notanotherphony.

and another day of driving into the city from a town one and half hours north of the city.  a small town filled with big trucks and small dicks.  they usually go hand in hand.  the drive was forgetful.  I was dizzy.  dizzy on too many meds and not enough sleep.  a lethal combination but I never learn.  the ride down was filled with it’s usual boredom mixed in, periodically, with crazed speed demons racing to their shitty jobs with shitty pay.  jobs where the boss bosses them around and alarms go off for breaks and the entrance to the job has a clock that you have to swipe a card to show that you have arrived and at what time.  jobs that kill you slowly and are filled with sad pathetic people who watch sad pathetic tv and sit in sad pathetic arenas filled with insane adults screaming profanities at their eight year old kids playing hockey.

I arrived at my appointment fractured but still living.  yoga helping immensely.  helping with my anxiety.  helping with my wandering mind.  helping with my bound up body.  I arrived and pulled out the shoes.  the two buyers arrived and we spoke.  we first exchanged handshakes and smiles.  the buyers both from latin American countries and therefore filled with hearts and souls.  a refreshing quality in a sad and sick society.  immigrants usually offering up more to our country than our dull natives.  natives who shop at Walmart and watch kardashians and post doggie pics on facebook.  natives who have not read a book since high school except maybe Fifty Shades of Grey.  a book that is just below playboy when it comes to it’s content.  it’s intellect.  who reads such shit?  why is our society filled with such dullness?  a never ending chase to accumulate things and dull things and disposable things.  a chase that ends up in the grave filled with regrets and lost dreams.  a grave dug by an old sad man who one day will be underground like the many others before him.  lives filled with nothingness.  meaningless lives filled with meaningless thoughts.  thoughts about shitty politicians and shitty taxes and shitty cars and shitty houses.  another year older and another year closer to death.  sad becoming sadder.  no hope.  no dreams.  no love.  no heart.  no soul.  rule followers that follow rules made up by old dried out rich white men with shrivelled up penises and big ears.  men who once ruled women.  ruled men.  now washed up and close to death.  “do they ever look back in regret?  guilt?  sadness?”  old rich white men who have brought nothing to the world except fake money and fake businesses.  nothing of substance.  nothing of importance.  artists always more important than these maggots but the societal sheep follow the maggots hoping for crumbs that will set them free.  crumbs that will set them free while they listen to Taylor Swift and watch The Bachelor.  wanting change but never changing themselves.  sad lives.  everywhere…sad lives.  where are the crazy ones?  I need more crazy ones in my life.  the crazy ones are the inspiring ones.  the crazy ones are the ones that bring about change.  they challenge the status quo while the sheep shop in Walmart and eat at Mcdonald’s.  a very sad and sick society becoming more sad.  more sick.

the two buyers filled with passion.  fire.  hopes.  dreams.  brains.  inspiring.  very inspiring.  one male.  one female.  leaving their countries for a better life but realizing that our life in north America is a sick life.  the same corrupt politicians that they left in their native countries are here.  just in different clothing and with different hair.  political corruption running rampant but, as always, bringing nothing of value to the table.  similar to shitty movies and shitty music.  the world is filled with shitty businesses making a shitload of money but offering up nothing but shit.  sad.  lost.  why?  always why?

I love human beings.  human beings with a heart.  a soul.  a voice.  an opinion.  I want to meet human beings from all over the world.  human beings that I have more in common with than the average north American.  the average north American…why does this computer auto correct American and put it into capitals?  I don’t want it to be in capitals!!!  FUCKING BULLSHIT.  FUCKING SYSTEM.

art.  love.  soul.  listen.  love.  I love human beings with a heart.  a soul.  a fire.  a voice.  love.  love.  love.

I HATE BOREDOM.

I HATE DULL.

I HATE RULE FOLLOWERS.

FOLLOWING DUMB RULES MADE UP BY OLD RICH WHITE DULL MEN.

DULL.

DEAD.

SAD.

LIFE.

LOVE.

as I sit to write this story I am sweating.  my head is spinning.  I am clammy.  cold.  hot.  claustrophobic.  I don’t like the white backdrop but I do not know how to change it.  I preferred blogger but everyone tells me that I need to be on wordpress.  I do not know why.  is this the same thing as the shittiest beers being the most popular?  the shittiest fast food restaurants being the most popular?  the shittiest movies being the most popular?  and the shittiest music being the most popular?  I listen to too many people giving too many opinions on my life and yet I ask for the opinions.  not grounded.  sweating still.  mind racing still.  heat flashes.  then cold.  I take a sip of my wine and continue even though I have nothing to say.  nothing to do.  stuck in the basement with nothing to write.  nothing to say.  the fire that I had earlier has subsided amidst shitty television and a shitty brain.

I continue to write with nothing to say.

I think of my Mom.

sweating.

cold.

I look at the mess in the basement but that bores me.  I hear the television and that bores me too.  I take another sip of wine hoping for inspiration but nothing comes.  I pause.  I think.  I sweat.  I am cold.  both wrists in pain.  balding.  lost.  always lost.  always bald.  only the good die young?  I am looking for answers but answers never come.

back to the drawing board.  another sip of wine.  maybe I need music.  angry music.  sad music.  classical music.  music.  music that makes me feel not think.  too many thoughts and not enough clarity.  a never ending battle with my brain.  my wife.  my daughter.  myself.  will the confusion end?  ever?  will I be “normal” ever?  and what is normal?  who is normal?  are normal people happy?  most normal people I know are sad on the inside but pathetically happy on the outside.  a refusal to look in the mirror as they cry their way to retirement.  to their pension.  to their deathbed.  a refusal to change for anyone.  a rock.  a brick.  a wall.  FUCK THE TRUMP WALL.  THERE ARE PROTECTIVE WALLS EVERYWHERE.  SOLID ROCKS ON THE OUTSIDE AND SAD AND PATHETIC NOTHINGS ON THE INSIDE.  NO HEART.  NO SOUL.  what makes you tick?  find out what makes you tick and then TICK.  TICK AND THEN TOCK.  TICK AND THEN TOCK.  TICK TOCK.  TICK.  TOCK…TOCK.

#metoo has spiralled out of control by needy emotional sheep wanting to get back at men for being fucked over by them but NOT raped by them.  we must know the difference.  and in my humble but not so humble opinion I believe that the fight should be against the elites and NOT men.  it is the elites that have abused their power and raped or taken advantage of women.  and it is the elites that have gotten away with this for years.  the poor have been wrongfully accused of rape and sexual assaults and other crimes for years and had ZERO opportunity to defend themselves.  the #metoo fight is the same as the fight for equality with minorities.  do NOT lump all white men as your enemy as this does nothing to help your cause.  I want equality and I am a white man.  I am on your side.  I despise the old rich white man who looks down on everyone but his trophy wife and old white best friend.  FUCK THEM.  FUCK THEM ALL.  FIGHT THE POWER BUT KNOW WHAT POWER YOU ARE FIGHTING.

by the way…I was molested too (#metoo).  an old white man.  I could have stopped him but I didn’t.  I don’t know why.  I just didn’t.  my reaction to being molested was to fight.  fight and drink.  fight and drink and then fight and drink some more.  then fuck.  fuck and fuck and fuck.  fuck everyone and everything.  reckless.  lost.  angry.  hurt.  sad.  still lost.  still sad.  still trying to recover.  my life is my life.  I am NOT a social justice warrior who comes from a wealthy home with wealthy struggles and wealthy friends.  I AM A SURVIVOR.  A SURVIVOR WHO CONTINUES TO STRUGGLE BUT CONTINUES TO FIGHT.  I REFUSE TO LET THE PHONY PEASANTS WIN.  FUCK THEM.  FUCK THEM ALL.  THE MOST DISGUSTING QUALITY A HUMAN BEING CAN HAVE IS TO BE PHONY.  SICKENING.

my glass of wine is empty and my mind continues to be empty.  it is filled with thoughts but empty on clarity.

my heart is alive but broken.

I continue to sweat.

nothingness.

sore.

hot.

Namaste.

life.  childhood.  adolescent years.  teen years.  young adult years.  middle aged adult years.  older adult years.  just plain old.  death.  then the process begins all over again but this time without you.  you are in the ground.  buried and sometimes forgotten.  hopefully not.  hopefully you have made an impact on this world.  an impact on your family. an impact on your friends.  an impact on your kids.  a positive impact.  a negative impact is easy.  sit in front of the television and pretend you’re happy and yell at your kids.  yell at your neighbours.  yell at your bosses.  yell at everyone but then post happy pics on facebook and Instagram.  pics that SHOW everyone how amazing you are.  how important you are.  how impactful you are.  how loving you are.  then you go home and watch your favourite shitty shows and eat your favourite shitty food and put on your favourite shitty pajama’s and turn on your favourite shitty alarm to wake up and do the exact same shitty thing all over again.
LIFE.  LIVE.  DO NOT PRETEND TO LIVE.  LIVE.  CREATE.  LOVE.  COMMUNICATE.  PLAY.  PLAY.  PLAY.  we have all forgotten to play.  who told us to stop playing?  why stop playing?  why stop smiling?  why stop laughing?  LAUGH AND LOVE AND LEARN. NEVER STOP LEARNING.  NEVER STOP GROWING.  NEVER STOP LOVING.  IF YOU HAVE STOPPED LOVING SEEK HELP.  SEEK HELP BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE AND YOU ARE ON YOUR DEATHBED AND LIVING IN GUILT.  LIVING IN REGRET.  TODAY IS A NEW DAY.  JUST DO IT.
and just like that I am happy again.  creating again.  loving again.  drinking again.  I finished my last sip of wine and thought.  thought about life.  love.  family.  age.  people.  I thought about everything and anything my little brain could think about.  In one hour I will be free again.  up against a hard wall with my eyes closed and breathing deeply.  I will listen to the guided meditation and feel great.  I will laugh.  I will cry.  I will feel alive.  I will sit still.  I will dream big.  I will see all of the opportunities that life has to offer.  that life has offered.  the patient me will be patient for once.  breathe.  breathe.  breathe.  keep eyes closed.  breathe.  exhale the negativity.  exhale the judgements.  exhale the limiting thoughts and limiting beliefs.
I sat down to write a story about how extremely difficult parenting can be.  But I digressed.  But now I am back again.  so here goes.  I see how absolutely fantastic and loving my daughter can be most of the time but I also see how stubborn and pouty she can be at other times.  I witness her pickiness with eating.  I witness her ups.  I witness her downs.  I am always willing to listen but sometimes she doesn’t want to talk with me.  she prefers talking with her Mom.  This upsets me because I love her soooo much.  An only child just wanting real friends and real acceptance from real people but instead she gets fake friends who do not understand the notion of real friends.  real commitments.  real loyalty.  they are too busy trying to be “cool” with the boys.  trying to get the boys to like them.  fake.  phony.  inauthentic.  society at its worst.  learning this behaviour from their parents who learned this behaviour from their parents and so on and so on.  the chain never broken.  the cycle continuing to spin.  spinning further and further out of control until one day they wake up pregnant and alone.  life beating them down.  struggling to make ends meet.  struggling to be happy.  struggling to find their own life as they have given up their life long ago and now watch bad tv and read terrible facebook posts.  life is filled with so many opportunities but parents need to be parents.  give love.  give guidance.  talk.  communicate.  love.  listen.  I am sick of girls and so called friends treating my loving daughter like she is nothing.  a nothing with no feelings.  she has a HUGE HEART and an even BIGGER SOUL.  she is unique.  she is loving.  she is caring.  she is filled with passion.  filled with care.  filled with honesty.  filled with trust.  filled with loyalty.  when will she find someone who can reciprocate this love and care?  when will she find her true friend?  her true best friend?  her true companion?  her true love?
do disloyal, fake, selfish kids grow up to be disloyal, fake, selfish adults or can they change?  I hope they can change.  But parents need to step up and be parents.  do the parents know any better?
life.
love.
hope.

tossed and turned all night in bed. not the first time.  never been a good sleeper but it seems to be getting worse with age.  wine sometimes helps.  sleeping pills sometimes help.  Tylenol Cold pills sometimes help.  all three together really help.  but sometimes I worry about overdosing so that method of sleep enhancement usually is saved for extreme circumstances like an early morning shoot or an early morning meeting when sleep is absolutely necessary.  when did my inability to sleep get so bad?  not even sure when it started.  but it just started and now it won’t stop.  similar to so many other problems.  hang ups.  addictions.  they just start.  they just continue.  they just wreak havoc and before you know it you are engrossed in it.  such a vicious cycle.  such a vicious life.
  I woke up from my night of not sleeping and quickly drank a cup of coffee.  I was about to have a second one but I knew that it would interfere with my Concerta medication so I stopped myself.  my willpower sometimes stronger than my urges.  the Concerta has been giving me extreme “dry mouth” lately but without it my mind wanders.  my mind becomes blurry.  I have tried other meds all to little or no success.  the search continues.  yoga has been a salvation for me.  calming.  loving.  feeling.  focusing.  breathing.  I wished I took the advice of so many people twenty years ago who said that yoga and meditation would be a game changer for me.  but I didn’t.  I never did.  never do.  I was stubborn.  still am.  sometimes you have to give up control and listen to others.  not everyone is dull.  not everyone is a sheep.  I continue my search. 
  after my coffee I packed my gym bag and packed my sample bag of boots.  Had a meeting with Town Shoes later in the day.  I tried to get a workout in but as usual I was running late so I skipped the workout and went straight to the steam room.  I opened the door.  steam was dense.  I saw a man in one corner so I sat in the other.  He said “hi” and I said “hi” back.  good guy.  seen him at the gym many times.  we talked about the winter and the upcoming cold spell.  “It’s about to get real cold.  Real cold.”  he said.  “Yeah I heard.  we haven’t had much of a winter so far.  no snow.”  “It’s coming.”  “Yeah for sure.  I hope we have snow for Christmas.”  I continued.  “Oh we will.  we will.”  he replied.  we talked about the snow for awhile and then we moved onto skiing.  he told me that he has a pass for Blue Mountain but it doesn’t compare to Whistler or even Sunshine in Calgary.  he lived in both places.  “Blue Mountain is like a hill.  Nothing beats Whistler.  You can only do a few runs and then you’re wiped out.  there are only hills out here.  not mountains.”  I told him that I lived in Calgary for a year and LOVED IT.  he said that it is cold in Calgary but a dry cold and I, once again, agreed.  if you haven’t experienced a dry cold compared to what we get then you wouldn’t understand but there is a big difference.  there was a moment of silence between the two of us when the steam door opened and a third guy came in.  older.  nice.  Italian I think.  somehow someway we began talking about going down south for vacation.  the one guy was leaving for Antigua in a few weeks.  the other guy leaving tomorrow for Aruba.  “Nice.”  I said.  I said this as if I have been to both places.  as if I am a big shooter of some kind.  we continued our talk.  both guys spoke about the recent Hurricane and the destruction that it did to many places.  Both Antigua and Aruba were spared the devastation.  “Cuba and Puerto Rico got hit the worst.”  the older guy said.  “Yeah, that’s terrible.”  I responded.  the one guy said “bye” and then left the steam room.  I continued my talk with the older gentleman.  he said he just listened to a podcast where there was an author on the show who wrote a book about our society and how bad it is and that he sometimes wishes that he wasn’t born because it is so catastrophic.  “I had to turn it off.  too depressing.  You can’t listen to that stuff for too long or you’ll become depressed.  I am aware of the happenings in the world but I don’t get fixated on it.  My sister watches the news all day and then wonders why she is so depressed.  It is not healthy.”  “Yeah I agree.”  I said to the man but I didn’t really agree.  Just trying to keep the peace.  why argue with an older nice man in a steam room in Orangeville?  what’s the point?  I wanted to tell him that we should all be more informed.  that we should all be more empathetic to the happenings in the world.  I wanted to say that to him but I didn’t.  I agreed with him and told him that we were lucky to be living in Canada.  I brought up Ai Weiwei and the documentary he did on the refugee crisis but the older man hadn’t heard of it.  Nobody really has.  while we are force fed shitty Hollywood movies that offer up nothing and having zero heart and even less soul great films go unnoticed.  unwatched.  lonely pieces of art that few see but the few who see FEEL more than the average man.  average woman.  feeling is much more interesting to me than thinking.  sometimes they can work well together but many times they do not and I prefer feeling over thinking.  the key to my life is in the feeling.  the death of me and my life is in the thinking.  thinking always getting me in trouble while feeling always leading me to my gut.  my center.  my being.
  the older man left and then a younger guy came in but it was time for me to leave as I was now running late for my appt.  I quickly showered and got dressed.  I then hopped in my car and drove off.  I went down highway 10 to hwy 410.  nothing even remotely interesting to report.  traffic was light for once and I listened to Sigur Ros, Bonnie Prince Billy, and finally Mumford and Sons.  I like the idea of listening to these underground art house bands but sometimes I prefer pop art house music like Mumford and Sons.  They make me feel.  feel good.  I need that.
  anyway, I eventually made it down to Town Shoes for my appt and I rang the bell to get let in.  A young man let me in with a smile and asked who I was there to see.  “I’m here to see Brent.”  “Okay let me buzz him for you.”  The man buzzed Brent but Brent wasn’t there.  “I left a message for him.  You can wait here for him.”  The man left with a smile and I sat down.  I had two bags with me.  I looked in the mirror that was to the left of me and I realized that my transitional glasses hadn’t transitioned yet.  Shades.  “I am wearing shades.  I am also wearing a toque.  huge beard.”  always wanting to be a rock star but actually a shoe salesman.  neither really.  a few more friendly people walked by and asked if I have been helped and I said “yes.”  so many friendly people.  it never used to be like this.  management.  probably new management.  leadership key in all walks of life.  a bad leader and everything crumbles but a good leader inspires.  a good leader brings people together.  a good leader gets the most out of people and a good leader respects people.  DONALD FUCKING TRUMP IS NOT A GOOD FUCKING LEADER.  HE IS THE ULTIMATE MAGGOTT!!!
  Brent finally arrived and I had my appointment.  I charmed Brent the way I charm most people but charming is one thing.  succeeding is something quite different.  After about an hour of talking shoes (dull) I left with an order and walked away tired.  uninspired.  I jumped in my car and wanted to visit other stores.  I wanted to go to Yorkdale and see the new Sporting Life store.  I also wanted to eat but then I called Nicole and she said, “Are you crazy?  It is Friday afternoon at 2 o’clock.”  You should get out of Toronto as fast as you can or you will be STUCK.”  and she was right.  I will be STUCK.  I am always STUCK.  STUCK a big part of my vocabulary.  a big part of my life.  I am on the quest to be UNSTUCK but right now I am still STUCK.  I drove onto the 401 (traffic) and made my way to the 410 (more traffic) and then onto highway 10 (no traffic but buffoons driving like buffoons making me wish for traffic to keep these speed demons in check).  I grabbed a pita at Pita Pit and spoke with the nice girl behind the counter.  I speak with everyone and everyone speaks with me.  what does it all mean?  are there messages?  I then went to Starbucks where I ordered two coffees and a hot chocolate for Rylee.  I was struggling with the three drinks when a young pretty girl helped me out by getting a tray for me and then held the door open for me as I struggled with the coffees.  People are so nice.  so friendly.  what makes people hate?  what makes people sad?  so much goodness in our world.  I want to help everyone.  sad adults were once promising kids filled with hopes and dreams.  I left Starbucks and drove home.  It was great seeing Rylee and Nicole.  “guess what Dad?”  “What?”  “I am the member of the month at the Yoga Studio.  Taylor announced it at class and I was so happy.  my face went red because I was so excited!!!!”  “That’s amazing Rylee!!!  I’m so proud of you.”  and I really am proud of her.  she is a young girl filled with so much love and so much acceptance.  I want the absolute best for her.  she deserves it.  all kids deserve it.  kids don’t have a choice in who their parents are.  parents should take parenting seriously and do everything they possibly can to give their kids opportunities in this life.  to give their kids love.  to give their kids respect.  don’t hurt kids.  Inspire kids.  they are our future.  they are us.  Rylee is amazing.  loving.  caring.  smart.  beautiful.  big heart.  bigger soul.  a special and unique girl who deserves a great life.  I am fifty years old.  My Mom is eighty one.  My Dad is dead.
     

I woke up today with a cold.  some call it a “man cold” but I prefer the term “cold.”  only I know how I felt.  how I feel.  I didn’t feel good.  I had a stuffy nose.  sore throat.  my energy was low.  eyes blurry.  I wanted to stay home and drink coffee and discuss life but I had a few meetings that I needed to attend.  One was for laser hair removal on my neck.  the other was with an ex ceo of a major clothing brand that is very prominent.  the laser hair removal never making sense to Nicole as she looks at me with my huge beard and she sees me trying to grow out my balding head of hair and she wonders why I care about hair on my neck.  and Nicole is right.  it is silly.  I don’t even know why I care about hair on the back of my neck.  for an old man of fifty years I am still consumed by zits and hair growth on my neck.  such meaningless hang ups in the grand scheme of life and yet these are very real hang ups to me.  why?  I do not know. 
  I arrived at my laser hair removal appointment and was instantly greeted by the pretty but “fake pretty” receptionist.  the girl would have been pretty without the fake breasts and fake puffy lips but she was still nice and friendly so I really shouldn’t be judging her.  and who am I to judge as I sit in the waiting room waiting to get my neck zapped by lasers?  HYPOCRITE.  COMPLICATED.  FRACTURED. 
  Anyway, I chatted briefly with the receptionist before being called in to get my neck hairs zapped by a laser.  The woman told me to take off my shirt and lay on my stomach.  I obeyed her and lay down.  I’ve always enjoyed laying down in spas.  so relaxing.  women so friendly.  I would have preferred a massage but today it was lasers.  I winced as the machine was pushed up and down the back of my neck.  In the past I would have fantasized about the technician and imagined all kinds of sexual happenings but this time I lay down and spoke with the technician with a level of respect and love that I haven’t felt in years.  I have always been respectful and loving but many think that I haven’t.  that I’m not.  I mess up like everyone else messes up but I own up to my fuck ups while many others do not.  I am human after all.  an old human being getting older by the day.  RESPECT.  the woman was from the Middle East I believe.  friendly.  thorough.  kind.  I wish all humans could just get along and love and hug each other.  instead we are littered with ugly humans running the world into oblivion. we need more artists and less politicians.  I want my daughter to grow up and live in a beautiful world void of hatred and void of dumb rules made by greedy politicians.  rules that only serve themselves and their rich white cronies.
  The woman finished zapping me and I handed her ten dollars for her thorough service.  “You were so thorough.  soooo good.  thank you sooo much.  I hope you are here next time.”  and there always is a “next time” as the hairs never leave.  never diminish.  but I keep coming back.  hoping for a miracle.  a miracle?  it’s only a few neck hairs. 
anyway, I said goodbye to the receptionist and booked my next appointment.  I then walked back to my car and drove over to Square One to meet the ex ceo.  I stopped for lunch at Whole Foods and due to my “cold” I had soup and some cold noodles.  more beautiful girls.  more respect.  I then sat down and began eating.  the food tasted soooo good and then I saw my police buddy, Tyler, walking into Whole Foods with his new girlfriend.  they were holding hands.  they looked happy.  I hid.  I didn’t know if Tyler wanted me to see him.  he seemed so happy.  good for him.  I didn’t want to rain on his parade.  I just want people to be happy.  too much sadness in this world.  not enough love.  not enough communication.  not enough conversation.  LOVE.  LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.
  I finished my food and snuck out of Whole Foods.  I think I went unnoticed.  I will text Tyler later to laugh about it.  I headed over to the mall and went inside.  I briefly looked for a baseball hat (who knows why again) in Sportcheck.  a few cops watched me.  then I went to Second Cup and grabbed a coffee and read some Kerouac.  On The Road.  started slow but loving it now.  sooooo poetic.  sooooo inspirational.  Second Cup was busy.  one of the baristas was pretty.  soooo many pretty girls everywhere but I am married to the prettiest.  I also have the prettiest daughter.  Inside and out.  I noticed an older man in a wheelchair struggling to find a seat so I told him that the seat across from me was empty.  He wheeled over.  I moved the chair that was in front of the table.  he sat in his wheelchair and waited for the pretty barista to bring his coffee.  she put the coffee down in front of him.  black coffee.  “Did you want me to put cream in it?”  I asked the older man.  “No thank you.  I dip my cookies in the coffee.  I’ve been doing this for years.  I have to watch what I eat as I have dentures and I don’t want them falling out.  did you want a cookie?”  “No thanks.  But I remember eating those cookies when I was a kid.”  they were Dad’s oatmeal cookies.  I used to love those cookies.  ate them by the box.  anyway, I spoke with the older man for awhile and then went back to reading Kerouac.  I was surrounded by noise.  by conversations.  by lights.  by pretty girls and yet somehow someway I managed to keep my concentration on the book.  Yoga helping me slow down and be in the moment after years of living in the past and living in the future.  I feel so much better.  I finished my coffee and closed my book.  I stood up to walk away when the older man spoke again.  “I used to read a lot.  I loved reading.  I find it too difficult to read these days.  I am too old.”  “You’re not too old.  But that’s great that you read.  Nobody reads anymore.”  I replied to the man.  He nodded his head and smiled as I nodded my head and smiled.  human connection is everywhere when you are open and ready to receive.  and human connection is nowhere if you are closed and hide in your home.
  I walked around the mall for a bit and then noticed a woman wearing a pair of Red Wing 8 inch Moc Toes.  I wasn’t going to say anything but then I walked over to her and asked her where she got her boots.  “Get Outside,” she said.  I told her that I was the rep for Ontario and we spoke for about fifteen minutes.  I found out that she was from Switzerland and she had two sisters and they both wore Red Wing boots too.  After awhile the woman’s son came out and smiled at me with a young man’s smile.  Uncertain who I was and what I wanted from his Mom.  I didn’t want anything other than to make her feel good.  I acknowledged her beautiful boots.  her quality boots.  Most people wear cheap flashy celebrity endorsed product so it is always refreshing to see someone wearing quality goods.  there is still hope for humanity.  I said bye to the woman.  to her son and then exited the mall to go and meet Ken the ex ceo of the big clothing brand.  I saw him standing by Simon’s and walked up to him.  “Ken?”  I said.  “Christian?”  he said back and we both said “Yes.”  we shook hands and then walked to a coffee shop where we both ordered Chamomile tea and then sat down.  we discussed so many things in the one hour that we met.  the one hour that we talked.  Ken found out about my endeavours.  my life.  my hopes.  my dreams.  I found out about Ken’s endeavours.  Ken’s family.  Ken’s travelling.  Ken’s new dreams.  new aspirations.  we spoke as if we were brothers who hadn’t seen each other for a few years.  No awkwardness.  no discomfort.  Ken had just sold his shares of the big brand that he was ceo of and had made millions.  I still live paycheck to paycheck.  polar opposites on the payscale and yet so connected and so close on so many other levels.  Just two grown men trying to figure out life.  figure out family.  figure out jobs and passions.  figure out schedules and spouses.  After an hour or so we both agreed that we had to get going.  as we walked out Ken mentioned that he had to get up early to finalize a deal on a new cottage up in Inverhuron.  I told Ken that we used to go there every summer.  “I love the sunsets and the camp fires right on the water.  so beautiful.”  Ken agreed with a big smile.  We gave each other a hug and agreed that we would see each other again.  I walked back to my shitty car and drove home.  the drive was surprisingly quiet on the 410 and then BOOM.  traffic suddenly came to a halt.  a standstill.  forty minutes of no movement.  no life. listening to the same cd’s over and over.  I just wanted to get home.  to see my wife.  to see my daughter and BOOM.  why is there always BOOM?  constant traffic jams in a constant traffic jam of life.  lost time.  lost lives.  why?  so sad.  so meaningless.  I finally made my way to the cause of the traffic jam.  A HUGE cement truck flipped over on it’s side and had slid completely off of the highway.  other cars completely demolished.  destroyed.  a certain casualty.  certain casualties.  a needless casualty.  needless casualties.  five fire trucks.  four ambulances.  three cop cars.  and five tow trucks.  a senseless accident and a senseless death.  senseless deaths.  why do people continue to speed?  speed kills.  and kill it did.  I wanted to feel sadness but I truly didn’t.  I am an empathetic guy but when I see the speeds that these trucks go and the danger that they cause I lose my feelings for them.  maybe I shouldn’t but I do.  was it all worth it?  obviously NOT.  But some people never learn.  there will be more accidents.  more deaths.  more loss.
  I finally made it home and quickly ate dinner before going to yoga with Rylee and Nicole.  Yin Yoga.  deep poses.  long breaths.  big emotions.  LOVE.  LIFE.  FAMILY.  STILLNESS.
  slow down and breathe.  slow down and love.  slow down and connect.  slow down and communicate.  slow down and feel.  slow down and give.  slow down and receive.
slow down and take in all that life has to offer.
do not take life for granted.
live life to it’s fullest.
don’t give up.
love.
always love.