notanotherphony.

we have one life to live.  one.  why don’t we do anything and everything to make that life better?  why do we continue to get in our own way?  why do we allow useless people who feed us useless information to waste our time?  waste our energies?  we have one life to live.  ONE.

we are born into this world amidst chaos and excitement.  parents generally excited to welcome their new baby into this world.  generally filled with smiles and genuinely filled with love.  so what happens after that?  why do some parents continue to love their kids and others do not?  why have kids if you don’t want to have kids?  do most people get sucked in by society and it’s never ending rules of boredom and dullness?  why do so many people continue to follow the old dried up rules from yesteryear that continues to make them miserable and in debt?  why?  and these same parents THRUST their dull opinions and advice on their poor kids who don’t want their advice but get it nonetheless.  parents who are miserable with their own lives.  miserable with their failed choices and failed marriages.  parents who know the clock is ticking but cannot get out of their own depression.  their own quicksand.  their own way.  parents who followed their parents and their grandparents and so on and so on.  rules made up by old rich white guys with stupid lapels and stupid grins.  stupid men with big pockets and even bigger egos.  big heads.  big cars.  big houses.  big red noses.  big suits.  everything big except their penises.  overcompensation ALWAYS IN FULL ORDER.

so why do we continue to listen to our elders if they are wrong about life?  wrong about death.  wrong about themselves but never able to look in the mirror to fix themselves.  to help themselves.  to help their families.  families passing shitty advice down the line until, hopefully, one brave soul breaks the cycle.  but that BRAVE SOUL needs big shoulders and big plans.  big ideas and big passions.  a bigger heart and a bigger soul to break the cycle of WRONG.  to break the cycle of BOREDOM.  to break the cycle of doing anything and everything for the government but the government never doing anything nor everything for you.  BREAK THE CYCLE AND BREAK IT NOW.

WE HAVE ONE LIFE TO LIVE.  one.  live it.  love it.  embrace it.  think for yourself.  do not listen to your parents if what they are teaching you is wrong.  if what they are showing you is dull.  if you witness them, from afar, chasing possessions and chasing accolodes and yet you also witness, from afar, the depression and anger and stress that results from the never ending chase, then DO NOT FOLLOW.  follow your own rules of life.  your own thoughts.  your own emotions.  but in order to be brave enough to follow your rules.  your thoughts.  your ideas.  your life.  you must get out of your motherfucking way.  break vicious cycles.  break vicious bad habits.  break off bad relationships with bad people who waste your time and even worse, waste your energy.  you must know what makes you happy.  know what makes you laugh.  know what turns you on.  know what excites you.  know what angers you.  know what depresses you.  know what saddens you.  but YOU must know.  not your depressed parents nor your non caring doctor nor your barely caring teacher nor your nosey neighbour nor your dull mayor nor your dull premier nor your dull prime minister nor your dull president.  YOU MUST KNOW.  and the only way to know yourself is to look at yourself.  look at your life.  slow down and look.  look closely.  DO NOT look with someone else’s eyes.  some else’s opinions.  look with your eyes.  your emotions.  your thoughts.  slow down and look.  look.  does your fancy car make you happy?  does your fancy house make you happy? do your fake IG posts make you happy?  do Vegas trips make you happy?  where you sit and gamble away the day.  gamble away your life.  does it?  does it really make you happy?   we are all different so maybe it does.  BUT you must really look and really  decide for you.

look.

slow down.

look.

contrary to all the dull assholes that live dull lives and have fake opinions and fake smiles, ANGER IS GOOD.  ANGER will tell you something about yourself.  what makes you angry?  what makes you feel?  what makes you smile?  what makes you engage?  WHAT TURNS YOUR CRANK?

I cannot possibly understand the notion of sitting back and wasting my life away.  we all get old.  fact.  you can pull your wrinkled skin back 100 ft and you will still be old.  you can have tummy tucks.  breast lifts.  nose jobs.  lip enhancements.  facelifts.  fake hair.  fake clothes.  fake cars.  fake smiles and fake hearts.  BUT YOU ARE STILL OLD.

one life to live.

live it.

r.i.p.  R.I.P.  rest in peace.  these words.  these letters are uttered constantly when someone dies.  fake tears from fake souls and fake smiles.  why rest in peace?  why rest in peace?  what does that mean?  we utter these words to family members.  we utter these same words to strangers.  to celebrities.  to fake politicians and fake bosses.  we utter these words as if the person who has just died was living in extreme chaos.  extreme shame.  extreme torment.  we utter these words as if death is better than life.  but why?  what is wrong with people?  life is filled with so many great people.  so many great activities.  so many great musicians filled with great music that touches the souls of anyone who has a soul.  the world is filled with so many great artists filled with so many great sayings.  so many great writings.  so many great paintings.  so many great films.  tortured souls stripped down naked and exposing themselves to the world for the soulful to listen to.  for the soulful to see.  the soulful to feel.  tortured souls bringing about sanity in an insane world.  an insane world filled with fake parents.  fake bosses.  fake friends.  fake leaders.  fake food.  fake music.  fake movies.  fake books.  a fake world which applauds racist orange haired maggots while leaving real artists filled with real hearts and real souls buried in trash.  buried in doubt.  buried in misery.  buried in fear.  fear of their parents.  fear of their peers.  fear of their bosses.  fear of their dads.  dads who send texts and, sometimes, send monies but NEVER sending their hearts.  never sending their souls.  dads who put themselves on pedestals while fucking up their kids for life.  fucking them up but never owning up.  too busy chasing money.  too busy chasing possessions.  too busy chasing everything that life has to offer but never finding peace.  never finding contentment.  sad individuals surrounding other sad individuals.  followers of shitty politicians.  shitty souls.  shitty people with shitty conversations about shitty cars, shitty boats, and shitty houses but so proud of themselves for “making it” in a world that has never defined what “making it” truly is.  family always talked about as the most important aspect of life but so many families are tortured.  so many families are torn apart.  zero love and even less compassion.  families going through the motions while life continues to come down on them.  constant drama.  constant regret.  constant abandonment.  constant lies.  everything constant in families EXCEPT trust.  zero trust.  zero trust.  zero trust.  empty words.  empty promises.  empty hearts.  empty souls.  families following shitty rules made up by shitty politicians who ALWAYS favour the rich.  ALWAYS favour the white.  fucking phonies following other fucking phonies.

sad.

family.

how can dads abandon their kids?

how can moms abandon their kids?

how can life be so demanding that you choose to NOT see your sons?   you choose to NOT see your daughters?

then these same moms and same dads will be old and shrivelled up after years of abandonment and years of chasing the wrong dreams.  chasing the wrong people.  blowing loads over fake bosses and fake houses.  fake pictures.  fake Instagram accounts.  fake families in a society that applauds fake.  applauds rich.  applauds rich and fake even though rich and fake do nothing for anybody but themselves.

these old and shrivelled up moms and dads will sit on their deathbeds looking for sympathy.  looking for acceptance.  looking for forgiveness while mired in GUILT.

ABANDONED SONS.

ABANDONED DAUGHTERS.

ABANDONED GRANDKIDS.

how does a mom or dad ABANDON their kids?

how?

when a mom and a dad welcome a tiny innocent vulnerable newborn kid into their lives how can they ABANDON that very same kid twenty years later?  how?  how?  how can someone be that selfish?  that weak?  that greedy?  that sick?

human relationships.

family love.

ABANDONMENT.

family abandonment.

HOW?

WHY?

TRUST.  TRUST.  TRUST.

being abandoned hurts.  being abandoned is devastating.  being abandoned sets off a train reaction that never ends.  constant fear.  constant insecurity.  constant hiding.  constantly waiting for the next abandonment.  constantly waiting for the next rejection.  constantly putting people on pedestals hoping for a new life.  hoping for a new outcome.  hoping for help but the help never comes because the abandoned person is sooooo closed from years of being hurt by the very people that should NEVER hurt them.  their mom.  their dad.

family can be soooooo loving.  soooooooo helpful.  soooooooooo inspiring.

family can be filled with unconditional love at all times.

that is a great family.

but family can also be soooooo hurtful.  soooooooo detrimental.  sooooooooo sad.  sooooooo sick.  soooooooo non-existent.

why hurt our children?

why abandon our children?

why do we damage our innocent children so much?

fucked up individuals fucking up their family for life.

sad.

sad.

sad.

r.i.p.

R.I.P.

rest in peace.

my busy mind continues to get busier while continuing to be less productive.  filled with thoughts.  filled with books.  filled with music.  filled with youtube clips.  filled with massive amounts of information.  filled with passion.  filled with fire.  filled with rules.  filled with “to do” lists.  filled with schedules.  filled with frustration.  noise.  headaches.  blurry eyes.  barking dogs.  screaming kids.  firework explosions.  car alarms and chirping birds.  a sensitive mind and a sensitive heart.  sore wrists.  sore ankles.  sore back.  sore shoulders.  sore head.  everything sore.  everything busy.  nothing accomplished.  day planners.  yoga.  cycling.  tennis.  soccer.   HEAD POUNDING.  NOISE.  NOISE.  NOISE.  WHY IS EVERYONE SO FUCKING LOUD???

barely functioning.  barely hanging on.  a medical system that pushes the mentally ill to the curb.  pushes them with a big stick.  a big sign.  a big list of lies and a big list of red tape complete with waiting lists and waiting on phones with bad music.  sitting and waiting.  sitting AND waiting.  sitting and waiting.  a waiting game of epic proportions.  waiting in vain for a miracle to happen but, instead, stuck in a system that favours the rich.  favours the elite.  favours the dull.  a powerful system of corruption.  a powerful system of fraud.  a powerful system of greed.

“you can call back in four months.  we get a lot of referrals from doctors”.  the same message over and over and over.  paying for health care that doesn’t help.  “try this pharmaceutical DRUG.  if that doesn’t work, try this one.  if that doesn’t work, try this one.”

“Can I get a prescription for medicinal marijuana?”

“NO…THERE IS NOT ENOUGH RESEARCH ON THE LONG TERM EFFECTS OF MARIJUANA.  KEEP TRYING THESE PHARMACEUTICALS.  WE WILL EVENTUALLY FIND THE RIGHT ONE.”

I leave depressed.  I leave lost.  a man once filled with hope is now filled with hopelessness and despair.  pounding head.  pounding heart.  twitchy hands.  twitchy eyes.  uppers.  downers.  fast track solutions not working but seemingly no long term doctors.  everything short term in a society filled with low attention spans and low tolerance.  anger more prevalent than love.  angry politicians offering up fake hope.  fake smiles.  fake balls.  everyone fake but the fake followers continue to follow.  hoping for a miracle in a less than miraculous life.

what do people do for fun these days?  dull tv.  dull movies.  dull music.  dull conversation.  a society of dullness adding to my busy brain and pounding heart.

“HELP ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED!!!”

But, as always, NO HELP.

a system filled with lies.  filled with deception.  filled with dullness.

pounding head.

doctor?

jesus?

mom?

dad?

yogi?

coach?

teacher?

eckhart tolle?

god?

priest?

psychiatrist???

“TAKE THESE PILLS!!!  TAKE THEM NOW.  THEY MAY WORK.  PROBABLY NOT BUT COME BACK IN A MONTH AND WE’LL TRY SOMETHING ELSE!!!”

I walk around aimlessly.  scratching.  itching.  tweaking.  sniffling.  I breathe for one second and I am still.  one second becomes two.  then three and four.  stillness.  birds singing.  refrigerator moaning.  head still pounding.

why do I live here?

what is here for me?

is there NOT a better place to live?

life allowing life to drag me down.

look outside of the box.

the world is filled with beauty.

the world is filled with excitement.

the world is filled with art.

TAKE THE PLUNGE.

CREATE.

CREATE.

CREATE.

stop reading and start creating.

music.

film.

stories.

notanotherphony.

REAL STORIES.

REAL PEOPLE.

REAL EMOTION.

restless and real.

not dull and phony.

my first recollections of my life.  the heights drive. a long time ago.  good times.  fun times.  innocent times.  young and innocent.  shitty housing complex filled with new immigrants in a new country.  no money but happy.  a simpler life.  a life filled with hope for everyone.  some moved on but many did not.  fractured lives.  fractured friends.

heights drive.  playing with Dom and Merrick.  outdoor swimming pool.  nightly bonfires.  drunken adults.  young parents.  fun parents.  new parents.  a start of a new life.  new beginnings.  hope.  a long time ago.  so many long ago gone.  long ago forgotten.  life.  so precious and so fragile.  piecing the fragmented moments together.  what number did we live in?  a long time ago.  good times.  family fun.  mom.  dad.  nana.  dom.  and me.  myself.  family.  smiles.  laughs.  hope.  always hope.  long ago gone by the wayside.  left at the last psychiatrist office.  the last jail cell.  the last gym.  the last Christmas.  the last class.  the last audition.  the last love.  the last fuck.  the last job.  the last kiss.  the last drink.  the last drug.  the last report card.  the last fight.  the last breath.  hope?

the good times at the heights drive.  10 cent newspapers.  open boxes.  I remember stealing one once. I was so scared that I would get caught and get arrested.  worries.  fears.  hope?

playing road hockey with other kids.  playing hide and seek.  playing nicky nicky nine doors.  outside constantly.  vague memories of great times.  poor times but loving times.  hopeful times.  mom.  dad.  nana.  dom.  me.  family.  so long ago.  lonely.

I remember seeing a bunch of full paint cans in the laundromat of our shitty housing complex and opening up the cans and plastering paint all over the walls and floor and washing machines.  I was with Merrick and a few other guys but I forget their names.  it was a long time ago.  we made a mess.  we were kids.  kids being free.  no rules.  no boundaries.  freedom to make mistakes.  hope.  lots of hope.  lots of fun.  lots of life left to live.  I am now fifty one years old.  no dad.

I remember the excitement of getting a new dog.  we called him Snoopy (how original).  he was a little beagle.  a puppy.  we loved him so much.  our teenage neighbour walked him daily.  she loved him too.  then one day she walked him and he ran away from her and got run over by a TTC bus.  he was dead.  she was devastated.  she had to walk home and tell us the horrific news.  sadness.  life.  I wonder what happened to that girl?  she was so nice.  did she ever recover?  does she still have guilt?  loss.  death.  more death to follow.

I remember my first kiss with a girl.  we were on the second level playground.  surrounded by shitty apartments and cracked roadways.  I don’t even know how it started but it did.  it was over fast.  it was on the monkey bars.  Merrick was there.  then it was over.  I don’t even remember her name.  I wonder what happened to her.  life.  loss.  hope.

Friday night parties.  bonfires.  drinking.  laughing.  drunkenness.  fighting.  typical behaviour by typical people.  good times.  less thought and more do.  free.  alive.  open.  fun.  hope.

I remember playing wall ball with the Indian Hard Balls.  then one afternoon I decided to join my friends and jump from the second floor balcony onto the first floor balcony.  it was about a 12 foot drop.  my friends jumped first and made it.  I then jumped and missed the landing.  my head knocked violently off the hard concrete floor.  I collapsed.  my friends tried to wake me up but I did not move.  they ran to get my Mom.  she came running over and thought that I was dead.  she was frantically trying to wake me up by hitting me and screaming for help.  help arrived (great neighbours who cared.  who loved.) shortly.  an ambulance took me away.  my Mom screaming.  kids silent.  North York General Hospital.  I called it the “H” hospital.  I was concussed.  three days in a hospital bed.  I survived but barely.  Mom’s fears alleviated.  it was a long time ago.  my Mom is now eighty years old.  life whizzing by way too quickly.  family.

the complex seemed so big but I drive by now and it is so small.  so old.  so run down.  so poor.  it was my first recollection of life.  love.  what number did we live in?  the memories of long lost youth.  forgotten youth.  hopes and dreams.  memories fading.

and then BOOM.  one more arrives.  I remember the old crotchety superintendent woman.  old.  skinny.  scary.  she would pick up garbage in our complex with a steel pointed stick.  old.  scary.  always wore black.  she looked like an old nun.  just as scary.

then one day I decided to throw a big boulder threw her front window.  not sure why but I did.  I smashed the window with the toss and took off in fear.  I quickly ran home and locked the door behind me and put on the tv.  my Nana wondering what kind of mischief I was into this time.  I remember a Mr.  Clean commercial come on as the doorbell rang.  I was silent.  stunned.  scared.  my Nana opened the door and it was the police.  then my memory fades.  what happened?  and what happened to that old superintendent?  I assume she is dead like so many others who once lived there.  a long time ago.  good times.  innocent times.  fun times.  Merrick and Tina Atkinson.  my first friends.  I wonder where they are.   I wonder what they are doing.  lost.  angry.  drunk.   both parents dead.  my Dad dead too.  kids?  not sure.  they were once young and innocent but now old and bitter.  hanging on by a thread.  by a drink.  but will, at some point, die too.  the circle of life.

the heights drive.  my first memories of life.  my first memories of loss.  my first memories of rules.  my first memories of freedom.  my first memories of fear.  my first memories of girls.  my first memories of love.  my first memories of family.  my first memories of hope.  hope.  love.  loss.  friendships.  family.  smiles and long days and even longer nights.  youth at work.  youth at play.  forgotten youth.  forgotten family.  it was a long time ago.  I wonder what happened to everyone who once lived there?

youth.

love.

hope.

family.

friends.

it was a long time ago.

life.

 

working on mindset.  confidence.  edginess.  shakiness.  cloudy brain.  foggy mind.  shaky hands.  blurry eyes.  sore belly.  cold.  lost but hopeful.  always hoping for the gold at the end of the rainbow.  empty bowl of cheerios.  sloppy writing.  shallow breathing.  wrinkled hands.  tired eyes.  breathe.  breathe.  stop thinking.  cold.  not well.  life passing by without joy.  without love.  without peace.  without serenity.  cold again.  shaky.  cold.  tired.  lost but not really lost.  just enough “lost” to still be filled with hope.  hopeless hope.  DEATH.  some die young.  many die old and lonely.  sad.  feeble.  lonely.  lost.  cold.  alive but unable to function.  no family.  no friends.  no purpose.  cold white walls.  a hum of nothingness.  bad food.  cold food.  stale food.  food that isn’t really food.  boxed up additives.  boxed up preservatives.  death in a box.  a slow death and then BOOM.  A FAST DEATH.  on the ground.  convulsing.  bleeding.  dying.  SILENCE…over.  life over.  over in an instant.  one simple second you are living and then the next simple second you are not living.  dead.  gone.  life lived or not lived at all.

LOVE.

ALWAYS LOVE.

LOVE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY.

MORE IMPORTANT THAN GREED.

Greed ruining the world.  angry leaders offering up re-hashed drivel from past leaders.  re-hashed ideas from past leaders.  re-hashed thoughts from past leaders.

leaders always living in the past.

DULL MINDS WITH DULL HEARTS.

LOVELESS BODIES OF EGO FOLLOWING OTHER LOVELESS BODIES OF EGO.

LOVELESS AND ANGRY.

GREEDY AND SAD.

a beautiful world filled with beautiful people ruined by greedy leaders (politicians/peasants) offering up constant lies and constant deception.

sad.

old.

washed up.

holding on.

POWERFUL???

no.

powerless.

angry.

sad.

lonely.

lonely.

lonely.

alone.