notanotherphony.

Jack Tait knew a bully when he saw one.  he knew they came in all shapes and all sizes.  they also came in all races and all genders.  Jack Tait had been bullied his whole life and now was ready to exact revenge on all the bullies who bullied him.
  he sharpened his Louisville Slugger bat and chugged a bottle of Jack.  he took a big runny shit and threw water on his face.  he ate a raw egg for energy and then exited the house.  the rundown farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.  Jack Tait then hopped on his blue tricycle and rode off away from his shitty house.  the rain was pouring down but this made Jack all the more determined.  he was fed up with life and it’s phoniness.  life and it’s rotten people and rotten dogs.  he was even fed up with all the dumb people who got their jobs handed down to them on a silver platter but did fuck all with the opportunity handed them.  peasants of the worst kind.  peasants who treated everyone as slaves and their inferior yet were slutty.  ugly.  fat.  short.  and dumb.  scum of the earth who offered up nothing but their fat pussies and saggy tits.  sluts who looked up to their short fat Dads and thought they were Kings yet were mere peasants with mere penises and mere minds.  peasants who maybe fucked four pigs in their sixty years of living but had “fucked over” thousands of employees.  peasants who complained about Hitler but treated people just as poorly.  the Louisville Slugger was sharpened and ready.
  Jack Tait first searched for the fat redhead who used to steal his lunch at St. Bonaventure in grade two.  he went to a library and “google searched” fat redheads who were fat with red hair.  he found three.  Jack looked at their pictures and didn’t recognize any of them.  fifty years goes by too fast.  Jack wrote down the addresses of all three and jumped back on his tricycle.  he went to the first address and knocked on the door.  a fat old hairy women with a goatee and one leg answered the door.
  “hello?  what do you want?”  she said.
  “I am looking for a male redhead.  around fifty.”
  “Why the fuck are you here and where are your clothes?”
  “I am looking for a redhead around fifty because I want to bash his brains in and then laugh at him.  I will also steal all of his food and booze if you don’t mind Miss.”
  “I had a redhead once.  but he died.  he killed himself.  he tied a noose around his neck and was naked in the closet.”
  “Sounds intense.  do you know if he went to St. Bonaventure?”
  “What the fuck is that?”
  “Bye Miss.  Bye.”
  “Do you want to fuck sir?  I haven’t been laid since my husband died.  Please?”
  “No thanks Miss.  I am on a mission to bash in the brains of all those who have harmed me.  One by one I will take them and I will beat them.  I will also laugh at them and I will humiliate them.  I HATE BULLIES.  I HATE THEM WITH A FUCKING PASSION!!!”
  Jack left.  he jumped on his tricycle and sped away.
  “PLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSEEEEEE  COME BACK AND FUCK ME!!!!!!”
  Jack didn’t listen.  he went to the next redhead on the list.  he parked his tricycle out front of the shitty rundown apartment.  everything is rundown in this world.  he hopped off of his tricycle and walked toward the front door.  he then heard an old man yelling at a little kid.
  “I don’t care who you are and what your parents do I run this building and you can’t smoke on the premises.  this is a fine building we have and you sure as Sally ain’t going to ruin it.”
  Jack immediately pulled out his Louisville Slugger.  he crept towards the voice.  he got closer and closer and then started swinging his bat violently and rapidly.  he swung and swung and swung and the redheaded old man yelped and yelped and yelped.  he fell to the ground and Jack stood over him.  the little boy pulled out another smoke and started smoking.  Jack started laughing.  Jack then took another swing.  “that was for you stealing my lunches in grade two.  that was for you laughing at me in grade two.  that was for you chasing me in grade two and making grade two hell when it should have been fun.  fuck you fat redhead.  I hate you.”
  “I’m sorry…don’t…hurt…I’m…I’ve changed.  I’m a god fearing…don’t…I don’t want to die….I will do anything…I just…I’m a Catholic.”
  Jack took one last swing at the fat redhead’s legs and they shattered.  the little kid laughed and Jack rode off.  he rode off laughing and singing.   “SURE AS SALLY.  SURE AS SALLY.  I ALWAYS HATED WHEN YOU SAID SURE AS SALLY.”   VICTIM NUMBER ONE.
  VICTIM NUMBER TWO…tomorrow.
 

Jack Tait woke up from a four day binge of booze and drugs and slithered his way over to his toilet.  he sat down with a thud and stared at the dirty ground.  he sat down and groaned for thirty-five minutes.  he then stood up to look at the damage.  a clear water was now yellow mixed with brown and red.  Jack went to grab the toilet paper but only the roll was left.  he took off his shirt and wiped his bum with one stroke.  he then threw the shirt in the metal garbage can.  he walked awkwardly with his pants around his ankles to the outside hose.  he turned on the water and jammed it up his ass for another ten minutes.  Jack Tait also had a headache and was sweating profusely.  he turned off the water and pulled up his pants.  he came back inside and immediately grabbed a cold beer from his dirty fridge.  Jack Tait then sat down on his shitty purple reclining chair and opened up a magazine that was sitting on the floor.  it was a tennis magazine.  Jack was about to wonder how it got there when he saw a hot blonde girl with a mini skirt and a tennis racket hitting a ball.  her legs were spread wide open.  then he saw another girl with blonde hair hitting a ball with a mini skirt on and nice long legs.  then another girl with brown hair and mini skirt.  every single page had a picture of a hot girl in a mini skirt with beautiful long tanned legs and gorgeous white teeth.  Jack Tait began to touch his throbbing penis.  he touched and turned the page.  more hot girls in mini skirts.  Jack Tait had never seen a women’s tennis match in his life but instantly became a fan.  Jack Tait wasted his youth playing sports and watching men play sports never realizing that women’s sports were much more fascinating.  not the shotputters or the hairy under arm pitted German sprinters but the sports like tennis and golf where hot young girls parade around in mini skirts and bra’s.  he knew most men (geeks) pretended that they actually like women’s sports and pretended that they cared what hot young girl won Wimbledon.  Jack Tait didn’t give a fuck about scores or performance.  he watched women’s sports to jerk off and jerk off he did. 
  Four days of booze and drugs and blackouts equaled four more days of blown loads and blown confidence.  everything being blown down the drain.
  Jack Tait finished off his twenty-fourth masturbation session and decided to leave his shitty rundown farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.  he threw water on his face and tossed some toothpaste in his mouth.  he opened his fridge and grabbed his last and final beer.  he chugged it while he took a piss and then left his house.  he hopped on his blue tricycle and slowly rushed down his long narrow gravel driveway.  Jack Tait was on a mission.  he rode and rode and rode and rode.  he rode threw stop signs and stop lights.  threw yield signs and construction sites.  Jack Tait had a plan and nothing would get in his way.
  “LOOK OUT…LOOK OUT…I WILL BE YOUR BIGGEST FAN ANNA.  I LOVE YOUR LONG BLONDE HAIR AND TANNED BODY…I WILL BE YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!”  Jack screamed as he rode through the boring town of Strathroy.  he was now naked.  he was wrinkled.  he was sweating and he was chilled.  Jack Tait was on a mission.  “I LOVE TENNIS EUGENIE.  I LOVE TENNIS MARIA.  I LOVE TENNIS PETRA.  I LOVE TENNIS AND I LOVE YOU!!!”
  Fourteen cops started following Jack but keeping their distance as he looked crazed and unpredictable.  he also had one hairy ball dangling very close to the front wheel.  Fourteen quickly turned into sixteen and then twenty-four.  sirens were blaring and the rain started pouring down.  Jack Tait was horny.  Jack Tait was serious.  Jack Tait was tired but Jack Tait found his new passion…watching women’s tennis.  He snuck past two more cops and then down a sideroad that read Sideroad County 11.  Jack Tait had almost arrived.  “I’M COMING TO GET YOU ANNA.  I’M COMING TO GET YOU EUGENIE.  I’M COMING TO GET YOU MARIA AND PETRA.  I”M COMING TO WATCH ALL OF YOU!!!”
  Jack Tait arrived at his destination…the famed Strathroy International Tennis Club.  he jumped off of his tricycle and ran as fast as he could to the tennis courts.  he sat down and wiped the sweat from his face.  the twenty-four cops stood back watching his every move. 
  “GOOD GAME!!!  GREAT GAME!!!  I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!  I LOVE WOMEN’S TENNIS.  I WISH I SIGNED UP FOR WOMEN’S TENNIS WHEN I WAS A KID.  I WISH…”
  suddenly a ten year old girl holding a tennis racquet and a can of tennis balls sat beside Jack.  Jack smiled.  the girl smiled back.  she had glasses on and a blonde ponytail.  she looked at Jack and Jack looked back.  “Dad?  is that you?  is it really you?  where have you been?  I miss you soooo much.  do you want to play tennis with me?  I’m good but not as good as Eugenie and Maria.  they are my idols…especially Eugenie.  I met her last week.  she is so nice and kind and she even let me hit balls with her and then bought me an ice cream cone.  is it really you Dad?  Dad…is it you?”
  Jack stared at his daughter.  he didn’t know what to say.  he didn’t move but tears were streaming down his face.  he last saw his daughter five years ago but that was in a drunken stupor and he hadn’t seen her since.  he always had excuses when Taylor wanted to play with him.  “not now later.  I’m tired.  In a minute Taylor.  Tomorrow.”  everything was tomorrow for Jack and now it is today and he is filled with guilt.  filled with shame and filled with pain.  Jack jumped on his tricycle and nakedly rode away.  the cops were all crying too so they let him be.  cops are humans too.
  Jack slowly and methodically rode his blue tricycle back home.  he stopped at all the stop signs.  he stopped at all the traffic lights.  he even stopped at the yield signs and construction zones.  Jack Tait was a new man.  He arrived home and opened his fridge.  NOTHING.  he then went to his bedroom and opened up a yearbook that his daughter once sent him.  there was a very cute picture of Taylor with some little words underneath.  it read, “when I grow up I want to be a professional tennis player.”  Jack Tait closed the book and cried.

Jack Tait took a “selfie” of his one hairy nut and sent it to his doctor.  she immediately drove over to Jack’s remote farmhouse in the middle of nowhere and knocked on the door.  she knocked and she knocked.  Jack came out of his ugly bathroom after taking a big runny shit and finished off his beer.  he then walked slowly over to the pounding door and opened it up.
“Hi Doc.”
“Hi Jack…I am sooo horny.  I saw your hairy ball and felt it needed love.  disregard that I am married with three kids.  also disregard that I am your doctor and professionally jammed my right hand up your hairy ass last year.  disregard everything and anything and fuck the shit out of me Jack….please.  please.  please.  pretty please with sugar on top.”
“okay Doc.  I just blew my load but I can have a go.  let me finish off this beer and then one more and then I will fuck you.”
“okay Jack.  anything for you.  anything at all.”
Jack immediately grabbed his Louisville Slugger and began smashing the walls of his rundown farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.  he smashed and he smashed.  his penis was large and his one ball was ugly and dangling.  the Doc stood and watched.  she didn’t know what to do.  Jack began screaming.  “WHY???  WHY???  WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME GOD?  I HATE YOU.  I FUCKING HATE YOU.  IF YOU WERE HERE I WOULD RAM THIS BAT UP YOUR ASS AND THEN EAT A TOASTED WESTERN SANDWICH!!!”
  Jack then collapsed to the ground.  he looked over at his Doc and she was naked and touching herself.  Jack tried to jerk off but he couldn’t get hard.  his one ball could only muster one orgasm a day and he just finished after taking a big smelly runny shit.  he tried and tried.  all to no avail. 
  “can we rest a little first Doc and then I can get hard again.  really hard.”
  “you need to stay off the booze Jack.  Rule number one.  stay off the booze!!!”
  “it’s all I have left Doc.  it’s the only thing that doesn’t hurt me.  food hurts me.  women hurt me.  family hurts me.  friends hurt me.  government hurts me.  bosses hurt me.  bosses daughter’s hurt me.  cops hurt me.  lawyers hurt me.  dogs hurt me.  even priests hurt me.  everyone hurts me Doc.  everyone except Jack…Jack Daniels.”
  “well I think that you are sick Jack and that you need to fuck me in order to get better.  I demand that you fuck me.  FUCK ME RIGHT NOW JACK!!!  I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME!!!”
  The doctor began to cry.  she was naked.  saggy tits and hairy bush.  she had probably been fucked over 800 times and still wanted more.  she was just as lonely and sad as Jack but she had a title and a family.  Jack had one nut and a tricycle.  life never making sense.
  Jack passed out and the Doc left.
  She walked into her big house and kissed all of her big family.  she told them about her day and all the crazy patients she had and how she sometimes wishes she was a lawyer instead of a doctor and the family all tell her that she can do whatever she wants to do because she is so gosh darned talented.  she smiled and hugged her husband.
  Jack picked up a bottle of Jack and read the label.  he still hadn’t figured out if Jack Daniels was Bourbon or Whiskey.  he chugged a big chug and lay back down on his shitty purple reclining chair.  he was naked and itchy.  he touched his penis and it began to grow. “DOC…DOC…ARE YOU STILL THERE?  I’M READY NOW.  I’M GOOD AND READY!!!”
  birds chirped in the fields and Jack heard a siren in the distance.  it reminded him of when his Dad was suddenly rushed to the hospital with a brain hemorrhage.  he died.  he was thirty-six.  Jack was ten.  Jack misses his Dad.  he always misses his Dad.  he wonders why he was taken so early when so many assholes live until they are a hundred.  life is unfair.  Jack falls back asleep.  naked and alone.  his one ball scraping the orange rug.

I woke up with a hard on as well as a headache.  another great night of fun resulting in pain and anguish twelve hours later.  why is life like that?  to have fun and excitement you must also need pain and more pain.  life has never been fair.  I walked to the bathroom and drank some water out of the tap then I tried to jerk off.  horny but unable.  life rearing it’s ugly head once again.  I flicked on the tv and watched tennis.  I used to play but now I watch.  I also used to play hockey.  soccer.  baseball.  even football for one game.  I quit because I was the best player on both teams but never got the ball.  similar to life now.  the wrong people succeed.  the bosses daughter.  the bosses wife.  the bosses son.  the bosses mistress who pretends that she’s his co-worker friend from many moons ago.  dull average people filling semi-important jobs…nothing is really that important.  Life is one big lie and one big joke.  the second you realize this is the second you begin to have fun and enjoy.
  anyway I watched tennis for a bit.  men’s. I would rather have watched women’s…especially in my horny state.  now that may come across as sexist and you may be indeed right but I am not.  I treat people the way they would like to be treated.  if they are nice.  if they are kind.  then I will be nice. I will be kind.  if they are dirty and pig like then I will treat them as such and then I will be called names by feminists but I DON”T GIVE A RAT’S ASS!!!  NOW DEAL WITH THAT ASSHOLES!!!
  Life is filled with politically correct do-gooders who are much worse than the people they are trying to bring down.  puppets.  clones.  maggots.  tired and lonely but evil and conniving all wrapped up in one big slimy shiny suit of bullshit.  FUCK THEM ALL AND THEN THROW AWAY THE ONE SEMI USED CONDOM FROM THREE YEARS AGO.
  I woke up horny and tired.  dry mouthed and shrivelled faced and pondered life…I also pondered death.  I then finally managed to blow my load into my left hand and flushed it down the sink with hot water.  sweating now.  tired now.  panting now.  hot now.  still dry mouthed now and LONELY.
I flicked channels and thought of my Dad.  I thought of my Mom.  I thought of Taylor and Liz.  I wondered where all the years have gone and then I wondered why some people get paid to design bad parking lots in Toronto.  random thoughts and random emotions.  everything was random.  I looked out the window and saw fog.  I then laid back down.  I miss my family.  I never want to leave them.  the problem with life is that you spend your whole lives with people and then they die and you never see them again.  so sad.  life is so sad.

I get up at 6:45am.  tired.  cold.  alone.  another day closer to death.  when will it come?  I worry that I won’t see my daughter grow up.  I worry that when it is my time to go I won’t want to go.  I won’t want to leave this beautiful earth even though it is filled with boring people and boring distractions.
  this is a world that applauds mediocre work daily.  if you really slow down and take a look at where we are right now in our world you will notice that we have over one hundred tv channels and yet there is very little to watch.  you will notice that people like Kim Kardashian are making millions.  so is Zac Efron.  Justin Bieber.  Rob Ford.  The Toronto Maple Leafs.  the red carpet is filled with no name actors and no name talent more concerned about what they are wearing than what they are working on.  creativity has taken a backseat to fluff.  to money.  to accolades.  boring actors applauding other boring actors.  boring writers applauding other boring writers.  boring musicians applauding other boring musicians.  one big borefest.
  artists were once the dangerous.  the unpredictable.  the explosive.  now they are the dull.  the predictable.  the geeky.  the religious.  I am an observer of life and observing a life filled with fluff and phoniness is becoming sickening and dull.  one need not look further than facebook.  dull.  predictable.  phony.  weak.
  I am an observer of life and what I have observed is that we no longer know what is good and what is bad.  we are all puppets and rarely do we have an opinion of our own.  we are all afraid to say anything because we are all protecting ourselves.  a protection that produces mediocrity and dullness.  we will all grow up.  we will all grow old.  we will all die.  and then we will all be forgotten.
  fact.  not fiction.