notanotherphony.

after three weeks of incessant panic and incessant thinking I have finally slowed down enough to write.  slowed down enough to relax.  slowed down enough to feel.  FEEL.  always more important than THINK.  I put on some great music filled with great lyrics and unique sounds coming from ukuleles and guitars.  sometimes even a piano sneaks in to make me feel more.  think less.  relaxation brings about clarity.  ego brings about noise.  frustration.  anger.  too many highs and many more lows.  chatter.  noise.  opinions.  who’s right.  whose wrong.  political nonsense coming from the ego’s of both parties.  both followers.  both sheep.  following ego driven men still trying to prove their manhood.  their worth.  maybe they didn’t get laid enough when they were younger and now, with shrivelled up penises, they try to conquer.  they try to bully.  they try to pound their average brains down the throats of the average sheep that constitute their fan base.  their followers.  their robots.

these ego driven men ruining the sporting experiences of our youth as well.  old dried up white men who can no longer play the game trying to pass down their knowledge (knowledge from fifty years ago) to frightened young boys.  frightened young girls.  screaming maniacs that should be put in an asylum are running and ruining amateur sports at record rates but no one seems to notice.  No one seems to care.  the screaming parents applaud the behaviour of these belligerent coaches.  and if a kid cries and tells their parents that they are not having fun and the coach yells too much they get scolded and told that they are soft and “suck it up buttercup.”  a sad and angry society filled with vitriol and ego running our world into the shitter.  needless wars.  needless deaths.  needless murders.  needless gun shootings.  needless poverty.  needless politicians.  a society filled with so much “needlessness” and so little LOVE.  so little COMPASSION.

where have we gone wrong?

instead of looking at our world and our useless leaders of yesteryear and realizing that hatred solves nothing. we applaud such buffoons.  trump.  doug ford.  rob ford.  steve jones.  steve bannon.  irrelevant robots put on a pedestal by sad individuals looking for hope.  looking for a scapegoat.  looking for answers outside of themselves when all the answers are inside.  love.  peace.  stillness.  love.

why do we allow old washed up coaches and teachers to ruin the experiences of our youth?  WHY???

the extreme love and extreme joy that I experience when I see my daughter laughing.  smiling.  engaging in play.  engaging in sports without fear.  learning.  failing.  growing.  loving.  communicating.  ups.  downs.  wins.  losses.  tears of joy.  tears of sadness.  this is life.  it is filled with so much positive.  so much negative.  but why does it need to be filled with angry washed up adults yelling and screaming over a missed pass or a missed scoring opportunity???

such sad and pathetic behaviour and then we wonder why our kids are filled with such anxieties.  such fears.

life is love.  not hate.  choices.

on Sunday night I witnessed my daughter audition for a theatre company for the very first time and I was petrified for her.  I know the anxiety that I experience in those rooms.  but I observed her with love.  with support.  I listened to her audition as clearly as I could but I, like many other loving parents, was so worried.  so scared.  I just wanted her to do well.  to do her best.  to have fun.  I listened with bated breath and she BLEW ME AWAY with all of her confidence and quirkiness.  she is such a real kid in an inauthentic world and I couldn’t have been more proud of her.

she opened the door after her audition and looked at us with that look of, “did I do good?”

but she didn’t have to say anything as I took her in my arms and gave her the biggest hug I have ever given her and said, “Rylee, you did absolutely amazing!!!  I am soooooooo proud of you.  WOW!!!!  You should be soooooo proud of yourself.”

her eyes and her HUGE heart lit up unlike any other time before.  she then went to her Mom and her Mom gave her a huge hug and said, “we are both sooooo proud of you Rylee.  You stepped out of your comfort zone and you did not seem nervous and you were confident and funny and we could not be prouder of you for just being you.”

Rylee held on tightly to Nicole as she broke down in tears.  real tears from such a real human being.  a real human being filled with soooooo much love and soooooo little hate.  a kid that could teach us all a huge lesson.  a kid that offers up so much more to this world than the blustering politicians with their fake smiles and fragile egos.

Rylee…love…heart…soooo beautiful.  inside and out.

such an angel.

such a beautiful person.

such a big heart.

such a big soul.

LOVE.  LOVE.  LOVE.

I will no longer allow hatred to win.

I want to continue my rant against needless politicians and abusive coaches but I choose LOVE.

love.

family.

life.

JOY.

anger.  frustration.  stuck.  seemingly no way out…ever.  self help books.  daily exercise.  daily yoga.  healthy eating.  inspirational podcasts.  inspirational ted talks.  everything inspirational but still STUCK in a prison of hell.  busy mind.  busy body.  dizzy.  blurry eyes.  decreasing bank account.  decreasing marriage.  decreasing connection with Rylee.  everything decreasing except my busy mind and sore body.  life continuing on.  it always does.  slow down.  focus.  meditate.  allow life to unfold as it may.  as I do this my marriage is crumbling as is my relationship with my daughter.  “is this how life is supposed to play out?”  for someone filled with such a big heart I am lost.  always lost.  except for the periods of mania when I am on top of the world and connections with everyone are fantastic.  SEIZE THE MOMENT.  then two days later I am completely lost again.  fighting with people over silly movies.  a silly society.  engaging in needless fights over politics.  gun laws.  shitty movies.  shitty shows.  but as I struggle in some sort of mania life continues on for most.

watching Nicole struggle with her own anxiety.  her constant back issues (caused by anxiety).  her control issues.  her busy mind.  her buried heart.  watching Rylee continue to grow.  put into a family that she never asked for.  two parents who continue to struggle.  continue to try and provide.  continue to offer up as much love as they have to offer but also offering up their demons.  their fractured hearts.  fractured souls.  fractured minds.  WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER???

the struggle continues.  the daily struggle.  the mundane life.  mundane routines.  a beautiful world surrounds us but we are STUCK.  CONSTANTLY STUCK.  there are beautiful people everywhere but I focus on the shitty ones.  the lazy ones.  the ones lacking hearts and brains.  constantly fighting battles that are unwinnable.  LOST.  ALWAYS LOST.  but then, all of a sudden, everything makes sense and I am on top of the world once again.  STOP THINKING.  FEEL.  DO NOT THINK.  THE CHATTER IS ENDLESS.  THE USELESS INFORMATION IS EVERYWHERE.  POLITICS THAT WILL NEVER GO AWAY.  CONSTANT CHATTER.  CONSTANT BASHING.  BUT NOTHING CHANGES.  EVER.  FUCK ALL OF THEM.  FUCK ALL OF THEM.  FUCK ALL OF THEM.

the two people I love most in the world are stuck with my mood swings.  my cluttered mind.  my lack of consistency.  lack of focus.  NOT FAIR.  TO THEM.  TO ME.  years of psychiatrists and psychologists.  STILL STUCK.  STILL FRUSTRATED.  MEDS ONE DAY.  NO MEDS THE NEXT.  CONSTANT EXERCISE.  CONSTANT WRITING.  CONSTANT FRUSTRATION.

I sit down at the computer to work.  a few emails.  a few calls.  but nothing happens.  I stare at the screen.  I stare at the screen.  I stare at the screen.  I send an incoherent email.  I make an incoherent call.  everything incoherent.  I close my computer.  I jerk off.

I walk down to pick up Rylee from school.  sunshine.  fresh air.  I see her walking up the street.  she sees me but doesn’t recognize me.  haircut.  buzzed beard.  a new look.  a new man.  a new dad.  we quickly run to each other with HUGE smiles on both of our faces.  we both open our arms and give each other the biggest hug we have had in years.  I didn’t want to LET GO.  neither did she.

“Dad you look so different.  so good.  so young.”

“thanks Rylee.  I love you.”

“love you too Dad.”

we walk side by side the rest of the way home.  Rylee talking.  and talking.  and talking.  she is happy.  she is excited.  she is filled with hope.  she knows that my new look will make her Mom happy.  all Rylee wants is to live in a happy home.  with a happy family.

we make it home and then Rylee moves all the furniture away because she wants to show me her cartwheel.  she was never a dancer.  we never pushed her to dance.  but she feels bad about herself at school because all of her friends can do cartwheels but she can’t.  KIDS.  she shows me over and over and over.  many failures but a few successes.  is that life?  is that normal?

Rylee then shows me her dance routine from school.  she complains that nobody wants to practice and this frustrates her.  I tell her to focus on herself as I continue to focus on others.  “do what I say.  not what I do.”  am I a bad parent?  a bad role model?  a bad influence?  so many thoughts invade my filled up brain.  my broken heart.

Nicole gets home from her new job and we walk downtown.  Orangeville.  not Toronto.  they go to a “crystal healing” type store.  I go to a coffee shop.  again.  is this all I do?  coffee.  run.  cycle.  yoga.  listen to music.  drink wine.  jerk off.  read.  bed.  same routine all over again the next day.  DOCTOR…HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Rylee and Nicole come back to get me at the coffee shop and we walk home.  Rylee wanting to show me her new crystals.  always wanting to get my approval.  always wanting my love.  always wanting a Dad.  just like I always wanted a Dad.

we make it home and then Rylee shows me her crystals.  she explains each crystal with such passion.  such love.  was I like this as a kid?  passionate.  fun.  loving.  restless.  I want to focus all of Rylee’s passions and busyness into something specific.  something meaningful.  something that could benefit her when she grows up.  but then I think that she’s just a kid.  a loving kid who has seen so much and heard so much that she is years ahead of her age.  unfair.  she helps her Mom and dad so much.  she is the mature one in a house filled with fucked up minds.  tortured souls.  shattered hearts.  family.  family.  family.  life.  life.  life.  love.  love.  love.  loss.  loss.  loss.  abandonment.  abandonment.  abandonment.

I hug Rylee and say goodbye to Nicole as I exit the house once again.  this time I am off to yoga.  I arrive at the studio and take the spot up at the front.  I sit on my mat and listen to all the women at the back discussing their clothes.  I look around for some acknowledgment.  some attention.  the class begins to fill up.  full.  tight.  unfortunately an older man takes up the spot beside me.  I prefer a female’s energy.  less testosterone.  less moaning.  less groaning.  the class begins and I struggle.  my mind still busy.  still manic.  stiff body.  stiff mind.  everything stiff.

one hour later the class ends with savasana.  a relaxation to end the class.  focused breathing.  relaxed body.  an inner search.  everything quiet.  everything still.  the class is almost over.

The instructor asks us to sit up and put our hands together in prayer position.

we all sit up in unison.  I put my hands together in prayer.

“focus on one thing that you are grateful for.”

I think of Rylee.

I think of Nicole.

My family.

I bawl.

I bawl.

I bawl.

“Namaste.”

woke up early.  had a coffee.  two.  had a smoothie.  two.  drove Rylee to her basketball practice.  snowy.  cold.  I dropped her off at the front of the school.  “I love you Rylee.”  “Love you too” was her reply.  Kind of awkward.  kind of self conscious.  hitting an age where she doesn’t want her old hairy Dad to kiss her in public and tell her that I love her in public.  drifting away in some respects.  getting closer in others.  needing patience as a Dad. always needing patience.

I came back home and did a bit of work.  answered some emails.  made a few calls.  nothing earth shattering.  boring work.  tedious work.  uninspiring work.  discussed life with Nicole.  discussed struggles and possible solutions.  always discussing struggles and possible solutions.

I left the house to head downtown.  had a quick drop off to do at a store on Queen Street and then had my third adhd appointment with my adhd doctor.  I wanted to go to the gym first for some cycling and reading but as always I left too late and therefore headed straight downtown in the snowy weather.  Nicole told me to drive safe but I always drive safe.  I drove slowly down hwy 10 and headed onto hwy 410.  I was preparing myself for the maniacal drivers weaving in and out of lanes at excessive speeds without a thought nor care for anyone but themselves.  this is a daily occurrence.  LIVES MATTER but these assholes do not care.  I began my deep breathing while listening to Sigur Ros.  I was calm.  I was ready.  I turned the bend from 10 onto 410 and was pleasantly surprised.  there was a backlog of cars driving at extremely reduced speeds.  I was shocked.  I was relieved.  I was happy.  the assholes had to drive slowly as there were four big trucks with snowploughs on the highway clearing the roads.  such a delight.  such a breeze to drive.  while I was happy.  calm.  the assholes were restless.  mad.  I LOVED IT!!!!

the drive took a little longer than usual but it was also much more relaxed than usual.  less stress.  less anger.  more peaceful.  I drove with a semi smile.  a semi hard on.  I always have a semi hard on.  one day I will be old and shrivelled up and probably won’t have a semi hard on.  life can be sad.

I made it down to the store on Queen Street in record time.  no traffic.  the bad weather must have kept drivers off of the roads.  I parked my car illegally and quickly dropped off a box of shoes to the manager.  she was cute.  they always are.  I then told her that I had to go and quickly ran back outside to my illegally parked car.  I jumped in my car and drove north on Spadina.  I was making good time for my next appointment.  I made my way to Bloor Street and turned left. I had a little bit of extra time and so I quickly parked illegally and quickly went inside Freshii for some healthy food.  I ordered my food and the pretty Asian girl behind the counter smiled and took my money.  I paced around while waiting.  hoping that I wouldn’t get a parking ticket.  The parking enforcement officers are vultures.  they seem to hide behind trees and other parked cars and when you park illegally they quickly run out and slap a ticket on your car and take off before an altercation ensues.  a fight ensues.  a physical altercation ensues.  what a shitty job.  who would want to annoy people all day?  working for “the man” who pretends to like you but doesn’t give a fuck about you as he smiles at you and shakes your slimy hand.  maggots.

anyway, my food came quickly and I quickly ran outside to my car.  everything quick once again.  no ticket.  no tow.  no maggot.  I jumped in my car and quickly ate my Buddha Bowl filled with chicken and noodles and green onions and broccoli and hot sauce.  the day was working out perfectly.

I finished my food and quickly drove up Bathurst Street.  turned right onto St. Clair and pulled over to the right hand side to park my shitty car in a snowy city on a hacked up road in a rich area.  Forest Hill.  Doctor’s appointment.  makes sense.  the day was making sense.  FLOW.  I was in FLOW.

I parked my car and walked into my appointment.  I had stopped taking my meds so I wasn’t sure what the doctor would say.  I didn’t care.  I was free.  alive.  clear.  no headaches.  no angst.  I could sleep.  I could drive.  I had direction again.  confident again.  I waited in the waiting room and then Dr. Hamidi came out.

“come in” she said.  so I did.  I sat on the couch opposite her and she asked me to begin.  I told her about my pills and not taking them.  I told her that I felt GREAT.  I was alive.  free.  she had a big smile on her face.  she was happy.  she looked good.  short skirt.  nice legs.  she told me that “most people with adhd struggle but for those who have a high IQ like yourself then it is a blessing as you have been blessed with lots of energy and excitement.  you never want to sit still.  this is a great blessing.  you are very fortunate.”

I had a huge smile on my face as I jumped up and down and told her stories about past successes and dreams and goals and projects that I have on the go.  she was beaming from ear to ear.  She then asked me if I would like to try Strattera as it is not a stimulant and could help with anxiety plus adhd.

“Will it affect my sex drive?”  I asked.

“No it shouldn’t.  I don’t think you would have any issues in that department.”  she replied with a smile.

I became horny.  or I was horny and her words made me more horny.  she continued on and spoke about Cialis and I told her that I will never need Cialis.  She laughed and agreed.  both of us laughing.  both of us flirting.  both of us married.  both of us with kids.  pretty girls everywhere.  handsome guys everywhere (not for me).  our appointment continued.  she then told me that I still have issues with my Dad dying and probably have ptsd.  she said that that is not her area of expertise but she could refer me to an expert in that field.  I said that would be great.  She then said, “you may not like her as she is younger.”
“Why would that be an issue?”  I said. “I am sick of old white guys with average talent and zero heart trying to help me.  So sick of it.”

she laughed.  so did I.  I think she liked me.  or found me interesting.  alive.  maybe she was bored at home.  maybe she needs to get laid.  maybe her husband has a small penis and she wants to be satisfied.  I am not sure.

I finished my appointment and Dr. Hamidi told me to come back in three weeks after trying Strattera.  I will not take the Strattera.  I will not take any more meds.  But I will go back.  I will flirt with her again.  innocent flirting. I am married.  so is she.

I walked out of the door back into the wintery wonderland not looking forward to my long and dull drive home.  I took a big deep breath and my mind took over.  lots of questions.  lots of thoughts.  lots of excitement.  lots of hope.

can we really be monogamous?  are we meant to be monogamous?  do girls think of other guys the way guys think of other girls?  why have we stopped ourselves from open sex?  open love?  would we be happier if we could be polygamous?  no guilt.  no shame.  is having one mate for your whole life normal?  what is normal?  who made up all of these rules?  who made up our rules of living?  are they still relevant in today’s society?

rules.  love.  marriage.  sex.  age.  old age.  young age.  wrinkled.  smooth skinned.  decades.  youth.  middle age.  old age.  sex.  sexless.  impotent.  horny.  horny and impotent.  sad.  sag.  lifeless.  rules.  dumb rules.  breathe.  live.  love.  do not hurt.  kids.  how much do they know?  not know?  how much should they know.  innocent.  fearless.  fear.  hope.  let go.  live.  love.  and be free.

questions.

always lots of questions.

I woke up early from a great night of sleep.  One beer the night before instead of ten.  felt alive.  energized.  a new sense of worth.  a new sense of belonging.  a new sense of hope.  I drank one coffee and then had a smoothie filled with bananas, blueberries, strawberries, flax seed and other healthy grains.  healthy ingredients.  a healthy morning routine after a healthy bedtime routine.  discipline a must in my life but it is always harder than it sounds.  or is it?

I said goodbye to Nicole and Rylee.  gave them both hugs.  both kisses.  they both winced as I kissed them.  they always do.  but not out of hatred.  out of love.  always out of love.  well…not always.  sometimes I am a complete ass.  I know it.  I accept it.  I am working on it.  always working on it.  sometimes I am working too hard on it.  always wanting to change ME.  change ME into what?  self help books and podcasts and Ted Talks and psychiatrists and psychologists and medications and friendly advice from  friendly friends who only want to help.  LOVE.  all out of LOVE.

I left our house and drove to the gym for a quick cycle while reading Henry Rollins.  NO MORE SELF HELP BOOKS.  I entered the gym and began to take off my boots when I ran into an old “gym friend” from my last gym.  we smiled at each other and discussed my love of cycling and reading at the same time.  she mentioned that she was just telling somebody about my odd habit of reading and cycling  and POOF…there I am.  or here I am.  anyway, we talked for about fifteen minutes.  we spoke about health and eating and recovery and kids and sports and mindsets and anything and everything that was positive.  I have always found her to be a positive woman.  always smiling.  always exercising.  always listening.  always engaging.  I looked at the clock and noticed that it was getting late and I had to meet a friend in about an hour so I told my gym friend that I had to go and she had to go too.  I quickly changed in the small change room (that’s what you get for going for a cheap gym) and walked out to the stationery bike with my Rollins book in one hand and my bottle of water in the other.  I was just about to hop on the bike when I looked at the clock again and realized that I only had a half an hour to work out.  I made a quick and rational (smart) decision to kaibosh the bike and read method of exercise for the fast run on the treadmill method.  no reading.  I ran hard.  I sweat.  I focused.  I ran hard.  I sweat.  I focused.  I ran hard.  I sweat.  I focused.  there were pretty girls around.  there always are.  just as there are “hot” guys around.  there always are.  temptations are everywhere but LOVE beats temptation.  REAL LOVE.  REAL CONNECTION.  FAMILY CONNECTION.  CONNECTION.  LOVE.

I finished my run and quickly showered in the small and tight shower.  I quickly got dressed and quickly left the gym to drive quickly over to Starbuck’s in Newmarket to quickly discuss business and ideas with my friend John.  everything quick in my life.  we had a quick meeting where we discussed numerous ideas and numerous plans of action.  there were pretty girls and good looking guys there too.  more temptations.  more focus.  LOVE.  REAL LOVE.  I drank my third coffee of the day and listened as John gave me his thoughts and ideas.  all to help me in moving forward with business.  with money.  with life.  after a quick one hour meeting I said “goodbye” to John and quickly got into my car to quickly drive over to  my next appointment.  a lunch date with my best friend Bob.  we met each other in the parking lot of the Italian Restaurant and gave each other a big high five complete with a big smile and walked into the restaurant, ordered our food and sat down.  Bob paid of course.  LOVE.  REAL LOVE.  we hadn’t seen each other in awhile as I always bail on events.  on get together’s.  too far to drive or too lazy or too depressed.  not sure.  never sure.  but one thing that is for sure is that when I do see my friend’s I am instantly reminded just how great they are.  so loving.  so caring.  so friendly.  so funny.  so understanding.  the best friend’s one could ever hope for.  we used to discuss banging girls and getting wasted.  but now we were discussing healthy eating habits.  healthy sleeping patterns.  Bob always helping me with work.  money.  two guys that have known each other for over forty years through ups and downs sitting in a restaurant for lunch discussing life.  seemingly unimportant but the importance resonated with me in a huge way.  a very huge way.  a friendship that is soooooo unconditional that you would think we were brothers.  LOVE.  REAL LOVE.

our food was fantastic and then we both left.  I told Bob that I was meeting his sister, Michelle, at Starbuck’s to discuss Naturopathy and proper foods for blood type etc.  Bob told me how she has helped him with proper foods and education on healthy foods etc.  he told me about his struggles with life and I told him about my struggles with life.  life filled with so many great times but also so many hard times.  even when people seem so free and fun and “together” and seemingly in full control over their lives and their happiness there are some tough times.  we are all human after all.

We both drove over to Starbuck’s to meet his sister and when we arrived Michelle gave Bob a huge hug and a huge kiss.  LOVE.  REAL LOVE.  she then gave me a hug and Bob and I ordered our drinks.  we sat down and engaged in some small talk and then Bob had to leave.  he had some work to do.  I gave him another high five and he left.  I then “caught up” with Michelle as we hadn’t seen each other in probably ten years.  twenty years.  wow time flies.  after catching up on life which involved us both talking about our families and our struggles but also about our families and the great times we then moved onto foods and health and parenting and then more family stuff.  everything seemed to involve family.  friends.  LOVE.  REAL LOVE.  after about an hour of engaging and insightful talks we both had to leave.  Michelle had to pick up one of her kids and I had to get back to my family as we were going to yoga together.  Tuesdays are double yoga class night for us.  me in the front row and Nicole and Rylee in the back.

we arrived early.  we always do.  Taylor, one of the instructors,  informed Rylee that the speech that she did for school on Go Yoga was going to be put up on the Go Yoga website.  Rylee was beaming.  glowing.  smiling.  excited.  she was upset last week after delivering her speech to her class because her teacher told her that it was just “okay” and this positive news more than made up for that letdown.  Rylee is so beautiful.  so caring.  so honest.  so real.

the class was full and Explosions in the Sky was playing in the background.  such powerful music to go along with long and deep stretches and poses.  my mind was calm.  serene.  I felt such an energy of love and acceptance in the class.  always do.  “just be.”  always “just be.”   the more that I relaxed into the poses the more that I heard the powerful music and the more that I heard the powerful music the more that I thought of my life and my family and my friends and my never ending support and unconditional love from everyone.  it was so powerful.  so real.  so clear.  an explosion of tears.  an explosion of love.  an explosion of feelings.  an explosion of gratitude.  everything exploding.  but good exploding.  not bad exploding.

tears flowing but me not wanting them to stop.  i love feeling.  feelings always more powerful than thought.  tears flowing.  tears flowing.  tears flowing.  flow.  flow.   flow.

LOVE.

REAL LOVE.

SUPPORT.

REAL SUPPORT.

FRIENDS.

REAL FRIENDS.

LIFE.

REAL LIFE.

MOM AND DAD.

DOM.

NICOLE.

RYLEE.

MY FRIENDS.  MY MOST AMAZING FRIENDS AND THEY ARE PLENTY.

MY EXTREME LOVE GOES OUT TO ALL OF YOU.

ALL OF THEM.

WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS.  WE SOMETIMES STRUGGLE.  WE SOMETIMES HURT.  BUT WE ALSO SOMETIMES LOVE.  SOMETIMES HAVE FUN.  SOMETIMES EXCEL.  SOMETIMES FAIL.

BUT LOVE.

LOVE CAN NEVER TEAR US APART.

NAMASTE.

why is my life filled with so much frustration?  so much struggle?  a struggling mind and a decaying body.  a man with no answers and no direction.  a man waking up everyday at 7am and going to bed every night at 11:30pm.  life was never this difficult but now it is.  yoga.  cycling.  running.  pill popping.  psychiatrists.  self help books.  meditation.  so much drive but no results.  is life this difficult for others?  no more fun.  no more debauchery.  no more fire.  pop culture trying to get the better of me but I refuse.  shit is shit no matter how anyone spins it.  shit music and shit movies offering up nothing of value.  nothing of substance.  routines getting me nowhere.  an unpredictable mind with a heavy heart is a recipe for disaster but the disaster continues to work.  continues to strive.  continues to drive.  continues to be alive.  edgy and confused one day.  calm and confident the next.  happy and alive one day.  tired and depressed the next.  wanting help from psychiatrists but only getting pills.  medications.  medications that further fog my mind.  my brain.  clogged up brain cells and foggy vision.  emotions bubbling on the surface but trying to fit my mind and body in a square when I am clearly a circle.  need another coffee.  need another drink.  wine.  red wine.  red wine and good music.  the Smith’s.  Joy Division.  The Pogues.  listen.  feel.  drink.  think.  stop thinking.  stop thinking.  stop thinking.  FUCKING FEEL.  FUCKING FEEL.  FUCKING FEEL.  stop thinking.  feel.  stop thinking.  feel.  stop thinking.  feel.

I sit in silence.  alone.  Rylee and Nicole in bed.  sleeping.  me alone and drinking.  listening.  feeling.  thinking.  DON’T THINK.  DO.  DO.  DO.  don’t listen to anyone and do what you need to do.  DO.  DO.  DO.  or die.  die a slow death.  confused and slow.  foggy.  confused.  slow.  death.

Roger’s offers up about 150 channels but maybe 3 are worth watching.  why is there so much shit on tv?  who watches this shit?  does it make them feel better?  are we a society of pussies and politically correct robots that wrinkle up and die?  quietly.  alone.  where are the big creators???  me?  certainly not YOU.  you offer up rehashed garbage that is worse than vermin.  it is NOTHING.  DULL.  OBVIOUS.

more shootings in the States.  but life goes on.  gun law debates that lead nowhere.  planes being downed overseas.  wars raging on.  innocent children being killed over greed and ego’s.  a sad life.  a sad world.  selfies more important than love.  real love.  real connection.  human connection.  not robotic connection.  the heart and soul which was once prevalent has been buried underneath fake facades and fake news.  fake movies.  fake music.  fake tv.  fake presidents.  fake lips.  fake hair.  fake breasts.  fake smiles.  and fake wars.  everything fake.  everything dull.  CREATE.  CREATE.  CREATE.

I sure hope there are some people out there living life to it’s fullest because I certainly am not.  I am aware that I am not which is always the first step to change.  I do not waste my life away in front of bad tv and bad music but I still am wasting my life away.

too much brain and not enough heart.  always listening to the inner voices of shame.  doubt.  do people change?  can they change?  laziness never my issue.  too much energy and not enough structure wreaking havoc on my life.  my family’s life.  less books and more typing.  less drugs and more exercise.  less psychiatrists and more wine.  trust.  trust.  trust.  do.  do.  do.

parenting is hard.

parenting is difficult.

parenting is a struggle.

trying to connect.  always trying to connect.

I connect everywhere with everyone except at home.  why?  is this me?  them?

I look around and see clutter.  everywhere.  clutter.  I need less distraction.  less noise.  more peace.  more clarity.

too many fake artists.  fake people.  fake smiles.  fake promises.

not enough heart.

not enough soul.

love.

life.

fuck everyone.

love everyone.

so much average in the world.

but maybe the average are happy.

I am confused.

lost.

let go.

accept.

just be.

breathe.