old and invisible.

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shitty sleep. angry and frustrated that, after working all day in the heat, i had to come home and cook dinner and walk murphy while taylor and sara went out to the keg. i didn’t care that they went out for dinner but they should have walked murphy. i brought it up to taylor and she had excuse after excuse and couldn’t just say, “i’m sorry.”

real communication and real connection is key.

vulnerability is key.

humanity is key.

i cannot win at home.

my fault for everything.

i am left alone to fend for myself. taylor and sara don’t see this. two against one. all the time it is two against one. only if i am in a calm, loveable, funny, and submissive mood are things good at home. i have to deal with messy clothes. messy kitchen. constant needless spending. needless take-out. constantly on phones and computers. bad shows. no conversation. no fun. no excitement.

LIVE LIFE TO IT’S FULLEST.

worked at york university yesterday and saw so many beautiful girls with hope and energy and fashion style. beauty is beautiful. inspiring. made me think of all my great times in college. such fun and excitement and hope and growth and learning.

can’t write right now. mind too busy. tired. sitting in a parking lot of a strip plaza. bad sleep. awake. asleep. awake. asleep. awake. asleep. time to go to my shitty job. busting my balls all day with guys that talk about nothing interesting. long drives. lots of traffic. lots of trucks. lots of accidents. lots of sitting. lots of waiting.

covid test for background work on a film. shitty film I am sure.

work at york university.

lots of beautiful girls but i am too old and too dirty for them to even notice me.

i am a construction worker on the outside but on the inside i am an artist. a lost artist.

DO ME.

WHO AM I?

WHAT DO I LOVE TO DO?

WHY?

needs.

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Rylee’s first day of the last year of high school. time flies by so quickly. she’s such a great kid with a great heart and a huge soul or a huge heart and a great soul. she is filled with love and compassion and empathy and loyalty and smarts and beauty. she is also very very very resilient.

I LOVE YOU RYLEE.

SEPTEMBER 24, 2005.

i hope this year brings lots of joy and happiness and success for Rylee.

SHE DESERVES IT.

murphy sitting beside me. i’m awake. didn’t wake up early enough to sit at starbucks and read. sit at starbucks and write. need to plan my sleep routine better. need to plan my life better.

needs.

needs.

needs.

a whole list of “need to’s”.

“GET IT TOGETHER SON!!!”

“NO DANGER. NO DANGER.”

a cluttered house and cluttered minds.

one day at a time.

one thing at a time.

one moment at a time.

one breath at a time.

BREATHE.

ALLOW.

ACCEPT.

ACCEPT.

ACCEPT.

no longer stress over the small stuff.

no longer stress over the big stuff.

NO STRESS.

NO MAS.

NO MONEY.

NO EXCITEMENT.

NO GUNS.

NO ARRESTS.

NO FUCKS.

NO RAPES.

NO MURDERS.

NO HATE.

LIFE 101.

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another beautiful grey day outside. cool. damp. windy. head still foggy even though i drank less last night and went to bed early.

sitting on a patio in a plaza. body tingling. back to school tomorrow. Rylee’s last year of high school. she’s such a great kid. she’s overcome many obstacles and encountered many buffoons. but she is resilient. her parents (us) always in a state of mental health issues. nicole letting me “in” yesterday. vulnerable. open. honest. love. that’s all i ever ask for. openness. honesty. vulnerability. who gives a flying fuck about big houses and big cars? i just want a life filled with great communication and great wine. great love. great talks. life can be so beautiful if we would only just get out of our own way.

so much beauty in the world.

so much joy.

so much pain.

so much love.

so much phoniness.

so much inspiration.

connect with joyful people.

connect with authentic people.

connect with inspirational people.

STAY AWAY FROM PHONIES.

back sore. must have tweaked it running. too much weight equals sore knees and sore back. i’m always torn between letting go and FUCKING EVERYTHING and focusing with complete discipline and complete health. healthy eating. healthy sleeping. healthy drinking. healthy exercise.

the problem with mental health is that when you are aware of your mental health issues and mired in “fixing yourself” there is NEVER an end game. books after books. psychotherapists after psychotherapists. yoga. meditation. daily affirmations. daily tea.

so much time is fixated on fixing yourself that you never have time to live your life. never relax. never fully “let go” and be free and say “FUCK IT. LET’S GO!!!”

stuck in people pleasing. stuck in worrying about what other’s think. stuck in past failures. past abuses. past scrapes. past bruises. past. STUCK IN THE PAST.

why do we get STUCK in the negatives of the past instead of the positives?

LIFE 101.

ZERO.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

cold. dreary. cloudy. perfect day. letting out stinky farts. purple tongue. cute girls at starbucks. always cute girls at starbucks. need a shit. too much wine AGAIN. too much food. too much wine and too much food leads to foggy mornings and less drive. less fire. less purpose.

crazy dreams for the last three nights. flabby belly. crazy dreams. i had a dream last night that i was fucking some random woman in some random skateboard shop. we were fucking while the employees watched.

“I KNEW YOU WERE BALD. THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS WHERE THAT HAT,” the fat old woman said to me.

i am getting old.

i am getting bored.

does life start taking a turn for the worse soon?

getting old is tough. trying to hang onto relevance. trying to hang onto HOPE.

getting older.

daughter is growing up way too fast. she is leaving soon to explore her life. where have all the years gone? living too much in the present and with zero planning for the future.

zero planning.

zero future?

zero money.

zero job.

zero confidence.

zero houses.

zero trips.

zero fucks.

zero parties.

ZERO.

ZERO.

ZERO.

i love the excitement of youth.

youthful girls.

youthful boys.

a whole life ahead of them.

planning where to go to school.

planning their careers.

planning life.

city living?

country living?

canada?

west coast?

east coast?

europe?

us?

planning.

I NEED TO MAKE A PLAN AND STICK TO IT.

I HAVE, STILL, YET TO SET A SINGLE GOAL.

this is why i sit alone on a shitty patio in a shitty parking lot in a shitty town.

i crave chaos.

i crave excitement.

i crave interesting talks with interesting people.

WHAT BROUGHT ME HERE?

WHY AM I HERE?

HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?

SET A FUCKING GOAL!!!

DO IT.

DO IT.

DO IT.

february 17, 1978.

september 24, 2005.

real people.

real stories.

real emotion.

everything is endless until one day it is not.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

great sleep but woke up tired. stuffed up and with a foggy mind.

“pills. are you helping at all?”

quick coffee then off to the dentist. when i was younger i was terrified of the dentist. dr. bellman and his loud drill would give me nightmares. afraid. scared. fearful. now i enjoy going. new dentist with new hygienists. cute even behind their covid masks. getting horny as the young girl sticks her fingers in my mouth. does anyone else get the same feeling? everywhere i go i get turned on by women. dirty thoughts but never acting on those thoughts. i was once single, free, alive, and horny. now i am old, married, bored, living in a dull town and, yet, I AM STILL HORNY.

i feel sick.

i feel horny.

why do girls treat each other so poorly? so “catty”. so insecure. trying desperately to meet guys. impress guys. desperately trying at the expense of their friendships and living on edge and in fear. i have never played that game. i have never put women on pedestals. some are great. many are great for fucking. fucking and sucking and partying and more fucking and more sucking. most guys are dull. most guys are chasing women and chasing money while pumping iron and pumping their weak ego’s. such peasants. such bores. where are the exciting people? where are the real writers? where are the real artists? where are the real musicians? where are the real shit disturbers?

still feel like shit. still…still. be still.

observe.

listen.

allow.

accept.

ACCEPT ME AND BE FREE.

free heart. free soul.

remind me, again, why we are living in a dull town when there are endless possibilities out in the world?

endless possibilities.

endless beauty.

orangeville? really?

WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?