born again and again and again.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

in bed at 9pm. tired. groggy. bored. semi drunk. up at 5am. stuffy nose. sore knee. sore shoulders. restless.

drink a coffee and think.

drink a coffee and write.

drink a coffee and feel.

where did my life go wrong?

can i fix the mistakes of the past?

is it too late to, actually, make more money and enjoy life?

is life this difficult for others?

is there anyone out there who can, legitimately, help?

is life all about money?

the world has so much money and, yet, so many people live in poverty. why?

bad television (fake).

bad movies (fake).

bad books (fake).

bad take-out food (fake).

cheap cars (plastic).

cheap cigars (colts).

cheap wine (jackson triggs).

our society in north america is filled with fake, cheap, gimmicky, non-needed items.

social media influencers? really? is that a thing? who follows these fakes?

how to get back to authentic living?

authentic food.

authentic friends.

authentic coffee.

authentic wine.

authentic films.

authentic stories.

more silence and less noise.

honking cars.

loud engines.

loud sirens.

loud people.

loud fireworks.

loud lawn mowers.

loud motorbikes.

loud brats.

loud snowmobiles.

loud trucks.

this i need to avoid.

how to avoid our societies downfalls and distractions and live a peaceful and engaging life?

the beginning of my new life (once again) has started.

life and loss and wounded hearts.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

sitting still for three straight days after knee surgery. bored. jerked off. read. watched the godfather part one and two. a few conversations and a few chocolate almonds.

restless but have difficulty doing anything. little motivation. haven’t been outside in three days. don’t want to go back to my job but i need the money. no money to do anything fun but still need to work in order to make barely enough money to barely survive.

i wish i had family connections.

life would be easier.

i have B.O. because i haven’t showered in three days nor have i put deodorant on.

what do i want to do with my life?

what job can make me enough money to survive?

are other people bored?

have other people made poor decisions?

i want to see my family more often.

i want to know more about my family.

what do they love?

who do they love?

what do they fear?

what do they hate?

what do they want to do with their lives?

are they sad?

are they happy?

do they ever want to talk?

TRAUMA.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE SUFFERED FROM TRAUMA?

HOW HAS IT AFFECTED THEIR LIVES?

i keep smelling my underarms and they continue to stink.

why are there so many wars?

why do we kill so many innocent people?

why do we allow politicians to ruin the world?

being healthy is important.

what a dull town that i live in.

what a dull country that i live in.

when was the last time that i fucked someone other than my wife?

when was the last time that i fucked my wife?

URGENT.

URGENT.

URGENT.

MAKE LIFE URGENT.

breathe too.

allow and live.

surrender and love but understand that life is NOT forever.

START LIVING AGAIN.

my body is sore and, although he drives me crazy, i love my dog.

i want to open up more.

i want to love more.

i want to feel more.

GO.

GO.

GO.

we are taught to “GO. GO. GO.”

i say, “STOP!!!!!”

stop going and start being.

be love.

be kind.

be curious.

connect with people and connect with nature.

HUMAN CONNECTION + TRAUMA = SADNESS.

I LOVE YOU DADDY.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

taylor home. love her soooo much. she brings a big positive energy to our house. sarah is in a much better mood . murphy confused but excited. peace and quiet. hope. always hope for a better future.

calm beautiful music.

leaning into love.

preferring to connect than fight.

human connection and human curiosity much more important to me than fighting over politics and fighting over religion.

i prefer to find and see the good in people over the bad in people.

CURIOUS CHRISTY.

continue to be curious.

continue to love.

continue to listen.

everyone has a story.

we must listen to everyone.

i know longer want to fight.

i know longer want to compete.

i know longer want to compare.

i know longer want to prove.

happy belated chanukhha to all of my jewish friends.

keep breathing and keep playing.

keep searching and keep listening.

keep exploring and keep connected.

connected hearts and connected souls.

losing a loved one is soooooo painful.

life can be so painful. so harsh. so sad.

find as much joy as possible.

smile.

laugh.

love.

listen.

connect.

help.

hope.

hearts and souls.

lean into life.

lean into love.

lean into my curiosity of people.

listen to their stories.

listen to their lives.

listen for love and listen for human connection.

“christy, that’s a girl’s name.”

“well that’s my name and i love it.”

CURIOUS CHRISTY IS BACK.

christy has never left. he just got lost for a few decades but he is here NOW.

“I LOVE YOU CHRISTY.”

“I LOVE YOU DADDY.”

why am i here?

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

knee still in pain. nobody understands the pain of another. it is difficult to do. difficult to describe. everyone has a different pain threshold. my knee is almost immobile and is very swollen and unusable. i know that there is something wrong with it but our healthcare system is in shambles and i can’t seem to get an mri. i cannot afford physio. i’ve seen one walk-in clinic doctor and one emerg doctor plus had an x-ray and an ultrasound and i can GUARANTEE that the experts have misdiagnosed my knee injury. similar to so-called expert psychiatrists and psychotherapists misdiagnosing my mental health issues.

ADHD?

SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER?

PTSD?

BIPOLAR?

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER?

do doctors really care?

does anyone really care?

constant wars.

constant deaths.

constant suicides.

constant homelessness.

constant drug addicts.

we are becoming numb to our world.

we are becoming numb to our emotions.

we are becoming numb to our fellow human beings.

we chase money and chase possessions relentlessly but remain unhappy. remain stressed.

disconnected.

frustrated.

stressed.

poverty ridden.

debt ridden.

living in pain.

loving in pain.

accepting of the living and loving in pain.

everything can be bought.

a cost to everything.

it is 3:30am and i am about to start work in a small town with little culture and even less history.

WHY AM I HERE?

a real question.

why am i here?

is there nothing more out there in the world?

explore.

be curious.

explore and be curious the way that i explored and was curious as a little kid.

follow the light and follow the breath.

avoid the noise and avoid the rules.

my shirts are ripped but so were my dad’s.

dad.

mom.

dom.

a family torn apart at such a young age.

sad.

finding nemo.

notanotherphonyLeave a comment

long day on set yesterday.

great people.

great energy.

very little stress.

why do films take so long to shoot?

way too much waiting around.

a thirteen hour day but, probably, only an hour of actual filming. i love acting but hate waiting. there has to be a better way.

some people are very nice.

breathing.

positive mindset.

listening.

being present.

adhd.

DO MY BEST AND BE PRESENT.

a big victory for me.

i could take more risks but i delivered over and over and over.

very present.

keep practicing.

keep breathing.

keep opening.

GETTING PRESENT AND FINDING JOY.

FAITH.

COMMITMENT.

LETTING GO.

a lifelong practice.

i am doing great.

i am trying to be as consistent as possible.

FINDING JOY.

FINDING LOVE.

FINDING PURPOSE.

patience.

breathe.

listen.

open.

open.

open.

VULNERABILITY.

I LOVE YOU TAYLOR.