notanotherphony.

I sit at my computer and watch the dull posts.  the bragging from desperate people seeking desperate accolades.  seeking desperate affirmations.  seeking desperate love but producing desperate shit.  ONE BIG ORGY OF DESPERATION.  dull posts.  dull statements from other dull peasants and the dull peasants applaud.  the dull peasants “share”.  the dull peasants hit “like”.  dull people applauding other dull people.  film industry filled with commercials about nothing and very few films.  when the films are produced they are usually produced in a fucking fluffy way because no one knows better.  maggots.  rats.  balless geeks and sickeningly insecure chicks.  “hey boring insecure maggot…you are not in the film industry.  you are in the robotic commercial industry.  a big fucking difference.  one has balls the other is a group of insecure geeky drama queens.”
  make a statement.  make a difference.  shake the foundation.  wake people up.  we live in a selfish world.  a fake world.  a phony world.  facebook.  twitter. instagram.  they all add to the narcissism.  the disconnect.  a world filled with comic books and video games.  geeks and phonies.  nerds are just as phony as dull rich Yorkville types.  phoniness comes in all shapes and sizes and facebook has exposed us all.  WE ARE FUCKING DULL.
 I would rather fuck than play games.  I would rather fuck than watch dull tv.  I would rather fuck than watch shit plays.  I would rather fuck than watch shit movies.  I would rather fuck than watch shit commercials.  I would rather fuck than act in shit commercials.  I would rather fuck than read dull posts.  I would rather fuck than hang out with fake people talking about their fake projects and fake boobs.  I would rather fuck than be in a bank.  I would rather fuck than pay bills.  I would rather fuck than have Thanksgiving dinner.  I would rather fuck than be in jail.  I would rather fuck than eat brussel sprouts.  I would rather fuck than watch the boring video of the 3yr old singing some shit song.  FUCKING IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL.  ALL THE REST OF THE SHIT EATS AWAY AT YOUR SOUL. 

don’t walk away.  please.  I need you.  I love you.  I will miss you.  and then it happened.  my Dad died.  gone.  lost.  confused.  ten years old with my whole life ahead of me.  but no Dad.  “life goes on.”  yes it does but does the pain ever leave?  permanently…no…temporarily…yes. 
  fights.  arrests.  drugs.  booze.  fucks.  bad grades and bad jobs.  “life goes on.”  yes.  without my Dad.  yes.  and then someone else comes along to die to take the pain away from my Dad.  “thanks for dying.”  temporary pain once again.  mixed in with blackouts and more fucks.  more arrests.  “life goes on.”  psychiatrists and doctors.  psychologists and twelve step programs.  pills and more pills.  books and pictures.  heart to heart talks.  teachers.  principals.  unanswered prayers and unanswered phonecalls.  more deaths and more fucks.  more jobs and more arrests.  more booze and more blackouts.  everything became more.  older and wiser???  yes and no???  wisers deluxe and jack daniels.  mushrooms and blow.  ecstasy and weed.  a never ending need to escape and live at the same time.  life is filled with contradictions and surprises.  boredom and excitement.  rules and uncertainty.
  the amazing experience of having a baby.  your baby.  your child.  your responsibility.  then the pressures of providing in a world filled with selfishness and nepotism.  dull people and dull jobs.  ceo’s and nametag owners. 
  anger raging and fewer and fewer outlets.  sick individuals who own companies and steal from their employees but then are revered at the same time.  always smiling.  another contradiction.  conservatives who applaud war and killing but frown upon abortion.  drugs are bad but dismissing the poor and irrelevant is okay.  lies and lies.  fake smiles and fake dresses.  even fake teeth.
  then suddenly I realize I am ten years older than ten years ago.  ten years closer to death.  maybe sooner.  more deaths.  friends.  diseases.  life continuing.  mourning and then continuing.  continuing until the next death.  sadness once again and then suddenly realizing that I will never see my Dad ever again.  soon to never see my Mom ever again.  at some point will never see my brother again.  tears beginning to flow down my zitty face.  valentine’s day and thinking of Triggy and Rylee and knowing that, at some point, I will be old and wrinkled.  sitting on a chair and counting down the days until I die and never ever seeing Rylee and Triggy again.  never seeing Rylee grow old and get married and have kids and succeed in this game of life.  “POOF.”  gone.  forgotten.  buried underground.  alone.  forgotten.  scary.  sad.  truthful.  don’t walk away.  please.
  knowing that I will never see Triggy and Rylee ever again when I die hurts me.  life.

I wake up everyday with a new hope.  a new goal.  a new dream.  dreaming of a day when people would be real.  honest.  truthful.  loving.  exciting.  unpredictable.  fun.  I drop Rylee off at school and see her run around with her friends and this brings a huge smile to my face.  I then speak with the Principal about football, hockey, and other useless sports.  important when I was younger.  now just a waste of my fucking time.  time has quickly become precious.  important.  getting old sucks and DO NOT let anyone tell you otherwise.  a bunch of lies from people who have been fucking lying and fucking hiding their whole fucking lives!!!  DO NOT LET THE PEASANTS WIN.
  I then pick up Triggy and drive to work.  drive in the rat race with all the other depressed maggots.  dumb people and dumb roads.  no room.  no brains.  no life.  no hope.
  we then stop at Timmies and grab some coffees (my fourth) and proceed to work.  sitting in a building with old washed up salesmen and women.  close to retirement.  desperate.  old.  wrinkled.  shitty product and shitty personalities.  one big pile of shit.  I take a shit and then come back to our showroom.  look at beautiful product.  a beautiful girl (Triggy) and wonder what the fuck is wrong with people???  boring music.  boring stores.  boring movies.  boring food.  boring lives.  boring wives.  boring books.  boring dogs.  and boring houses.  a life filled with boredom and then death filled with fake gods and fake heavens.  fucking lies and fucking ties and fucking lives and fucking deaths.  everything has become one big FUCKING race to the bottom.  nobody cares about quality.  they only care about quantity and the race to the bottom will be a never ending one.  the sad part is that we are such a society full of dummies and sheep that nothing will change.  facebook has only proven just how dull people are.  seventy-five “likes” for a picture of some ugly dog sitting on some dull fat chick’s arm shows where we have gone.  Justin Bieber, Shia LeFUCKINGboeuf, Tori and Fucking Dean, Ellen, Simon Cowell, Drake, and Prime Minister Harper…almost forgot the fat fucking Rob Ford.  ABSOLUTE FUCKING DISGRACE AND WE FUCKING VOTED HIM IN.  we are so sad and pathetic and “HEY…WAKE THE FUCK UP BECAUSE LIFE IS SHORT AND YOU WILL ALL DIE LIVING SUCH SAD AND PATHETIC LIVES WORTHY OF NOTHING BUT REHASHED SHIT AND DRIVELS!!!”
  the walls are crumbling in and I begin to wonder if there is a way out.  all the fake self-help books and money driven psychiatrists not to mention fake teachers and fake politicians.  what has our world become?  maybe we are the aliens.  the real humans were in the sixties and seventies.  now we are robots and aliens.  puppets and sheep. 
  I sit at Starbucks and watch a fat fucking geek of a boy with his extra large track pants falling below his fat hairy ass and he has a semi hot girl all over him and I wonder just how insecure she is.  in a few years she will get fucked and fucked and fucked some more.  as long as she likes sex I see no problem as she sure as fuck is not getting laid from her fat fucking geeky boyfriend.  high school boys are sooooooooooo fucking awkward that I feel sorry for high school girls.  why fucking bother???
  life is one big topsy turvy amusement park and then we die and get buried underground and rot away with all the other rotters.  make the most of it and DO NOT lie and DO NOT take life too seriously and DO NOT listen to your elders and DO NOT listen to authority.  THEY ARE ALL WRONG.
  heart more important than head.  dead.  RIGHT SAID FRED.  bed.

another day.  another actor found dead.  drug overdose and the mourning begins.  I did not know the man.  I saw interviews and saw his movies.  I thought he was an interesting actor.  he made great choices in his work.  he opened up his heart.  he had a passion that few in this fucking phony industry have.  all the fucking phony maggots now come out and give their usual “rip” posts and feel they are part of this man’s life.  they feel they are part of some fucking phony bullshit club…and maybe they are.  a club that is filled with lies.  deception.  phony smiles and phony hair.  fake tits and fake handshakes.  a club that no one would notice if it fucking disappeared but, for some reason, is filled with narcissistic assholes who feel the world would stop if they stopped.  WRONG.  WRONG.  WRONG.
  do not get me wrong.  I feel sorry for this man.  I feel sorry for his family…if he had a family.  I feel sorry for all those he left behind.  maybe it was a mistake that he had an overdose.  I have been close many times myself.  I have put myself in much worse situations and lucky enough for me I have escaped.  but if I didn’t escape and I left behind my poor wife and daughter then I, too, would be an asshole.  a fucking selfish asshole.  I do not feel sorry for people who take their lives willingly.  we all have choices in this world.  many choices.  we also have resources.  many resources.  there are people all over the world with much worse lives and much worse health and much less resources and much less support who do not decide to take their lives.  IT IS A FUCKING DISGRACE THAT ALL THE FUCKING PHONY PEASANTS GIVE THEIR FAKE FUCKING EMPTY FUCKING CONDOLENCES…I say, “FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
  now I will go back to my own struggle.  my own life.  filled with obstacles.  filled with closed doors.  filled with the daily struggles of being a parent.  filled with daily struggles of being a real man in a phony world where fake people and fake youtube videos garner much more attention than real stories and real people.
  we have completely lost our fucking way and we all can look in the mirror and laugh…or cry.  your fucking choice.  just as it is your fucking choice to watch shitty shows and shitty movies and read shitty books and eat shitty food.  and “like” boring shitty posts.  and follow shitty fucking rules.
  once again, it is a sad time for Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s family and circle of friends but it makes me fucking puke listening to the outpour of fake fucking posts about someone you do not fucking know nor would ever fucking know.
  so I say, “FUCK YOU!!!”
 

another year.  now thirty six years since my Dad died.  I was ten at the time.  now I’m forty-six.  time flies when you’re having fun.  I am tired and bored.  dull and restless.  drunk but functioning.  want to fuck but there are no options.  Nicole is asleep and angry.  I listen to Leonard Cohen instead.
  I pour a glass of wine and have a drink.  tired.  bored.  drunk.  angry.   scared.  emotions and thoughts ruining my meaningless life.  if I was depressed I would drive a car into my garage and turn it on.  I am not depressed nor do I have a garage.
  Canadians are dull.  the leaders are dull.  the system is dull.  the awards shows are dull.  I drink a bottle of red wine and read a book about boredom.  I want to fall asleep but can’t.  torture always prevalent.  I look outside and see snow.  I see smoke.  I see dogs.  lots of dogs.  I close my blinds and continue reading.  I grab another bottle of wine and take off my clothes.  I look in the mirror and suck in my gut.  I fling my penis around and it grows.  my balls stay the same.  left nut sagging down more than my right.  I think about life and death and also think about time and how quickly it goes.  I then take a deep breath and sit down on the floor.  I begin to laugh but quickly begin to cry and then even more quickly begin to scream, “leave me alone.  leave me alone.  for fuck sakes leave me the fuck alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
  blood starts pouring down my face as my right hand digs into my right temple.  I scratch and scratch but can’t capture the dull maggot that sits on my right temple.  he is quicker than I thought.  I then grab a knife and stab my right temple.  blood gushing out quicker.  redder.  screams become louder.  maggot still not hurt.  not touched.  frustrated and in pain I go to the kitchen and open the freezer.  grab the acid that was sitting on a bed of ice and open the lid.  I then pour it all over my red bloody face.  “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH FUCK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  I screamed loudly.  my face burning.  blistering.  shivering.  bleeding.  “what is wrong with me???”
  I look for the maggot but he must have left.  I look in the mirror and see blood.  skin.  bones.  and blisters.  unrecognizable.  why was that maggot such a pest???  I put on a pot of coffee and jump in the shower.  The water was hot and I screamed, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH”.
  I then thought of all the blood that I had seen in my life.  my blood.  my Dad’s blood.  my Mom’s blood.  my brother’s blood.  friend’s blood.  girlfriend’s blood.  one night fuck’s blood.  random strangers blood.  Nicole’s blood.  And finally Rylee’s blood.  I live in a world filled with blood and boredom.  I stick my head in the freezer and fall asleep.  the next morning I wake up and have a slight cold.  I look outside and smile.  another new day.  hopes and dreams once again.
  “bang.  bang.  bang.  bang.  bang.  bang.  bang.”  bullets come straight through my balcony window and right into my temple.  the fuckers finally succeeded.  the peasants won.  the peasants always win.  I lay in a pool of blood.  alone.  sad.  naked.  tired.  and ultimately bored.  even in death I find the boredom.  then I closed my eyes and closed my life.  my one life.