Tag: health

sad and tired.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

sore still.

now my legs and knees and groin and back and shoulders and arms are all sore.

is it the boots that i am wearing?

i need a deep deep massage and new workboots.

also new running shoes.

i always “need” but i never have enough money for my “needs.”

where to get a job that, actually, pays me enough money to live?

search.

search.

search.

ask friends.

think up ideas.

brainstorm.

believe in myself.

i can do anything i set my mind to so set my mind to doing what i love to do.

come up with a plan and execute it.

why is this taking so long to do?

what is stopping me?

I AM HOT TODAY.

I AM TIRED TODAY.

early hours are killing me.

LITERALLY KILLING ME.

fix or heal one thing at a time.

one day at a time.

tomorrow is a new day.

daily habits but make the habits doable.

write.

run.

stretch.

meditate.

write.

run.

stretch.

meditate.

L

O

V

E.

BELIEVE.

BELIEVE.

BELIEVE.

storytelling.

time.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

mind manic and foggy.

too many books.

too many pills.

not enough exercise.

not enough confidence.

not enough time.

the walls are caving in and things seem tighter.

my shoulders and arms are in constant pain.

my knee is swollen.

my bank account is shrinking and i have a stale marriage in a stale town.

EXERCISE TODAY.

be more me.

be more selfish.

take the reigns.

we need a community of artists to make films that matter.

films that mean something.

we have enough garbage production on the market.

DON’T BE ANOTHER ONE.

the loudest are the dumbest.

the quiet ones are the smart ones but, in being smart, have too many doubts and too many fears. too many thoughts on too many topics.

i, sometimes, wish i liked coors light and had a man cave.

i want to go away and see other places. see other cultures.

orangeville is too dull for me.

routine is boring and painful for me.

too many people offering advice but i am, now, passed listening.

i am in a different period of my life.

i am old.

i am bald.

i am in pain.

my brain is foggy.

my hopes and dreams are fading.

CAN I GET OUT OF THIS STRUGGLE?

CAN I GET OUT OF THIS PAIN?

write daily stories.

mistakes and mindsets.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

i drank too much wine last night and stayed up way too late. i also ate a bag of chips and jerked off. not very productive and not disciplined at all.

i woke up tired and groggy and my body is in it’s usual pain. i’ve stopped taking my adderall much to the chagrin of my doctors but the side effects far outweigh the benefits. pounding head and, more importantly, my inability to sleep have, once again, stopped me from continuing with my meds. so tired and groggy but also noticing a pattern of helplessness and negativity in the mornings. this could be due to my daily drinking and lack of stable work. lack of stability period.

this year has been tough on me both physically and mentally. i had unsuccessful knee surgery in january which never did solve my knee issues and the pain and the swelling in my right knee has now put my whole alignment out of whack. now there is pain in other areas of my body. months of tests and bloodwork have revealed very little aside from a small hernia that isn’t serious at the moment. no arthritis. no gout. no auto-immune disorder. just a painful body and an unresolved knee issue. i had an appointment with a top knee surgeon scheduled for friday but i booked a tiny part in a popular tv series on the same day. such is my life as a man without a real job nor a real career. the struggle is real.

today i worked construction for half a day then drove down to the film studio for a wardrobe fitting and then sat in bumper to bumper traffic on my two hour drive home. i had a great and inspiring conversation with a good friend of mine who is also a great artist. we spoke about our struggles both mentally and financially but also spoke about our potential and our lack of positive mentors growing up.

I REALLY AM TRYING TO BETTER MY LIFE.

i am consumed with mindsets.

i have struggled in life and continue to struggle.

i have made many mistakes and made some very poor decisions.

but i have also lived a great life filled with great fun and great friends and i have a beautiful daughter and a beautiful wife who are all part of the struggle. part of the journey.

anxiety is real for me.

i am ready to learn and grow and i will run again and i will open up and find me again.

LOVE WITH ALL OF MY HEART.

i am not drinking tonight.

chicken or go.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

i am so sick of rich entitled cunts (men) being in charge of our businesses. being in charge of our families. being in charge of our countries. running the world into chaos and confusion. confusion and then oblivion. living lavish lives at the expense of the lower class. making deals. swinging deals. trading. speculating. masturbating. fornicating. fucking and phony. phony and fucking. wars and murders and chaos and extreme poverty and more wars and more rapes. torture and lies. lies and torture. leaders?

but many people revere these maggots. bow down to these maggots. look up to these maggots. rich rodents with fake white teeth and fake pompous accents. these maggots have done nothing to improve the world. lavish vacations and lavish dinners. lavish yet dull. dull and depressing.

how boring is kevin o’leary?

how boring is jordan petersen?

how boring is pierre poillievre?

bonnie crombie too.

ford is not boring just not smart. easily bought. fake white teeth. but no other viable options leads to the same old same old status quo.

is there anybody out there?

REVOLUTION.

REVOLUTION.

REVOLUTION.

STOP PUTTING THESE MAGGOTS ON PEDESTALS.

finally got a good sleep last night.

2 bottles of wine.

2 beers.

2 bowls of cereal.

2 sleeping pills.

what a concoction.

what a sleep.

i may not be able to sustain that bedtime routine but it worked for now.

for now it will do.

a big monday on my plate today.

  1. psychotherapist appt.
  2. walk my dog.
  3. meditate/stretch.
  4. clean house.
  5. mail two boxes.
  6. read.
  7. write.
  8. do the dishes.
  9. gym.
  10. walk the dog again.
  11. look for a job.
  12. audition for some shitty movie.
  13. sleep.

my daily lists and daily activities and chores are dull. dull and boring and routine and uninspiring.

my life is uninspiring at the moment.

CHANGE.

CHANGE.

CHANGE.

SMALL STEPS.

NO TIME.

TIME WINDING DOWN.

BODY FALLING APART.

MIND FOGGY.

CONFIDENCE DRAINED.

CHANGE.

CHANGES.

JERK OFF?

MAYBE.

SHITTY MOVIES AND SHITTY SHOWS?

YES.

DO YOU WANNA FIGHT?

CHICKEN OR GO?

GO.

GO.

GO.

WHAT?

WHY STOP THERE?

TEASE.

TEASE.

TEASE.

chicken?

NO GO!!!

JESUS SAVES.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

people take their jobs much too seriously. people take their positions much too seriously. stress which leads to bad behaviour and bad leadership. we are a culture of people pleasing at the expense of our mental health. at the expense of treating people properly. at the expense of our backbone. bowing down and bowing to the rich who go out for expensive dinners and drink expensive wines. money that was passed down to them from their parents. old money passed down over and over again. and despite what we want to do our minds and bodies bow down to them too. look up to them. smother them with fake compliments and fake laughs. but back to my original point. why do we take our jobs so seriously? selling shoes. serving food. cutting grass. installing sprinkler systems. all jobs that could disappear and nobody would bat an eye or an eyelash. no lives are being saved. JESUS SAVES. no kids are being taught. no decisions being made on nuclear weapons, nuclear bombs, and nuclear waste. grass. shoes. food. drink. make it about people. be a good leader. be a good person. be someone who inspires. someone who brings joy.

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF AND IT IS ALWAYS SMALL STUFF.

why do restaurants have to be sooo stressful? soooo toxic?

why are there pretentious restaurant goers?

why do we cater to rich elites with deep pockets and no soul?

why choose the path of losing oneself to please someone else?

NO MISTAKES ALLOWED.

who set up such a fantastic system?

why do we follow such a shitty system?

why do we allow life to be so stressful?

DO NOT LET PEOPLE TALK DOWN TO YOU.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU LET ANYONE TALK DOWN TO YOU.

UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR IS UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR.

HIERARCHIES MEAN NOTHING.