I NEED A SHIT.

write.

don’t write.

write.

don’t write.

write.

don’t write.

what to write about?

what to say?

SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

I NEED A SHIT.

my face is warm.

my shole body is sore.

i still have no money.

no plans.

no goals.

no structure.

no purpose.

no passion.

write.

don’t write.

write.

don’t write.

write.

don’t write.

OH NO MY WIFE IS WAKING UP!!!

SHE WILL INTERRUPT MY WRITING. MY LACK OF WRITING. MY THOUGHTS AND PURPOSE.

SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

I NEED A SHIT.

I NEED TO GET READY FOR WORK.

long drives.

gas money.

HUMP DAY?

lots of stupid sayings for dull people in dull jobs. slowly dying dull and slow deaths.

FIGHT.

FIGHT.

FIGHT.

bring passion back.

CHOOSE YOUR POISON.

a long weekend of drinking and fun times for my mom’s birthday. hopefully there are still many more left. she loves it when we all get along. she is a great woman. she’s had a tough life and i know that she has regrets (don’t we all) but she is a good person and a resilient one as well.

anyway, fun times but i am feeling the effects of three days of drinking.

tired.

groggy.

foggy.

sweaty.

clammy.

why do i do this to myself?

this week i will get back to my regular drinking habit of two glasses of wine at night before bed.

habits can be helpful or hurtful.

pick and choose.

CHOOSE YOUR POISON.

monday morning blues are upon me and i usually don’t get them anymore but i have to deal with one today. back to the grind of landscaping in the heat.

digging.

planting.

sweating.

STAY POSITIVE.

STAY POSITIVE.

STAY POSITIVE.

focus.

set goals.

what is my purpose?

execute my plan.

what is my plan?

nail down my plan.

nail down my plan and then execute that plan.

daily work.

daily habits.

daily rewards.

i want to go back to bed.

i am sooooooooooooo tired.

i miss taylor so much.

what a great human being.

her 19th birthday is fast approaching.

time needs to slow down.

i need to be more present.

i need to be healthier.

i need to exercise more.

i need to eat healthier.

needs and wants and everything in between.

my head hurts.

my heart is still.

my face is pulsating.

I AM REAL.

DRUGS.

coughing.

coughing.

coughing.

my cough leaves for a few days and then it returns with a bang.

it is dull and gloomy outside and my nose is itchy.

my house is cold and my tired dog lays beside me.

novels and self help books are scattered on the floor beside my bed and i have started a new adhd medication (again).

there are those who think adhd is “made up” or a fabricated illness. i beg to differ.

at night i conjure up all kinds of brilliant ways to improve my lot in life. all kinds of ways to improve the world. all kinds of ways to save the world. in the morning i wake up tired and my mind is restless. i decide that cleaning the house and doing the dishes is more important than saving my family. saving myself. saving the world. the cycle will continue tonight. i make daily lists. i write out daily goals. i have daily spurts of creativity and then BOOM. I accomplish nothing.

in fact there wasn’t even a BOOM.

only a quiet murmur.

my head is now foggy.

is that the result of the new meds?

side effects already?

i need to go to the gym.

my belly has become fat due to my damaged knee.

damaged knee.

hacking cough.

dizzy mind.

too much coffee and not enough human interaction.

donald trump was the president of the united states. he can’t spell and has little heart and zero soul. he is soon to be president again. he is also a criminal.

rob ford was the leader of our city. he was overweight. drugged out. dumb. sloppy and immoral. he was also a criminal.

trudeau.

biden.

doug ford.

pierre poillievre.

netanyahu.

on and on the list goes. the list grows.

criminals leading our world.

terrible leaders.

terrible people.

terrible hearts.

zero souls.

miniature sized brains.

old.

lazy.

sloppy.

OVERWEIGHT PIGS.

these are the people who we vote in to lead us.

where are they leading us to?

i am now tired.

DRUGS.

DRUGS.

DRUGS.

why am i here?

knee still in pain. nobody understands the pain of another. it is difficult to do. difficult to describe. everyone has a different pain threshold. my knee is almost immobile and is very swollen and unusable. i know that there is something wrong with it but our healthcare system is in shambles and i can’t seem to get an mri. i cannot afford physio. i’ve seen one walk-in clinic doctor and one emerg doctor plus had an x-ray and an ultrasound and i can GUARANTEE that the experts have misdiagnosed my knee injury. similar to so-called expert psychiatrists and psychotherapists misdiagnosing my mental health issues.

ADHD?

SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER?

PTSD?

BIPOLAR?

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER?

do doctors really care?

does anyone really care?

constant wars.

constant deaths.

constant suicides.

constant homelessness.

constant drug addicts.

we are becoming numb to our world.

we are becoming numb to our emotions.

we are becoming numb to our fellow human beings.

we chase money and chase possessions relentlessly but remain unhappy. remain stressed.

disconnected.

frustrated.

stressed.

poverty ridden.

debt ridden.

living in pain.

loving in pain.

accepting of the living and loving in pain.

everything can be bought.

a cost to everything.

it is 3:30am and i am about to start work in a small town with little culture and even less history.

WHY AM I HERE?

a real question.

why am i here?

is there nothing more out there in the world?

explore.

be curious.

explore and be curious the way that i explored and was curious as a little kid.

follow the light and follow the breath.

avoid the noise and avoid the rules.

my shirts are ripped but so were my dad’s.

dad.

mom.

dom.

a family torn apart at such a young age.

sad.

whining and shitting.

planned for a great sleep after another long day at work. long drive. long hours. long time to get stuff set up. windy outside. cool temps. planned for a great sleep. one beer. one glass of wine. anxiety meds. sleeping pills. reading. turned off the lights at 11:30pm. Sara snoring. Taylor downstairs sick. stuffy nose. coughing. lights go off. podcast on. some shitty podcast about making your art no matter what. too much woke culture talk. FUCK OFF!!!

fall asleep. then whining. murphy needs to go out for a shit. he has the runs. wait for him to come back in. go back up to bed. fall fast asleep and then murphy starts whining again. he needs to go back outside for a shit. he has the runs. we go back downstairs. i let him out and wait. he comes back in and we go back up. sara still snoring. somehow someway i fall back asleep again and then murphy whines again. wake up. go downstairs. open the door. wait for murphy to take a shit. he has the runs. wait. he comes back in. we go back up. windows open. cars starting. trucks moving. morning fast approaching. the dull and dumb commuters starting. 6am hits and my alarm goes off. murphy sound asleep. sara still snoring. taylor downstairs sick but sleeping. me awake. tired. frustrated. lost. confused. COFFEE TIME. OLD ESPRESSO MACHINE BACK. it was broken and, hopefully, now it’s not. everyone sleeping. me drinking coffee. no oat milk so it’s not the best. me writing. sara snoring. murphy sleeping. taylor downstairs sick, but, hopefully, sleeping. TIRED.

TIRED.

FRUSTRATED.

LOST.

STUCK.

my friend, joe, died yesterday. liver and kidney failure. too much booze. too lonely. no support. no purpose. what happened to him? did he not have anyone around to help him get back on track?

no friends?

no family?

no support?

no purpose?

SAD.

THE END.

LIFE JUST KEEPS ON MOVING.

TAKE CONTROL BUT HOW?

WHAT?

WHERE?

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?