second day of no alcohol. woke up without guilt. woke up without shame. woke up clear and more confident. cutting out weekday drinking will be a challenge but a much needed challenge for my health and well-being.
yesterday i worked construction and it was a beautiful day. an easy day of putting big grey bricks around a big large pool. we used a vacuum gadget to lift the 200lb bricks and place them in their proper place. we also used an excavator to lift the vacuum with the bricks and place them in place. there was no physical strength needed. a little mental strength but not much. one guy was driving the excavator and myself and another worker would help guide the machine with the bricks into place. the vacuum wasn’t working great and we dropped a few bricks. not sure if it was human error or the vacuum malfunctioning but i could tell the guys were getting frustrated. i know little about this type of gadget but i felt judgement from the others. i accepted my feelings and kept breathing. rob showed up (the boss and my best friend) and he didn’t seem happy. he, usually, comes over and jokes around or even yells and screams but today he was quiet. i felt judgement, once again, but, once again, i practiced deep breathing and the feelings of inadequacy dissipated. the workday ended with a few more broken bricks also lots of successful bricks and we, seemingly, made good progress.
i felt good driving home. still no money and still no major life plan but small steps to getting healthier.
today i shoot a small scene for a big tv show. i have to leave soon. after booking the show i, instantly, had lost of anxieties and fear but now that the day has arrived i fell less anxious and less fearful. still not excited but that just confirms my belief that i have lost my passion for acting and the biz.
breathe.
acceptance.
one day at a time.
small steps.
letting go of perfection.
notanotherphony. 