be me and be free.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

cloudy outside today.

murphy at the bottom of my feet.

sara sleeping beside me.

taylor sleeping downstairs.

i think i just heard squirrels or mice running across our roof. peaceful music playing. four days until taylor goes back to school. back to bc. back to her friends and her new life. she’s all grown up now. life moves quickly. thomas, nana’s dog is dying. he’s old. he was our first dog. we had to give him to nana when we moved into a condo downtown. life moves quickly.

i’m going to miss taylor when she goes back to school. she’s such a uniquely great human being. i hope she realizes how wonderful she is. she is such a gift to the world.

i often wonder if i realize my gifts to the world.

do any of us realize our gifts?

do we get “sucked into” the capitalistic way of living? a “GO. GO. GO” mentality of living. never slowing down. never smelling the roses. never enjoying the small moments that life has to offer.

my belly feels flabby.

my nose is stuffed.

my legs feel sore and weak.

the daily struggles of getting older.

but today is a new day.

i will bring love and laughter to life today.

i will choose.

i will open up my heart or i will continue to break down the walls that block my heart. there is a lovely small child in there waiting to jump out. waiting to love life. waiting to bring his unique talents and energies to the world. waiting to bring his laughter and joy. a child who yearns for love and laughter and just a bit of safety and a bit of security.

BRING LOVE.

BRING JOY.

BRING CURIOSITY.

BE ME.

BE FREE.

I LOVE MY FAMILY.

old?

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

fifty seven years old and still searching for a job.

still searching for money.

still searching for the right meds.

still searching for the right doctors.

still searching for joy.

still searching for clarity.

still searching for a purpose.

yesterday my adhd meds were too strong. making me too edgy. too dizzy. too fuzzy. too foggy.

today i decided to not take the meds and i feel much more clear. much more calm. much more hopeful.

it seems like my days go by quickly and i am never clear on a path. i jump from one idea to the next and then when that idea is almost complete i jump to a brand new one. i am never settled. always anxious. always searching.

what do i even want?

what do i even like?

have i lost my mind?

have i lost my way?

i am tired but i shouldn’t be tired.

bored perhaps?

boredom can look like tiredness. i feel like taking a nap. SHIT. i have a whole day to sort out my life and i am falling asleep.

MAYBE I AM JUST PLAIN OLD.

my knee is still swollen. still sore.

i lack energy at the moment.

i lack joy.

i lack fun.

i lack excitement.

i lack passion.

i lack purpose.

i need to shake this feeling.

i want to shake this feeling.

i fall asleep after each sentence.

SICK?

SICK?

SICK?

i always feel sick but maybe i’m just old.

CONFUSCIOUS AND CRITICS.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

excited to be back at work. up at 3am. coffee. start at 4am. need money but need some structure. need connection. need human beings. my knee is getting better by the day as my bank account shrinks. i had to get back to work but i also wanted to get back to work.

i need to move.

i need people.

i need human connection.

i need money.

too many needs and not enough wants.

i want to run.

i want to play tennis.

i want to go on a trip.

i want to make another film.

i want to start a podcast.

i want to act more.

i want to publish a book.

i want to tell my story.

okay…i guess i do have a lot of wants.

i think i need to turn my wants into needs.

turn my wants into needs.

turn my wants into needs.

time is ticking.

TICK. TICK. TICK.

fan is blowing.

leafs are average.

movies are average.

why do we feel we need a star system in canada to make movies and get bums in the seats when there really aren’t any bums in the seats anymore?

WE ARE DUMB.

WE ARE STUCK.

WE ARE AFRAID.

WE ARE SHEEP.

WE ARE FOLLOWERS.

FUCK THE SYSTEM.

FUCK THE RULES.

FUCK THE CRITICS.

FUCK THE FOOLS.

CREATE AND ENJOY.

confuscious say, “…………….”

WHO THE FUCK WAS CONFUSCIOUS ANYWAY?

DRUGS.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

coughing.

coughing.

coughing.

my cough leaves for a few days and then it returns with a bang.

it is dull and gloomy outside and my nose is itchy.

my house is cold and my tired dog lays beside me.

novels and self help books are scattered on the floor beside my bed and i have started a new adhd medication (again).

there are those who think adhd is “made up” or a fabricated illness. i beg to differ.

at night i conjure up all kinds of brilliant ways to improve my lot in life. all kinds of ways to improve the world. all kinds of ways to save the world. in the morning i wake up tired and my mind is restless. i decide that cleaning the house and doing the dishes is more important than saving my family. saving myself. saving the world. the cycle will continue tonight. i make daily lists. i write out daily goals. i have daily spurts of creativity and then BOOM. I accomplish nothing.

in fact there wasn’t even a BOOM.

only a quiet murmur.

my head is now foggy.

is that the result of the new meds?

side effects already?

i need to go to the gym.

my belly has become fat due to my damaged knee.

damaged knee.

hacking cough.

dizzy mind.

too much coffee and not enough human interaction.

donald trump was the president of the united states. he can’t spell and has little heart and zero soul. he is soon to be president again. he is also a criminal.

rob ford was the leader of our city. he was overweight. drugged out. dumb. sloppy and immoral. he was also a criminal.

trudeau.

biden.

doug ford.

pierre poillievre.

netanyahu.

on and on the list goes. the list grows.

criminals leading our world.

terrible leaders.

terrible people.

terrible hearts.

zero souls.

miniature sized brains.

old.

lazy.

sloppy.

OVERWEIGHT PIGS.

these are the people who we vote in to lead us.

where are they leading us to?

i am now tired.

DRUGS.

DRUGS.

DRUGS.

SENSELESS.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

genocide in gaza.

senseless killings.

senseless wars.

senseless leaders.

senseless propaganda.

you say anything against israel and you are labelled an anti-semite.

you say anything against black people and you are labelled racist.

you say anything against women and you are labelled mysoginistic.

propaganda machines working overtime in the us and israel. more propaganda here than in russia.

sickening greed.

sickening leaders.

sickening people.

smart, passionate, intellectual professors from israel telling us that the idf are committing atrocities and horrific acts of genocide on the palestinian people in gaza and they are labelled crazy and anti-semitic.

PROPAGANDA.

PROPAGANDA.

PROPAGANDA.

we are sheep being lead by heartless farmers.

SICK DEMENTED LEADERS LEADING SICK DEMENTED PEOPLE.

LEARN THE TRUTH BUT THE TRUTH DOESN’T WANT TO BE LEARNED.

the holocaust was horrific but that happened eighty years ago.

MOVE ON BUT DO NOT FORGET.

there have been many other genocides against helpless people since then. nobody talks about the other ones. they are all alone in their fight.

MEDIA DRIVEN AGENDA’S AND PROPAGANDA.

I HATE LIES.

I HATE PHONINESS.

I HATE OUR LEADERS.

i just had knee surgery and can’t work for four to six weeks.

I AM BROKE. HELP!!!???