JESUS SAVES.

people take their jobs much too seriously. people take their positions much too seriously. stress which leads to bad behaviour and bad leadership. we are a culture of people pleasing at the expense of our mental health. at the expense of treating people properly. at the expense of our backbone. bowing down and bowing to the rich who go out for expensive dinners and drink expensive wines. money that was passed down to them from their parents. old money passed down over and over again. and despite what we want to do our minds and bodies bow down to them too. look up to them. smother them with fake compliments and fake laughs. but back to my original point. why do we take our jobs so seriously? selling shoes. serving food. cutting grass. installing sprinkler systems. all jobs that could disappear and nobody would bat an eye or an eyelash. no lives are being saved. JESUS SAVES. no kids are being taught. no decisions being made on nuclear weapons, nuclear bombs, and nuclear waste. grass. shoes. food. drink. make it about people. be a good leader. be a good person. be someone who inspires. someone who brings joy.

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF AND IT IS ALWAYS SMALL STUFF.

why do restaurants have to be sooo stressful? soooo toxic?

why are there pretentious restaurant goers?

why do we cater to rich elites with deep pockets and no soul?

why choose the path of losing oneself to please someone else?

NO MISTAKES ALLOWED.

who set up such a fantastic system?

why do we follow such a shitty system?

why do we allow life to be so stressful?

DO NOT LET PEOPLE TALK DOWN TO YOU.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU LET ANYONE TALK DOWN TO YOU.

UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR IS UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR.

HIERARCHIES MEAN NOTHING.

I NEED A SHIT.

write.

don’t write.

write.

don’t write.

write.

don’t write.

what to write about?

what to say?

SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

I NEED A SHIT.

my face is warm.

my shole body is sore.

i still have no money.

no plans.

no goals.

no structure.

no purpose.

no passion.

write.

don’t write.

write.

don’t write.

write.

don’t write.

OH NO MY WIFE IS WAKING UP!!!

SHE WILL INTERRUPT MY WRITING. MY LACK OF WRITING. MY THOUGHTS AND PURPOSE.

SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

I NEED A SHIT.

I NEED TO GET READY FOR WORK.

long drives.

gas money.

HUMP DAY?

lots of stupid sayings for dull people in dull jobs. slowly dying dull and slow deaths.

FIGHT.

FIGHT.

FIGHT.

bring passion back.

CHOOSE YOUR POISON.

a long weekend of drinking and fun times for my mom’s birthday. hopefully there are still many more left. she loves it when we all get along. she is a great woman. she’s had a tough life and i know that she has regrets (don’t we all) but she is a good person and a resilient one as well.

anyway, fun times but i am feeling the effects of three days of drinking.

tired.

groggy.

foggy.

sweaty.

clammy.

why do i do this to myself?

this week i will get back to my regular drinking habit of two glasses of wine at night before bed.

habits can be helpful or hurtful.

pick and choose.

CHOOSE YOUR POISON.

monday morning blues are upon me and i usually don’t get them anymore but i have to deal with one today. back to the grind of landscaping in the heat.

digging.

planting.

sweating.

STAY POSITIVE.

STAY POSITIVE.

STAY POSITIVE.

focus.

set goals.

what is my purpose?

execute my plan.

what is my plan?

nail down my plan.

nail down my plan and then execute that plan.

daily work.

daily habits.

daily rewards.

i want to go back to bed.

i am sooooooooooooo tired.

i miss taylor so much.

what a great human being.

her 19th birthday is fast approaching.

time needs to slow down.

i need to be more present.

i need to be healthier.

i need to exercise more.

i need to eat healthier.

needs and wants and everything in between.

my head hurts.

my heart is still.

my face is pulsating.

I AM REAL.

DRUGS.

coughing.

coughing.

coughing.

my cough leaves for a few days and then it returns with a bang.

it is dull and gloomy outside and my nose is itchy.

my house is cold and my tired dog lays beside me.

novels and self help books are scattered on the floor beside my bed and i have started a new adhd medication (again).

there are those who think adhd is “made up” or a fabricated illness. i beg to differ.

at night i conjure up all kinds of brilliant ways to improve my lot in life. all kinds of ways to improve the world. all kinds of ways to save the world. in the morning i wake up tired and my mind is restless. i decide that cleaning the house and doing the dishes is more important than saving my family. saving myself. saving the world. the cycle will continue tonight. i make daily lists. i write out daily goals. i have daily spurts of creativity and then BOOM. I accomplish nothing.

in fact there wasn’t even a BOOM.

only a quiet murmur.

my head is now foggy.

is that the result of the new meds?

side effects already?

i need to go to the gym.

my belly has become fat due to my damaged knee.

damaged knee.

hacking cough.

dizzy mind.

too much coffee and not enough human interaction.

donald trump was the president of the united states. he can’t spell and has little heart and zero soul. he is soon to be president again. he is also a criminal.

rob ford was the leader of our city. he was overweight. drugged out. dumb. sloppy and immoral. he was also a criminal.

trudeau.

biden.

doug ford.

pierre poillievre.

netanyahu.

on and on the list goes. the list grows.

criminals leading our world.

terrible leaders.

terrible people.

terrible hearts.

zero souls.

miniature sized brains.

old.

lazy.

sloppy.

OVERWEIGHT PIGS.

these are the people who we vote in to lead us.

where are they leading us to?

i am now tired.

DRUGS.

DRUGS.

DRUGS.

why am i here?

knee still in pain. nobody understands the pain of another. it is difficult to do. difficult to describe. everyone has a different pain threshold. my knee is almost immobile and is very swollen and unusable. i know that there is something wrong with it but our healthcare system is in shambles and i can’t seem to get an mri. i cannot afford physio. i’ve seen one walk-in clinic doctor and one emerg doctor plus had an x-ray and an ultrasound and i can GUARANTEE that the experts have misdiagnosed my knee injury. similar to so-called expert psychiatrists and psychotherapists misdiagnosing my mental health issues.

ADHD?

SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER?

PTSD?

BIPOLAR?

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER?

do doctors really care?

does anyone really care?

constant wars.

constant deaths.

constant suicides.

constant homelessness.

constant drug addicts.

we are becoming numb to our world.

we are becoming numb to our emotions.

we are becoming numb to our fellow human beings.

we chase money and chase possessions relentlessly but remain unhappy. remain stressed.

disconnected.

frustrated.

stressed.

poverty ridden.

debt ridden.

living in pain.

loving in pain.

accepting of the living and loving in pain.

everything can be bought.

a cost to everything.

it is 3:30am and i am about to start work in a small town with little culture and even less history.

WHY AM I HERE?

a real question.

why am i here?

is there nothing more out there in the world?

explore.

be curious.

explore and be curious the way that i explored and was curious as a little kid.

follow the light and follow the breath.

avoid the noise and avoid the rules.

my shirts are ripped but so were my dad’s.

dad.

mom.

dom.

a family torn apart at such a young age.

sad.