insomnia – notanotherphony.

planned for a great sleep after another long day at work. long drive. long hours. long time to get stuff set up. windy outside. cool temps. planned for a great sleep. one beer. one glass of wine. anxiety meds. sleeping pills. reading. turned off the lights at 11:30pm. Sara snoring. Taylor downstairs sick. stuffy nose. coughing. lights go off. podcast on. some shitty podcast about making your art no matter what. too much woke culture talk. FUCK OFF!!!

fall asleep. then whining. murphy needs to go out for a shit. he has the runs. wait for him to come back in. go back up to bed. fall fast asleep and then murphy starts whining again. he needs to go back outside for a shit. he has the runs. we go back downstairs. i let him out and wait. he comes back in and we go back up. sara still snoring. somehow someway i fall back asleep again and then murphy whines again. wake up. go downstairs. open the door. wait for murphy to take a shit. he has the runs. wait. he comes back in. we go back up. windows open. cars starting. trucks moving. morning fast approaching. the dull and dumb commuters starting. 6am hits and my alarm goes off. murphy sound asleep. sara still snoring. taylor downstairs sick but sleeping. me awake. tired. frustrated. lost. confused. COFFEE TIME. OLD ESPRESSO MACHINE BACK. it was broken and, hopefully, now it’s not. everyone sleeping. me drinking coffee. no oat milk so it’s not the best. me writing. sara snoring. murphy sleeping. taylor downstairs sick, but, hopefully, sleeping. TIRED.

TIRED.

FRUSTRATED.

LOST.

STUCK.

my friend, joe, died yesterday. liver and kidney failure. too much booze. too lonely. no support. no purpose. what happened to him? did he not have anyone around to help him get back on track?

no friends?

no family?

no support?

no purpose?

SAD.

THE END.

LIFE JUST KEEPS ON MOVING.

TAKE CONTROL BUT HOW?

WHAT?

WHERE?

WHAT?

shitty sleep. angry and frustrated that, after working all day in the heat, i had to come home and cook dinner and walk murphy while taylor and sara went out to the keg. i didn’t care that they went out for dinner but they should have walked murphy. i brought it up to taylor and she had excuse after excuse and couldn’t just say, “i’m sorry.”

real communication and real connection is key.

vulnerability is key.

humanity is key.

i cannot win at home.

my fault for everything.

i am left alone to fend for myself. taylor and sara don’t see this. two against one. all the time it is two against one. only if i am in a calm, loveable, funny, and submissive mood are things good at home. i have to deal with messy clothes. messy kitchen. constant needless spending. needless take-out. constantly on phones and computers. bad shows. no conversation. no fun. no excitement.

LIVE LIFE TO IT’S FULLEST.

worked at york university yesterday and saw so many beautiful girls with hope and energy and fashion style. beauty is beautiful. inspiring. made me think of all my great times in college. such fun and excitement and hope and growth and learning.

can’t write right now. mind too busy. tired. sitting in a parking lot of a strip plaza. bad sleep. awake. asleep. awake. asleep. awake. asleep. time to go to my shitty job. busting my balls all day with guys that talk about nothing interesting. long drives. lots of traffic. lots of trucks. lots of accidents. lots of sitting. lots of waiting.

covid test for background work on a film. shitty film I am sure.

work at york university.

lots of beautiful girls but i am too old and too dirty for them to even notice me.

i am a construction worker on the outside but on the inside i am an artist. a lost artist.

DO ME.

WHO AM I?

WHAT DO I LOVE TO DO?

WHY?

Tag: insomnia

whining and shitting.

old and invisible.