Tag: life

how sick is war?

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

10 hours of sleep.

feeling sick.

stuffy nose.

sore throat.

low energy.

no energy.

up at 5am. went to bed at 7pm.

so tired.

so bored.

so depressed.

so stuck.

so lost.

i could sleep all day again today but i have to work.

need money.

need to pay rent.

need to pay for food.

need to pay bills.

NEED TO LIVE THE AMERICAN DREAM WHILE LIVING IN ORANGEVILLE, ONTARIO, CANADA.

soooooooooooooooo tired.

it’s hard to write with so little energy. i keep falling asleep. keep pushing. keep pushing through.

great dreams last night but, as always, they are all forgotten. maybe it was about war???

HOW SICK IS WAR???

HOW SICK ARE THE PEOPLE WHO DECIDE THAT WAR IS OUR ONLY ANSWER?

WAR SOLVES NOTHING.

big egos.

falling asleep again.

SHIT.

HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH WORK TODAY?

meds.

meds.

meds.

and more meds!!!

lots of fluids.

lots of meds.

lots of perseverance.

lots of distractions.

lots of persistence.

lots of hope.

LOST HOPE.

lost fires.

lost loves.

lost wives.

lost an loaded.

always lost and loaded.

marriage is one big pile of shit.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

who likes marriage?

who LOVES being married?

stuck with the same woman for your whole life.

stuck doing the same dull things.

stuck doing the same dull routines.

stuck following the same dull rules.

talking but nobody listening.

making money to spend the money on useless items.

useless clothes.

useless appliances.

useless garden mulch.

constant arguing.

constant bickering.

constant boredom.

constant stress.

constant tip-toeing around the house.

constantly on edge.

watching my every move and my every word for fear of judgement and fear of disrespect.

a house filled with childhood trauma.

childhood trauma equals shame and pain. anxiety and depression. pills.

childhood trauma equals shame and pain. anxiety and depression. pills.

childhood trauma equals shame and pain. anxiety and depression. pills.

LIFE SHOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER.

LIFE CAN BE SO MUCH BETTER.

MAKE LIFE BETTER.

DON’T SETTLE.

FUCK THE OPINIONS AND GET SHIT DONE.

MAKE SHIT HAPPEN.

CREATE SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

make things matter.

mind over matter.

LIVE LIFE.

dull and bored and rejected and lacking fun and lacking excitement.

lacking love.

lacking support.

MARRIAGE IS ONE BIG PILE OF SHIT.

why did i get married?

i should never have gotten married.

i don’t need anybody because nobody needs me.

DO ME.

BE ME.

BE FREE.

do not live for anyone else.

sad but that is my life.

LIFE IS SOOOOOOOOO DULL.

orangeville. WHY?????????????????????????

time to run.

needs.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

Rylee’s first day of the last year of high school. time flies by so quickly. she’s such a great kid with a great heart and a huge soul or a huge heart and a great soul. she is filled with love and compassion and empathy and loyalty and smarts and beauty. she is also very very very resilient.

I LOVE YOU RYLEE.

SEPTEMBER 24, 2005.

i hope this year brings lots of joy and happiness and success for Rylee.

SHE DESERVES IT.

murphy sitting beside me. i’m awake. didn’t wake up early enough to sit at starbucks and read. sit at starbucks and write. need to plan my sleep routine better. need to plan my life better.

needs.

needs.

needs.

a whole list of “need to’s”.

“GET IT TOGETHER SON!!!”

“NO DANGER. NO DANGER.”

a cluttered house and cluttered minds.

one day at a time.

one thing at a time.

one moment at a time.

one breath at a time.

BREATHE.

ALLOW.

ACCEPT.

ACCEPT.

ACCEPT.

no longer stress over the small stuff.

no longer stress over the big stuff.

NO STRESS.

NO MAS.

NO MONEY.

NO EXCITEMENT.

NO GUNS.

NO ARRESTS.

NO FUCKS.

NO RAPES.

NO MURDERS.

NO HATE.

LIFE 101.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

another beautiful grey day outside. cool. damp. windy. head still foggy even though i drank less last night and went to bed early.

sitting on a patio in a plaza. body tingling. back to school tomorrow. Rylee’s last year of high school. she’s such a great kid. she’s overcome many obstacles and encountered many buffoons. but she is resilient. her parents (us) always in a state of mental health issues. nicole letting me “in” yesterday. vulnerable. open. honest. love. that’s all i ever ask for. openness. honesty. vulnerability. who gives a flying fuck about big houses and big cars? i just want a life filled with great communication and great wine. great love. great talks. life can be so beautiful if we would only just get out of our own way.

so much beauty in the world.

so much joy.

so much pain.

so much love.

so much phoniness.

so much inspiration.

connect with joyful people.

connect with authentic people.

connect with inspirational people.

STAY AWAY FROM PHONIES.

back sore. must have tweaked it running. too much weight equals sore knees and sore back. i’m always torn between letting go and FUCKING EVERYTHING and focusing with complete discipline and complete health. healthy eating. healthy sleeping. healthy drinking. healthy exercise.

the problem with mental health is that when you are aware of your mental health issues and mired in “fixing yourself” there is NEVER an end game. books after books. psychotherapists after psychotherapists. yoga. meditation. daily affirmations. daily tea.

so much time is fixated on fixing yourself that you never have time to live your life. never relax. never fully “let go” and be free and say “FUCK IT. LET’S GO!!!”

stuck in people pleasing. stuck in worrying about what other’s think. stuck in past failures. past abuses. past scrapes. past bruises. past. STUCK IN THE PAST.

why do we get STUCK in the negatives of the past instead of the positives?

LIFE 101.

ZERO.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

cold. dreary. cloudy. perfect day. letting out stinky farts. purple tongue. cute girls at starbucks. always cute girls at starbucks. need a shit. too much wine AGAIN. too much food. too much wine and too much food leads to foggy mornings and less drive. less fire. less purpose.

crazy dreams for the last three nights. flabby belly. crazy dreams. i had a dream last night that i was fucking some random woman in some random skateboard shop. we were fucking while the employees watched.

“I KNEW YOU WERE BALD. THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS WHERE THAT HAT,” the fat old woman said to me.

i am getting old.

i am getting bored.

does life start taking a turn for the worse soon?

getting old is tough. trying to hang onto relevance. trying to hang onto HOPE.

getting older.

daughter is growing up way too fast. she is leaving soon to explore her life. where have all the years gone? living too much in the present and with zero planning for the future.

zero planning.

zero future?

zero money.

zero job.

zero confidence.

zero houses.

zero trips.

zero fucks.

zero parties.

ZERO.

ZERO.

ZERO.

i love the excitement of youth.

youthful girls.

youthful boys.

a whole life ahead of them.

planning where to go to school.

planning their careers.

planning life.

city living?

country living?

canada?

west coast?

east coast?

europe?

us?

planning.

I NEED TO MAKE A PLAN AND STICK TO IT.

I HAVE, STILL, YET TO SET A SINGLE GOAL.

this is why i sit alone on a shitty patio in a shitty parking lot in a shitty town.

i crave chaos.

i crave excitement.

i crave interesting talks with interesting people.

WHAT BROUGHT ME HERE?

WHY AM I HERE?

HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?

SET A FUCKING GOAL!!!

DO IT.

DO IT.

DO IT.

february 17, 1978.

september 24, 2005.

real people.

real stories.

real emotion.