mirrors and mumbles.

monday morning after a weekend of nothingness. dog walks. gym. starbucks. walk at island lake and two days of heavy drinking.

my feet are still sore.

my knees are still sore.

my spirits are high but i’m wondering why.

i know that there is more to life but i haven’t found that yet. i am still searching and still not finding. the world is crumbling and no one seems to care. taylor swift is more important. kim kardashian is more important. suzanne sommers is more important. i try to help save the world but i have not figured out how to save myself. i used to wake up, hungover, in rundown houses on random streets or in random drunk tanks in random towns. now i wake up hungover in a boring house on a boring street in a boring town. the excitement is now gone.

i know more now but earn less.

i know myself more now but earn less.

i know what to do and where to do it and with whom to do it with but i sit alone. i sit alone. i sit alone.

thoughts of freedom

thoughts of hope.

thoughts of confusion.

stop the thoughts but…

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!

I NEED HELP!!!!!!

dark days and dark nights. the clock is ticking faster and faster and faster.

i see old sad faces with weak bones and weak souls.

i see old sad faces with sad eyes and sad souls.

old.

sad.

nervous.

angst ridden.

afraid.

worried.

they miss their husbands.

they miss their wives.

they just want love.

and they just want to begin again but it is too late.

look in the mirror.

man in the mirror.

mirror.

more access to info and less truths.

less truths and more fighting.

more fighting and less love.

love conquers all.

love will tear us apart.

the man who sold the world.

create chaos and create pain.

PASSION AND CHAOS.

FEAR.

the debates continue.

the wars continue.

the lack of solutions continue.

constant lies.

constant deception.

constant failures.

why do we have governments in place that never help?

never solve.

never think.

never give.

never succeed?

and what is succeeding as a government?

what is succeeding as a politician?

big paycheques and big handouts from lobbyists. such a good game. such a corrupt game. such a game of illusion.

WE STILL VOTE.

VOTE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

TRUMP.

FORD.

TRUDEAU.

POILLIEVRE.

BIDEN.

BUSH.

really?

these are the leaders of the free world?

is our world free?

free to speak our minds?

free to say and do what we want?

rules in place to keep the peasants down.

rules and media in place to look down on the poor and fear the poor at the same time.

fear the black man.

fear the terrorists.

fear gay people.

fear thy neighbour.

fear the cops.

fear the government.

fear the weather.

fear thy enemy.

fear being jailed.

pounding us into submission while they sip champagne and laugh at their dull jokes with their dull wives and dull suits.

such a sad and pathetic comedy show.

I WILL NEVER VOTE AGAIN.

LOUD AND PROUD.

i will find better ways to make our world a better place.

marriage is one big pile of shit.

who likes marriage?

who LOVES being married?

stuck with the same woman for your whole life.

stuck doing the same dull things.

stuck doing the same dull routines.

stuck following the same dull rules.

talking but nobody listening.

making money to spend the money on useless items.

useless clothes.

useless appliances.

useless garden mulch.

constant arguing.

constant bickering.

constant boredom.

constant stress.

constant tip-toeing around the house.

constantly on edge.

watching my every move and my every word for fear of judgement and fear of disrespect.

a house filled with childhood trauma.

childhood trauma equals shame and pain. anxiety and depression. pills.

childhood trauma equals shame and pain. anxiety and depression. pills.

childhood trauma equals shame and pain. anxiety and depression. pills.

LIFE SHOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER.

LIFE CAN BE SO MUCH BETTER.

MAKE LIFE BETTER.

DON’T SETTLE.

FUCK THE OPINIONS AND GET SHIT DONE.

MAKE SHIT HAPPEN.

CREATE SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

make things matter.

mind over matter.

LIVE LIFE.

dull and bored and rejected and lacking fun and lacking excitement.

lacking love.

lacking support.

MARRIAGE IS ONE BIG PILE OF SHIT.

why did i get married?

i should never have gotten married.

i don’t need anybody because nobody needs me.

DO ME.

BE ME.

BE FREE.

do not live for anyone else.

sad but that is my life.

LIFE IS SOOOOOOOOO DULL.

orangeville. WHY?????????????????????????

time to run.

old and invisible.

shitty sleep. angry and frustrated that, after working all day in the heat, i had to come home and cook dinner and walk murphy while taylor and sara went out to the keg. i didn’t care that they went out for dinner but they should have walked murphy. i brought it up to taylor and she had excuse after excuse and couldn’t just say, “i’m sorry.”

real communication and real connection is key.

vulnerability is key.

humanity is key.

i cannot win at home.

my fault for everything.

i am left alone to fend for myself. taylor and sara don’t see this. two against one. all the time it is two against one. only if i am in a calm, loveable, funny, and submissive mood are things good at home. i have to deal with messy clothes. messy kitchen. constant needless spending. needless take-out. constantly on phones and computers. bad shows. no conversation. no fun. no excitement.

LIVE LIFE TO IT’S FULLEST.

worked at york university yesterday and saw so many beautiful girls with hope and energy and fashion style. beauty is beautiful. inspiring. made me think of all my great times in college. such fun and excitement and hope and growth and learning.

can’t write right now. mind too busy. tired. sitting in a parking lot of a strip plaza. bad sleep. awake. asleep. awake. asleep. awake. asleep. time to go to my shitty job. busting my balls all day with guys that talk about nothing interesting. long drives. lots of traffic. lots of trucks. lots of accidents. lots of sitting. lots of waiting.

covid test for background work on a film. shitty film I am sure.

work at york university.

lots of beautiful girls but i am too old and too dirty for them to even notice me.

i am a construction worker on the outside but on the inside i am an artist. a lost artist.

DO ME.

WHO AM I?

WHAT DO I LOVE TO DO?

WHY?

LIFE 101.

another beautiful grey day outside. cool. damp. windy. head still foggy even though i drank less last night and went to bed early.

sitting on a patio in a plaza. body tingling. back to school tomorrow. Rylee’s last year of high school. she’s such a great kid. she’s overcome many obstacles and encountered many buffoons. but she is resilient. her parents (us) always in a state of mental health issues. nicole letting me “in” yesterday. vulnerable. open. honest. love. that’s all i ever ask for. openness. honesty. vulnerability. who gives a flying fuck about big houses and big cars? i just want a life filled with great communication and great wine. great love. great talks. life can be so beautiful if we would only just get out of our own way.

so much beauty in the world.

so much joy.

so much pain.

so much love.

so much phoniness.

so much inspiration.

connect with joyful people.

connect with authentic people.

connect with inspirational people.

STAY AWAY FROM PHONIES.

back sore. must have tweaked it running. too much weight equals sore knees and sore back. i’m always torn between letting go and FUCKING EVERYTHING and focusing with complete discipline and complete health. healthy eating. healthy sleeping. healthy drinking. healthy exercise.

the problem with mental health is that when you are aware of your mental health issues and mired in “fixing yourself” there is NEVER an end game. books after books. psychotherapists after psychotherapists. yoga. meditation. daily affirmations. daily tea.

so much time is fixated on fixing yourself that you never have time to live your life. never relax. never fully “let go” and be free and say “FUCK IT. LET’S GO!!!”

stuck in people pleasing. stuck in worrying about what other’s think. stuck in past failures. past abuses. past scrapes. past bruises. past. STUCK IN THE PAST.

why do we get STUCK in the negatives of the past instead of the positives?

LIFE 101.