i drank too much wine last night and stayed up way too late. i also ate a bag of chips and jerked off. not very productive and not disciplined at all.
i woke up tired and groggy and my body is in it’s usual pain. i’ve stopped taking my adderall much to the chagrin of my doctors but the side effects far outweigh the benefits. pounding head and, more importantly, my inability to sleep have, once again, stopped me from continuing with my meds. so tired and groggy but also noticing a pattern of helplessness and negativity in the mornings. this could be due to my daily drinking and lack of stable work. lack of stability period.
this year has been tough on me both physically and mentally. i had unsuccessful knee surgery in january which never did solve my knee issues and the pain and the swelling in my right knee has now put my whole alignment out of whack. now there is pain in other areas of my body. months of tests and bloodwork have revealed very little aside from a small hernia that isn’t serious at the moment. no arthritis. no gout. no auto-immune disorder. just a painful body and an unresolved knee issue. i had an appointment with a top knee surgeon scheduled for friday but i booked a tiny part in a popular tv series on the same day. such is my life as a man without a real job nor a real career. the struggle is real.
today i worked construction for half a day then drove down to the film studio for a wardrobe fitting and then sat in bumper to bumper traffic on my two hour drive home. i had a great and inspiring conversation with a good friend of mine who is also a great artist. we spoke about our struggles both mentally and financially but also spoke about our potential and our lack of positive mentors growing up.
I REALLY AM TRYING TO BETTER MY LIFE.
i am consumed with mindsets.
i have struggled in life and continue to struggle.
i have made many mistakes and made some very poor decisions.
but i have also lived a great life filled with great fun and great friends and i have a beautiful daughter and a beautiful wife who are all part of the struggle. part of the journey.
anxiety is real for me.
i am ready to learn and grow and i will run again and i will open up and find me again.
LOVE WITH ALL OF MY HEART.
i am not drinking tonight.
notanotherphony. 