notanotherphony.

I want the world to be a happy world.  a world filled with love and respect and fun and get together’s and great conversations over great wine.  a world where there is no hate.  no wars.  no murders.  no bullying.  a world where we all work together to make this beautiful world an even more beautiful version.  a world where we can all aspire to achieve great things with great people.  a world where we lift each other up.  not tear them down.  a world filled with understanding and empathy and when there is loss we come together and help the loved ones left behind.  a world filled with joy and peace and games.  a world filled with beautiful people in beautiful cities and beautiful countries alongside beautiful coastal lines and beautiful oceans.  a beautiful world filled with beautiful hearts and beautiful souls.  a world where, if there is conflict, we can work it out without deaths.  without hatred.  we can work it out with understanding and respect.  love and kindness.  a world filled with beautiful art.  beautiful music.  beautiful films.  beautiful storytellers.  beautiful human beings.  a world that is fair to all people.  a world that slows down and takes in the beauty.  a world that is filled with hugs and kisses.  laughs and giggles.  a world where kids get along.  a world where adults get along.  a world where kids and adults get along.  a world filled with parties and tears.  tears of joy.  looking into the eyes of someone you love.  really looking into their eyes and feeling their soul.  feeling every ounce of their being.  a world where we understand each other instead of fighting each other. a world filled with authenticity.  filled with truth.  a world where the rich can understand the poor and the poor can understand the rich.  a world where the left can understand the right and the right can understand the left.  I meet people from all walks of life and I listen to them.  they listen to me.  we all want the same thing do we not?  do we not want peace and happiness and some form of security and opportunities for fun.  opportunities to travel.  can we not help each other?  a world where we help each other.  a world where we are all different yet the same.  we all bleed.  we all cry.  we all laugh.  we all love.  we all have family.  and if some don’t have family then help them have family.  take them in.  hug them.  love them.  I do not want to see people suffer.  I do not want to see people die.  I do not want to see people suffer.  I do not want hurt and pain in this world.  I want to see a HUGE smile on my daughter’s face.  I want to see a HUGE smile on my daughter’s face.  I WANT TO SEE A HUGE SMILE ON MY DAUGHTER’S FACE.

a world filled with LOVE.

a world filled with COMPASSION.

a world filled with EMPATHY.

a world that slows down and never ends.

a world without loss.  without pain.  without shame.

a world without loneliness.  without disease.

a world.

our world.

LOVE.

DO NOT HATE.

LOOK PEOPLE IN THE EYE AND LISTEN.

LOVE.

ALWAYS LOVE.

ALWAYS LISTEN.

WHY?

ALWAYS WHY?

MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE BEAUTY OF OUR WORLD.

SHARE.

COME TOGETHER.

DO NOT DRIFT APART.

LOVE.LOVE.LOVE.

sitting down drinking a coffee and listening to The tallest man on earth.  sad song.  melancholic.  beautiful.  I slow down and reflect.  I reflect and thus slow down.  my busy mind and busy body are taking a break for a second.  maybe even two.  perhaps a whole day.  but then my mind and body come flying back to life with guns cocked and ready to fight.  ready to fuck.  ready to release.  constant battle between boredom and mania.  very little time spent in between.  sitting at the computer.  tears flowing down my face.  drinking coffee.  drinking water.  looking around at my messy room.  messy desk.  messy life.  everything messy.  nothing stable.  never stable.  never clear.  my body moving faster than my mouth.  the thoughts are quick but my clarity is slow.  mental illness talked about but after forty years of seeing various psychiatrists, various psychologists, various doctors, I am back at ground zero.  Not adhd.  Not anxiety disorder.  Not depression.  Not Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Not NORMAL but what exactly is NORMAL?  the latest diagnosis is BIPOLAR DISORDER.  forty years of struggles.  forty years of confusion.  forty years of causing havoc for my Mom.  my Wife.  my daughter.  my brother.  my past girlfriends.  my employers.  my friends.  my enemies.  my family.  family fights and drunken debauchery.  sadness.  mania.  depression.  anxiety.  many successes but the successes never registering.  the successes never able to penetrate the wall of shame.  the wall of pain.  the wall of broken dreams.  broken bones.  broken relationships.  and broken trust.  a life filled with extremes and knowing that my life was filled with extremes but never looking at my life through clear glasses.  mental health wasting a good part of my life.  mental health getting in the way of love.  and respect.  and money.  and trust.

do people believe in mental illness?

do people think you are lazy?

do people think you are “fucked up?”

do people think you are selfish?

do people think you are mean?

do people think you are a pig?

do people think you are a drunk?

do people think you are disgusting?

do people laugh at you?

do people make fun of you?

do people chastise you?

do people look at you with “that look of disgust?”

smart.

active.

charismatic.

funny.

physically healthy.

emotionally unstable.

hope.

always hope.

always hope.

always hope.

why didn’t anyone recognize that I had Bipolar Disorder?

why didn’t anyone recognize that I have Bipolar Disorder?

why so many mistakes by highly paid doctors?

they could have saved me from years of struggle.  years of pain.  years of shame.

I am now 52 years old.

I hope I will get better.

tears still flowing down my face.

I let out a sigh and continue listening to beautiful music.

reminiscing.

I really have no idea about a lot of things.  I have managed to get through life but I am still as lost now as I was back when I was twenty.  or maybe it was when I was thirty.  Or maybe forty.  Anyway, I am still lost.  still confused.  still trying to learn about life.  learn about people.  learn about myself.  I do not have money.  I do not have a big house.  nor do I have a nice car.  I have succeeded many times in my life but also failed miserably many times.  I have failed over and over and over again.  then a success hits and I have hope.  have optimism.  I am a great guy…according to many people.  I am filled with love.  filled with life.  smart.  healthy.  funny.  active.  intelligent.  passionate.  many people continue to support me even when they have dealt with the worst of me.  I have had friends reach out to me from the past who have forgiven me for stupid shit that I did back then.  no matter how much I fuck up people still like me.  still love me.  still support me.  still hope for me.  I am getting older and still struggling.  I see lots of phoniness in this world.  lots of fake people in fake houses with fake smiles and even faker hearts but so be it.  that is their life not mine.  I also see lots of anger and lots of anger minus intelligence.  I see loud dull people everywhere.  and if I don’t see them I hear them.  I feel that our society is damaged.  dull.  fake.  phony.  but if that is what we want then that is what we get.  I am still failing at life.  failing at work.  failing at fatherhood.  failing at marriage.  failing at family.  but I am always optimistic in spite of my confusion.  do not take advice from me.  my advice hasn’t worked.  I still struggle.  I still search.  I still take pills and see psychiatrists and psychotherapists.  I try.  I always try.  I hate sitting still.  I hate acting.  I hate sleeping.  I hate many things but I don’t really hate.  HATE IS A STRONG WORD.  I don’t really hate anyone.  I have empathy for all.  I feel for the underdog.  I understand the underdog.  I like the underdog.  I like the troubled.  I am bored by the successful.  boring people are boring.  boring words coming out of boring mouths in boring homes with boring wives.  but I remain positive.  I am not religious but I spoke with a priest for two hours last week after my wife’s Grandma’s funeral.  I then set up a meeting at the church to talk with him again.  two more hours.  great conversation.  almost converted but then I read Bukowski and looked down and saw my two balls and decided against the conversion.  I decided against the pretense.  But if someone is religious or has real faith then I am happy for them.  I wish I had it.  or have it.  past and present.  but I don’t and I can’t fake it till I make it.  my mind DOES NOT work that way.  movies are boring.  Hollywood movies.  there are some great indie films but I prefer reading.  Bukowski now.  Bukowski then.  real.  dirty.  honest.  raw.  open.  BUKOWSKI.  very few have heard of him and he brings lots to the world.  many have heard of Kim Kardashian and she brings very little to the world.  I do not HATE her as she is human but I don’t find her interesting nor do I find her attractive.  I find her plastic.  dull.  phony.  I prefer poor.  I prefer natural.  I prefer great conversation over amusement parks.  I prefer honesty over fantasy.  but I DO NOT HATE ANYONE.  even sick violent people are human.  they were born into this world and, as kids, probably had dreams and hopes but were brought up in living hell with troubled parents and troubled minds.  mental health is talked about but never really taken seriously.  it is sad.  it is becoming sadder.  women continuing to have plastic faces and talking about plastic things.  guys talking about their trucks and their balls.  even guys with small balls pretend they have big ones.  random conversations with random people opening up their hearts and minds to me.  opening up constantly.  I HAVE A GIFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now in spite of all of my struggles and all of my failures I continue to move forward.  I continue to try.  I exercise daily.  and on my daily runs I meet many people.  happy people.  women.  men.  black.  white.  Chinese.  east Indian.  I run into people of all shapes and all sizes.  people who I know nothing about.  strangers.  strangers.  strangers.  strangers out walking and running on the trails of Hockley.  the trails around Island Lake.  the trails in Mono.  Mono Cliffs.  happiness.  happy.  love.  smiles.  waves.  connections.  human connections.  human connections.  human connections and human love.  nature combined with exercise brings the best out of people.  it makes people feel better.  there is a connection.  a human connection.  I don’t know much but I know a little and my observation and my suggestion is to get out and exercise.  get out and converse.  get out in nature.  CONNECT.  CONNECT.  CONNECT.  stop reading memes and stop getting caught up in the vicious banter about politics as it really goes nowhere.  It brings nothing to your lives.  brings nothing to the world.  bring peace and happiness to your life.  exercise.  love.  converse.  nature.  breathe.

my life is still a mess and I am still broke and getting older but I am getting wiser.

but I still prefer Bukowski over Kardashian.

 

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths.  it was still dull and gloomy outside.  cold.  damp.  grey.  but it was also very quiet.  very peaceful.

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths.  I saw myself walking down the stairs of my first grade school, St. Bonaventure.  I reached the bottom of the stairs and turned right.   The hallways were old.  the hallways were empty.  I walked towards the light at the end of the tunnel.  I looked to the right of me and then the left.  saw empty classes but heard kids’ voices.  screaming.  laughing.  I continued to walk towards the light.  I thought of my Grade 2 teacher, Miss Scope.  I always had a crush on her.  she was beautiful.  long dark straight hair.  big white teeth.  and an even bigger smile.  she was nice.  encouraging.  I continued to walk but I wondered what happened to her.  Is she married?  did she have kids?  is she still living?  does she look old now?  did she have any traumatic events happen to her?  human curiosity.  always human curiosity.  my back is suddenly sore but I can vividly remember Miss Scope.  I hope she is living a good life.

I continued down the hallway and made it to the light at the end.  I walked straight through the light and ended up on the front steps of our first home on the Heights Drive.  a townhome.  small.  every home looked the same.  I sat on the porch and looked at my first bike.  I looked out at the parking lot of the complex.  I walked down and saw the big wall where we used to throw Indian Rubber Balls against and catch them.  I also saw the balcony beside the big wall.  I fell off of that balcony when I was eight years old and ended up with a concussion and was hospitalized for three days.  My Mom thought that I had died when my friends told her.  she was frantic and scared.  she held me tight as she waited for the ambulance to arrive and take me away.  the ambulance came and took me to North York General Hospital.  I called it the “H” Hospital.  I stayed there for three days.  three days in a bed.  lonely.  scared.  headache.  but I liked the attention.  I always liked the attention.  still do.

I survived the concussion.  there were many more to come.

I closed my eyes again and took a few more deep breaths.  in and out.  in and out.  in and out.  heavy breathing.  peaceful.  memories.  childhood memories.  Heights Drive.  Mom.  Dad.  Nana.  Dom.

I see the outdoor swimming pool that we all went to on Saturday mornings to watch the teenage girl swim in races.  she was the Ontario Champion and we were all proud that she lived in our complex.  I wonder what happened to her?  Married?  Alive?  Old?  Traumatic Life?

Then my mind became scattered.  I opened my eyes.  restless.  fidgety.  i closed my eyes again.  a few deep breaths again.  I can picture our first dog.  we called him Snoopy.  Original?  he was a little Beagle.  I begin to cry as I remember our neighbour taking him for a walk and she frantically came running to our door a few minutes later.  Snoopy got away from her and was run over by a TTC bus.  so sad.  the girl was so young.  so traumatic.  I wonder what happened to her?  I hope she lived a good life.  that’s all I want for anyone.  all I want for everyone.  to simply live a good life.

I closed my eyes again and took some more deep breaths.  I saw our old Superintendent.  she was old and mean.  she carried a pitchfork with her and swung it at all the children.  I then picture my friends and I painting the laundry room with all kinds of different paint.  we were brats.  we were kids.  we were free.  we were having fun.  life.

my eyes still closed.  my breathing still deep.  I now picture Don Mills Collegiate.  Ewan Geddes.  Merrick Atkinson.  Tina too.  Craig McQueenie.  Don Mills Civitan.  Don Mills Flyers.  Flemingdon Kings.  hockey.  hockey was so fun.  soccer was great too.  hockey and soccer.  summer and winter.  outside playing.  kids.  lots of kids.  lots of friends.  I wonder what happened to all of them?  I hope none of them suffered.  I hope they are all okay.  I hope they have lived a good life.  no trauma.  no struggles.  no abuse.  no deaths.

The “H” hospital.

that’s where Dad died.

the same hospital where I went for my concussion.

more deep breaths.

more tears.

Cassandra Public School.

Dad collapsed on the floor.

kids watching.

kids wondering.

deep breaths.

I wonder what happened to all of those kids.

were they traumatized?

are they still traumatized?

I’ve never seen someone die.

we all die.

tears.

breaths.

one.  two.  three.  four.

Heights Drive.

a very long time ago.

I close my eyes again.  a few big deep breaths again.

I walk out of our first house.  I am seven.  I walk away and look ahead.  I walk and I walk.  lonely.  alone.  I am holding my hockey stick.  I suddenly turn around and see my family.  my Mom.  my Dad.  Dom.  Nana.  they smile at me.  I smile back.

“goodbye.”

I wave and turn around and walk away.  away.  away.  and away.  holding my hockey stick in my right hand.

I used that right hand to hitchike many years later.  an old man picked me up and sexually abused me.

I thanked him for the ride.

I walked away from his old car.  I walked away.  away.  and away.

I opened my eyes and wiped the tears from my face.

I don’t want to die.

ever.

 

 

 

rainy outside.  gloomy outside.  cold.  dark.  a perfect time to reflect.  to slow down.  to listen to music filled with heart.  splattered with soul.  a movement away from pop culture always cures the blues.  pop culture offering up nothing but noise and bright colours.  plastic people in plastic houses.  plastic faces and plastic races.  races to see who wins the pot at the end of the rainbow.  but what is the pot?  for some it is money.  but at what point does money become dull?  at what point does money become boring?  how much shit can one consume before he or she gets sick of the over consumption?  never ending elections featuring never ending lies.  never ending proposed solutions.  never ending betrayals and never ending hope.  but hope for what?  these leaders preach about the economy and what they can do to save the economy.  to build our economy.  to have less taxes and more money but it is all bluster.  how much more does one save?  how much more does one own?  how much more does one consume?  where is the humanity?  humanity more important than wealth.  I want to speak with human beings.  human beings from all over the world.  I want to hear about their upbringing.  I want to hear about their struggles.  their families.  I want to connect and get to know people better.  not facebook connect but in person and complete with language barriers.  I want to eat food from different cultures and drink and laugh with humans from different cultures.  I want to learn and grow.  I want to turn off and tune out the bullshit that our society has to offer.  a society where kim kardashian wins while many other’s are mired in poverty in inner cities.  a sick society that applauds the wrong people and demeans the right people.

human connection.

human connection.

human connection.

make that the goal.

make that the purpose.

make that the meaning of life.

love.  laugh.  play.  learn.  grow.

but most of all LOVE.

do not forget about LOVE.

do not forget about humanity.

do not forget about being a little child.  a little child who didn’t discriminate.  didn’t chase money.  chase possessions.  a child who wanted to play.  connect.  have fun.  laugh.  love.  explore.

DON’T LET THE CORPORATE WORLD WITH IT’S MANY EVILS TAKE YOU DOWN.  MAKE YOU FEEL SHIT ABOUT YOURSELF.  MIRE YOU IN DEBT.  STRUGGLE TO GET OUT OF DEBT.  CHASE THE WRONG THINGS AND DIE LONELY, UNHAPPY, AND IN DEBT.  TIRED AND BROKEN.  SAD AND LOST.  DON’T DO IT.

CONNECT.

LOVE.

PLAY.

LISTEN TO GREAT MUSIC.

DRINK GREAT WINE.

EAT GREAT FOOD.

CONVERSE.

LOVE.

LOVE.

LOVE.

BREATHE.

PLEASE DON’T BE ANOTHER PHONY.

PLEASE DON’T BE ANOTHER GREEDY PIG.

PLEASE DON’T BE DULL AND AFRAID.

BE DIFFERENT THAN THE REST.

WE HAVE TOO MUCH DULLNESS ALREADY.

raining outside.

dark outside.

cool outside.

gloomy outside.

grey.

quiet.

lonely.

be the best that you can be.

but really try to be the best that you can be.

DON’T CHASE THE WRONG THINGS.

kim kardashian???  really???

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…

how many sheep does it take to make someone a millionaire???

I have a cold.