Tag: love

CHOOSE YOUR POISON.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

a long weekend of drinking and fun times for my mom’s birthday. hopefully there are still many more left. she loves it when we all get along. she is a great woman. she’s had a tough life and i know that she has regrets (don’t we all) but she is a good person and a resilient one as well.

anyway, fun times but i am feeling the effects of three days of drinking.

tired.

groggy.

foggy.

sweaty.

clammy.

why do i do this to myself?

this week i will get back to my regular drinking habit of two glasses of wine at night before bed.

habits can be helpful or hurtful.

pick and choose.

CHOOSE YOUR POISON.

monday morning blues are upon me and i usually don’t get them anymore but i have to deal with one today. back to the grind of landscaping in the heat.

digging.

planting.

sweating.

STAY POSITIVE.

STAY POSITIVE.

STAY POSITIVE.

focus.

set goals.

what is my purpose?

execute my plan.

what is my plan?

nail down my plan.

nail down my plan and then execute that plan.

daily work.

daily habits.

daily rewards.

i want to go back to bed.

i am sooooooooooooo tired.

i miss taylor so much.

what a great human being.

her 19th birthday is fast approaching.

time needs to slow down.

i need to be more present.

i need to be healthier.

i need to exercise more.

i need to eat healthier.

needs and wants and everything in between.

my head hurts.

my heart is still.

my face is pulsating.

I AM REAL.

be me and be free.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

cloudy outside today.

murphy at the bottom of my feet.

sara sleeping beside me.

taylor sleeping downstairs.

i think i just heard squirrels or mice running across our roof. peaceful music playing. four days until taylor goes back to school. back to bc. back to her friends and her new life. she’s all grown up now. life moves quickly. thomas, nana’s dog is dying. he’s old. he was our first dog. we had to give him to nana when we moved into a condo downtown. life moves quickly.

i’m going to miss taylor when she goes back to school. she’s such a uniquely great human being. i hope she realizes how wonderful she is. she is such a gift to the world.

i often wonder if i realize my gifts to the world.

do any of us realize our gifts?

do we get “sucked into” the capitalistic way of living? a “GO. GO. GO” mentality of living. never slowing down. never smelling the roses. never enjoying the small moments that life has to offer.

my belly feels flabby.

my nose is stuffed.

my legs feel sore and weak.

the daily struggles of getting older.

but today is a new day.

i will bring love and laughter to life today.

i will choose.

i will open up my heart or i will continue to break down the walls that block my heart. there is a lovely small child in there waiting to jump out. waiting to love life. waiting to bring his unique talents and energies to the world. waiting to bring his laughter and joy. a child who yearns for love and laughter and just a bit of safety and a bit of security.

BRING LOVE.

BRING JOY.

BRING CURIOSITY.

BE ME.

BE FREE.

I LOVE MY FAMILY.

CONFUSCIOUS AND CRITICS.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

excited to be back at work. up at 3am. coffee. start at 4am. need money but need some structure. need connection. need human beings. my knee is getting better by the day as my bank account shrinks. i had to get back to work but i also wanted to get back to work.

i need to move.

i need people.

i need human connection.

i need money.

too many needs and not enough wants.

i want to run.

i want to play tennis.

i want to go on a trip.

i want to make another film.

i want to start a podcast.

i want to act more.

i want to publish a book.

i want to tell my story.

okay…i guess i do have a lot of wants.

i think i need to turn my wants into needs.

turn my wants into needs.

turn my wants into needs.

time is ticking.

TICK. TICK. TICK.

fan is blowing.

leafs are average.

movies are average.

why do we feel we need a star system in canada to make movies and get bums in the seats when there really aren’t any bums in the seats anymore?

WE ARE DUMB.

WE ARE STUCK.

WE ARE AFRAID.

WE ARE SHEEP.

WE ARE FOLLOWERS.

FUCK THE SYSTEM.

FUCK THE RULES.

FUCK THE CRITICS.

FUCK THE FOOLS.

CREATE AND ENJOY.

confuscious say, “…………….”

WHO THE FUCK WAS CONFUSCIOUS ANYWAY?

life and loss and wounded hearts.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

sitting still for three straight days after knee surgery. bored. jerked off. read. watched the godfather part one and two. a few conversations and a few chocolate almonds.

restless but have difficulty doing anything. little motivation. haven’t been outside in three days. don’t want to go back to my job but i need the money. no money to do anything fun but still need to work in order to make barely enough money to barely survive.

i wish i had family connections.

life would be easier.

i have B.O. because i haven’t showered in three days nor have i put deodorant on.

what do i want to do with my life?

what job can make me enough money to survive?

are other people bored?

have other people made poor decisions?

i want to see my family more often.

i want to know more about my family.

what do they love?

who do they love?

what do they fear?

what do they hate?

what do they want to do with their lives?

are they sad?

are they happy?

do they ever want to talk?

TRAUMA.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE SUFFERED FROM TRAUMA?

HOW HAS IT AFFECTED THEIR LIVES?

i keep smelling my underarms and they continue to stink.

why are there so many wars?

why do we kill so many innocent people?

why do we allow politicians to ruin the world?

being healthy is important.

what a dull town that i live in.

what a dull country that i live in.

when was the last time that i fucked someone other than my wife?

when was the last time that i fucked my wife?

URGENT.

URGENT.

URGENT.

MAKE LIFE URGENT.

breathe too.

allow and live.

surrender and love but understand that life is NOT forever.

START LIVING AGAIN.

my body is sore and, although he drives me crazy, i love my dog.

i want to open up more.

i want to love more.

i want to feel more.

GO.

GO.

GO.

we are taught to “GO. GO. GO.”

i say, “STOP!!!!!”

stop going and start being.

be love.

be kind.

be curious.

connect with people and connect with nature.

HUMAN CONNECTION + TRAUMA = SADNESS.

I LOVE YOU DADDY.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

taylor home. love her soooo much. she brings a big positive energy to our house. sarah is in a much better mood . murphy confused but excited. peace and quiet. hope. always hope for a better future.

calm beautiful music.

leaning into love.

preferring to connect than fight.

human connection and human curiosity much more important to me than fighting over politics and fighting over religion.

i prefer to find and see the good in people over the bad in people.

CURIOUS CHRISTY.

continue to be curious.

continue to love.

continue to listen.

everyone has a story.

we must listen to everyone.

i know longer want to fight.

i know longer want to compete.

i know longer want to compare.

i know longer want to prove.

happy belated chanukhha to all of my jewish friends.

keep breathing and keep playing.

keep searching and keep listening.

keep exploring and keep connected.

connected hearts and connected souls.

losing a loved one is soooooo painful.

life can be so painful. so harsh. so sad.

find as much joy as possible.

smile.

laugh.

love.

listen.

connect.

help.

hope.

hearts and souls.

lean into life.

lean into love.

lean into my curiosity of people.

listen to their stories.

listen to their lives.

listen for love and listen for human connection.

“christy, that’s a girl’s name.”

“well that’s my name and i love it.”

CURIOUS CHRISTY IS BACK.

christy has never left. he just got lost for a few decades but he is here NOW.

“I LOVE YOU CHRISTY.”

“I LOVE YOU DADDY.”