Tag: love

emergency explosions.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

pain is constant.

knees.

ankles.

feet.

back.

old age?

shitty job?

shitty shoes?

overweight?

too much booze?

not enough veggies?

not enough exercise because of the shitty job?

i woke up at 6am yesterday.

very tired.

tired of the grind.

tired of the nothingness.

tired of the mundane.

drank a coffee.

rushed out the door and arrived at work. jumped in a truck and arrived at our first house but not before a second coffee and a breakfast sandwich from mickie dees. shitty food but tasty when you’re tired, depressed, and lost.

ate my food.

drank my coffee.

arrived at our first house of the day.

beautiful country home with lots of privacy and a beautiful property. the sun was beaming down and it was crisp but beautiful.

we pulled out our lawn mowers and started to mow the grass. i looked to the right of me and almost collapsed. two big horses standing and conversing. wild horses. after my initial shock i nervously walked over to them and soon realized that they were fake plastic horses.

FUCK.

SHIT.

OH NO.

ALL OF A SUDDEN MY STOMACH WAS RUMBLING AND I NEEDED TO EXPLODE.

a bottle of wine.

two coffees.

and a mickie dees sandwich will do it every time.

who needs ex-lax when our society is filled with shitty take-out restaurants that will ALWAYS do the trick.

i grabbed paper towels from the glove box of the truck and ran into the forest. i thought i may see a deer, a coyote, a bear, a fox, or a rabbit. instead i saw a few lady bugs and felt a few mosquitoes. i whipped off my shorts then whipped off my underwear. i took one big breath and pushed everything out in one big explosion and one big push. why can’t my shits at home be this easy??? i wiped my ass. put my underwear and shorts back on and then picked up the shitty paper towels. i was going to bring them back to the truck but my work partner would have snapped out (he’s testy) so i littered and left the shitty paper towels along with the shit back in the woods. i left the forest and returned to beauty. a hundred pounds lighter and a sense that i really am a man.

I AM A MAN.

then i started mowing grass and picking up leaves.

i am 57 years old.

sad.

depressing.

tired.

tomorrow is always tomorrow and yesterday is always yesterday.

are there still wars going on?

fight the power.

mirrors and mumbles.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

monday morning after a weekend of nothingness. dog walks. gym. starbucks. walk at island lake and two days of heavy drinking.

my feet are still sore.

my knees are still sore.

my spirits are high but i’m wondering why.

i know that there is more to life but i haven’t found that yet. i am still searching and still not finding. the world is crumbling and no one seems to care. taylor swift is more important. kim kardashian is more important. suzanne sommers is more important. i try to help save the world but i have not figured out how to save myself. i used to wake up, hungover, in rundown houses on random streets or in random drunk tanks in random towns. now i wake up hungover in a boring house on a boring street in a boring town. the excitement is now gone.

i know more now but earn less.

i know myself more now but earn less.

i know what to do and where to do it and with whom to do it with but i sit alone. i sit alone. i sit alone.

thoughts of freedom

thoughts of hope.

thoughts of confusion.

stop the thoughts but…

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!

I NEED HELP!!!!!!

dark days and dark nights. the clock is ticking faster and faster and faster.

i see old sad faces with weak bones and weak souls.

i see old sad faces with sad eyes and sad souls.

old.

sad.

nervous.

angst ridden.

afraid.

worried.

they miss their husbands.

they miss their wives.

they just want love.

and they just want to begin again but it is too late.

look in the mirror.

man in the mirror.

mirror.

more access to info and less truths.

less truths and more fighting.

more fighting and less love.

love conquers all.

love will tear us apart.

the man who sold the world.

create chaos and create pain.

PASSION AND CHAOS.

happy? anniversary.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

i woke up at 5:30 am on the floor and, immediately, drank a coffee. after one sip i headed straight to the bathroom. a two day release of bad food. bad wine. bad conversation and bad company. i flooded the toilet and then shat some more. i needed five flushes and a plunger to survive. after half an hour i made it out of the bathroom and drank some more coffee. i then went to my bed and sat down to ponder life. i pondered about the day. i pondered about the weather. i pondered about the never ending wars. the lack of humanity. the shitty leaders in shitty governments. the shitty food chains. the shitty commercials. the shitty movies and the shitty shows. the shitty pop stars and the shitty puppets who follow them.

WE LIVE IN A SICK WORLD.

the constant pounding down our throats of false narratives and disgusting propaganda. innocent children dying due to extreme greed. innocent children starving. innocent children born into poverty and bombed out buildings. innocent children born into shitty families with shitty parents who drink shitty beer.

TRUCKS EVERYWHERE.

CONVERSATION NOWHERE.

love.

listening.

empathy.

intelligence.

where are you?

you seem to be lost.

TGIF.

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY.

another week survived in a dead end job with dead end conversations and dead end pay.

while friends are posting about their epic trips to greece and france and germany and chile i am eating take out pizza and drinking cheap wine with my wife. it is our anniversary. we think??? we don’t really know. we never know. and why do we celebrate our anniversary when we aren’t really happy?

we don’t do anything together.

we don’t have fun.

we don’t have money.

we don’t have sex.

we don’t listen to each other.

we don’t talk to each other.

zero talks.

zero fucks.

zero money.

zero fun.

zero love.

zero hope.

zero plan.

zero.

zero and dull.

dull and zero.

happy anniversary.

i love you.

SHE BELONGS.

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i survived another sleep without nightmares. without having to go pee. without falling off the bed. mornings are good. mornings are quiet.

aside from the sore feet and sore knee i wake up happy and with some sense of hope that today is going to be a better day than the last.

i take a sip from my coffee mug. the coffee tastes great. the mug says, “DAD.”

i stop thinking and start feeling.

i feel.

i feel the love of my daughter and the love for my daughter. she bought me that mug. she is a great kid…adult now. time flies. she is thriving out west and i am soooo happy for her. the phone calls to her and from her have been less and less each week and i guess that is how life works. she’s becoming independent. she’s meeting great friends. she is happy and vibrant and filled with a HUGE sense that she belongs and SHE IS RIGHT.

SHE BELONGS.

SHE BELONGS IN SUCH A BIG WAY.

SHE NOT ONLY BELONGS SHE IS NEEDED IN THESE TIMES OF HATRED AND GREED.

taylor has a huge heart.

taylor has so much empathy.

taylor is passionate.

taylor is engaging.

taylor is smart.

taylor is beautiful.

taylor LOVES EVERYONE.

taylor is a human being.

WE NEED MORE HUMAN BEINGS IN THIS WORLD AND LESS GREED.

LESS CORRUPT LEADERS.

LESS CORRUPT SYSTEMS.

LESS PROPAGANDA.

LESS WARS.

LESS MURDERS.

LESS OPINIONS FROM THE UNINFORMED AND UNREAD.

FIGHT THE POWER.

FEEL THE LOVE.

DAD.

i take another sip of my coffee while murphy sleeps at my feet and my wife snores in the other bedroom.

it is 5:30am

needs.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

Rylee’s first day of the last year of high school. time flies by so quickly. she’s such a great kid with a great heart and a huge soul or a huge heart and a great soul. she is filled with love and compassion and empathy and loyalty and smarts and beauty. she is also very very very resilient.

I LOVE YOU RYLEE.

SEPTEMBER 24, 2005.

i hope this year brings lots of joy and happiness and success for Rylee.

SHE DESERVES IT.

murphy sitting beside me. i’m awake. didn’t wake up early enough to sit at starbucks and read. sit at starbucks and write. need to plan my sleep routine better. need to plan my life better.

needs.

needs.

needs.

a whole list of “need to’s”.

“GET IT TOGETHER SON!!!”

“NO DANGER. NO DANGER.”

a cluttered house and cluttered minds.

one day at a time.

one thing at a time.

one moment at a time.

one breath at a time.

BREATHE.

ALLOW.

ACCEPT.

ACCEPT.

ACCEPT.

no longer stress over the small stuff.

no longer stress over the big stuff.

NO STRESS.

NO MAS.

NO MONEY.

NO EXCITEMENT.

NO GUNS.

NO ARRESTS.

NO FUCKS.

NO RAPES.

NO MURDERS.

NO HATE.