MONEY.

I care about humans more than I care about POLITICS.

I care about humans more than I care about STAR WARS.

I care about humans more than I care about TOY CARS AND TOY HOUSES.

I care about humans more than I care about TAXES.

I care about humans more than I care about FAKE BOOBS AND FAKE LIPS.

I CARE ABOUT HUMAN BEINGS.

I CARE ABOUT HUMANITY.

I WANT TO SEE ALL PEOPLE HAPPY NOT JUST A FEW.

TRUMP DOESN’T IMPRESS ME.  HE DISGUSTS ME.

DON CHERRY IS IRRELEVANT TO ME.

JORDAN PETERSON LOVES THE SOUND OF HIS OWN MUZZLED VOICE.

BUFFOONS BARKING AND BITING.  YELLING AND HATING.  DOES THIS IMPRESS YOU.  IT IS VILE TO ME.  FOR ME.

I PREFER INTELLECTUALS OVER BLUSTERING IDIOTS.

I WANT TO LEARN AND GROW.

I want thinkers.  I want real leaders.  I want a world that is fair and equal to all.  I want us to all get along.  why can’t we all get along?

speeding cars and flying feces.

why am I a sounding board for political bullshit talk?

why, after all these years of failure, do we still put politicians on pedestals?

who made up our rules?

but really…WHO MADE UP THE RULES WHICH WE FOLLOW TODAY?

who do these rules benefit?

did the elites of yesteryear make up the rules for the elites of today?

what constitutes one being an elite?

money corrupts but so does lack of money.

power is lethal.

fake rich powerful men are going to be the demise of our world.  how can we stop them?  when will we stop them?  how can we come together as people to fight the insane and the corrupt?

the rich and powerful will point fingers at the poor and call them insane and call them corrupt.  BUT DO NOT LISTEN.  DO NOT BE FOOLED.  UNDERSTAND THAT THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.  THEY CARE ABOUT THEIR MONEY AND THEIR POWER.  MONEY DOES NOT MAKE ONE INTELLIGENT BUT IT MAKES ONE ENTITLED.  ENTITLED TO BIG OPINIONS ON LITTLE EVENTS.

DOES ANYONE REALLY CARE ABOUT DON CHERRY BEING FIRED?

PETITIONS TO GET HIM REINSTATED???  REALLY???  FOR HIS FIVE MINUTES A WEEK ON HOCKEY NIGHT IN CANADA…REALLY?

THE ILLUSIONS ARE BIG.  THE ILLUSIONS ARE LOUD.  THE ILLUSIONS ARE REAL EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE FAKE.  FAKE FUCKERS SPEWING FAKE NEWS AND GETTING THE MASSES CONFUSED.

does anyone read anymore?

we are glued to our phones and glued to shitty content that involves shitty people.

I NEED TO TAKE A SHIT.  SO WHAT?  I DO.  I REALLY DO.  A REAL SHIT.  NOT A FAKE SHIT.  I WILL TAKE A PIC AND SHOW YOU.  I WILL THEN TAKE A PIC OF MY BREAKFAST AND THEN MY LUNCH.  I WILL ALSO TAKE A PIC OF MY LEGS ON A BEACH.  I AM IMPORTANT.  I AM VERY IMPORTANT.  LOOK AT ME.  PLEASE LOOK AT ME.  ANYONE???  IS ANYONE OUT THERE?  DO YOU LIKE ME?  I HOPE YOU DO OR I WILL CRY?  MAYBE EVEN DRINK.  GODDAMIT PLEASE LIKE ME!!!!

GUCCI???  HAHAHAHAHA.  UTTER SHIT.  THAT WE UTTERLY CONSUME.  A SOCIETY OF PEASANTS FOLLOWING ALONG LIKE THE SHEEP THAT WE ARE.

FUCK TRUMP.

FUCK FORD.

FUCK FAKE POLITICIANS WITH THEIR FAKE SMILES AND FAKE HANDSHAKES.

purpose.

passion.

people.

poo.

pee.

play.

always play.

always poo.

always pee.

please like me???

please???

if you like me then I will be your friend.

IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD.

WON’T YOU BE MINE.

December 19, 2019.  so close to Christmas and yet Christmas seems so far away.  very little excitement.  very few gifts.  very few wins.  many struggles and lost once again.  always lost.  always struggling.  mental illness or not.  the struggle is real.  and the struggle is lonely.  DOES ANYONE REALLY AND TRULY UNDERSTAND MENTAL ILLNESS???

we have fake posts from fake people who seemingly care but they only care when the struggle does not affect them but when it interferes in their life then the vitriol comes out as always.  hence the term solo.  hence the term lonely.  feelings of failure.  feelings of shame.  feelings of confusion.  constant feelings and constantly STUCK.  years and years of psychiatrists and psychotherapists proving to be unhelpful.  I will still try, once again, to heal.  healing is a nice word.  healing is active.  sit in inactivity but sit on a feeling.  truly sit.  truly feel.

is Christmas here yet?

do people still spend incessantly at Christmas?

what is Christmas for?

is it real?

I know it is not but I prefer the joy over the mundane.

mundane living in a mundane world can be mundane and minutely dull.  minutely tiring.  minutely crazy.  the clock slowly ticking and life becoming closer to the end.  when is the big change going to happen?  when is the big change going to occur?  is there a BIG BOLT OF LIGHTNING THAT COMES AND SHAKES ME AND WAKES ME???

the power of positivity taking a momentary break but it will come back shortly.  it will come back fast and it will come back strong.  the power of positivity will tell me that I can do anything in this world that I want but what happens when you forget what you want?  where is my fun?  what is fun?  what is life?  what happened to me?  what is happening to me?  slow down and smell the roses.  happy people everywhere around me.  fake happy people with fake happy cars and fake happy smiles but is fake happiness better than real sadness???

the lord where are you?

nature?

grace?

birds singing and birds chirping while the wind blows the leaves and the children scream.  there is snow on the ground and rivers flowing peacefully through life.  stretch it out.  sit in it.  sit on it.  sit doggie sit.  bye doggie.  bye.

conversations.  conversations.  conversations.  why do others always take over the conversations?  the loudest are usually the dullest.  the loudest are usually the dumbest.  the confident ones usually having little to offer that hasn’t already been offered.  we put pricks on pedestals and bash down pussies.  we applaud brashness and applaud victories.  we are savages and maggots and termites and yet we are sad and lonely.  lonely and sad.

what is life?

what is my life?

what is the meaning of life?

as sad as life can be I never want it to end.

I don’t want to say BYE to my family.

I don’t want to say BYE to my friends.

pause for a second.  pause for a breath.  calmness.  enjoy the calmness.

stretch the body.  stretch the soul.  but leave the mind alone.  the mind is dangerous.  the mind is toxic.  the mind creates hatred and wars and crime.  leave the mind alone.  sink into the body.  truly sink into the body.  what is your body telling you?  what is my body telling me?

Jack Tait emerged, once again, from another bout of confusion and looked outside.  he saw his blue tricycle.  it sat lonely on the long narrow dirt driveway.  he remembered a time when the bike never sat.  it was always used.  but those days were long ago.  decades past.  decades remembered but wanting to be forgotten.  one nut.  one dollar.  one house.  one lonely barren house in the middle of nowhere.  and one lonely man.

BE POSITIVE JOHNNY.  ALWAYS BE POSITIVE.  THE POWER OF POSITIVITY.  THE POWER OF POSITIVITY.  THE POWER OF POSITIVITY.  DON’T EVER LOSE THE POWER OF POSITIVITY.

Jack Tait closed his mind.  closed his body.  closed his life.  closed this chapter.

what makes someone get so down that they think the only way out is suicide?

please listen and do not judge.

have empathy.

be kind.

the noise stopped and the beautiful music played.

nature or grace.

life.