Tag: health

whining and shitting.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

planned for a great sleep after another long day at work. long drive. long hours. long time to get stuff set up. windy outside. cool temps. planned for a great sleep. one beer. one glass of wine. anxiety meds. sleeping pills. reading. turned off the lights at 11:30pm. Sara snoring. Taylor downstairs sick. stuffy nose. coughing. lights go off. podcast on. some shitty podcast about making your art no matter what. too much woke culture talk. FUCK OFF!!!

fall asleep. then whining. murphy needs to go out for a shit. he has the runs. wait for him to come back in. go back up to bed. fall fast asleep and then murphy starts whining again. he needs to go back outside for a shit. he has the runs. we go back downstairs. i let him out and wait. he comes back in and we go back up. sara still snoring. somehow someway i fall back asleep again and then murphy whines again. wake up. go downstairs. open the door. wait for murphy to take a shit. he has the runs. wait. he comes back in. we go back up. windows open. cars starting. trucks moving. morning fast approaching. the dull and dumb commuters starting. 6am hits and my alarm goes off. murphy sound asleep. sara still snoring. taylor downstairs sick but sleeping. me awake. tired. frustrated. lost. confused. COFFEE TIME. OLD ESPRESSO MACHINE BACK. it was broken and, hopefully, now it’s not. everyone sleeping. me drinking coffee. no oat milk so it’s not the best. me writing. sara snoring. murphy sleeping. taylor downstairs sick, but, hopefully, sleeping. TIRED.

TIRED.

FRUSTRATED.

LOST.

STUCK.

my friend, joe, died yesterday. liver and kidney failure. too much booze. too lonely. no support. no purpose. what happened to him? did he not have anyone around to help him get back on track?

no friends?

no family?

no support?

no purpose?

SAD.

THE END.

LIFE JUST KEEPS ON MOVING.

TAKE CONTROL BUT HOW?

WHAT?

WHERE?

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?

dogs live such short lives.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

woke up at 5:30am. had two coffees. one shit. one conversation with my wife. one with my dog. psychiatrist appt in 10 minutes. got paid. so did my wife. bank account getting smaller as i work longer. work harder. doing the opposite of “living the dream”. at least i’m not dead. at least i’m not in jail. at least i have two legs and a big heart.

my dog lays comfortably beside me.

calm.

relaxed.

content.

it will be a sad day when he is no longer with us or when he gets old and becomes less mobile. less energetic.

seeing people get old saddens me.

seeing my dog get old saddens me too.

dogs live such short lives.

they are so loyal.

so loving.

so caring.

so intuitive.

so kind.

this is all “to be continued” as i have to log onto my computer for my psychotherapist appointment and get ready to spill my guts again. open up again. hopefully, get help again.

I NEED MONEY.

I NEED FUN.

I NEED JOY.

I NEED PEOPLE.

I NEED LOVE.

appointment over.

work day over.

murphy’s daycare over.

laying in bed learning lines…AGAIN.

always learning lines for roles that i don’t get.

sounds silly.

sounds wasteful.

sounds insane.

insane.

wasteful.

silly.

DONE.

A MAN’S WORK IS NEVER DONE.

I AM DONE.

I AM TIRED.

I AM SORE.

SORE ARMS.

SORE LEGS.

SORE NOSE.

SORE KNEES.

SORE EGO.

SORE LIFE.

the only time that i am happy is when i am engaged with people.

engaged in great conversation.

or great sex (this never happens).

or great debates.

or drunken debaucheries (the good old days).

wrist and hands now sore.

sore throat?

sore mind?

SORE LOSER???!!!

TIRED.

TIRED.

TIRED.

LOVE LIFE.

LOVE AND LIVE.

OR DON’T LOVE AND DIE ALONE AND UNHAPPY.

“THE GUILT WILL SUCK YOU DOWN.”

how sick is war?

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

10 hours of sleep.

feeling sick.

stuffy nose.

sore throat.

low energy.

no energy.

up at 5am. went to bed at 7pm.

so tired.

so bored.

so depressed.

so stuck.

so lost.

i could sleep all day again today but i have to work.

need money.

need to pay rent.

need to pay for food.

need to pay bills.

NEED TO LIVE THE AMERICAN DREAM WHILE LIVING IN ORANGEVILLE, ONTARIO, CANADA.

soooooooooooooooo tired.

it’s hard to write with so little energy. i keep falling asleep. keep pushing. keep pushing through.

great dreams last night but, as always, they are all forgotten. maybe it was about war???

HOW SICK IS WAR???

HOW SICK ARE THE PEOPLE WHO DECIDE THAT WAR IS OUR ONLY ANSWER?

WAR SOLVES NOTHING.

big egos.

falling asleep again.

SHIT.

HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH WORK TODAY?

meds.

meds.

meds.

and more meds!!!

lots of fluids.

lots of meds.

lots of perseverance.

lots of distractions.

lots of persistence.

lots of hope.

LOST HOPE.

lost fires.

lost loves.

lost wives.

lost an loaded.

always lost and loaded.