notanotherphony.

Jack Tait looked in the mirror and saw shame.  saw pain.  saw a man waiting in vain.  a man filled with doubts.  filled with anger but filled just as much with sadness.  it was a face filled with emotions.  filled with lost dreams and lost friends.  even a lost Dad that he somehow has never been able to get over.  a lifelong journey to be happy becoming less likely by the minute.  by the second.
Jack Tait once played in the schoolyard with his friends.  with his enemies.  he once played soccer.  hockey.  tennis.  football.  baseball.  he also once fucked many girls.  fucked many rules.  fucked many people.  now he stares at himself in the mirror and wonders when his time will come.
He has a nine year old daughter and a thirty year old wife.
Jack Tait is lost once again.
He struggles as a parent.  he struggles as a husband.  he struggles as a son.  he struggles as a brother.  he struggles at his job.  he struggles to write meaningful stories in a meaningless world.  he is in a constant struggle to survive in a world filled with liars.  cheats.  psychopaths.  useless bores living useless lives but seemingly happy.  “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????????”
pills no longer work.  booze no longer works.  loud noises.  loud people.  “the louder you are the dumber you are.”  Jack Tait read that once on the back of a door to the can that he was taking a shit in.  “FUCK OFF POLITICALLY CORRECT PEOPLE…JUST FUCK OFF!!!
Jack Tait walks away from the mirror and sits on the couch.  he no longer lives in a shitty rundown farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.  now he lives in a dull townhouse in a dull town with dull people and dull rules.  lights out at 9pm and last calls at midnight.  there are more churches than bars and definitely more churches than strip bars.  Jack Tait has always hated strip bars anyway.  he felt that if he wanted to fuck someone he would go to a local tavern and get drunk and have fun and fun girls would come around and then he would take them home and fuck them.  “girls want to fuck too.”  This was Jack’s favourite saying and he was right.  in fact, he was right about a lot of things but nobody seemed to care.  nobody seemed to listen.  human beings do not change.  they are born religious and they will die religious.  they are born dull and they will die dull.  they are born Conservative and they will die Conservative.  Jack Tait even wondered why people had debates.  he knew long ago not to engage in meaningful conversation with dull people.  he would rather jerk off and eat a Granny Smith apple.
Jack Tait threw on his favourite cycling outfit and walked out the front door.  he saw dog shit on his front garden that the neighbour’s dog had left but he knew that it wasn’t the dog’s fault.  he knew that it was the lazy neighbour’s fault.  the lazy neighbour with three kids and a big dog in a tiny townhouse and the dog clings to a chain in the front garden.  Jack Tait wanted to help the dog.  maybe take the dog for a much needed walk.  a walk filled with fun and excitement but Jack Tait had his own problems to deal with so he just smiled at the dog instead.
Jack Tait hopped on his blue tricycle and rode out onto Veteran’s Way.  a hilly rode filled with fast moving trucks and slow moving Dodge Caravan’s.  He pedalled fast and breathed hard.  Jack Tait was on his daily escape.  he rode daily to forget the pain.  to forget the shame.  he rode to be a better person.  he rode to calm his mind and calm his body.  he didn’t want to die of cancer.  nor did he want to die of a heart attack.  Jack Tait didn’t want to die period but he knew that it was inevitable.  Fifty would soon be sixty and sixty would soon be seventy and seventy would slowly but quickly be eighty and POOF…GONE.  that’s how quickly life goes and Jack knew it.  he also knew that there wasn’t a make believe kingdom in the sky where everyone wore white and danced around and ate Arrowroot cookies.  he knew that it was another lie in a world filled with lies.  “Whatever happened to the truth?”
Jack Tait rode for one hour and then slowly rode home.  he wanted to get back to see his nine year old daughter.  he knew that she was struggling to make friends.  he knew that she was struggling to “fit in.”  he knew that she was a great person with a great heart but somehow she was left alone at recess and left alone at lunch.  her once close friends now moving on to play with others.  Taylor asked Jack, “Is there something wrong with me Daddy?  I don’t have any friends anymore.”  “No there is nothing wrong with you Taylor.  You are an amazing person with an amazing heart but nobody can see it.  the world is filled with dull people who only see dullness.  you need to stop bothering with those kids.”  Jack responded.
But Jack Tait is fifty.  Taylor Tait is nine.  she wants to fit in.  she wants to play.  she wants to be loved.  she wants to be good at sports and good at art.  she wants to be an all round great person with lots of friends and lots of love.  Jack Tait knew the world was filled with struggles and lies.  he knew this but was torn.  unsure if he should let Taylor in on the truth.  he sat there crying as he looked at his beautiful daughter who is growing up much too quickly.  he sat there unsure.  unsure about life.  unsure about death.  unsure about his talents as a parent.  unsure about many things.  he sat and cried.
he then hugged Taylor and told her everything is going to be okay.
“I love you Taylor.  I really really LOVE YOU.”

I am not dumb nor am I racist.  I am not lazy nor am I bitter.  I am not crazy nor am I troubled.  I am a smart man with an opinion.  I am angry with our society.  I am angry with our government.  I am angry with our school system.  I am angry with our rules.  I am angry with our regulations.
I wish that more people would be angry but they are too worried about bruce jenner and whether or not he is a man or a woman.  they also worry about who wins the big prize of dating some hunk on the Bachelorette.  while people waste their fucking time on these shitty shows our society is falling apart.  it is crumbling into a sickness of greed and phoniness which has ALMOST stopped our fellow human beings from caring about each other.  try to argue otherwise.
for years we blamed the blacks and their anger.  their criminal behaviour.  then we blamed the natives.  their laziness.  their drunkenness.  then we blamed the terrorists.  “IT IS ALL THEIR FAULT!!!”  we, puppets, believed the bullshit that was being forced down our fucking throats.  we believed without research.  without thought.  robots blindly moving in a circle of nothingness.  chasing a dream that is unattainable.  depression.  anxiety.  fears.  lost youth.  lost friends.  lost family.  “I NEED TO MAKE IT!!!”
now we are watching another police shooting and subsequent protests.  “RIOTS” if you use the police terms.  the government terms.  the corporate terms.
“DON’T BE ANGRY.  YOU CAN’T CHANGE THINGS SO DON’T BOTHER!!!”
lazy people with lazy opinions looking down on angry intelligent people with intelligent opinions.
where are the artists?  the troublemakers?  the innovators?
they are nowhere to be found.  buried under a blanket of shady money and shady politicians with shady agendas.  Oscars.  Grammy’s.  Emmy’s.  Non artists winning irrelevant awards.  a fixed system that feeds the rich and shits on the poor.
each day passes.  more killings.  more suicides.  more wars.  more people dying of cancers and other horrific diseases.  in fact I have lost two friends this year to the horrific disease.  who’s next?  I am becoming too afraid of death that I do not live and that is what the “rich” want.
But why don’t we all stand up in unison and say, “NO MORE!!!”  what are we all afraid of?  is silence the answer as we delve further and further into debt both financially and emotionally?  NO IT IS NOT.  Power in numbers but we should be applauding the angry blacks who have finally had enough.  do not shoot them down.  you shoot them down and you are voting for the bad guys.  the smiling bad guys in boring suits and boring thoughts. 
“FUCK THEM AND FIGHT BACK.”
ANGER IS NEEDED.
PEACE HAS GOTTEN US NOWHERE.
Namaste.

bored.  restless.  edgy.  horny.  angry.  bored.  bored.  bored.  scared.  bored once again.  life passing me by but unable to slow it down.  unable to move forward.  unable to sing.  unable to dance.  bored in a boring town filled with boring ladies and boring restaurants.  lights off by 9pm.  church bells ringing at 9am.  dumb men.  dumb rules.  cold.  dreary.  construction sights filled with construction workers building cheap homes and cheap dreams.
BORED.  night fast approaching and my one excitement for the day is blowing my load.  WOW I AM STILL ALIVE!!!
BORED…what to do?  what to do?  what to do?  money constraints.  law constraints.  marriage constraints.  life gets tougher when you get older as you have more rules and less freedom.  “Maybe that’s why I had that dream about being in a Nazi Concentration Camp.”  Trying to escape but never being able to.  another day passes off of my life filled with routines and coffee.  wine and toothpaste.  What happened to late nights filled with booze and broads?  hangovers and greasy breakfasts?  now it is bedtime at ten.  wake up at 6.  coffee.  get dressed.  walk Taylor to school and then more coffee and sit and stare at a crappy computer screen all day.  mix in a 10k run and more coffee.  maybe a walk with the family and then back to the house for an average dinner and then some reading and then some wine and kiss on Taylor’s forehead and back down to the couch to drink more wine and read.  maybe jerk off.  fall asleep.
BORED.  no bike.  too expensive.  no fun.  too expensive.  no girls.  no guys.  no life.  rules and regulations and then we die.  WOW…FUN. 
I am so fucking bored with fucking facebook and fucking phonies that I could/should rip the computer out of my wall and smash it to smithereens.  RIP COMPUTER.  1 million hits.  fuck I hate boring people.  FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Goodnight.
can’t sleep.  I can hear the neighbour to the right of me snoring.  I can also hear the neighbour to the left of me snoring.  we are a society filled with boring people saying boring things and living boring lives and they are trying to drag me down with them.  “LEAVE ME ALONE ADOLF!!!”
fuck me.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG.  ALL I DID WAS SPEAK THE TRUTH.  MY TRUTH.  EVERYONE IS PHONY.  EVERYTHING IS WATERED DOWN.  FLUFF RULES.  PHONINESS RULES.  NOW I CAN’T EVEN HAVE AN OPINION WITHOUT ALL THE PUPPETS GETTING UPSET AND TELLING ME TO DO YOGA AND SMILE EVEN WHEN I AM UPSET OR DISGUSTED!!!  THIS IS NOT FAIR ADOLF.  WHY DON’T YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR!!!” Jack ranted.
“YOU DO AS I SAY OR YOU WILL BE SENT TO THE GAS CHAMBER JACK.  I AM SICK AND TIRED OF SEEING YOUR EMOTION ON FACEBOOK.  I AM SICK AND TIRED OF FEELING YOUR WORDS.  I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU ACTUALLY CARING ABOUT WHAT I DO AND WHAT I SAY.  HEIL.  HEIL.  HEIL!!!”  Adolf screamed back.
“I CAN YELL LOUDER THAN YOU ADOLF SO LEAVE ME ALONE AND GO BACK TO MANIPULATING PEOPLE AND BRAINWASHING PEOPLE.  DO WHAT YOU DO BEST.  FIND THE PUPPETS AND BEAT THEM DOWN INTO SUBMISSION AND THEN, IF THAT DOESN’T WORK, KILL THEM WITH GAS!!!”  Jack continued.
“HEIL…HEIL…HEIL…HOW DARE YOU SPEAK YOUR MIND.  WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  YOU ARE A LONELY NAKED MAN WITH ONE BALL SCRAPING THE GROUND AND YOU RIDE A TRICYCLE.  WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER?  LOOK AT THE PRIESTS, THE BANKERS, THE POLITICIANS, THE PENCIL PUSHERS, AND THE STORE MANAGERS.  THEY ARE FOLLOWING MY PLAN.  YOU SHOULD TOO MY FRIEND!!!”  Adolf continued to yell.  spit flinging into the air and snot stuck to his weird moustache.
“I REFUSE TO BACK DOWN ADOLF.  YOU WILL HAVE TO GET JOSEF AND THE REST OF YOUR PUPPETS TO COME DOWN HERE AND TAKE ME DOWN BECAUSE YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO DO IT ON YOUR OWN OLD MAN.  I WILL BEAT YOU INTO SUBMISSION WITH MY LOUISVILLE SLUGGER BASEBALL BAT!!!”
“HEIL…HEIL…HEIL…ENOUGH!!!  YOU HAVE NO OPINIONS HERE.  THIS IS NOT A FREE WORLD.  YOU ARE WRONG TO GO AGAINST ME.  GO BACK HOME AND WATCH TV.  LISTEN TO POP MUSIC.  WATCH THE EMMY’S AND WATCH THE GRAMMY’S.  WATCH AND LEARN.  WATCH AND LEARN.  WATCH AND LEARN.  LOOK AT ME.  YOUR EYES ARE GETTING SLEEPIER AND SLEEPIER.  SLEEPIER AND SLEEPIER.  DO NOT WATCH ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL.  DO NOT WATCH REQUIEM FOR A DREAM.  THAT IS TOO SCARY.  DO YOU SEE OTHER PEOPLE WATCHING IT???  THEY ARE WATCHING GOOD STUFF LIKE 50 SHADES OF GREY.  HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE LIKE?  WHY DO YOU RIDE A TRICYCLE?  YOU SHOULD DRIVE A BIG CAR THAT EATS ALL THE GAS AWAY.  I WILL GIVE YOU A LOAN.  GET A BIG HOUSE TOO JACK.  I WILL LOAN YOU THE MONEY.  I WANT TO HELP YOU.  I CAN EVEN GET YOU A DEAL ON CABLE WHERE YOU CAN GET 1,000 CHANNELS.  ALL THE TOP RATED SHOWS LIKE ELLEN AND KARDASHIANS.  I WILL BE YOUR FRIEND.”  Adolf continued to scream.
“ADOLF YOU HAVE WATERED DOWN OUR WHOLE COUNTRY SO MUCH SO THAT PEOPLE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS REAL AND WHAT IS FAKE ANYMORE.  YOU HAVE PEOPLE BELIEVING IN FAKE WORLDS IN THE SKY AND FAKE MEN WITH BIG BEARDS WHO CAN SOMEHOW PERFORM MIRACLES WHILE YOUNG CHILDREN ARE BUTCHERED DAILY AND YOUNG KIDS ARE STARVING TO DEATH IN AFRICA AND EVEN AMERICA.  YOU HAVE PEOPLE BELIEVING IN BANKS THAT ARE PUT IN PLACE TO ROB YOU OF YOUR MONEY BUT YOU ARREST THE POOR PEASANT WHO TRIES TO MANIPULATE HIS TAXES BECAUSE HE OWES MORE MONEY THAT HE MAKES.  YOU HAVE ALMOST WON ADOLF BUT I WILL FUCKING FIGHT YOU TO THE BITTER END.  I WILL EXPOSE YOU AT THE EXPENSE OF MY LIFE.  MY WIFE.  MY FAMILY.  MY FRIENDS.  MY FAKE FOLLOWERS ON FACEBOOK AND MY FAKE NEIGHBOURS WHO SMILE EVERYTIME I SEE THEM BUT LEAVE DOG SHITS DAILY ON MY LAWN.  I WILL FUCKING EXPOSE YOU YOU FUCKING MAGGOT.  HEIL…HEIL…HEIL…HEIL…HELL!!!  HELL!!!  HELL!!!  I CAN YELL LOUDER THAN YOU ADOLF.  BYE BYE MY FRIEND!!!”
jack tait jumped on his tricycle and rode away from the villain.  leaving the villain sweating and angry.  jack tait was smiling.  feeling.  angry.  happy.  sad.  lonely.  frustrated.  driven.  opportunistic.  jack had all the emotions that a child had.  that a child has…before he/she gets them beaten out of him/her but a manipulative society run by a manipulative leader with a manipulative agenda.
jack tait was happy while poor. 
most were sad while rich.
phony.  the truth is revealed on your deathbed.  start practicing truth now or look out…IT WON’T BE PRETTY.

another year older.  another year wiser.  another year angrier.  another year sadder.  more aches.  more pains.  less hair.  less brains.  more thoughts keeping me awake at night.  more pills to put me to sleep.  more booze.  more wrinkles.  a never ending restlessness to do something with my life.  something impactful.  something meaningful.  something worthwhile.  another day closer to death.  another day closer to never seeing my family again.  ever.  FUCK TGIF.  FUCK MOST PEOPLE.
the pinched nerve in my neck leaves but then the flu comes.  the flu leaves and then the pinched nerve comes back.  three more days off of my life.  trying to work with people twenty years younger but the younger you are the less restless.  the less important things are NOW.  “I’m only twenty-five.  I have my whole life ahead of me.”  very true.  I cannot argue so I move onto others.  I am in a never ending battle with myself to do something meaningful.  while others watch Kardashians and other useless reality shows I am reading books.  running.  drinking.  fucking.  masturbating.  going to psychiatrists.  taking pills.  looking deep inside to find the truth of my being.  the truth of life.  which is the truth of my being.  love is very important.  hate is also important.  and do not let the peasants fool you.  they tell you to love the ones you hate.  well I say, “HATE THE ONES YOU HATE.”  who gives a fuck about the haters.  they don’t care about you.  in fact, most people don’t care about you.  they don’t care about me.  we look for approval.  we look for advice.  we look for “likes” on our posts.  we look for phony people to like our phony posts.  FUCK EVERYONE AND LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT TO LIVE IT.  we all die.  we do not go to heaven because there is no heaven.  another sad lie that was told to me when I was a child.  lies that go unpunished.  liars.  cheaters.  murderers.  rapists.  dumb people in big dumb trucks.  we are a society filled with do gooders and rule followers but then revere the rule breakers.  the innovators.  the troublemakers.  the thinkers.
if you strive to be happy through accumulating wealth you will NEVER be happy.  you will either drown in debt or you will succeed in getting rich at the expense of your life.  your wife.  your family.  your health.  your fun.  you will chase and chase and the carrot will be two inches away from your mouth the way your dick is two inches away from your mouth when you try to give yourself a blowjob.  TORTURE.  TORTURE.  TORTURE.  bent neck.  pinched nerve.  “Is that how it happened?”  getting old sucks.  don’t let the eighty year old haggard lady fool you.  our society is filled with liars.  now.  then. 
line-ups at Pandora.  bratty kids throwing toy guns in restaurants.  hot waitresses…always.  are there never guy servers?  skimpy dresses.  “DON’T LOOK!!!”  of course not…I am married.  DON’T CHEAT.  DON’T LOOK AT PORN.  DON’T JERK OFF.  DON’T DRINK.  DON’T LUST AFTER SOMEONE.  DON’T FLIRT.  DON’T TALK ABOUT SEX.  DON’T HAVE THREESOMES.  DON’T HAVE FIVESOMES.  DON’T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX.  DON’T HAVE AN ABORTION.  DON’T THINK TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  rules made by priests who diddle young boys.  principals.  suit wearing clergymen. 
we are all dying a slow death.  fact.  not fiction.  you can’t escape it.  inevitably your time will come.  hopefully painless.  hopefully peaceful.  DO NOT DIE ON THEIR TERMS. 
steam rooms.  long lonely drives.  Brian Jonestown Massacre.  malls.  packed parking lots.  packed shoppers.  no money.  no souls.  no hearts.  no brains.  a race to the bottom.  no style.  no thoughts…of their own.  sad dreams.  sad parents.  a vicious cycle of never knowing someone.
why do the wrong parents have the most kids?
I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M FUCKING FORTY EIGHT FUCKING YEARS OLD!!!