cluttered and bald.

long week.

long drives.

long hours.

long bouts of coughing.

long hair.

long lost moments and long lost dreams.

57 and counting.

the counting is mounting and mounting and counting quicker than ever.

less than ten years until i am supposed to retire but i haven’t even found a job yet. i watch young people choosing careers. choosing paths. choosing boyfriends. choosing girlfriends. choosing where to live. choosing what to drink. choosing their friends and chasing their hairstyles.

I AM BALD WITH NO JOB.

NO HOUSE.

NO LIFE.

NO OPTIONS.

NO HOPE.

“no means no until it means yes.”

then no means yes.

less is more. but more is also more.

only the good die young but also the good die old.

drinking kills but drink one, two, and, sometimes, even three glasses of red wine a day and that is good for you.

cluttered homes.

cluttered minds.

cluttered streets.

cluttered dreams.

cluttered grocery stores.

cluttered parking lots.

cluttered roads.

the streets of philadelphia with it’s cluttered souls.

what to do?

where to do it?

how to do it?

what?

when?

why?

who?

how?

life with all of it’s little sayings and little people.

little penises and little minds.

little hearts and little souls.

corporations running and ruining the world.

greed and fake news.

fake politicians and fake screws.

rules.

rules.

rules.

DON’T FOLLOW THE RULES.

FOLLOWING THE RULES WILL GET YOU NOWHERE.

YOU WILL BE SHINING SHOES OF FAKE SHINING STARS.

WANNABE STARS SITTING IN FAKE BARS WITH NO SCARS AND DRIVING FAKE PLASTIC CARS.

MARS.

SARS.

PARS.

TARS.

JARS.

STARS.

DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE AND ALWAYS RESPECT YOUR ELDERS EVEN IF THEY ARE LYING, CONNIVING, DRUNK, RAGING, SLEAZY, AND DUMB.

THE RULES OF LIFE.

FUCK THEM.

we are family.

taylor’s birthday. she’s 17. time flies. not enough time spent with her. not enough love. not enough talks. not enough “daddy/daughter dates.” i have had 17 years to connect with her and, yet, i still do not do it. when will i connect? connect and love and converse and play and guide and comfort and listen.

daddy and daughter.

happy birthday taylor.

long week of work.

long drives.

lonely drives.

dull drives.

too many hours spent on my ass and not enough hours spent creating.

sara always mad no matter what i do.

no matter where i work.

not offering solutions just sitting in “poor me” behaviour and blame. trying to shame.

no empathy.

no solutions.

STUCK.

STUCK IN BOREDOM.

STUCK IN SAFETY.

NO FRIENDS.

NO ENEMIES.

NO LIFE.

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES.

that’s the saying. i remember it now.

slow down and feel.

or speed up and do.

meditate.

music.

shake it up and then…

WRITE.

WRITE.

CREATE.

FEEL.

VULNERABILITY.

DO NOT LET THE BOREDOM DRAG ME DOWN.

observer of human behaviour.

need a shit.

always need a shit.

murphy and taylor and sara and me.

we are family.

9 TO 5.

life never stopping. it doesn’t care if you’re sick or tired or sick and tired. it will leave you behind. it will leave you in it’s tracks. it will anger you. it will frustrate you. it will bring joy and also bring deep shame. immense pain and rain. but it doesn’t stop for anyone or anything.

i have a stuffy nose. i don’t want to get sick. i don’t want to have a cold. i hate being slowed down. i don’t want to stop.

“slow down and smell the roses.”

“stop and smell the roses.”

i never get the saying right.

WRITE.

RIGHT.

“RIGHT ON BOYS!!!!”

stupid sayings.

stupid people.

two weeks without exercise and my belly is growing.

9 to 5 life is NOT for me.

there must be a better way.

THE BETTER WAY IS NEVER THE BETTER WAY.

great marketing by people and companies with deep pockets. lots of money to spend. lots of people to come up with ideas and plans to fool the average man. the average woman. corporate lies. corporations. non profits.

scams.

scams.

scams.

and the rich and powerful keep getting richer.

keep staying powerful.

maybe i have allergies. i’ll take some tylenol. drink another coffee. pho for lunch? meet kevin. visit my mom. eyes are tired. sara snoring. taylor’s birthday on saturday. get a card. go out for dinner. new phone. murphy sleeping beside me. everyone’s tired. this could be the end of the 9 to 5 era for me. it’s dull. it’s painful. it’s tiring. it’s draining. it’s uninspiring. it’s low paying (for me). it’s taxing. it’s boring. it’s frustrating. it’s…

IT IS NOT ME!!!

I AM REAL.

I AM RESTLESS.

RESTLESS AND REAl.

NOT DULL AND PHONY.

FUCK/LOVE EVERYONE.

whining and shitting.

planned for a great sleep after another long day at work. long drive. long hours. long time to get stuff set up. windy outside. cool temps. planned for a great sleep. one beer. one glass of wine. anxiety meds. sleeping pills. reading. turned off the lights at 11:30pm. Sara snoring. Taylor downstairs sick. stuffy nose. coughing. lights go off. podcast on. some shitty podcast about making your art no matter what. too much woke culture talk. FUCK OFF!!!

fall asleep. then whining. murphy needs to go out for a shit. he has the runs. wait for him to come back in. go back up to bed. fall fast asleep and then murphy starts whining again. he needs to go back outside for a shit. he has the runs. we go back downstairs. i let him out and wait. he comes back in and we go back up. sara still snoring. somehow someway i fall back asleep again and then murphy whines again. wake up. go downstairs. open the door. wait for murphy to take a shit. he has the runs. wait. he comes back in. we go back up. windows open. cars starting. trucks moving. morning fast approaching. the dull and dumb commuters starting. 6am hits and my alarm goes off. murphy sound asleep. sara still snoring. taylor downstairs sick but sleeping. me awake. tired. frustrated. lost. confused. COFFEE TIME. OLD ESPRESSO MACHINE BACK. it was broken and, hopefully, now it’s not. everyone sleeping. me drinking coffee. no oat milk so it’s not the best. me writing. sara snoring. murphy sleeping. taylor downstairs sick, but, hopefully, sleeping. TIRED.

TIRED.

FRUSTRATED.

LOST.

STUCK.

my friend, joe, died yesterday. liver and kidney failure. too much booze. too lonely. no support. no purpose. what happened to him? did he not have anyone around to help him get back on track?

no friends?

no family?

no support?

no purpose?

SAD.

THE END.

LIFE JUST KEEPS ON MOVING.

TAKE CONTROL BUT HOW?

WHAT?

WHERE?

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?

drug dealers and hoes.

great sleep. long drive to work. great day in a sleazy city that is home to many drunks. many skunks. many crackheads. whores. pimps. drug dealers and hoes. no beaches. no toes. moes. slows. throws. rows. toes. toes. already said toes. BOZ. BOZ. BOZOS AND HOPES. HOPS? hoppy beer and sweaty balls. great work day or am i fooling myself? nails too long. stomach grumbling. wife snoring. always snoring. always grumbling. unhappy but refuses to admit it. am i unhappy too? how to thrive in a shitty town? dull. boring. far away. far away from excitement. far away from life. life and death and then we die. some die young and alive. many die old and dead. deadly living and living deadly. dull. dopey. monotonous. slow. lacking uniqueness. lacking heart. lacking soul.

FUCK THEM.

never believe the hype. the loud ones are always the dull ones. the wrong people have reality shows. dull lives that they feel are exciting. useless and hairy. harry carey. carey hewson. carson fife. steve vine. vino. red over white but i’ll drink anything. drinking is more exciting than NOT drinking. drinking and driving. driving and blowing. blowing and falling. falling down drunk and alone. alone and desperate. desperate and alone. sad. rundown buildings in exciting rundown cities. rich cities with dull people. fake. fake suits. fake cars. fake money. fake lives. twenty minutes until take off. i almost felt like driving my car off the road today. drive my car into a ditch and see what happens.

NO WAY OUT!!!

who likes this town?

NICE?

DULL?

SHIT?

BORING?

free coffee.

starbucks always hire cute girls.

friendly.

alive.

bubbly.

not dead.

ALIVE AND KICKING.