i sit in the hospital room. palliative care. it is sunny outside. smiling faces. honking horns. wind blowing. radios blaring. but inside it is quiet. nanny lying down. eyes closed. breathing but never really going to live again. she has been given forty-eight hours to live. she will pass away in less than two days. eighty-five years of living and it comes down to this. lying down on a crappy bed with tubes hooked up to her. looking at her family that will never ever see her again. sadness has filled the room. beautiful cards with beautiful messages. inspiring and sad at the same time. pictures fill the room. old pictures of a time when life was fun and exciting. fresh and new. i look at nanny lying there and cry. i’m not the only one. tears fill the room. life is cruel. you never know when it is going to end and yet we continue to live like we will never die. neglecting friends. neglecting family. neglecting hopes. neglecting dreams. death facing nanny in the eye and what does she say??? “how is work going christian?” so kind. so caring. i look at her holding back the tears and think of the pain she is in. wondering about the thoughts that fill her head. i want to hug her the way i would like to hug my mom. i rarely talk to my mom. she will die soon. sad. lonely. sad life filled with regrets and wishing she had more years left but realizing she doesn’t. i do not want my mom to die. i do not want nanny to die. i look at nicole and see such a loving person. i cry again. time slows down. for a moment. it will speed up again and death will inevitably happen. for nanny. for mom. for nicole. for rylee. for me. dad…i miss you so much. i wish that you lived longer. i love you nanny.
i love my real friends.
grey cup has arrived. it is sunday. didn’t go to church. never do. didn’t pray. never do. once did. never worked. so now i don’t.
i sit on the toilet. i argue with Triggy. she is pms’ing but i am wrong. always wrong. so i leave. i walk to the streetcar stop. i stand. i wait. always waiting. always standing. it is sunny. it is cold. no jacket. never wear one. usually hot. today i’m cold.
the streetcar arrives and i get on. i walk to the back and sit down. i look around. i see a girl to my right reading a book by chuck palaniuk (not sure how to spell his name). interesting. looks good. dark hair. burgundy pants. peaceful. quiet. slow. there is a boy to the right of me as well. sprawled out. taking up three seats. i am annoyed but remain calm. I AM GOING TO THE GREY CUP. avoid danger. avoid pests. avoid confrontations. life becoming one big avoidance. the boy looks over. i look away. do not want to release the rage…yet. at some point it will be released. I AM GOING TO THE GREY CUP.
“look at this bitch. BLOCKING THE WHOLE AISLE WITH HER STROLLER. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS BITCH?” the boy across from me yells. rage bubbling. mine. not his. i continue to avoid him. he is a pest. i recognize him.
“OH SHIT…LOOK AT THIS CAR. HOLY FUCK!!!” same boy screams. obviously no filter. everyone else silent. should i engage? should i engage? NO. i am smart. for now. no booze. no fire. I AM GOING TO THE GREY CUP.
i stare out the window. the streetcar getting busier. two gay guys sit behind “the boy”. “this is going to be interesting,” i thought. gay guys talk. the boy stares straight ahead. tossing. turning. edgy. restless. angry. not me. HIM.
“Tyler should stop treating me like that. i don’t like it,” the one gay guy said to the other.
“yes he should,” the other gay guy said back.
the boy looked back. back at the gay couple. maybe a fight. a staredown..
“what?” one gay guy said.
“nothing…my name is Tyler.,” the boy replied.
all three men (boys) laughed. they began to talk. open up. reveal.
“where are you going Tyler?”
“going to score some dope.”
“hope you don’t do hard drugs?”
no way. i used to do chrystal meth. i was hooked.”
“stay away from the hard drugs Tyler. just stay away.”
the talk continued and continued. i was surprised. the angry young boy was engaged in “real” conversation with the older gay couple. all the boy needed was love. respect. understanding. i was ready to give him rage but he got love instead. i was happy for him.
the ride progressed or digressed depending on how you looked at it. it was slow. always is. ttc never the better way. ttc forcing you to drive. except when drinking. sometimes. i was getting close to my stop. sudden yelling from the back. drunken man. old. dirty. white. smelly.
“GUANTANAMO BAY. FUCKING GUANTANAMO BAY,” the old smelly white drunk man kept yelling. not actually knowing where Guantanamo Bay is. “MUSLIMS. FUCKING MUSLIMS. FUCK YOU. FUCK THIS. GUANTANAMO BAY. FUCK,” drunk man continued. he was restless. the rest of the streetcar was silent. as i was about to leave i noticed Tyler (boy) get up. restless and edgy again. “WHO THE FUCK IS YELLING BACK THERE?” Tyler screamed. no filter once again. i exited the streetcar and began to walk towards the bar. drunk, smelly, dirty, disgusting, old man was behind me. too drunk to drink anymore. Tyler the boy leans out of the window and yells at drunk pig. drunk pig snaps out and runs at the streetcar and smashes his dirty hands on the glass in front of Tyler. gay guys invisible. i continue to walk and look back. Tyler still screaming. drunk guy yelling at other people. everyone angry. except me. I AM GOING TO THE GREY CUP.
i arrive at fionn macool’s on esplanade and see greek sitting down with his son Ben and Ben’s friend John. wings. calamari. beers. this is going to be a fun night. always nice to see old friends. how many times will i see Bill before one of us dies? sad thoughts constantly creeping into my bald head. we eat and drink some more and then head out. Bill pays of course. rogers centre is our destination.
our walk is cold. our walk is long. our walk is uneventful. too cold to laugh. too cold to yell. too cold to talk. we walked. and walked. and walked. we arrived. we pulled our big plastic tickets out of our pant pockets and handed them to the pretty girls working at the ticket booth thingy and then walked in. i got frisked. i always get frisked.
we quickly ordered two tall boys. i got asked for i.d. (maybe she liked me). then we went to our seats. crammed in as usual. i’m six feet tall and one hundred and eighty pounds and i am scrunched into my seat like a canned sardine. uncomfortable. painful. how do guys six feet and five inches do it? greedy corporations even ruining my grey cup experience…trying to ruin it. NOT SUCCEEDING.
we see Hank the Shank Ilesic, an old argo punter. we laugh. we yell his name. he doesn’t respond. why would he? we order more beers. more food. look around. and around. and around. head spinning. we talk. we laugh. we drink. periodically watch the game and periodically scream. WE NEED MORE BEERS. WE NEED MORE BEERS.!!!
Luis Fernandes arrives. with beers. LOTS OF BEERS. he is working. we are drinking. the game is getting better. argos are winning. the chants are beginning. “AAAAAAAAAAARGOOS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGOOOS!!!” everyone drunk. except the kids. a big party. old times back again. old friends. relationships the most important thing in life. the game is getting close to half time. the stadium is louder. the people are drunker. puke everywhere. cheerleaders everywhere. looking to get laid. not me. them. JUSTIN BIEBER ARRIVES. THE HALF TIME SHOW. WHY JUSTIN BIEBER? WHAT CORPORATE SUIT DECIDED THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? bad decisions constantly in life. rich people get away with them. poor people don’t. LIFE UNFAIR ONCE AGAIN.
the cheering quickly became booing. old white drunk cowboys don’t seem to like justin bieber. his set ends quickly. put out of his misery. he and his “dancers” performed two songs. justin lipsynched both…of course. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR JUDGEMENT OF TALENT? WE ARE A PATHETIC COMPLACENT DULL NICE BORING COMMUNITY. YAY!!! I AM SO CANADIAN!!!
anyway, the useless half time show ended and we ordered more beers off of Luis. we screamed more. we drank more. we talked more. we laughed more. I LOVE MY REAL FRIENDS.
the argos continued to score. continued to win. we might actually have a winning team in toronto. the crowd was getting louder. drunker. cops appearing. fight breaking out. does anyone actually watch the game? the argos won. we left. we screamed, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGOOOOOOOOOOOOSSS!!!” chaos. excitement. fun. friends.
Bill and his son Ben and Ben’s friend John left to get the car. i walked to the streetcar. it was still cold. only this time i was drunk. not angry.
people were everywhere. drunk. screaming. excitement. toronto actually has a pulse. i walked and i walked. i love walking. i spotted two dorks ahead of me. both wearing matching leather ryerson engineering jackets. geeks. one walked with a bounce. he also walked on his toes. i didn’t know that people still did that. it’s so 80’s. anyway, the geeks in front of me bounced and bounced. then the toe bouncer/walker grabbed a timmies coffee cup and threw it at the bank of montreal building. glass window to be precise. i watched and i wondered. i looked again and thought, “why? what’s the point?” obviously these two geeks have never made love to a beautiful woman. i have. still do. they obviously never will. so sad. so pathetic. our world is filled with people like this and then i get arrested for telling a mcdonald’s manager that if he doesn’t leave me alone i will take my ski’s out and ski on his forehead. LIFE STILL NOT FAIR.
after witnessing the geeks vandalize bank of montreal i walked ahead on my journey home. needed a coffee. another addiction. i was alone. i was alive. i walked onto queen st. and made my way west. i saw the usual drunks.. the usual punks. still needed a coffee. saw the streetcar but didn’t take it. enjoying my walk. my freedom. grabbed my coffee. drank my coffee. walked. saw streetcar. different one. this one i took. i got on. sat. drunk. still looked at girls…i think. long ride. got off. walked. walked. walked. entered my condo. walked through lobby. didn’t see anyone. got on elevator. got off elevator. entered my actual apartment and drank a glass of wine. red.
OBSERVATIONS:
1. i love my friends.
2. love is better than rage.
3. Tyler needed love that i wasn’t going to give him.
4. gay guys offered Tyler respect.
5. dirty angry white old drunk man screaming on the streetcar was dirty angry white and old. also alone. also sad.
6. i love drinking.
7. i love people watching.
8. i love excitement.
9. i am getting old.
10. i love my family.
11. people can boo justin bieber if they want.
12. corporate suits sometimes make really dumb decisions.
13. i love people.
14. i love life.
change.
i want to first start by saying that i am not perfect. i have never professed to being perfect nor do i ever think i will achieve complete perfection. but i strive to become as close to perfect as possible and i strive to be the best person i can be and lead the most exciting productive and fun life i can.
this all starts by first looking in the mirror…my mirror…and deciding what is wrong with me and what i can do to change. if you are completely happy with your life…no need to look in the mirror. unless you want to fix your hair. for me i look many times in the mirror. and not to fix my hair as i am almost bald. i look daily in the mirror and will look daily in the mirror until i die. i want to grow. always. i want to learn. always. i want to evolve. always. thus i look in the mirror.
this is not easy to do at times and sometimes looking in the mirror can be very depressing. almost as depressing as never looking in the mirror and eventually dying a lonely, mundane, and irrelevant person.
over the years i have seen numerous psychiatrists. psychologists. therapists. read countless books. some self help. some philosophical. some fiction. some inspiring (biographies). i have watched many intellectual and inspiring shows. i have listened to many tapes on motivation. i have read many articles on facebook. i have watched many youtube motivational videos. i have taken many different medications. i have been to a.a. i have been to an alcohol and drug rehab centre. i have been to church. i have had many intellectual conversations with friends. i have exercised regularly. i have observed my daughter. i have listened to policemen. i have shared my life with my wife. i have written personal stories that i have shared. i have tried reiki. i have tried yoga. i have attempted meditation. i have gone to confession. and i have prayed.
not all of these things have been for my personal pleasure. i could sit on my couch and watch reality shows. i could choose to watch only movies that give me an escape from reality. i could choose only to listen to music that is an escape from reality. i could choose to only read books that make me dream of beautiful lovers in mystical places far far away. i could choose to never comment on anything controversial for fear of being judged. i could choose to never exercise. i could choose to not look at the truth. i could choose to convince myself that there is no point in growing and no point in fighting the system because nothing will ever change. i could choose to sit back and accept every lie that govt’s and other authoritarians deliver. i could choose to be status quo. i could choose to be just another cog in the mundane system of life. i could choose to accept my poorly paid job that i don’t like and try and force myself into some sort of happiness because “if you just think positive thoughts your life will be positive.” I could choose to lie on facebook and tell everyone how great life is and pretend that “getting old is good because you have more wisdom.” i could choose to sit back and watch others try and live their dreams because my dreams are unattainable. i could choose to give up my life for my kids. i could choose to follow rules that do not make any sense because they were written and put in place hundreds of years ago. i could choose to follow the bible and only the bible. i could choose to listen to every single thing my mom says because she is my mom. BUT I DON’T. I HAVE CHOSEN THE PATH OF GROWING AND TRYING TO TAKE IN ALL THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER.
another year has passed and i will look forward to the january posts on facebook about new year’s resolutions of losing weight and going to the gym etc etc etc only to stop seeing the excitement by february. countless updates in january of exact exercise routines quickly get changed to posts about kardashians and typical vacations and dog posts and dog pictures and celebrity gossip. it is the same every year. i am all for the new year’s resolution but DO IT. FOLLOW THROUGH. MAKE THE CHANGES NECESSARY IN ORDER TO GROW OR AT LEAST ATTEMPT IT. LOOK IN THE MIRROR. CHANGE ONLY COMES ABOUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF OBJECTIVELY AND THOROUGHLY. if you are happy then disregard this but i see a sick society out there. a complacent society. a dull society. a society that lacks love. that lacks compassion. that lacks human interaction. instead of watching kardashians… read a book. exercise. have a friend over and talk. watch a truthful movie. a hard movie. not a movie that is fluff. there is a misconception out there that “depressing movies will make me sad. my life is already sad i want to escape for a bit.” BULLSHIT. WATCH THAT DEPRESSING MOVIE BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL. IT WILL SPARK CONVERSATION. IT WILL STICK WITH YOU. WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO ESCAPE? ESCAPE WHAT? I WANT TO LIVE AND EXPERIENCE LIFE. I WANT TO FEEL NOT HIDE. I WANT TO TALK NOT TEXT. IF I WAS SINGLE I WOULD TRY AND FUCK AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE UNTIL I GOT MARRIED. IS SEX BAD? WHO MADE THAT STUPID RULE UP AND WHY ARE WE FOLLOWING IT???
as always i start getting tired. it is 1:19am on a sunday night. i must go to sleep. no wine tonight so i am pretty sure i will be tossing and turning all night. before you criticize i have looked in the mirror on this one and i am trying to figure out healthier ways to fall asleep. chamomile tea is good.
once again if you are all happy and content with your lives then choose to not look in the mirror. this year will be the same as the last which would have been the same as the one previous to that. if you are okay with this then continue to do what you know best. but if you want more out of life then start making some changes. the first one would be to look in the mirror differently.
good night and good luck.
death.
in the wake of the terrible tragedy in Connecticut today i have decided to give my thoughts on death.
my first experience with death as far as i know happened when i was ten years old. it still affects me today much to the chagrin of certain family members. my dad died at the age of thirty-six from a brain hemmorhage. he was vibrant. full of life. full of energy. the best dad ever…and he died. dropped dead one cold february night way back in 1978. february 17, 1978 to be exact. for me it was devastating!!! my mom and brother were devastated as well. my mom never remarried and still lives in the same house in unionville that we lived in when my dad was alive. my brother has moved on but he complains that he never got a chance to really know my dad as he was only seven when my dad passed away. a family was in crumbles. still is. one death. brain hemmorhage. we didn’t witness it. just heard about it. sadness. tears. loneliness. devastated.
my second experience with death was my nana who lived with us at the time and who babysat my brother and I while my parents worked. she died a month after my dad. it was blurry. i was still thinking about my dad.
i also witnessed my mom also die as she had an overdose of painkillers while taking a bath and collapsed. ambulance called. annie, her friend, arrived to save her. dom and i sitting in the hallway wondering what was wrong with us? life was supposed to be fun.
my mom survived…barely. she was in pain. the love of her life was no longer around to share everything life had to offer. sad.
then the principal of my school died in a horrific car crash on a snowy day in january and the school was devastated. sadness once again. prayers. tears. questions. death. grade seven. twelve years old. my whole life ahead of me.
high school brought more deaths. gary brown, a friend from grade school, was murdered one snowy winter day and found chopped up and buried in many pieces in a big snowpile. why?
a good friend of the family was killed before his twentieth birthday in a car crash while coming home from school. snowy. parents never recovered.
then there were many rapes and murders of young innocent girls in the mid eighties. sick. sad. terrified. questions and no answers.
one of my mom’s friends committed suicide. why? we’ll never know. pain too painful.
one of our neighbours also committed suicide. no answers once again.
my ex-girlfriend’s uncle committed suicide. what is wrong with life? no answers.
funerals always bringing me back to my dad.
mr. vine our close friend…dead…snowmobiling accident. great guy. dom and i stayed at the vine’s house the night my dad died. close friends. caring. sad.
grandad…dead.
nana tait…dead.
auntie chris…dead.
maureen, my mom’s friend…dead. cancer.
my mom’s friend russ…dead. cancer.
jonah’s dad…dead. cancer.
uncle frank and auntie ann…dead.
nicole’s nanny…the rock of the family…dead. cancer. we watched her live her last few days. sad.
still thinking about my dad. still crying.
wars. 9/11. rapes and murders. serial killers. mass murderers. death.
watching the proceedings unfold today in connecticut…crying with triggy…watching and crying. sadness. empathetic. imagining parents waiting in the fire station for information on their missing kids (babies really). crying again. thinking. crying. wondering. life. RYLEE. soft christmas music on…more tears.
puting myself in the poor parents’ shoes. putting myself in the poor childrens’ shoes. desk crackling. looking down and thinking sad thoughts once again.
please people…for the love of humanity…put yourselves in the shoes of these poor parents who are left devasted at christmas (they have probably already bought many gifts for their “LOVES”) and feel something. please. we need to change the way we live. we need to change the way we treat others. we need to think more about humanity and not just money and greed. human beings are being lost daily in useless wars. human beings are lost to murder. human beings are lost to cancer. human beings are lost to car accidents. human beings are lost to depression and suicide. BUT MOST OF ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE LOST TO LACK OF LOVE AND EMPATHY FROM FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS. WHEN WILL WE ALL REALIZE THIS AND START TREATING ALL HUMAN BEINGS THE WAY WE WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED. NO MORE EXCUSES.
let’s get back to playing and interacting and get away from bad video games, bad movies, bad music, and “tweeting”. HUMAN CONTACT IS NEEDED.
life is short…love big and love all.
the wrong people get published.
i am tossing and turning in Rylee’s bed. one glass of wine. tired. edgy. frustrated. i turn to the right. i turn to the left. knocking up above. loud talking up above. stomping up above. there is always someone up above looking down on me and ruining my sleep. ruining my life. why do they always find me??? what is wrong with people??? what is wrong with life??? where are the good ones??? infiltrated with the dull. the mundane. the sick. the rich. the copycats. the future? i don’t see it. there is a lack of love. lack of respect. but these bores get rewarded. the dumb leading the dummer. we must stop the vicious downward cycle. it must stop. STOP. THINK. BREATHE. DO NOT FOLLOW. DISOBEY THE DUMB RULES. treat others as you would like to be treated. find the love. find the passion. create. don’t follow. talk. don’t listen. do. don’t sit. fear must be removed. the wrong people get published. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. CHANGE THE RULES. FIGHT THE SYSTEM. BE SMART. BE INNOVATIVE. BE UNIQUE. BE CREATIVE. SHIP. DO NOT HIDE. the world is filled with boring people. SHEEP. DOGS. BATS. FISH. HOT DOGS. WALMART. MCDONALD’S. HARVEYS. POLICE STATIONS. SALES TEAMS. TELEMARKETERS. DICTATORS. PRODUCERS. TEACHERS. PRESIDENTS. PRIME MINISTERS. CEO’S. ACCOUNTANTS. BANKERS. SECURITY GUARDS. DOPE DEALERS. PIMPS. PROSTITUTES. HOOKERS. GREED. BORES. REGRET. DEATH.
notanotherphony. 