Happy Thanksgiving.

Stop believing in the system.  Stop believing in our leaders.  Stop believing in authority.  Stop believing in the corporate world.

STOP.

STOP.

STOP.

The system is run exactly like a factory.  The leaders who are usually dull and not qualified make up the rules to keep the peasants down but they feed them just enough bullshit for them to stay and believe in the system.  Then the peasants discuss pay raises and benefits and pensions and holidays as they continue to get fucked and continue to get bashed down.  Bashed down into complacency.  They question themselves.  they question their skills.  they question their worth.  they question their value.  they get told that they have anger issues and self esteem issues and impulse control issues.  some move onto depression and anxiety.  They seek professional help as it is covered by their benefits.  they go weekly and consume pills daily.  they don’t get better.  they get worse.  feel worse.  feel judged.  side effects from their medications do not help.  they hurt.  they pound.  they make their head fuzzy and foggy.  then when the meds don’t work these so called “problem workers” move onto self help books and self help videos.  they are consumed by the professional life coach guru’s such as Anthony Robbins..  Brene Brown.  They gobble everything up.  gobble.  gobble.  gobble.  their leaders.  their bosses.  never consuming any of this.  never seeing psychiatrists.  never seeing psychologists.  never taking meds.  the leaders believing that they are better than the people below them.  they believe they are smarter and work harder.  they believe their ideas are stronger.  the leaders making sure that the people below them do not discover the lie.  the system.  they give minimal pay raises.  they give out useless awards for “Employee of the Month”.  the awards go to “yes” people who follow the useless rules and show up on time.  never offering up much of value to anyone but never causing a stir.  never causing a ruckus.  just a faceless number.  happy with the award.  happy with the company.  put in more effort.  same pay.  same faceless number.  just another cog in the wheel.  another cog in the machine.

The leaders play with other leaders.  they compare homes.  compare cars.  compare wives.  laugh.  drink.  and go on trips together.  play golf.  go boating.  cottaging.  relishing in the system but not offering up much to the world.  many times killing the world with pollution and wars and never ending debts and never ending lies but the peasants still follow them as if they are kings.  but they are self anointed kings.

If someone speaks out against the system.  gets out of line.  challenges the rules.  challenges the leaders.  challenges authority.  then that person is brandished as “problematic”.  they are looked upon as “troubled”.  they have issues with authority.  anger issues.  they are told that they can’t work well in groups.  they are told that they need help.  then other peasants who are brainwashed listen to the leaders.  they agree with the leaders and start treating the one who stands up to authority differently.  even they begin to look down on the one who stands up.  they stay away from him as they do not want the leaders to see them mingling with the “problem” one.  the one who challenges the rules and challenges authority begins to question himself.  “What’s wrong with me?  Why do I get in trouble all the time?”

His friends tell him to just keep his mouth shut and do the work.  he questions himself even more.  becomes isolated.  becomes more depressed.  more frustrated.  he notices that other’s don’t talk to him as much.  he gets told to “tone it down”.  he gets told to “meditate”.  to do yoga.  take more pills.  exercise.  breathe.  relax.  allow.  he finds himself lost.  questioning himself more and more.  losing conviction.  wanting connection.  wanting approval.  wanting love.  but many have tuned him out.  many think he’s crazy.  more pills.  more psychotherapists.  more exercise.  more Ted Talks.  more books.  he has now become consumed by “getting better” but he doesn’t need to get better.  he needs to believe and trust his gut.  believe in his observation.  believe in himself.

CHALLENGE THE STATUS QUO OR I WILL BE DOOMED TO LIVE A LIFE OF HELL.

 

connect. connect. connect.

today is a new day.  a day filled with hope.  a day filled with sunshine.  a day filled with nature.  a day filled with love.  embrace the good.  embrace the wins.  accept the losses.  learn and grow.  watch, listen, and learn.  be.  do.  do not listen to maggots.  do not listen to liars.  do not listen to opinions from disgruntled employees and bored housewives.  DON’T DO IT.

grow.

look.

see.

get out of my own way.

bring back my heart.  share it with the world.  be a better human being.

what do I want?

who do I love?

who do I like?

what do I like?

most people bore me but I have a CHOICE.

we all have choices.

my choice is to live.

LIVE.

some people live miserable lives.  some people are born into misery.  some people are born into riches.  some people are unaware of the riches they are born into.  some people pretend that they are successful because of themselves and themselves only.  some people lie.  some people are fake.  I see through fake.  if you are fake DO NOT come around me with your fakeness.  I will discover that you are a fraud.  I have a talent.  that talent is seeing through bullshit.  if you bullshit DO NOT come around me.

laugh.

love.

play.

have fun.

laugh at yourself.

love yourself.

love others.

connect with others.

listen to others.

help others.

I have zits still.

crappy skin.

crappy hair.

crappy nose.

many crappy things.

some are born lucky.

others die early.

some are born into hell.

some are born into wealth.

life is a journey.

listen to yourself.

listen to your gut.

listen to your heart.

STOP TRYING TO PLEASE PEOPLE.

STOP BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER.

STOP SEEKING ACCOLADES.

STOP SEEKING APPROVAL.

love.

love thy neighbour as thy love thyself.

why can’t we all get along?

tree of life.

family.

connect.

connect.

connect.

soon everyone will be gone.

my mind has been busy.  my eyes are blurry.  my heart beating fast.  my focus waning.  running.  drinking.  reading.  drinking.  sleeping pills.  anxiety meds.  adhd meds needed but most make my head hurt.  my mind race.  my hands twitch.  my body tight.  my mouth dry.  when will I ever get the right meds?  when will I ever relax?  when will I ever be still?  wanting therapy but therapy too expensive.  wanting help but help too expensive.  free help is available but it is free and, therefore, never as good.  never as precise.  long waiting periods for average help.  a never ending vicious cycle.  the leaders pretend that they care about mental illness but they do not.  typical lying politicians in a typical corporate world filled with too many lies and too much deception.

STAY AWAY.  STAY AWAY.  STAY AWAY.  DO NOT GET SUCKED IN.  DO NOT GET SUCKED IN.  POLITICS IS DULL.  POLITICS IS EVIL.  POLITICS IS DIRTY.  DOES ANYTHING EVER CHANGE?  MINIMAL CHANGE BUT MAXIMUM PROMISES FILLED WITH MAXIMUM LIES AND MAXIMUM COVER UPS.  A NEVER ENDING CYCLE OF AVERAGE RICH PEOPLE OFFERING UP AVERAGE WORK WITH AVERAGE PLANS.  DULL.  DULL. DULL.  AVOID AT ALL COSTS.  POLITICS BRINGS ABOUT ANGER.  HATRED.  SCREAMING.  YELLING.  RACIST REMARKS FROM RACISTS.  DUMB MEMES FROM DUMB PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T READ A BOOK SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.  MORE ANGER AND VITRIOL THROWN AT GRETA THUNBERG THAN AT HARVEY WEINSTEIN.  I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF RACIST PEOPLE WITH DUMB OPINONS AND DULL LIVES.  “FUCK OFF AND KEEP YOUR SHITTY OPINIONS TO YOURSELVES!!!”

Now art is a different matter.  real art.  not Hollywood.  not shitty television shows that appeal to the masses.  not super hero movies and bad comedies that don’t really make anybody laugh.  not wannabe Hollywood shows on micro budgets.  not fluff.  no more fluff needed.  leave the fluff for Hollywood.

I am talking ART.  ART.  ART that makes people feel.  makes people think.  makes people look at life differently.  challenging the status quo and making a statement.

we need more ART and less politics.

we need to feel more and think less.  WE NEED MORE LOVE AND LESS HATE.  we need more human connection and less fake connections on social media.  we need to support people who are trying to change the world for the better (GRETA THUNBERG) and chastise those who are trying to make it worse (TRUMP).

I am slowly getting sucked back into politics.  DON’T FUCKING DO IT!!!!  IT IS A WASTE OF MY MOTHERFUCKING TIME.  IT IS A RACE TO NOWHERE.  IT IS A TIME WASTER OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.

make art.

create art.

tell stories.

tell stories about how my Dad died suddenly when I was 10 years old.

tell stories of how my Nana died one month later (she lived with us).

tell stories about how my brother and I came home from school a few months after my Dad died and we witnessed Paramedics taking my passed out Mom away in an ambulance.  She collapsed after taking too many tranquillizers.

tell stories about how my brother and I were taken away from my Mom for a month while she recovered in a hospital and we wondered what was happening to our lives.

tell stories about how I was molested one morning after hitching a ride with an old Greek man after lining up all night at Markville Mall for Bruce Springsteen tickets.

tell stories about drunken debauchery and lost years filled with fucks and fights and arrests and rehab centers and AA meetings and more drunken debauchery and more lonely mornings in drunk tanks.

tell stories about the 40 years of psychiatrists and psychotherapists and psychologists and pills and more pills and more struggles and then more psychotherapists and then more hope and more debt and then sadness and then hope and then manic behaviour and then BIG DREAMS AND BIG HOPES AND THEN MORE DISAPPOINTMENTS AND MORE LOSSES.  running.  cycling.  yoga.  meditation.  self help books and self help videos and one diagnosis and then another and then another and then another and then more pills.  more drunkenness.  more hope.  more struggles.

act.

write.

feel.

feel.

feel.

busy mind.  SLOW DOWN!!!  PLEASE SLOW DOWN!!!

I AM BEING CHASED DOWN THE STREET AND I AM NAKED AND ALONE.  IS ANYONE OUT THERE????

SO TIRED.

SO LONELY.

SO BORED.

SO LOST.

SO HURT.

my mind is buzzing with various noises.  a sort of humming.  hard to describe.

love.

I had a great visit with my Mom today.

she is still hurt.

still alone.

sad.

love.

life is love.

DO NOT ENGAGE IN FUCKING POLITICS.

IT WILL FUCKING KILL ME.

my life is a gift.

a gift…sad gift…but a gift nonetheless.

I miss playing hockey at Crosby Arena.

youth.

long ago.

vivid memories.

so many ups.

so many downs.

so many friends.

so much love.

life.

brain still has the hum.

what is it doctor?

what is it doctor?

what is it doctor?

am I dying?

why is everything humming?

human connection.

human connection.

human connection.

family connection.

family connection.

family connection.

connect.

love.

connect.

love.

connect.

love.

soon everyone will be gone.

soon everyone will be gone.

soon everyone will be gone.

hello?

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

life.

LOVE.

I can’t begin to tell you how proud I am of Rylee.  She came into this world just over thirteen years ago and she never asked to be part of our family.  kids never really have a choice.  she was brought into our family.  our world.  our chaos.  we all try and do our best but our struggles continue.  our minds betray us.  our emotions hold us hostage.  we live in constant chaos with no plans and very little structure.  we were never taught how to be parents.  one day we were a couple and the next day we have three.  such is life.  some people are natural born parents.  other’s are not.  some learn it from their parents and other’s do not.  the notion that we are all equal with equal opportunities has long ago been discovered as bullshit by me.  some continue to believe it as they continue to struggle but I know better.

so Rylee was born into this and she has persevered.  she has succeeded.  she has endured.  amidst the chaos and fragility Rylee has managed to block it out and move forward.  she graduated from grade 8 this past week and we, like so many other’s, wonder how this time came around so quickly.  one day our kids are in kindergarten and the next day they are ready for high school.  time flies.  but I need time to slow down.  I need to be a parent.  I need to provide Rylee with stability.  stability that I never had.  that I never learned.  that I know is needed and yet it continues to elude me.  why?

Rylee has not had the same upbringing as most of her peers and yet she confidently moves forward taking on all challenges and succeeding in most things.  she always brings a smile to everyone she comes in contact with.  she was a miracle child when she was born and she continues to be one.  she amazes me.

Being an only child has it’s own challenges but being an only child with parents who have their own struggles makes it that more difficult.  But she continues to thrive.  she continues to persevere.  she continues to move forward.  she continues to grow.  she has such a huge heart and an even bigger soul and big things await her.  I am looking forward to seeing her thrive on her next journey.  she deserves everything that comes her way.  she is such a great person who is inclusive, caring, loving, passionate, smart, and beautiful both inside and out.

love.

life.

tree of life.

family.

congrats.

heart.

soul.

I love you more than anything in this world.

 

CANCER.

cancer.  every day, it seems, someone I know is dying of cancer.  what a horrible disease.  why is it so prevalent?  when I was a kid it seemed like it was so rare when someone I knew had cancer.  now it seems like it is so rare when someone I know hasn’t been affected by cancer.  and what causes cancer?  what truly causes it?  they said cigarette smoking causes cancer.  but what about all those people who smoke well into their 80’s?  still smoking.  still living.  and what about those who never smoke?  never drink?  CANCER.  healthy lifestyles.  healthy heart.  healthy mind.  CANCER.  so what causes cancer?  so much research.  so much money.  why hasn’t there been a cure?  is there a cure?  is it true that there is a cure but the greedy pharma companies do not want the cure to be brought into the mainstream and affect their deep pockets?  is this true?  if this is true I am sure somebody somewhere would have blown their whistle the way some have blown their whistle on the wrongdoings of our governments.  and even though people have blown their whistle on our corrupt governments we still follow our governments as if they are going to save us from pain.  save us from shame.  save us from going insane.

CANCER.

FUCK CANCER.

YES…FUCK CANCER.  BUT CANCER STILL FUCKS US.  such a sad and painful way to die.

and what do we do about it?  why is there not more call to action?  why is there not more urgency?  do we all just wait and hope that we don’t get CANCER?  do we wait and hope that our family members don’t get CANCER?  what a terrible way to live.  such a terrible way to die.  and yet so many people are stricken with this dreaded disease.  so many affected by this dreaded disease.  and why is this dreaded disease growing in numbers?  every day another friend dying.  another friend stricken down.  WHY???

how can so many millions produce so little?

what is the money spent on?

with our technology and research how can CANCER still strike down so many seemingly healthy people living seemingly healthy lifestyles?

no rhyme.  no reason.  hope?  prayer?

CANCER.

CANCER.

CANCER.

can someone please give us hope.

no more sadness.

please…no more sadness.

CURE…ARE YOU OUT THERE???